tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-43022165668238158622024-03-13T08:49:38.524-07:00Suze's CornerSometimes it's messy, other times it's bliss.
All of the time, it is my life.Suzanne Maughanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01699592381901194159noreply@blogger.comBlogger765125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4302216566823815862.post-43930945556440976372015-12-25T22:34:00.001-08:002015-12-25T22:34:28.197-08:002015 Flashbacks 2015.<br />
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There were so many good things that happened to our family this year. So, so many.<br />
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But a few traumatic events made this year different than anything I could've ever predicted.<br />
And when it came time for me to write a post about our year, I found myself not wanting to do so because the memories had a lot of background pain attached.<br />
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I've pushed through though because this blog is important to me. But I did make a decision, one that may or may not be big news to you but one that I've been considering much of the past two years.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">I am retiring Suze's Corner. </span><br />
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I started this blog a few weeks after my son was born back in 2009. In the past six years, so much has happened. There are memories from our marriage, raw moments after divorce, friendship memories that are painful to read about, etc. It's been a messy blog at times and I am so grateful for all of my readers.<br />
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And in case you're surprised (or if you think I'm an oversharer maybe you're even happy), I don't plan to stop writing. But I'm going to start a new blog in 2016---a blog that still shares messes and talks about the past and the future but a blog that doesn't have so much background attached.<br />
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Maybe you don't care or maybe you do but either way, I've decided this is what's best for my journaling {free therapy} in the future.<br />
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Anyway, I've decided to go through and talk about some of our memories of 2015 to wrap up the year.<br />
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In January, we drove up to Flagstaff to visit some of our friends. Andersen had the opportunity to play on a real drum set that belonged to our friend's band and he loved it so much. We went ice skating, played in the snow, and made new memories.<br />
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In March, we headed to Carlsbad for Spring Break. We spent time in the sun and went to Legoland.<br />
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This year has been incredible for Hayley. Incredible. One of her teachers messaged me at the end of 2014 and asked if she could choreograph a solo for Hayley to compete. It was so exciting!<br />
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She competed that solo for the first time in March of 2015 and got 2nd place and High Gold. I cried as I watched her perform on the stage.<br />
Cried. Real people tears.<br />
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At the end of March, I ventured into my parents' backyard during my lowest point of this entire year and found that my mom had made a little peace garden with benches surrounding it. I can remember the feelings, the fears, and the thousands of thoughts spinning in my head as I told God He needed to fix this mess.<br />
And slowly, He did.<br />
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As one job door closed, another one opened and that same week, I was offered a job teaching tumbling at Rhythm and Motion Dance Center, which was something I could've only dreamed up until that point.<br />
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And a week later, I decided it was time to do something I had been considering for a while and make myself a permanent reminder that I am a warrior. This tattoo will be on my foot forever and will remind me of the things I've been through and the strength I've shown during some trials I never would've thought I could handle.<br />
I'm forever grateful for the acceptance from my people regarding this permanent decision and also for the support my family has been given throughout the year. It's been incredibly hard but also incredibly beautiful to realize who my people are and how much they care about us.<br />
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On August 6th, Hayley lost her very first tooth and she did so by pulling it out all by herself!!! If you can't tell, she was so extremely happy!<br />
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In July, my parents took us all on a trip to Washington DC. It. Was. Magical. I enjoyed so many things about DC and loved that my kids and I were given such an incredible opportunity.<br />
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August 2015, my BABY boy started Kindergarten. It was a little tricky figuring out schools but we found the perfect fit and he is doing so well!<br />
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Also in August, I started school full time at Arizona State University!!! I knocked out my first semester with 2 A's and 2 B's and enjoyed most of my classes.<br />
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Hayley had an incredible opportunity to perform with her dance team at Disneyland and we got to enjoy two days of Disney fun!<br />
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Oh and since I didn't already mention it, I switched the kiddos over to the dance studio I teach at and they are both currently dancing with RMDC's company. Both kids are enjoying it and learning so much.<br />
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Another first for me---I attended my FIRST concert in 2015 and it was Taylor Swift! I am so thankful for my sister who invited me and was there to share my excitement---and when T Swift first came out on stage, I may have shed a few happy tears. (I really did...)<br />
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Time Out for Women 2015 was another one for the books! That time with my mom and sisters is always so incredible and brings out the crazy in all of us.<br />
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Another highlight {literally} of 2015 was changing my hair from this...<br />
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...to this. Blonde, blonde, super blonde. I'm so thankful for incredible friends who have amazing talents.<br />
And speaking of amazing friends with talents, Leyla Moss took our family pictures again this year and as she does every time, she outdid herself!<br />
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We put the pictures together in less than 24 hours and the colors, location, everything was perfect! </div>
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And it probably doesn't hurt that my kids are so freaking adorable. </div>
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Another heartbreaking moment of 2015 was watching Leyla lose her husband, Andy, to cancer. This moment was significant for me because Andy was diagnosed only a few months after my divorce had started. Leyla and I were both going through scary times and weren't able to physically be there for each other but being the amazing friend that she is, she still found ways to show me she loved me.<br />
And two years later, as I said my goodbyes to her incredible husband on this Sunday afternoon, I felt like my heart was ripping in two for my friend, not knowing how to help or what to say.<br />
And since that day and the harder days that happened weeks later, I have tried to be there for Leyla and I have prayed harder than ever before that she would feel God's love.<br />
Cancer sucks, you guys. It really, really sucks. But throughout this experience, I have been amazing by Leyla's strength.<br />
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And in October, Hayley performed her newest solo with her new dance team and as she danced on that stage, I felt the tears stinging the corners of my eyes again. And if you're wondering, it isn't because I'm proud of her for being a dance. It is because I'm proud of her for doing something that is scary for her. I'm proud of her for fighting her fears to be able to do something she truly loves.<br />
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Now 2015 is almost over and two weeks ago, I had a professional put a hole in my nose and stick a stud in there for fun.<br />
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This year, tied in with all of the painful things I've experienced, I've experienced some of the happiest times ever---ever, but especially since my divorce.<br />
I've changed---a lot---and the things I believe have changed---some significantly and some small changes.<br />
It's scary sometimes but most of the time, I look at who I am now and who I was then and the corners of my mouth curl up toward the sky.<br />
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Things weren't meant to be easy but they are going well. They are beautiful and the gratitude I feel often pours out in a blubbering mess across Instagram/Facebook. I'm pretty sure most people are sick of my rants but they keep me going and remind me why I'm fighting to be who I want to be---and not who I think I'm supposed to be.<br />
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2015 was hard and crazy and incredibly unpredictable but 2015 taught me more than I ever could've imagined.<br />
And that's something I'm getting sick of admitting---that trials teach me and make me stronger---because I WANT LIFE TO CALM THE FRICK DOWN! But if it isn't going to, at least I'm learning so much in the process.<br />
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Merry Christmas, friends. I am so grateful for each of you.Suzanne Maughanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01699592381901194159noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4302216566823815862.post-40746943487070059372015-11-08T22:12:00.000-08:002015-11-08T22:12:16.281-08:00Being Kind in an Unkind World<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It's been a week full of beautiful weather and late nights pondering my purpose on this earth. </div>
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Nights where I lay in bed staring at the dark walls around me and smile at the amount of gratitude I have for this life, my life. </div>
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People are worried about me---which is probably always going to be true because when you love someone, you want the best for them and so you worry sometimes. </div>
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Sometimes I wonder if maybe it's hard to believe, given the circumstances and the trials, that I am truly happy right now. I know that many of you have seen me at my worst but I believe, in a way, that all of those dark moments were helping me to heal. </div>
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Going through a divorce hardened me for a while. I was much less emotional and I had a hard time crying. It was weird because it was a foreign struggle for me. Really? Struggling to cry? It just seemed kind of weird and even a little bit stupid. </div>
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But lately, I've been able to allow myself a little more vulnerability with my emotions and it just feels healthy and freeing. </div>
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I feel a lot more like me. </div>
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And feeling a lot more like me means that my sensitivity for others is overflowing. </div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">Overflowing!</span></div>
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I know it's a good thing---<i>I like that I am sensitive</i>---but sometimes it is so emotionally exhausting that I vow to never sign on to Facebook again because the posts are too painful and often confusing to read. </div>
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Obviously, this vow is broken each time, usually within minutes, because part of my unwinding at the end of my day includes a little <i>{or a lot}</i> of Facebook reading. </div>
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I remember when Ferguson was all over the news and I didn't quite understand what was happening. I had friends who were standing up for the police and other friends who were standing up for the community members of Ferguson. Each post seemed to contradict the next but each post seemed to have something in common---a pleading for others to UNDERSTAND the pain on their side. </div>
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As I was reading, I wanted to connect all of these opinionated articles and posts and show everyone that they were fighting for the same thing---for love, unity, equality, compassion. </div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">They wanted their loved ones and people of their same gender/race/religion to be accepted <b>AS IS</b>. </span></div>
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After Ferguson (and honestly, before Ferguson), it didn't end. It seems that weekly, sometimes daily, there is a story I see posted on Facebook about conflicts that have risen and been pinned to a person's gender/race/religion/sexual orientation. </div>
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And I want to fight with you---with all of you---to protect the people you love so dearly. I want to hear your side and listen intently as you tell your story of why you believe what you do. </div>
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I want to hear about your daughter who is biracial and your fears about her being accepted when it seems that racial profiling is so prevalent in the media. </div>
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I want to hear about how your husband is a police officer and you fear him being killed as he tries to protect our citizens. </div>
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I want to hear about your son who is homosexual and your fears about him being accepted and loved by his peers. </div>
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I want to hear about the abuse you have endured and how you fight for women's rights because your voice was stifled when you were younger. </div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">Because each one of your stories are real. Each one is fighting for love in it's own way. </span></div>
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But, you guys, I want so badly to live in a world where we are fighting together. </div>
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I want to live in a world where unity means we love <b>no matter what</b>---we love because we are all human beings and we are all worthy of acceptance and equality. </div>
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I want us all to take a step back---think about the things you are posting online. Think about the people on the other side and try to see it from their perspective. </div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">I know you're hurting---<b>but so are they.</b> </span></div>
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As I laid down in my bed last night and my head was spinning from the conflict surrounding some religious decisions that have confused me so much this week, I wanted so badly to connect people, to remind them to look at the situation through the eyes of the other side. </div>
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People have every right to be hurt.</div>
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And people have every right to stand up for their religious beliefs. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Both of these emotions and opinions and actions are valid and real. Each means something so sacred to the person who believes them. Each is intertwined with heaps of love for that person's people and for their beliefs. </div>
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I'm sure there are so many things that I do in my life that people wouldn't agree with or understand. But honestly, this has nothing to do with how I'm living my life---it just has to do with the fact that I am living a life. </div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">Because no matter what we do, there will be people who see things differently.</span> </div>
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And that is ok. </div>
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In many cases, it is beautiful. </div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">We can learn so much from people who see things differently than us</span>. </div>
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And for me, that is what this life is all about. </div>
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It is about honoring my own beliefs, as different as they might be from yours. </div>
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It is about loving you regardless and practicing that love and acceptance the same way Christ showed us when He was on this earth. </div>
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It is about learning from you and you learning from me. </div>
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It is about compassion and empathy for others and validating their pain even if we don't understand it---because even if we don't understand it, that doesn't make it any less real. </div>
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Life is so much more than taking sides and fighting against each other. There is so much more we can do with our opinions and beliefs. </div>
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There is so much we can teach when we start with love and compassion. </div>
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I'm ok with living a life that's different than yours. </div>
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I want you to be happy, to be proud of the life you are building. And if you are, I will stand behind you. And if you're not, I will be here to help you change in whatever way you'd like. </div>
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Your feelings are valid---just as mine are---and my hope is that someday we can all fight on the same side.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">To love each other more. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">To learn from each other more. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">To help each other more. </span></div>
<br />Suzanne Maughanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01699592381901194159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4302216566823815862.post-56376915260843200512015-10-21T13:11:00.000-07:002015-10-21T13:11:40.526-07:00Achingly, Beautifully Hard<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Sometimes even when life seems easy, it still feels hard.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Achingly, beautifully hard. </span><br />
<br />
And I used to think that during these times, I was supposed to fight the feelings and pretend that it didn't feel hard.<br />
<br />
I now know that that is not the case---I am allowed to feel like life is hard, like it is a never-ending case of bad news and failure.<br />
I am allowed to see the darkness and acknowledge that there are some pretty rotten things in our world.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">It is ok to recognize the bad and label it as such.</span><br />
<br />
But recognizing the bad doesn't mean we forget about the good. It doesn't mean that hope is nonexistent.<br />
<br />
So today feels bad. It feels like a day I am not strong enough to get through. It feels like a day where everyone is laughing at me behind my back and wondering why I'm making such a fool of myself.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">It feels hopeless. </span><br />
<br />
But somewhere inside of me, there is a glimmer of fragile hope, a reminder that this day isn't the <i>only</i> day of my life.<br />
<br />
Twenty-six months of being on my own---stressing about dating---realizing I can't change other people---changing a lot of things about myself.<br />
I couldn't have looked back to twenty-six months ago and seen what I am currently seeing. I couldn't have even guessed the questions and the faith changes and the solidifying peace mixed with sheer terror.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Peace and terror. </span><br />
<br />
Many people have told me these things can't go hand in hand. They've told me that if I'm questioning my faith and feeling anxious or doubtful, I am not following God. I understand why you would think that but if only in my case alone, I know that isn't the truth.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Truth and fear can co-exist. </span><br />
<br />
Because quite honestly, either way I go, there are fears. Either path I choose, there will be feelings of anxiety.<br />
<br />
I am finding myself and today, that sounds heavy and way too hard.<br />
It surely doesn't sound fun.<br />
It most assuredly isn't something I picked.<br />
But it is something I am doing for me.<br />
<br />
I got another year older last week and I have a good feeling about this year. I have a feeling that I am capable of enduring the dark days and basking in the glow of the sunny days.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">It isn't a bad life---just a bad day.</span><br />
And today, that is ok with me. I am grateful for days like today because they remind me that I am a warrior. I am a woman who loves deeply and aches deeply. I am a fighter who is capable of seeing the good even on the worst of days.<br />
<br />
I can do hard things---and I will.Suzanne Maughanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01699592381901194159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4302216566823815862.post-2092089992569077012015-10-05T21:32:00.000-07:002015-10-05T21:32:06.482-07:00Should I Stay? Sometimes I look at the views on my blog posts and I'm stunned that 100 of you (and often times more) read my words.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><i><b>My</b></i> words. </span><br />
<br />
I feel blessed that you'd even want to go on this journey with me, through the ups and downs of my chaotic life.<br />
Sometimes it feels weird, blogging openly about my life, but I'd be doing it even if you weren't reading. I'd be sitting at this same chair, typing these same words, even if no one read them.<br />
<br />
A part of me feels like they are for you but I know they're really for me, for my healing and sanity in the midst of all the crazy.<br />
<br />
I wanted to touch on a subject that I've written about many times---probably more times than most people are comfortable with.<br />
<br />
I've had a lot of people over the past two years tell me the bits and pieces of their story and then ask if I think they should stay or go.<br />
<br />
Each time this happens, the answer is the same:<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">I cannot answer that.</span><br />
<br />
Or maybe it is that I will not answer it.<br />
I guess I could very easily tell someone that their marriage sounds like a train wreck and that they should move out and file divorce paperwork.<br />
<br />
But that is not my advice to give. In fact, that is nobody's advice to give---except <i>maybe</i> a licensed professional. <b><i>Maybe</i>.</b><br />
<br />
Maybe I feel so strongly about this because I got opposing advice after my husband left me.<br />
<i>You should file. You should fight for him. You should_______<u>fill in the blank</u>_______. </i><br />
<br />
And although maybe it should've helped, all it did was confuse me more. Because I wanted to please everyone and take their advice but I couldn't make both opposing decisions.<br />
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The truth is that the decision was only mine to make. It wasn't anybody else's---except for my husband's.<i><span style="font-size: x-small;"> {duh}</span></i><br />
The people who were telling me to fight for him---they weren't there for the nights I cried myself to sleep, wondering what was wrong with me and why I felt the uneasiness that I did.<br />
The people who were telling me to file for divorce---they didn't witness the times my husband supported me and I saw glimpses of a happy future together.<br />
<br />
Nobody knew the full story. Nobody knew what I was feeling inside or what answers God had given me.<br />
<br />
Nobody felt the pain that I felt or the anxiety that stopped me in my tracks on countless occasions. Nobody saw how truly scared I was that my life was over.<br />
<br />
And really, nobody knew how deeply it hurt to feel so abandoned by the person who had promised me eternity. Nobody could see the turmoil that churned inside of me as I put my brave face on each day.<br />
<br />
They couldn't have. I never expected them to.<br />
<br />
But because they didn't have the knowledge that I had, nobody could make that scary decision for me.<br />
<br />
Because of so many personal experiences, I know that I cannot decide whether you should go or stay. I know that I cannot tell you that my story is similar enough to yours that you should mirror my decisions.<br />
<br />
No two stories are alike because no two people are alike.<br />
<br />
Your heart may want to stay and if it does, you'd have my blessing.<br />
Your heart may want to run away and if it does, you'd have my blessing.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>Both choices are brave. </b></span><br />
<br />
One does not make you weak while the other makes you strong.<br />
<br />
I've been told many times that I'm brave for being a single mom {not that I really had a choice} and I am. I am brave to be raising my kids the majority of the time and going to school and working.<br />
But I've seen women who stay, who fight for their marriage and learn how to trust when they didn't think they could ever trust again and to me, that is equally as brave.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Either one <strike>might</strike> <i>will most likely</i> cause you to break for a while. </span><br />
<br />
But as surely as I know that the sun will rise again tomorrow, I know that you won't break forever. I know that you are capable of carrying on with or without a spouse by your side.<br />
<br />
If you have children, your decision might be messier but I know that children can be ok. They can heal.<br />
It might take extra late nights or therapy or them spewing their hurt and anger at you daily---and it might even take all of those things. But they can be ok.<br />
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For us, it didn't fall into place in a day. In fact, sometimes it still seems out of whack.<br />
<br />
I watched as my children became different, less trusting of others and more angry at the world. I watched as the light in their eyes seemed to darken and tears poured out daily. I watched their confusion and pain.<br />
<br />
And I've watched it slowly repair. I've watched them show empathy toward others who are hurting. I've watched them love harder and become closer to each other.<br />
<br />
It's hard when you're faced with decisions that seem daunting and life-altering. I get it and I'm here for you.<br />
I cannot tell you what decision will be right for you in the end but I do know that you're capable of making that decision---and you're even allowed to change your mind.<br />
<br />
Life is a lot more fluid than I used to believe it was. Although it is filled with highs and lows, it is filled with so many second chances.<br />
<br />
I remember what it was like to feel like I was in a deep, dark pit where the sun did not exist. I remember how scary it was to separate from my husband and figure out how to live independently.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">If you're there, I'm here. </span><br />
<br />
<b>My biggest advice</b> would be to reach out and let others carry some of the burdens you can give up for a while.<br />
Keep yourself safe. Make your decision based on what will keep you physically and emotionally safe.<br />
Remember to care for yourself. So often, we get caught up in helping others or raising our children that we forget to take care of ourselves too.<br />
Create boundaries with the people in your life. Speak up about what you need and what you don't need. Tell them when they offend you and when they're being helpful. Teach them how to help you---<i>they won't always know what to do.</i><br />
<br />
Marriage is hard. Divorce is hard.<br />
Life is pretty dang hard.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">But you are stronger than you think. </span></b>Suzanne Maughanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01699592381901194159noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4302216566823815862.post-88005385438030930382015-09-17T22:59:00.002-07:002015-09-17T22:59:46.066-07:00When Reality Sucks<br />
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This quote hit me hard tonight as I was scrolling through some old posts and crying my swollen eyes out.<br />
Because crying is apparently my new thing.<br />
<i>Just kidding---kind of. </i><br />
<br />
My car wouldn't start tonight. Actually, it started acting funky this morning but I prayed that it was just a fluke.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">It wasn't. </span><br />
<br />
I cried the entire drive home <i>{in my mother's car that she so kindly offered to let me borrow}</i> because I was stressed beyond belief. I had an emotionally exhausting day---<b>and then this</b>.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Really?</span><br />
<br />
My kids asked why I was crying so much and I voiced my feelings briefly about money and wanting to be the best mom for them and feeling like every time I try to get ahead, I get punched in the face. They were both so empathetic toward me and reminded me that it would be ok.<br />
<br />
Because cars are just cars. It will get fixed and all will be well again. The car breaking down doesn't determine my happiness or my goodness or my worthiness. It is just a car.<br />
<br />
But my goodness, if I could just CATCH A BREAK, that'd be super great. Most of the time, I feel like I'm drowning, like I'm stretched so thin that it wouldn't even be possible to fit in one more second of "life". I know that isn't true. Single mom life might be hard but there are so many reasons that it isn't hard. There are so many positives to the life I'm living now.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">There has been so much growth. </span><br />
<br />
But with that growth comes questioning and doubt---it always seems to do that. I question if I'm really a good mother or if I'm just depicting myself that way on the internet. I question whether this is the real me or if the girl who heads straight to the couch after work and sits there for a while doing practically nothing is the real me---<i>which would make me lazy and selfish.</i> Is that really me? Or is there a greater amount of goodness that resides within my bones that once in a while needs a break after a long day of providing/school/homework/bills/parenting?<br />
<br />
I think tonight I'll try to see myself in that second girl and not count the minutes I spend on the couch each afternoon while I tell my children to do their homework.<br />
<br />
I always envisioned myself to be this super involved mother who sits at the kitchen table with a homemade snack for the kids and reads through every homework assignment with them. I envisioned the amazing talks we would have and the laughter that would accompany the conversation..<br />
<br />
And reality is far different than the vision in my head of the mother I am "supposed" to be. Reality is telling the kids to get themselves breakfast in the morning or dinner at night when I am feeling too overwhelmed and tired. Reality is mindlessly scrolling through Facebook and answering random homework questions as they come. Reality is fast food and dirty clothes on the floor and not taking the time to shower for a few days because I'd much rather just sit---just sit and breathe and thank God we are all still alive.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Sometimes reality sucks.</span><br />
<br />
But most of the time, the reason I think it sucks isn't because I am truly unhappy but because I have this vision in my head of what I'm supposed to be doing every second of every day. I have created this vision in my head of what the perfect mother would be doing.<br />
<br />
And I have to remind myself that I am not the perfect mother nor will I ever be her. Part of that has to do with my current relationship status but let's get real here---I wasn't an amazing homemaker before my divorce. I struggled with cooking and cleaning and making sure everything was always in order.<br />
<br />
But the kids? I didn't used to struggle with that. I didn't used to need so many breaks or accept the fact that independence would be coming much sooner for them than it would for most children their same ages.<br />
<br />
I had help almost every day. I could rely on another adult to come home from work and be present in our home. I could go to the damn grocery store by myself!<br />
Obviously these things are small and seem insignificant but they make a difference.<br />
<br />
Sometimes I wish this wasn't my life but every time that happens, all I have to think about is the woman I am now versus the woman I used to be and then I remember that I wouldn't trade the person that I am for anything---<b>not even for a husband</b>.<br />
And maybe that's weird. Maybe that seems confusing because had I not gone through all of this, I wouldn't have known any different. But the fact is that I do know different. I have learned things that have enabled me to teach my children things I never would've thought to tell a 5 and 7 year old. I look around at the people in my life who are all struggling uniquely and I can recognize that every single one of them is going through something that is hard for them.<br />
<br />
We don't get to decide what is a hard trial and what isn't.<br />
<br />
I might feel like a failure a lot of the time but during the small moments where my children are curled up in my arms or I witness them showing kindness toward others, I remember that I am getting some things right.<br />
<br />
The next step is remembering those small victories during these exhausting and hard times.<br />
<br />
I'll get there eventually...Suzanne Maughanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01699592381901194159noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4302216566823815862.post-52311393529208746552015-09-06T14:45:00.000-07:002015-09-06T14:45:15.316-07:00I am HisI have heard it said many times that Mormons are not Christians.<br />
<br />
In fact, I grew up defending my faith and telling my non-LDS friends why I was a Christian. It was my least favorite thing---being told I wasn't something that in fact, I was.<br />
<br />
I'm going to be real with you today. My goodness, this realness is a bit scary because I've kept this to some close family and friends but I feel like it's a good time to open up now.<br />
<br />
Hi.<br />
<br />
My name is Suzanne and I am a Christian. Beyond that, I have yet to figure out what I am or who I am. Actually that's not completely true. I know who I am. I know I am a child of God. I know I am a lovable, laughable, loud, sensitive, compassionate person.<br />
<br />
But I am currently attending more than one church---and sometimes, I venture to other churches too.<br />
<br />
And today, I tried out a new church and in the middle of the service, they began to talk about Mormons and how they aren't real Christians.<br />
<br />
I breathed. I breathed some more. I sighed heavily and I knew it wasn't right.<br />
<br />
It wasn't right.<br />
<br />
Because whether I am a Mormon or not, Mormons are Christians.<br />
They are.<br />
<br />
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<br />
As a young girl, this argument always confused me because I was taught about Christ every week at church. My daily prayers have Jesus' name in them. I would hear about Jesus Christ and I knew He was real and that He died for me.<br />
<br />
I've always been a Christian. I'm not a Christian now that I am attending a contemporary Christian church. I was already a Christian.<br />
<br />
And what I know---one of the only things I am completely sure of---is that I want to be like Jesus Christ. I want to be compassionate and loving and patient toward the people who step in and out of my life. I want to see them as children of God. I want to love without judging them.<br />
<br />
I often find myself saying "love wins". I understand that this saying became popular when the Supreme Court ruled in favor if same-sex marriage but I don't see it as a same-sex marriage quote. I see a completely bigger picture where love triumphs above all evil and harm and heartache.<br />
<br />
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<br />
There will always be people for us to love.<br />
<br />
I can tell you how easy it is to focus inward and feel sorry for the love you've lost and the pain you're feeling. I have struggled deeply with losing people who I trusted my heart with. It is messy and hard.<br />
But I want to pinpoint something much bigger and more powerful---loving others.<br />
<br />
Looking outward.<br />
<br />
Finding those who may not feel loved and loving them.<br />
<br />
Seeing the people who look troubled and smiling at them.<br />
<br />
One of my favorite stories in the Bible is the story of the woman who had committed adultery. I have read through this story many times and imagined how I would've felt if a group of people had found out some of my worst sins and taken me in front of my Savior to judge and ridicule me.<br />
I read that story and I get that woman. I understand her. I feel her pain and agony as she fears for what Christ will say or do.<br />
But my favorite part is when He walks up to her and asks her to stop, to repent of her sins. He seems gentle and loving in that moment.<br />
Did He condone her behavior? Nope.<br />
Did He love her? Absolutely.<br />
<br />
And then He turns to the people ready to scorn her and He says, "<span style="background-color: #fdfeff; color: #001320; line-height: 20px; text-align: justify;"><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone.</span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">" </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fdfeff; color: #001320; line-height: 20px; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: #fdfeff; color: #001320; line-height: 20px; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Right then and there, the chills start and I feel myself nodding and agreeing. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fdfeff; color: #001320; line-height: 20px; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: #fdfeff; color: #001320; line-height: 20px; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Because yes! Do we all not struggle and sin daily? </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fdfeff; color: #001320; line-height: 20px; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: #fdfeff; color: #001320; line-height: 20px; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">It's beautiful. So many things that I stand for can be found right in that Bible story. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fdfeff; color: #001320; line-height: 20px; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: #fdfeff; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #001320; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">I am a Christian because I believe in Jesus Christ. I know that He was crucified on the cross for me and for you. I know that He was </span></span><span style="color: #001320;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">resurrected three days later. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fdfeff; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #001320; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 20px;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="background-color: #fdfeff; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #001320; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">I know that He lives and that He loves me. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fdfeff; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #001320; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 20px;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="background-color: #fdfeff; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #001320; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">When I fall short, He picks up my slack. He is my cheerleader and every day, He hopes that I will find happiness and love in my life. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fdfeff; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #001320; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 20px;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="background-color: #fdfeff; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #001320; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">And I do! There is so much beauty in my life. So. Much. Beauty. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fdfeff; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #001320; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 20px;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="background-color: #fdfeff; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #001320; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">This struggle has not been easy and I have spent many nights crying on my knees, pleading with God to just give me an easy answer so that I wouldn't be so scared. I didn't want this. I fought it silently for a long time. I struggled alone. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fdfeff; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #001320; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 20px;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="background-color: #fdfeff; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #001320; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">But then I reached out. I started to become stronger and realize that I am going to be ok. God knows me and He will give me answers when He knows I am ready. He will guide me where I need to be. And if I go the wrong way or I make mistakes along the way, I know He will be there. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fdfeff; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #001320; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 20px;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="background-color: #fdfeff; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #001320; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">Because really, what I want is a relationship with Him. What I really want is to feel close enough to my God that I can trust Him and not worry about what everyone else will think of me. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fdfeff; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #001320; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 20px;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="background-color: #fdfeff; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #001320; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">I don't have to have all of the answers right now. In fact, I doubt they will come soon or easily. But I am a daughter of God and He is not ignoring me. I feel so many amazing things happening in my life and among the fear and the worries, I also feel so much love and freedom to be who God wants me to be. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fdfeff; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #001320; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 20px;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="background-color: #fdfeff; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #001320; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">I am His and that will always come first. </span></span></span>Suzanne Maughanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01699592381901194159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4302216566823815862.post-82510255096221592542015-08-28T22:24:00.001-07:002015-08-28T22:24:49.832-07:00I Stand With CherishYou never think it'll be you---until it is.<br />
<br />
You never think the police are going to show up on your doorstep or that you'll make a mistake that causes others to hate and ridicule you---until those very things happen.<br />
<br />
Cherish and I were never super close but we hung out in the same groups. I've known her since junior high. I couldn't tell you a single bad thing about her.<br />
And today, as I was scrolling through Facebook to procrastinate getting ready for work, her face popped up in a news article that read "<a href="http://www.kpho.com/story/29897926/mom-who-forgot-her-baby-in-shopping-cart-tells-her-story" target="_blank">Mom who forgot her baby in shopping cart tells her story</a>".<br />
And just like that, my heart sunk.<br />
<br />
In that moment, I had one hope---that her baby was ok. I didn't judge her or think that her mistake should cause her to lose her parental rights. I didn't even consider the ridicule she must be facing until I started listening to her interview.<br />
<br />
There were flashbacks and fears that crept in as I listened because although I haven't been in her shoes, I've been in similarly imperfect ones. I've witnessed what mistakes can do. And I've also witnessed the beauty surrounding those ugly mistakes.<br />
I've cried tears of worry, embarrassment, and sorrow. I've wondered if anyone would ever understand or be able to love me the same. I wondered if my choices would dictate how others look at me.<br />
<br />
It's a scary, and usually lonely, place to be. But as I've gone about my day today, I've been filled with hope. I've seen people rally around the Peterson's and tell their own stories of their own imperfections.<br />
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When you go through something so IN-YOUR-FACE scary, you find out who your real friends are. You are able to see who is going to be there through the messes.<br />
It's hard.<br />
And it's beautiful.<br />
<br />
The truth is that this could've been any of us. Didn't I JUST say that in a blog post a month ago? Maybe these stories hit me so hard because I feel like I'm right there but each and every time I read these, my heart aches for the mothers and fathers who love their children so dearly and are raising their children in a safe environment---and yet they now have to fear their children being taken away.<br />
<br />
I've been there. Exactly there. And it isn't fair for Cherish. It isn't fair to the others whom this has happened to.<br />
And the most unfair part is how social media users have treated her.<br />
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My favorite part of the raw video interview was when Cherish's husband said that he was surprised to realize how many perfect people there are in the world.<br />
<br />
Because clearly, those people judging this family or my family or your family have never made mistakes before. Clearly.<br />
<br />
Clearly, those people who chose to steer into a panic room at the thought of no charges being filed against Cherish have never done ANYTHING that other people could label "imperfect".<br />
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And if you have? If you can read this blog post or listen to Cherish's interview and still tell me no incident from your own life came to mind that could ever be considered imperfect, I'd advise you to hold off casting that first stone---because it still could've been you.<br />
<br />
It could've been any of us.<br />
<br />
Tomorrow, you might find yourself in an abnormal routine and you might make a mistake. You might forget your wallet---or your child. And although one is obviously WAY more important than the other, it is just as possible to forget one as it is the other.<br />
<br />
Really, people, let's consider how much we all LOVE our smart phones <i>(except for me because I still have a dumb phone)</i>. Let's consider the amount of time we spend on our phones.<br />
<br />
Have you ever left your phone at home or somewhere else on accident?<br />
<br />
Chances are, you have. And chances are, you feel a sense of security when you have your phone and it is pretty important to you.<br />
<br />
Maybe not as important as your child <i>(Gosh, I hope not)</i> but still...important. And you've left it somewhere before.<br />
<br />
When we make these incomprehensible mistakes that cause the police to get involved or CPS to tour our homes, it can be the scariest thing in the entire world. If you haven't experienced this, you can surely take my word for it.<br />
And the worst part isn't the haters. The worst part isn't the other imperfect human beings claiming they would <i>never</i> be in that same situation.<br />
The worst part is how much we beat ourselves up. The worst part comes from within.<br />
<br />
Forgiving ourselves for these types of mistakes is the hardest part. It is the hardest, most painful part. It doesn't come easily. It takes time and energy and a lot of support. It takes trust and oh my goodness, it takes God.<br />
<br />
It takes God.<br />
<br />
So stand with me or walk away but I stand with Cherish. There isn't a thing being said about her that wouldn't be said about hundred of other parents who've made mistakes that WEREN'T on the news---and that includes me.<br />
<br />
So stand with us---or be quiet. Keep your judgmental thoughts inside your brain and process them on your own.<br />
<br />
Because if/when you are in a similar situation as this one and the police come knocking on your door, you might just be praying that if others aren't going to stand by you, that at least they will stay quiet.<br />
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<br />Suzanne Maughanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01699592381901194159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4302216566823815862.post-1411099322514091372015-08-23T20:37:00.002-07:002015-08-23T20:37:56.165-07:00Two Years Later<span style="font-size: x-large;">August 23rd, <b>2013</b>:</span><br />
I lived a seemingly normal life as a stay-at-home mother. I had been married for 6.5 years. I was happy.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">I had no idea.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">No idea.</span><br />
<br />
And although I tell myself I wish I would have had an idea of what was coming, the truth is that I don't.<br />
Because if God had come and told me what I would go through over the next two years, I would've given up. I seriously would've thrown in the towel and said, "<i>I can't handle those hard things. I'm already drowning from this infertility mess and trying to figure out my marriage.</i>"<br />
<br />
I would've told Him I can't do this hard thing He knew I was going to do.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">But because I didn't know, </span><span style="font-size: x-large;">I didn't give up</span>.<br />
<br />
On August 24th, 2013, I woke up on a seemingly cheery Saturday and spent the morning with my children. I awaited my husband's arrival from work at lunch time. And when he didn't come home, I knew.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I knew.</span><br />
<br />
And there were no signs other than the Spirit telling me.<br />
I think that's why, although I've wanted to many times over the past two years, I haven't given up on God. I can never discount His presence because He is real. I don't doubt that He is real.<br />
<br />
I've broken down about this anniversary twice this weekend, each time with different people. My therapist would say that's a healthy thing---crying in front of people and letting my feelings out---and I think I agree with her. I feel like the vulnerability of sharing this anniversary with others is healing for me. It's not something I do because I am living in the past but because this is a part of me. It always will be. It shapes an essential part of who I am and why I treat others the way that I do.<br />
<br />
As I was speaking with my friend, she asked me where I am in the healing process and I realized I could honestly answer that divorce does not run my life. <b>I am healing. </b>I fight my eating disorder. I feel empathy for myself. I feel empathy for my ex-husband.<br />
<br />
It isn't perfection. I am not great at being an ex-wife. It's hard work, friends. It really is. But it works out each and every time.<br />
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<br />
I lost myself as I was going through divorce. I lost faith in myself, love for myself, and I was not nice to myself.<br />
As I was gaining compassion for others, I didn't leave any for myself.<br />
<br />
I was breathing but I wasn't living. And there are still days that I don't fully live. There are still hard days where I look at the clock and two hours has gone by and I'm on the couch eating chips and watching television.<br />
<br />
I thought I had found my eternity but I hadn't. And although there is nothing I can do about that decision <i>that I did not make</i>, there are still times where it really hurts, where my healing seems back at the beginning.<br />
<br />
But I guess the way that I can tell I am healing is that I stand up for myself more now. I fight against the lies in my own head that tell me I'm not good enough. I fight for my children and my friendships and my family. I know the kind of person I want to be and I try my damndest to be her.<br />
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I am starting to remember who I was when I was a little girl, long before the world told me who I should be. I am starting to remember how much compassion and love God gave me before I even knew what compassion meant.<br />
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And I love her. I love that little girl.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">I am her.</span><br />
<br />
This is hard stuff. It has been an extremely emotional weekend because I'm crazy and my mind says, <i>"Two years ago, at this particular time, you were spending time with your husband on a Friday night." "Two years ago, tomorrow, he told you he didn't love you." "Two years ago, you had no idea what was coming and you shattered."</i><br />
<br />
Two years ago, I was left to tell my children why their dad wasn't home yet---and they were angry at me. They were so angry because they didn't understand.<br />
<br />
Two years ago, they changed. They had to grow up faster than they should have and it wasn't fair.<br />
It wasn't fair that I had to tell them alone or that they had to split their parenting time. None of it was fair.<br />
<br />
But it happened and I am so proud to be the mama of those strong warriors who lifted me up when my world crashed. I am so proud to have seen the ugliest times and the most beautiful times with them these past two years. They have worked hard to heal and they are amazing children.<br />
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We stick together. These kids are my buddies and they always will be. My children are the most important thing in the world to me.<br />
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<br />
Two years sounds like a long time. Sometimes it feels like it's been longer and sometimes it hits me like it was yesterday.<br />
<br />
I am proud of where we are as a family. <span style="font-size: large;">I am proud of who I am.</span><br />
<br />
Although I still struggle and life feels so scary most of the time, <b>I am not giving up.</b> I am not going to let the ugliness of the past two years become me---because there has been beauty too. So. Much. Beauty. So many nights where my kids are snuggled up in my bed and I wonder how God could've given me such amazing children. So many days where my children speak with love and understanding for the heartache of their friends or family members. So many times where Andersen opens my car door or rubs my back "<i>because that is what gentlemens do for their ladies</i>".<br />
<br />
They are wise beyond their years and I often stare at them and wonder how they got that way---and then I realize that I am that way.<br />
I am compassionate and loving. I am empathetic. I would find a way to help a struggling friend on the busiest days of my life.<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">I would.</span><br />
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And it is in these times of realization that I am more fully aware of the love my God has for me because I am His daughter. I am His and He won't ever leave me.<br />
<br />
I am lovely not because of the clothes I wear or the make up on my face but for the way that I act and the person that I am on the inside.<br />
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These aren't easy things to say. They aren't things I always believe. These are certainly things my eating disorder tells me are lies.<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">But they are truths.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">I am worthy and good and lovely.</span><br />
<br />
And on this day where I painfully remember the trauma that started two years ago, I am reminded that I am a warrior and I have done so many hard things. Among the negativity, love has still won.<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Love will always win.</span><br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/Bes6EzIzOSw" width="560"></iframe>Suzanne Maughanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01699592381901194159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4302216566823815862.post-21045454647725802542015-08-15T17:40:00.002-07:002015-08-15T17:40:45.315-07:00Washington DC: Part 3I know it's been over a month now but I'm finally on to post # 3 from our trip! Go me! ;)<br />
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I think one of the main highlights of our trip for the kids was any time they were able to stand up on the Metro.<br />
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Ninja would beg every time we would get on and most of the time, I wouldn't let him but there were a few times where I let him stand.<br />
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We started this particular day by going to the Air and Space Museum.<br />
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The kids had fun but honestly, it was a little crowded and I hate crowded places so I didn't enjoy it as much as I should have.<br />
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Ninja loved seeing all of the space shuttles and airplanes.<br />
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And of course, Amelia Earhart's airplane. I'm not sure if it's sad or just funny that a lot of things in DC that were relevant for us can be attributed to the movie Night at the Museum.<br />
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Princess and Lo---seriously, haven't I already mentioned how much this boy loved his older cousin?! He lit up every time she walked in a room.<br />
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Future astronauts? I guess we shall see...<br />
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Next was the Native American Museum.<br />
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I really thought this museum would bore the heck outta my kids. In fact, I was kind of sure I would be bored. But I really loved it and Ninja didn't want to leave! He found a tv that was playing different narrations of Indian folk tales and didn't move from that area until he had watched every single one of them, which took a while. He was enthralled and kept telling me how cool it was that stars can turn into people or people can turn into wolves, etc. He loved those stories so much.<br />
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Princess was with my mom for most of the museums and I hardly got any pictures of her or got a chance to see what things she enjoyed the most. But I'm gonna just assume she loved it too.<br />
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As we were walking back to the Metro, we came across the above---seriously? Keepin' it real classy, DC.<br />
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The next day was the 4th of July!!! We were so excited to wake up and get started.<br />
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We rode the Metro and then had to wait for a bus to take us to Mount Vernon. The kids were such good sports about all of the waiting and picture taking.<br />
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I loved the outfits I had bought my kids for this year. Ninja's shirt says, "Are these people really my relatives?" I found that appropriate for our vacation with our huge family.<br />
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Princess and Nelly, posing for my camera. These girls are hilarious together.<br />
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It was sprinkling when we got on the bus and by the time we got to Mount Vernon, it was pouring rain. We were all drenched and I felt bad that my kids were in flip flops. Oops!<br />
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By the time we finished the tour of George Washington's house, the rain had stopped and we were able to stay dry.<br />
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The back of George Washington's house faces the Potomac River and has such a gorgeous view.<br />
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Right behind us is the back porch of the Washington house.<br />
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And this is the front of the house. It was fun to take a tour through it and see all of the different rooms and get a sense of how George Washington and his family lived.<br />
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They had these guards out reenacting some really cool things for us to watch throughout the day.<br />
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We got to walk around the acres and see animals. This is Princess showing off the sheep.<br />
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And the kids loved being so close to the cattle.<br />
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Then we headed back to the Washington's back porch to hear George Washington and his wife speak about Independence Day. I had chills and loved listening to his speech.<br />
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Princess had been asked 6 or 7 times by strangers if they could take her picture because of her outfit. Can you tell she was done with pictures by the end of the day?<br />
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It was a memorable 4th of July and the best part was spending it with every member of my family.Suzanne Maughanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01699592381901194159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4302216566823815862.post-44882613626037519312015-08-12T20:56:00.001-07:002015-08-12T20:56:53.324-07:00Kindergarten: Round Two If there's one thing I've learned it's that divorce has made me a more protective mother.<br />
<br />
Because I was there in the middle of the night, stroking the hair of a crying child who missed their dad. I was there when the confidence level shifted and there was worrying about stability and abandonment.<br />
<br />
I watched it all.<br />
<br />
And I have to tell you, over these past few years, my children have been some of the most incredible warriors I've ever seen. They've taught me so much about bravery.<br />
I mean, I'm the adult and I haven't handled the past few years as eloquently as I could have but these kids? They've been amazing, all things considered.<br />
<br />
Tonight I want to focus on my little man. I've had thoughts of this post in my head for about a month now but I wasn't sure if I could explain it or get through it without crying or breaking down---because my little man is so amazing. So so amazing.<br />
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From the time he was young, I knew he was sent here for a reason. I know, I know, we could each say that about each individual child but there was something different when Ninja was born.<br />
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I was protective of this boy. I remembering breaking down when he was a week old because we had visitors over and I hadn't held my boy in over 20 minutes. As I cried and the visitor kindly handed him back, I kept thinking, "<i>What the heck is wrong with me? How could I miss a baby that was sitting right next to me in someone else's arms?</i>"<br />
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I seriously thought I was crazy.<br />
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It's a little funny to me that I am so attached to this boy. He gives me a run for my money. He was our poop painter, our permanent marker wall artist, and he has a hard time not getting too aggressive with other kids when he's playing.<br />
His listening skills aren't great---<i>they're almost non-existent</i>---but we've always been close.<br />
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When his dad left, I was so scared for this kid. I was afraid of what divorce would do to his little heart. He was only 3 when we separated.<br />
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And over the past two years, I've watched some significant changes in him and some of them have been messy.<br />
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I was scared about Kindergarten. I was seriously so so so so scared. I don't want my son to be labeled a 'problem' because he can't sit still or because sometimes he still has daytime accidents. I was worried about him because he isn't a big fan of academic work and he would much rather watch tv or play video games---both of which I try to limit in our home.<br />
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Leading up to the first day of Kindergarten, I was worried about whether his teacher would care about him and be able to help him in the best possible way---and I wasn't sure.<br />
I wasn't sure because I don't believe anyone can be the kind of mother that I am for Ninja.<br />
<br />
<i><span style="color: #20124d;">Sidenote: The irony?</span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: #20124d;"><br /></span></i>
<i><span style="color: #20124d;">Many times over the past year, I have argued with my therapist that I'm not an outstanding mother and that many women could do a better job than me. Each and every time, she would shake her head and disagree---<b>firmly</b>. And leading up to the start of Kindergarten, somehow I can see it now.</span></i><br />
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I can see how I am the best mother for this boy. It isn't a perfect job but it is what Ninja needs from me right now.<br />
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I was still worried on the first day of school. He looked so adorable and our morning was so positive so I made sure to keep my worries to myself so they wouldn't show. As I dropped him off, I felt ok about leaving him with his teacher and I smiled as I got in my car and started my drive to work.<br />
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But when I got on the freeway, I was a mess. Tears started to stream down my face and I realized these tears weren't about my fears for Kindergarten but somehow, I hadn't even thought about the fact that it is HARD to accept that my BABY is in school full day.<br />
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Because in my perfect world, I would be a stay-at-home mom right now with two or three more children running around this house. In a perfect world, I didn't plan on Ninja being my baby and I certainly didn't plan on ALL of my children being in school full time this soon.<br />
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I called my mom and she talked to me the whole way to work. I'm grateful she answered her phone that morning because I needed her to tell me this is all going to be ok.<br />
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You'd think this was the end, that our "Starting Kindergarten" story is over but it isn't quite wrapped up yet.<br />
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I had picked Ninja's particular school for two reasons: the full day schedule and the curriculum. The bus came and picked him up right at our neighborhood school and it seemed perfect.<br />
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And it was perfect---until he got home from school at 4:30 on the first day. Or when he got home at 4:45 on the fourth day.<br />
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I started to panic a few days ago when I realized this schedule wasn't working. I didn't want him gone so late and he wasn't doing well in the evenings after sitting on a hot bus for an hour after school every day.<br />
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So yesterday, I made the decision to switch him over to our neighborhood school. I called them, set it all up, and went in to sign him up this morning.<br />
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He even went with me to take a peek at his new-new school.<br />
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I am hoping that tomorrow goes well and that Ninja has another great first day of Kindergarten.<br />
He is excited and I can tell he's a little nervous but I feel so much peace when I think about him being so much closer to me and to our home.<br />
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I'm still worried---I don't think that'll ever end---but at least I feel much more at ease.<br />
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Parenting is hard. Parenting school-aged children is hard. Parenting children of divorce seems extra hard. But we can do hard things.<br />
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In fact, <span style="font-size: large;">we <i><b>do</b></i> hard things.</span> Every single day.<br />
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I'm proud of this brave warrior that I get to call my son. He is so special and I feel so lucky to be able to raise him and watch him grow.Suzanne Maughanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01699592381901194159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4302216566823815862.post-33170806540375895082015-08-01T11:28:00.000-07:002015-08-01T11:38:45.247-07:00Our Very Best<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This morning, I was supposed to be doing homework---which seems to always be the story of my life.<br />
The kids were enjoying a "movie morning" with my little brother and I was here, sitting at this very computer, when an article caught my eye.<br />
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It was entitled, "<a href="http://www.salon.com/2014/06/03/the_day_i_left_my_son_in_the_car/" target="_blank">The day I left my son in the car</a>", and although I've read a hundred articles of children dying in hot cars, for some reason, I knew that this article wasn't going to be about that. I had this weird gut feeling that this would be a story that I'd find myself feeling rage and empathy and sadness for.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">And I was right. </span><br />
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As she bravely told her story of the day she made a split decision to allow her son to stay in the car while she ran in the store to buy something, I was hoping the outcome would be different than what I expected.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">It wasn't. </span><br />
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The quiet lady who recorded the whole thing and called the police as this mother drove away with her son. The lawyers and court dates and criminal charges. The labels of neglect and unfit parenting.<br />
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This could've been you or I. It could've been someone we look up to as a parent. It could've been anyone.<br />
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Maybe we wouldn't have allowed our child to stay in the car and play on the iPad for a few extra minutes but more than likely, there would be something that an outsider would believe to be "unsafe parenting" that we could be written up for.<br />
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This story brought back an immense amount of anxiety because I've witnessed this before. In fact, I've had personal experiences where my parenting flaws have been viewed as neglectful and even malicious.<br />
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And as I've experienced this firsthand, I've struggled with whether my belief in my own parenting style is just a false sense of security I've built. I've wondered if I'm just lazy and incompetent and overconfident in how I parent.<br />
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<i><span style="font-size: large;">Am I a good mother? </span></i><br />
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For a while, I struggled with the thought that there are people who don't believe I'm a good mother. But I've come to the conclusion that there are also people who think you're a bad parent---<i>there will always be those people. </i><br />
Whether they judge because they don't know the full story or they judge because they just don't have the same views, it's ok that they think you're a bad parent. It's ok that they think I'm a bad parent.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">It's not ok for our different beliefs to turn us against each other. </span><br />
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I believe a lot of us are "helicopter parents" because of the stories we've heard. We hover over our children because we don't want to be the next mother in the news who let her children walk to the store alone and got her children taken away because of her choice. We are afraid of what others will do to us if they see our parenting flaws.<br />
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Even as I type, I can't bring myself to give you examples of decisions I've made regarding my children that others may not deem safe or age appropriate---because what if I write them down and someone turns me in because they don't agree with my views?<br />
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It's a valid fear. It's valid because it has happened to the people we love. It is valid because we've seen parents get their children taken away for exact split decisions we have made with our own children.<br />
The only difference is that there wasn't an on-looker who deemed our choices neglectful and we didn't get written up.<br />
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But the mother in this article did. And it has happened many times before.<br />
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One decision can change you're entire life. We've all heard this statement but what happens when this statement becomes you're parenting nightmare? What happens when you're faced with the fear that your children might not be in their own beds tonight because a court system found you unworthy of raising your children?<br />
<br />
This thought gives me anxiety but it also makes me angry.<br />
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So many of us are trying to do our best to raise our children to be successful on their own someday.<br />
I know, for me, that is one of my main parenting goals. I have one child who is incredibly responsible but fearful of leaving my side. I have another child who isn't as responsible but would be totally fine leaving my side.<br />
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With each of these children, I want them to learn how to grow up and be responsible for themselves. I don't want them to fear life or be afraid that something bad will happen to them.<br />
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I'll admit, I've had visions of my children being snatched up by a stranger or getting lost in a crowd. I fear their safety even while they are at school. I am a paranoid mother.<br />
But I try so hard not to let my paranoia deter my children from learning and growing.<br />
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It scares me to think of them riding their bikes around our neighborhood without me right next to them. It scares me to think about them going to the movies on their own or staying home without myself or a babysitter. But someday, these things are going to happen.<br />
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Someday they are going to be able to make grown up decisions on their own.<br />
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And shouldn't I, as their mother, be able to make the decision of when they're ready for that responsibility?<br />
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We can try and protect them the best that we can but our children are still going to get hurt. They are still going to make mistakes.<br />
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And my goodness, we are going to make mistakes too. We are going to do everything we can to make the right parenting decision and one of these days, it will bite us in the butt because someone might not agree or our children might get hurt.<br />
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But we teach them the best that we can. We try our damndest to keep them safe when we can.<br />
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Our best might not be good enough in the eyes of others but it is all we can do.Suzanne Maughanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01699592381901194159noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4302216566823815862.post-56395201590644568822015-07-21T08:10:00.001-07:002015-07-21T08:10:22.721-07:00Washington DC: Part 2 Day 3:<br />
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I have to tell ya, the kids loved the Metro system. They loved sitting by each other, sometimes being able to stand up, and playing guessing games while we went from stop to stop. The adults, on the other hand, did not love the Metro. This may have been due to the fact that on Day 5, a guy fell onto the tracks right before a Metro came in to the station and we had to evacuate quickly (He got pulled to safety). Or maybe it had to do with the fact that on Day 6, a man had killed someone on the Metro (not the one we were riding...BUT STILL). Or maybe it had to do with the fact that rush hour is CRAZY and we were all on psycho-mode trying to make sure we didn't lose any of our children.<br />
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But the good thing is, we survived! No one lost a kid! So yay for that, right?<br />
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On day 3, we headed over to the International Spy Museum. They don't allow pictures inside the building because, you know, SPIES, but we all enjoyed it.<br />
Actually, that's not true. They did allow pictures but not strollers and I left my camera in the stroller. See? I'm already forgetting stuff!<br />
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We packed lunches and ate right outside the museum. Uncle Chris is a pretty awesome photobomber!<br />
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Ninja loved his PBnJ bagels I made for him almost every day. For a kid that is super picky, he seemed to like the packed lunches more than his sister.<br />
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Right down the street from the spy museum is the Ford Theater, where Abraham Lincoln was shot so we made a spur of the moment detour over there when we were finished.<br />
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The kids got to touch replicas of Lincoln's fists and then we walked upstairs to hear some facts about how he was killed.<br />
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Across from where we were sitting is the place he was shot and fell onto the stage. Although the entire theater was rebuilt, the picture of George Washington and the couch set up are the exact ones from the night he was killed. Everything else is just a replica of the theater.<br />
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Ninja had to use the bathroom and like a good mom, I told him I'd take him if he smiled for a picture with Lincoln's head. :)<br />
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This girl. SO MUCH PERSONALITY in her little body! I love my niece so much.<br />
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After the Ford Theater, we walked across the street to go through the house where Lincoln actually died. When he was shot, they transported him to a house across the street so he could finish his life away from the crowds of people surrounding the Ford Theater.<br />
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I took a picture of this building right before we headed into the urine-smelling elevator to the Metro (There wasn't a single elevator the whole trip that didn't smell like urine...). I don't actually remember what building this is but it was gorgeous!<br />
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K-Bear was one of my buddies during this Metro ride. Doesn't he looked excited to be with his crazy auntie?!<br />
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And my other buddy, who stayed in the stroller for almost every Metro ride even though he is 5 1/2. I couldn't handle the thought of losing him and he is a pretty curious kiddo so we decided to bring a stroller to help mom feel safer on this trip. :)<br />
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On day 4, we headed out with the Taylors to the zoo!<br />
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It was the perfect zoo day since it had been raining and the weather was pretty cool.<br />
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The first thing we saw was the black bear and the kids were so excited that they could see it pretty close to them!<br />
I think that was the most amazing thing about this zoo. When we go to our Phoenix zoo, we often have to search for the animals in their habitats but while in Washington DC, the animals were so easy to see in their habitats and we felt so close to them! You'll see more about that in a minute.<br />
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Ninja loved watching the otters play underwater.<br />
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Princess loves elephants. Unfortunately, one of the elephants was under the weather so we couldn't go in the building where you see them up close but we still got to see them as we walked across this bridge.<br />
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This is Princess' version of a flamingo. :)<br />
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My absolute favorite thing about this picture is Ninja's face. We don't ever see the Cheetah at our zoo walking or running. When we came up to this Cheetah, he was laying in the grass and all of a sudden, he jumped up onto that log. Ninja was turning around to squeal his excitement to me.<br />
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We felt so close to this guy! There was actually another cheetah in a habitat next to this one and they were running back and forth with each other.<br />
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The lions were awesome to see as well. They were laying down when we got there but after a minute, they started to walk around and we got to see them really well.<br />
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Princess was unsuccessful in pulling the prairie dog out of the hole. ;)<br />
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Stay tuned for Part 3! :)Suzanne Maughanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01699592381901194159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4302216566823815862.post-49254170351034698012015-07-19T23:38:00.000-07:002015-07-19T23:38:04.334-07:00Washington DC: Part 1 We've been home from DC for almost two weeks now and almost every day, I think about blogging the first portion of our vacation but each time I do, homework or motherhood comes first.<br />
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So I'm finally here to at least jot down the first day or two of our amazing vacation and in the future, I'll get more of it up here.<br />
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It all started last Christmas when my parents surprised us with a trip to Washington DC. They told us we would be going for the 4th of July and to plan ahead so our whole family could be together.<br />
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And it worked! Every single one of us crazy Guthries was able to make it to DC to spend a week together. I should also mention that my second oldest sister lives in Alexandria, VA, which is actually where our hotel was and she is one of the main reasons we got to enjoy this incredible vacation.<br />
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Our first flight took off at 7am, which meant we were at the airport at 5am. My kids were pretty tired but did amazing throughout the flights. I, on the other hand, am not a fan of the "take off" and gripped the arms of my seat each time.<br />
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We had a layover in Texas and the grandkids had fun playing games together and laying around the airport waiting for our next flight to DC.<br />
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We arrived in DC around dinnertime that Monday and were thrown right into the craziness of the city life as we maneuvered suitcases and strollers onto the Metro to get to our hotel.<br />
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Tuesday rolled around and it was time to start off our adventures. We chose to tag along with the Taylors and my parents to the Postal Museum and I'm so glad we did.<br />
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The kids were given a scavenger hunt to keep them busy and they were really into it.<br />
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Ninja asked for a picture with the dead dog---who was apparently a huge part of the postal system as it began and to remember him, they literally stuffed him after he died so they could keep his remains in the museum (Weird...cool...mostly weird).<br />
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The kids got to pretend to drive a semi-truck and play with all the gadgets.<br />
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And they learned about what mailboxes from all around the world look like.<br />
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Here is my boy with the post office "mascot". His name is ZIP.<br />
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Ninja loved all of the planes that were hung from the ceiling.<br />
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And this truck was familiar because it looks just like our postal trucks!<br />
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After the museum, we walked across the street and ate lunch before heading off to our Capitol tour.<br />
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We found some really cool sights on our walk to the Capitol building.<br />
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My parents had set up a tour with Jeff Flake's interns and it was fun to meet people who work for our senator and were both from our area.<br />
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Both kids wanted a picture of themselves with that golden eagle above.<br />
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And this is Princess standing in the very center of Washington DC, where the Capitol was built.<br />
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<span id="goog_1733429330"></span><span id="goog_1733429331"></span>One thing I loved about this trip was being with family and easily being able to hand my camera to a family member and asking for a picture of my children and I. That isn't something I can always do and it was nice to see myself in a few of my pictures.<br />
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I'll start a new post soon with some more pictures from our trip. It really was an amazing adventure and I am so grateful to my parents for allowing us such a cool opportunity.Suzanne Maughanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01699592381901194159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4302216566823815862.post-71263691901336324332015-07-11T14:48:00.000-07:002015-07-11T14:48:13.008-07:00Divorce Defines Me <i><span style="font-size: x-small;">We are back from Washington DC. Actually, we got back four days ago but I have been swamped with homework to try and catch up. </span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">I will blog about our trip in a few different posts but there has been a post I can't seem to get out of my mind so I decided to try and write it out while it's fresh. </span></i><br />
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Haven't we all heard those "uplifting" quotes that say, "<i>My trials don't define me</i>" or "<i>Don't let your past define your future</i>"? I know I have. And each time I hear a quote like that, I feel something stirring inside of me that says, "<i>This does define me! How could it not</i>?"<br />
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I don't know why or when it became negative to allow our past to define our future but maybe I'm looking at it differently.<br />
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When I think of something defining me, I think of it molding me into a better person. This includes my good experiences and the really horrible ones. I look at who I am now versus who I was two years ago and guess what? My divorce is part of what defines who I am. It is a part of me and because of those experiences, I am a much different---<b><i>a much stronger</i></b>---me.<br />
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At the beginning of the week, I was awoken at 1:30am to fire alarms blaring throughout our hotel. I jumped out of bed and quickly realized that this could be a legitimate emergency. <br />
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I was scared and alone in a hotel room with my two children and my first reaction was to grab them and run to my parents room down the hall.<br />
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This wasn't the first time I have had to experienced incredible fear when thinking about caring for my children alone.<br />
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In fact, I was pretty much thrown into that world weeks after my husband moved out when an intoxicated man was banging on my door in the middle of the night and yelling profanities.<br />
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But for a few moments, I was so panicked---and then I remembered, I can do this. I can get them out of here and snuggle my scared 7 year old while my 5 year old runs around and laughs and plays {<i>Two VERY different personalities</i>}.<br />
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It was one of those moments that I was reminded that divorce does define me. It has changed who I am as a mother and as a woman. I have more empathy and compassion for so many trials, most of which I could never begin to understand.<br />
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I don't think it's a negative thing. Maybe you do but I really don't. I don't think this is me not moving on from the past. In fact, I have moved on a lot more than I dreamed I'd be able to. I don't think that talking about the past means that I'm ignoring the present or future.<br />
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I think sometimes when we break, we have to reshape ourselves and it's ok to look at the person we once were and see how far we've come.<br />
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Divorce will always be a part of my life. It isn't something I can hide nor do I feel ashamed and want to hide it. Divorce has brought some of the highest highs and lowest lows into my life.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">And I'm ok with that defining who I am today.</span>Suzanne Maughanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01699592381901194159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4302216566823815862.post-91405333428383591332015-06-28T19:43:00.000-07:002015-06-28T19:43:28.875-07:00My Perfect Life Summer is an incredibly disgusting and beautiful time.<br />
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I hate the heat. I can hardly stand it most days. I always feel sweaty and dirty. I can't allow the kids outside as much. It's just annoying and gross.<br />
But then there's the element of fun. School is out. The kids are home with me and we spend a lot more time together. We take vacations and learn new things and fill our nights with sleepovers and late bedtimes.<br />
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The way I feel about summer is the way I feel about life.<br />
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It's hard and stupid and amazing, sometimes all at the same time.<br />
I can go from irrational fear to giggling in minutes. <i><span style="font-size: x-small;">{This does not make me crazy...or maybe it does.}</span></i><br />
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Sometimes the days are extremely, painfully long while other times, they seem to pass by too quickly.<br />
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I think that's why I've always loved Glennon from Momastery's description of life as my "messy beautiful".<br />
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Because it is both.<br />
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The sun can be shining and the birds can be singing but sometimes, everything around me feels so dark.<br />
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There are afternoons where a storm will sweep in and instead of allowing the clouds to hover over me and dim the light, I go out and dance in the rain.<br />
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It's been amazing to be able to mix the things I'm learning in school with my every day life.<br />
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Because I used to feel so ashamed when I would have meltdowns. I used to think adults didn't do that. I used to think hard days made me weaker.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">They don't.</span><br />
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The ability to talk about the hard stuff and allow my emotions to go to those dark places sometimes is actually a strength.<br />
I don't often stay in the dark but it's ok to visit. In fact, visiting the dark places helps me to brighten the light places.<br />
And if I do end up staying there for a while, that's ok too. It's ok to feel weighed down by life. Life is hard. It's ok to feel anger and sadness and fear. All of those things are valid.<br />
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I just try and make sure that whatever emotions I'm feeling, I allow them to stay for however long it feels productive. Once those emotions become unproductive and even destructive, then I reach out to others to help me reset.<br />
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The beauty of life is that we CAN reset. We don't have to be stuck. We have the opportunity to change if we really want to.<br />
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Among the sadness that I feel, I also feel so much joy. I feel so grateful to be alive, to be living out many of my dreams right now.<br />
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On my hard days, I try to remember the good stuff too. I try to remember that even though there seems to be a lot of bad, there is even more good.<br />
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Life won't ever be perfect, although that'd be super nice. It won't always be rainbows and sunshine and butterflies. But maybe that wouldn't be "the perfect life".<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Maybe life <i><b>is</b></i> perfect. </span>Because life is doing exactly what it was intended to do. Life is teaching me and pushing me to grow and allowing me the ability to feel compassion for others. Life is giving me hard days and easy days, happy memories and messy ones, and even though it doesn't always <i>feel </i>perfect---maybe it is. <b>Maybe this is a perfect life.</b><br />
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I guess until now, I've never really thought of it that way.<br />
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When I look back on the events in my life, the hardest ones have taught me the most. I hate saying that because my goodness, I do NOT want hard things to come my way, but I can recognize the growth within myself.<br />
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I can look back on the little girl that I was and how much love and compassion I had for other people. I know I talk about how hard I was as a kid but the truth is, I was an amazing little girl. And I'm not being sarcastic. I was often worried about other people and trying to help others. But I didn't have the knowledge or patience that I have now. I wasn't mature enough to hold my tongue when angry words were ready to spill over.<br />
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And although I'm not perfect at it now, I try really hard to be the type of person that loves others, even those who hurt my heart.<br />
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My kids and I got to have a short conversation about this today. As we were leaving church, I saw a lady whom I truly admire and I called out to her and told her she was gorgeous. As soon as we got in the car, my little girl asked why I had said that and I told her it was because this lady is one of my heroes. She may not know that I look up to her but I do. Princess asked why I like her so much and I said, "Because she is so kind to everyone around her and that is the type of person I want to be."<br />
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And it's the truth. I want to be kind and loving, patient and slow to anger. I want to see others how Heavenly Father sees them. <br />
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And maybe it sounds easy on paper but it isn't. I still find myself getting frustrated when I'm feeling misunderstood by someone. It isn't easy to hold my tongue when others are saying hurtful things.<br />
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But it's a process. In this perfectly messy life that I live, I am slowly becoming the person that I want to be.Suzanne Maughanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01699592381901194159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4302216566823815862.post-39128003521291412192015-06-02T21:04:00.002-07:002015-06-02T21:04:43.883-07:00Summer Blues<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Summer is kicking my butt so far. </div>
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The house is a sticky mess. It already feels hotter than hell outside. And my theory of being more relaxed and letting the kids stay up later has made us all a lot grumpier. </div>
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<i>Hmph. </i></div>
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I've been trying to get into a summer rhythm. </div>
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I have a lot of things I'm trying to recover from---pretty much all of them being emotional messes---but being out of rhythm really throws off my recovery groove. </div>
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So far, my statistics class seems like it's going to be my easiest which is ironic because every time I've considered signing up for statistics, I put it off another semester because I've been told how hard it is. I'm hoping this means statistics is one of my "things" and that I won't end up being a failure this summer with my classes. </div>
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ASU is calling my name in the fall and I want to prove to myself that I can handle this whole online thing even with harder classes. </div>
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This next part is going to make me sound spoiled and for that, I'm sorry. But the truth is that I've had a cleaning lady for the past 8 months. Yup. When I started working again last August, I realized I couldn't keep up with my gym membership because it took too much time and energy to try and go after school/work every night, especially since my kids are normally in bed by 7pm. A few weeks after juggling the school/work/mom circus, my house was disgusting (<i>quite literally</i>) and I found a cleaning lady who could help me out for a close enough price to the price I was paying on a gym. </div>
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Well, now that I'm home more and doing school online, I cancelled the cleaning services because I can handle all of this...<i>right</i>? </div>
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Well, so far, I kind of suck at it. I mean, online schooling is still schooling and it still takes up time and energy and I'm actually working more hours and my kids aren't gone most of the day at school. </div>
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So our kitchen floor is sticky. Our family room carpet has crumbs on it. The kids room is all sorts of disastrous. </div>
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But we try to clean every day. We try to push forward with whatever messes we get to. </div>
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And when I don't clean up a mess for a few days, I forgive myself---because there is a lot going on and sometimes we choose other activities over cleaning. </div>
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They'll only be little once, right? This is their only summer at these ages and I plan on being there for as much of it as I can be. </div>
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Along with my summer blues, I've been trying to find time for myself. Time that does not include school or work or children. </div>
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And that is NOT easy. </div>
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It usually involves Netflix and ice cream. Or maybe blogging or going on a bike ride or talking to my friends on the phone. </div>
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And once in a while, I make decisions to change my hair color. </div>
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Case in point:</div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xU3k-R87nvQ/VW5nbjzxnGI/AAAAAAAAQgk/ctnPY6Y5Bw8/s1600/suzanne%2Bbrunette.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xU3k-R87nvQ/VW5nbjzxnGI/AAAAAAAAQgk/ctnPY6Y5Bw8/s640/suzanne%2Bbrunette.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
*above-before, below-after*<br />
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As hard as it is to remember "me time", I know that I need it. </div>
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I know that I cannot just function as a mother and a student and a biller and a dance teacher. I need to function as Suzanne. </div>
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Sometimes I forget who she is or what her purpose is because it seems like I do everything for everyone else but when I have chances to remember her alone, I am reminded of her purpose. </div>
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Of my purpose. </div>
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I've questioned it a lot, what my purpose in life is. And maybe it sounds odd that this blog is a part of that purpose but I've always felt like writing was my thing, my way of helping others and reaching people whom I never would've met any other way. </div>
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<b>I don't need a million followers, I just need the right followers. </b></div>
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I just need those of you who read this to know that people go through hard things and they can come out on top. It is possible. In fact, it is necessary. </div>
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We have a chance to live and learn while we are on this earth. We have a chance to help others, to be teachers and colleagues and friends. We have a chance to be students to the people we come in contact with. We get to learn from them. </div>
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Everyone has these unique experiences and since we can't all experience the same things (a<i>nd trust me, we probably wouldn't want to</i>), we can learn from the experiences of others.</div>
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To me, life is all about love and learning and rising above. It is about making choices that will make a difference in this world to make it a better place for our children to live. </div>
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That is why I talk about uncomfortable things like pornography addiction and eating disorders and failed marriage. You might think I like talking about those things but often times, I struggle with knowing what to say and how to say it. </div>
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But because they are my experiences and I'd rather you learn from me instead of going down that path yourself, I want to talk about them. I want to open up about how hard life can be---<b>but I never want to forget how beautiful life can be too. </b></div>
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I hope you never forget it either. </div>
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And if you do forget it, I hope you can find that beauty again. </div>
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It will always be there. </div>
Suzanne Maughanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01699592381901194159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4302216566823815862.post-32013348509330760552015-05-26T20:52:00.001-07:002015-05-26T20:52:34.406-07:00Because It's A Mess<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Wow, you guys.<br />
Life.<br />
It's hard.<br />
<br />
I'm sure this isn't news to you. It shouldn't be news to me either but apparently I keep finding my pair of rose-colored glasses and putting them back on before they're slapped off again.<br />
<br />
My life is all sorts of brutiful <i>(brutal+beautiful)</i> right now.<br />
I am loving my new work/school/co-parenting schedule. I am loving the ages of my children and the tight bond we all have.<br />
I am not loving the messy relationships in my life or the anxiety of dating and being alone---<i>which on most days, I've decided is just going to be my fate because dating = harder than I ever thought.</i><br />
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I feel confused a lot---mostly asking God why life is allowed to be so messy when I'm already a divorced mom of 2 young kids Why, after being left by my husband and left to deal with the trauma and anxiety, life isn't just perfect now.<br />
But when I ask Him that, I almost immediately take it back because I don't want to be the victim. I don't want to make our situation look more dire than it is.<br />
It might be hard but it isn't a life sentence.<br />
<br />
I know life isn't just going to be perfect. I know trials don't just disqualify me from ever having hard times again <i>(Although that'd be really awesome...)</i>.<br />
<br />
But I struggle so much with believing I'm a good person and one of the hardest trials for me is when other people tell me, <i><b>literally tell me</b></i>, I'm not a good person. Because then my brain gets all confused and I'm back to second guessing and wondering how two different people can believe two totally opposite things about me.<br />
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It's a mess, really. It's a drama-filled mess that I'm trying to rise above.<br />
<br />
But goshdarnit, rising above the hard stuff is a lot more difficult than it sounds.<br />
<br />
Rising above is what warriors do. It is what the strongest of strong people are able to do. And am I there? Am I one of them?<br />
I try. I try so hard to be strong but am I?<br />
<br />
I guess the answer is yes. I guess when I write it all down, being alone and providing for two kids while going to school full time is pretty strong. But some days, it doesn't feel strong. Some days, it just feels like something I do because I've been forced to do it.<br />
Because it's either be a single mom or never get out of bed again---and so far <i>{most days}</i>, I've chosen to be a mom and I've even tried to be a good mom---occasionally a great one.<br />
<br />
But although I seem to be unbreakable so far, I feel like the messes are wearing me down a little at a time.<br />
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And I hate that.<br />
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I hate feeling like others have some sort of control over how I feel about myself. I want to be strong and confident every single day.<br />
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Because you know what? I'm just as much a daughter of God as every other woman on this earth.<br />
End. Of. Story.<br />
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I want to polish off this blog post with some profound words but seriously, I am not there tonight. I feel like I haven't be there at all lately. Maybe someday...<br />
<br />Suzanne Maughanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01699592381901194159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4302216566823815862.post-76700605145394891922015-05-21T23:06:00.000-07:002015-05-21T23:06:08.567-07:00Worthy and Good and a lot bit Crazy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Sometimes I go to therapy.<br />
<br />
If you think that's a weird thing to admit, then I think you're weird for thinking that it's a weird thing for me to admit...<i>so...booyah</i>.<br />
As an aspiring therapist, I'm pretty comfortable talking about the fact that sometimes I talk about my life with a therapist---actually not just "a therapist", my therapist.<br />
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Anyway, shall I move on with the point? <i>Any day now, Suzanne</i>.<br />
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I was working through some crap this week that's been bothering me and I've had a few realizations.<br />
I struggle a lot {<i>alot-alot</i>} believing that I am a good person. Like a genuinely, deep-down, rooted firm within myself <b>good person</b>. I believe this is something I've always struggled with partly because of the way I was raised (<i>Hi, mom and dad---love you both forever and ever</i>) and partly because of the uniquely crazy individual that I am. I tend to look at every decision I make and pinpoint the greed within the motive. And when I make mistakes---oh my goodness, they get blown way out of proportion.<br />
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I only know this because a particular lady that I pay to counsel with me told me so.<br />
<b>And she's always right. </b><span style="font-size: x-small;">Because if she was wrong, why would I pay her?</span><br />
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It's hard for me to feel like I'm blowing my mistakes out of proportion when I put so much negative focus on them.<br />
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So it's not all black and it's not all white. We are all sorts of grays.<br />
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When I make mistakes, I categorize myself in the darkest of the grays. I have a hard time seeing my goodness. All of my other mistakes come into clear focus and everything else just looks like a fuzzy mess.<br />
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There are blips in my life where I can remember being an intensely confident woman but this doesn't usually last long periods of time. For the most part, I'm questioning myself and trying to counteract all of my imperfections with smiles, a cheerful attitude, and any little acts of service I can get my hands on.<br />
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It's weird---making myself crazy to try and prove to myself that I'm a good person. Lately I've wondered what in the heck the point of this is.<br />
I either need to believe it or not believe it.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">So I'm choosing this week to believe it. </span><br />
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Obviously, this can't mean I've been perfect---<i>I haven't</i>---but it means that when I make mistakes, I brush them off and focus on the good. I focus more on what's inside than on my outward choices.<br />
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I know who I am. I know who I'm striving to be. That should count for a great deal of "who is Suzanne" and I don't know why I haven't allowed it to play a bigger role than it has.<br />
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But this week, I am. This week, I am being brave. I am not over-thinking my friendships or obsessing over what people think of me. I am not putting myself down or thinking the worst.<br />
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This is hard for me. Because I have compulsive thoughts a lot and I often feel like they define who I am.<br />
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<i>Because good people can't have bad thoughts.</i><br />
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But that just isn't true.<br />
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The lady that I pay told me so...and she's always right.<br />
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So while I'm soul-searching and trying to gain confidence on my own, I'm choosing to believe her.<br />
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In the meantime, you can shake your head at my redundancy. I know I've talked about all of this before and the truth is, I'll probably talk about it again.<br />
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We all have our crap---today this is mine.Suzanne Maughanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01699592381901194159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4302216566823815862.post-10737018279736575262015-05-17T22:59:00.000-07:002015-05-17T22:59:13.859-07:00Her Seventh YearIt's hard to know where to begin because I've been thinking about the day I'd be writing this post for quite some time.<br />
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I have filled this post with a ton of pictures because Princess has had A LOT of things going on the past week.<br />
She had a dance competition, dance banquet, end of the year recital and her 7th birthday.<br />
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Dance life has felt crazy lately.<br />
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Her banquet went well. She got a little diamond plaque for completing another year with her SNS team.<br />
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She got to spend the evening with her favorite dance friend, J.<br />
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And she got to give hugs to her favorite Miss Cassie.<br />
Cassie is the teacher who took Princess under her wing this year. She gave her the opportunity to do a solo and believed in her when Princess started to doubt her abilities. Cassie was sincerely an answer to my prayers.<br />
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This hasn't been the easiest dance year for my girly. She has worked really hard and at the beginning of the year, she was getting a lot of recognition and her confidence was high. But due to a lot of factors, some of them regarding home life and some of them regarding studio life, she started struggling mid-year. As her mother, this isn't an easy thing to watch. I have wondered a lot this year if I was making the right decisions for her by allowing her to stay in dance but her solo really brought back some of her sparkle that had gone missing and it was nice to see her feeling so loved and appreciated.<br />
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Anyway, more on that late...<br />
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Princess turned 7 this week and I had big plans for her main birthday present. I planned on redoing the kids' room while they were with their dad from Wednesday to Friday. I stayed up late each night painting and decorating and somehow, it all came together!<br />
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When P walked into the house after school, I told her I needed her to go look in her room.<br />
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She walked in and looked around for a good minute or two, commenting on how I had put a desk in her room, etc. before she asked where her bed was.<br />
Ha! That was her expression when I told her the room she was standing in was no longer her room.<br />
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When she walked into what is now her room, she started jumping and squealing and pointing out all of the things she loved about it. Ninja was pretty excited too, since he shares a room with her.<br />
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I bought this doll bed because she had told me a month ago that she wished she could sleep with her AG doll but that it was too uncomfortable. So now they can sleep close to each other every night.<br />
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I did all the painting on my own but some of my awesome friends helped me decorate the walls in yellow and gray.<br />
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Then we asked P if she would prefer to do presents on Friday afternoon or after her dance recital on Saturday.<br />
Of course, she picked Friday.<br />
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So it was time for presents from her brother and I.<br />
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Ninja got her some craft stuff and that baby unicorn. She has hardly put the unicorn down since she got it.<br />
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I mostly just got her clothes for summer since they were things she was needing.<br />
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But she did specifically ask for a maxi skirt "because that's what big girls wear to church" so I made sure to buy her one to go along with her other clothes.<br />
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A few more crafts and she was done opening presents!<br />
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And boy, was she happy!<br />
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After presents, it was time to go down to the QC Arts Center for the kids recital rehearsal. The fun part, or super duper not so fun part, about having BOTH of your kids in dance is having them in two different time blocks. We ended up being at the arts center for close to 3 hours on Friday night.<br />
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And naturally, Princess found creative ways to stay entertained.<br />
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Saturday morning, we woke up to celebrate the BIRTHDAY GIRL. We did breakfast and then we had to start getting ready for recital.<br />
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I woke up feeling all sorts of nostalgia. We have done recitals at Club Dance for three years now and Saturday was Princess' last recital with them. I haven't really opened up about this because I wanted to wait until after her recital but she will not be returning to Club Dance for next year. We have nothing against Club. In fact, Princess had some pretty amazing teachers there and she is sad to leave but this year really showed me that Club isn't the right place for her at this time. It was a struggle for her not to make the Allstars team (and let's be honest, it was a struggle for me as well) and then she struggled not feeling like she was a good enough dancer for most of the year---and this is where mom decision comes in.<br />
Princess doesn't want to leave Club. She has friends there and loves her teachers. But I already teach dance at another studio and I believe it will better fit the pace Princess needs right now. She needs smaller classes, more positive and laid back environments, and a chance to breathe this year.<br />
She will be on company at my studio which means she will be dancing more hours but she will be performing a little bit less than this past year and I think it'll be better to have her with me more often.<br />
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This wasn't an easy decision for us because really, Club has been her life. It is all she knows about the dance world. And after the recital, I started having second thoughts because we love the people we have met. But I know she will love the people at her new studio too.<br />
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Anyway, I know that was kind of long and maybe it seems silly but this was a big deal for us! It's exciting and sad and scary and happy, all mixed together.<br />
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My girl did amazing in her recital. We ended up being there most of the day since she performed in the 11:30am show and her brother performed in the 2pm show.<br />
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She got to spend most of the day with her mom AND her dad and since she struggles a lot with our divorce, I am happy she had the opportunity to have us both on her birthday.<br />
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Per her request, we headed to Texas Roadhouse after the recitals were over because this girl is a steak lover! She finished her steak and then asked if she could eat some of mine. And I was proud of her for being brave enough to sit in the saddle while everyone sang happy birthday to her.<br />
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On our drive home, Princess mentioned that we hadn't had cake for her birthday.<br />
Little did she know our favorite Lenahans had been decorating their house and baking a cake for her as a surprise.<br />
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She got to help decorate it and it turned out super adorable.<br />
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She was so happy to be able to play with her best friend and celebrate the end of her birthday with her.<br />
And I was happy and so grateful for all of the love that was shown to her.<br />
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I think my favorite part was when A covered D's mouth during the blowing out of the candles.<br />
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All in all, it was an incredible and busy and wonderful week. Celebrating my daughter and watching her participate in something she truly loves made it a happy day for the rest of us.<br />
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I am in disbelief that my BABY GIRL is 7 but I am so proud of the little lady she is. I love her so incredibly much and would not trade her for anything in the world.<br />
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Happy birthday, Princess.Suzanne Maughanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01699592381901194159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4302216566823815862.post-27885033716452066652015-05-04T23:11:00.001-07:002015-05-04T23:11:27.851-07:00The Book of Mormon<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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A month ago, I was so angry with God. I was angry that he had allowed <i>too much</i> to come into my life.<br />
I was angry that church didn't seem like a place of peace. In fact, church was just exhausting.<br />
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Maybe this faith struggle is news to you and maybe it isn't but tonight, I want to dive into it a little bit deeper than I usually do. I want to reminisce on how I became this person that I am today.<br />
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My memories of church growing up have a lot of good and a lot of bad.<br />
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I can remember being a 5 or 6 year old in my primary class and learning about prayer and how we all have the ability to speak with God whenever we want. This amazed my young mind. I would often pray and have long conversations with God. I would tell Him about my day, about the boys I liked, about the friends I had, etc. He was my friend.<br />
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As I got a little older, church started to become more difficult. I was teased and left out a lot of the time. I began to resent church because I didn't want to be around so many fake people who preached about love and acceptance but weren't very kind to me.<br />
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My teenage years were especially hard. I was enrolled in seminary in high school and although I secretly enjoyed so many things about seminary, I was struggling with feeling accepted and loved. I was the rebellious teen and I knew a lot of my church peers would talk about me behind my back. Luckily, during this time, I made friends with a new girl in my ward who I related to so well.<br />
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I don't believe I ever stopped believing in God or His gospel but I didn't really understand the extent of the church. I had witnessed a lot of incidences that I cannot deny which cemented my testimony in God but I had never studied the Book of Mormon or the Bible on my own. </div>
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In fact, I don't ever remember reading the Book of Mormon all the way through on my own. </div>
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I was married in the temple and my testimony in the LDS faith seemed to be really strong but there was always something missing, a personal conviction that I had yet to witness. </div>
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It's hard to explain because I don't feel like I've just been going through the motions for years. I have received answers to prayers, seen miracles, and felt the Spirit with me when I needed it most. I have seen the power of the Priesthood work in my life and have felt some pretty incredible things during General Conference and my regular Sunday meetings. </div>
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But in the past year, I've struggled with my faith. </div>
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I've questioned my purpose, the purpose of a God, the purpose of a church, etc. I've had times where I decided I would not be going back to church because it is just too hard to be there and hear the lessons and wrangle my children for an hour before they go to their classes. </div>
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My main concern has been what my friends and family will think about me if I choose to leave the church. </div>
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And I think when I realized this, I realized that this is where my faith crisis was creeping in. </div>
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<b>I wasn't going to church for myself. I was doing it for everybody else. </b></div>
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Since recognizing that, I've been analyzing my personal reasons for not giving up on my church and I feel like the more I focus on that, the stronger I become. </div>
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I also gave myself a challenge this past month. I felt like it was my last hurrah before deciding what I wanted and what was most important to me in this life. </div>
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A friend had challenged me to read the Book of Mormon with her in 90 days and I told her I would love to do this. </div>
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Within the first week, I was almost halfway done because I was listening to it during work. </div>
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By the end of the second week, I had only a few chapters left. </div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Today I finished the Book of Mormon. </span></b></div>
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I listened to the Book of Mormon in less than 3 weeks and I loved so much of it. </div>
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I loved listening to Nephi as he spoke of the things God was asking of him. In fact, a lot of the stories of Nephi and Lehi are now my favorites because I relate to them so much. </div>
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I loved listening to King Benjamin's address to his people. As I listened to his compassion and love and humbleness, I sat in my work office and just kept nodding my head over and over, agreeing with the words he was saying. </div>
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Did I retain everything that I listened to? No. But I can honestly tell you that if I were to read the Book of Mormon, I wouldn't retain much more. <span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>My lovely ADHD makes it difficult to focus on reading sometimes.</i></span> </div>
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As I finished today, I started to think about what kind of example I want to be for my kids. </div>
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A month ago when I was struggling with some pretty messy things that had happened in my life and I told my mom I didn't want to go to church anymore, she reminded me to think of the future with my children before making my final decision. </div>
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And she was right. </div>
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Because I want these children to have strong testimonies. I want them to know that God loves them, that Jesus Christ died for them, and that the power of the Priesthood is real. I want them to know that we have a living prophet on the earth today who is an instrument in the hands of our Heavenly Father.<br />
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I want them to know they have a purpose on this earth, just as each of us does.<br />
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And for me, the most important thing I want them to know is that God doesn't just love people who are perfect or close to it. He will love them when they fall, when they make really dumb decisions, and when they question His existence.<br />
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In fact, I can tell you that is one of the most amazing things I have witnessed this past month. I spent a good portion of a particular Thursday yelling at God---full on yelling at the top of my lungs until my voice was hoarse. I let all of my anger out and told Him everything that was wrong. I told Him that in order for me to feel Him, He would need to send me a sign. My body could not physically feel His comfort because I was in so much pain and I was so confused and I think I might have actually <b><i>demanded</i></b> He send me a sign.<br />
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">Yeah.</span></i><br />
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I didn't deserve a sign. I didn't deserve an answer or miracle that brought comfort.<br />
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<b>But He sent it anyway.</b> He sent it in the form of a text from a friend and although it was "just a text", it was anything but "just a text".<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">It was everything. </span><br />
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He knew that my anger was fear. He knew that I needed to yell. And when I yelled, He just sent more love.<br />
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Friends, that is the type of person I want to be. I want to be the type of person that loves when people hurt her, that doesn't judge others when they act selfishly or rudely.<br />
Everyone has a story and a reason behind their choices. God knows it because He is God but what if we knew it? What if we could look at others and see all of their pain? What if we could understand their motive behind their decisions? I can bet we wouldn't judge as much. I can bet we would find ourselves with a lot more patience.<br />
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Tonight I am a little bit wiser and my faith is a little bit stronger. It isn't going to fall into place in a day but I certainly have found a few of the puzzle pieces I was missing before.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I believe in God. I know He is real. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">And I know He loves me. </span>Suzanne Maughanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01699592381901194159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4302216566823815862.post-30415694078703393842015-05-03T21:19:00.001-07:002015-05-03T21:19:13.948-07:00Life Goes On<div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-FsBGbNtka_I/VUbzP9mIP2I/AAAAAAAAQZU/8nobUDlV_iU/s640/blogger-image--1053572880.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-FsBGbNtka_I/VUbzP9mIP2I/AAAAAAAAQZU/8nobUDlV_iU/s640/blogger-image--1053572880.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">It's incredible how you can go from feeling loved to discarded in seconds. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">This has been on my mind for weeks. In fact, it's tried to consume me and make me fear every relationship I've ever had. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">If I'm being honest, I have feared life more. I have feared the validity of my relationships. I have been extremely hurt in ways that I never could've expected possible. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">I should be used to this, right? I mean, I've done the divorce thing, the infertility thing, and I've lost a lot of friendships that were out of my control. But I'm not used to it. I'll never be used to it. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">I used to love the quote that said something similar to this: "Be the kind if person that if others were to talk bad about you, no one would believe them.". I used to read that and think that my true relationships would never dissipate because I was showing my genuine self. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">I don't like that quote anymore. In fact, I think that quote just gives us a false sense of security. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">People will leave if they want to leave. People will choose sides and believe things and there will be times in your life that you won't ever be given the chance to explain yourself. You will trust and you will fall. You will make judgment calls that in hindsight really sucked. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">And you will ache. Your heart will feel like it's being ripped out. You will question your purpose in life and possibly lose your sense of worth and the days will seem long and dark.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">And the anger. Oh the anger. You will probably find yourself angry at the world for a while. You will probably find yourself a little more impatient for a while as you try to understand why and how this could've happened. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">But fortunately, that doesn't have to be the end. Because although you will still hurt, it will slowly start to get better. Every day, you will think about the lost relationships a little less until they become a distant memory. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">I hope this doesn't end up being the case for you but since I've endured it twice now in completely different situations(not counting divorce), I can tell you it is possible. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">It is possible to be a good person and be hated by a lot of people. It is possible to be called a liar when you're telling the truth. It is possible that your closest friends will believe the things they hear instead of believing in you. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">I want to tell you that you are strong enough to handle this, that life goes on---it certainly does---but for a while, it'll probably move slower and you'll probably struggle to look at any of your relationships the same way. You might struggle to stay positive. You might cry a lot or your heart might harden. You might find yourself adding new swear words to your vocabulary or questioning your faith in God. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">But life does go on. Eventually, you will build a new relationship groove and find yourself not getting anxiety when you have to trust your friends. You will ache and there will be sporadic reminders but they will get easier to deal with. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">You might become the needy friend for a while but that's ok because your real friends will be there to assure you that they aren't leaving. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">I can try and prepare you or empathize with you but the hardest part of all of this is that if/when it happens, you will feel alone for a while. You will feel like no one understands. You will feel abandoned. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">But the more you fight for yourself, the better you will feel. The more you trust yourself, the stronger you will get. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">We are warriors. And when our hearts break, we have the capability to fight for ourselves. </div>Suzanne Maughanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01699592381901194159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4302216566823815862.post-66748755522129498182015-04-14T21:07:00.000-07:002015-04-14T21:07:05.435-07:00Eight Years Eight years ago, I made a decision that ultimately affected my life forever.<br />
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I married my then-husband in the Mesa, Arizona temple.<br />
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Soon we had children.<br />
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The cutest freaking children in the entire world!<br />
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Although marriage wasn't perfect, I felt like I was exactly where I was supposed to be, doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing.<br />
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My whole life revolved around raising children. I was home with them all day and all night. I felt like life was what I had hoped it would be.<br />
<br />
Eight years.<br />
<br />
I was exactly 19.5 years old the day I got married <i><span style="font-size: x-small;">(So happy half-birthday to me today!)</span></i>. I hadn't planned it that way. In fact, as my friends were dreaming of marriage, I was planning on becoming a nanny in another country or attending college in another state. I wanted to move out and have some time to grow.<br />
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But I did it exactly the way I was supposed to do it. I fell in love and got married. I was exactly the age I was supposed to be and it all fell into place.<br />
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Life was rocky and beautiful. There was so much good.<br />
<br />
Last year, as April 14th crept up on me, I knew I didn't want this day to be full of sadness for what could've been. I wanted it to be full of good memories and happiness. So we started a tradition of celebrating the day our family became a family.<br />
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It may look different. We might be a split family. But without April 14th, 2007, my children wouldn't be here. So today, we celebrate the choices two people made to bring those amazing little chicklets into the world.<br />
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We celebrated today by having dinner at Texas Roadhouse and I told my children stories of my wedding day. I told them how happy we were and how amazing it was to welcome each of them into the world.<br />
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And when they asked why it ended, we talked about how sometimes things don't go the way we planned them.<br />
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But God is always there. Even when the hardest thing we ever thought possible happens, we are never alone.<br />
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And each time they would start to get stuck on the heartache of our divorce, I would bring them back with a happy memory.<br />
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I emphasized how real those memories are. I emphasized that no matter what life is like now, back then it was how it was supposed to be. I loved their dad and he loved me. And together, we love the two of them so very, very much.<br />
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I really can't believe it's been 8 years since that sunny April day.<br />
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Sometimes I'm sad that it turned out this way but then I look at my two children and how much I've grown and all I have is a heart full of gratitude for these past 8 years.Suzanne Maughanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01699592381901194159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4302216566823815862.post-30328291413821181652015-04-13T18:19:00.000-07:002015-04-13T18:19:25.143-07:00Put Your Brave Pants OnI've been thinking about <span style="font-size: x-large;">bravery</span> and<span style="font-size: x-large;"> heroism </span>lately. As I've struggled to crawl out of the hole I fell into, I've had to learn a few things about what bravery really means to me.<br />
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I've struggled a lot with the fear of abandonment. I've never had an explanation that makes sense in my mind because this is something I feared long before divorce.<br />
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Because of this, I'm often paranoid that the people in my life will leave me.<br />
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So for me, making friends is really brave. Even just meeting new people is really brave.<br />
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Being authentic and vulnerable is extremely brave.<br />
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But every day, I try. I go out into the world, most of the time with a big smile, and I try to make sure I'm making the world brighter. And when I can't make the world brighter, I at least try not to make it any darker.<br />
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Bravery is about trying. It is about getting up each day and deciding to do things that aren't always comfortable. It is breaking out of the square box we would normally live in.<br />
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Bravery is showing the world it can't break you. It is waking up with a smile when everyone expects you to fall apart. It is trusting your heart and believing in yourself.<br />
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Because as much as we want to believe others will pick us up, sometimes the best thing for them is walking away. And I'm not here to determine whether that choice is right or wrong because it's different for everyone.<br />
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So you have to learn to save yourself.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Be your own hero. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">Believe in who you are.</span><br />
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This is one of my greatest parenting goals. Teaching bravery to children is an every day, every minute task. Most of the things my kids experience are new to them and often times, they look to me for reassurance. Each day, I try to emphasize the importance of putting our <b>"brave pants" </b>on and trying our best.<br />
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This ranges from trying new foods to attending school to giving a talk in primary and sometimes it even means dancing in front of hundreds of people.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">My kids do brave things every day. </span><br />
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Princess struggles with this the most. She isn't as outgoing as Ninja and she often clings to my leg in new situations.<br />
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I remember the day she started kindergarten. I remember walking away as she cried and tried to run after me. I remember feeling like the worst mom in the world, even though I knew that brave moment would help shape her into the girl she is today.<br />
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That moment taught me a lot about my own life. Because more than once in my life I've watched people walk away and I've cried and wanted to run after them---but in my heart, I knew the best decision would be to stay put and <b>put my faith in myself</b>.<br />
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And the first few times, I was lost for a long time and couldn't find my way back. But the more I choose bravery, the stronger I become. The more I fight for myself, the happier I am. The more I trust myself, the healthier my self-confidence becomes.<br />
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I think God knew this. I think He needed to push me over the edge so I would find myself. I told Him over and over and OVER that He was giving me too much to handle but the thing is, He didn't. I found my way. In fact, I pushed further ahead than I've ever gone.<br />
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I've started reading my scriptures and praying and spending more quality time with my kids. I've started reciting positive affirmations in front of my mirror to remind myself every day that <b>I DO HARD THINGS. </b><br />
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Whether I wanted to or not, God gave me this particular life because I am supposed to be this particular person. And as the Suzanne that I currently am, I can sit here and tell you that I am just as worthy as anyone else. I am worthy of life and love and happiness.<br />
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And happiness doesn't need to include a husband or more children or a million friends or a ton of money---<b>happiness is an inside job</b>. It is something I get to create within myself. It is something I get to share with the people around me.<br />
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I am extremely lucky to be Suzanne. Often times, I've wished to be someone else but this person that I am is pretty cool. The empathy and patience and optimism that God blessed me with is something I wouldn't trade for a million dollars.<br />
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I am not breakable because I am a daughter of God and I know He will always pull me through---whether that means dragging me by my toes or walking with a hand on my shoulder, He won't ever leave me.<br />
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I am brave. You are brave.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">Life is brave. </span>Suzanne Maughanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01699592381901194159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4302216566823815862.post-30345613893592245132015-04-07T21:10:00.000-07:002015-04-07T21:10:26.448-07:00Days Like Today Oh today.<br />
<br />
Today felt amazing.<br />
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Strong. Happy. Peaceful. Capable. Hilarious.<br />
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The only bumps in today consisted of two separate whining sessions from my favorite 6 year old---and both of them ended in giggles and huge belly laughs. In fact, I even saw some tears in her eyes.<br />
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It felt like freedom. Freedom from anxiety. Freedom from heartache. Freedom from the millions of worries that often plague my mind.<br />
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We woke up on time. Nobody complained about what I made them for breakfast. I got my girly off to school and my son to my sister's house and I headed to school.<br />
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School was awesome today. I spoke up about my eating disorder in Sociology. I rocked the hell outta my Geology lab. I understood every single thing in math class.<br />
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After school pick-up ran smoothly. I had some extra time to talk to Princess' teacher and I was reassured of her love for my daughter. We stopped at Chik-Fil-A for a snack and I let P do her homework there---and she finished it in less than 10 minutes.<br />
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No complaints. No whining. Just family life.<br />
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We dropped P off at dance and came home for some quiet time. Ninja had earned Kindle time and I fell asleep on the couch for a few minutes.<br />
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Any time a worry would come into my mind, I was able to shut it down with logic and patience.<br />
You guys, I was patient with myself!<br />
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We ate dinner as a family. We read books together. The kid took turns showering and bedtime was a breeze.<br />
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And now I'm sitting in bed thinking, <i>"Was today real?"</i>. At first, I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure it was possible to have a day that could run this smoothly.<br />
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But I decided that today was my gift from God.<br />
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He knows me. He loves me.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: x-large;">I am worthy of days like today. </span></b>Suzanne Maughanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01699592381901194159noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4302216566823815862.post-40154145203785772392015-04-04T15:04:00.000-07:002015-04-04T15:04:28.581-07:00Warri()r I wanted to come here and tell you how stupid life is and how much life sucks. I wanted to complain and be angry.<br />
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But throughout the week, God has taken my anger and taught me with it. He has given me peace and hope when I really didn't deserve it from Him. And I feel humbled.<br />
I was angry at God for a life that seems to flourish in trials. I was angry that He would allow so much in just a span of three years.<br />
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I've been told that publicly declaring that I can do hard things seems like an invitation to God but I didn't agree. Doing hard things and wanting to do hard things are two different things. Just because I do them doesn't mean I want to do them.<br />
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But I started learning this week. I started listening to my heart more instead of letting my anxiety control my thoughts. Something changed in me this week. I thought my insecurities had snapped me in half but what really happened is that I got so damn sick and tired of fear ruining me that I started to trust myself. I started to find confidence. I started to love myself and recognize some of the really amazing things I've done throughout the years. I started to hear truths about myself that I've never been able to believe before.<br />
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I started focusing on the most important thing...family. I am fighting. For the first time in a long time, this feels like real fighting.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Like warrior fighting.</span><br />
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Because although I've lived through a lot and have done some really hard things, I think most of the time I've fought for others, most specifically for my kids.<br />
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But today, this fight isn't even about them. This fight against Satan is about me. It is a fight I am going to win because Satan knows who I am and that scares him. He hates me. He wants me to fail and be miserable.<br />
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In the LDS hymn, We Thank Thee Oh God For A Prophet, it states, <i>"When dark clouds of trouble hang o'er us and threaten our peace to destroy, there is hope smiling brightly before us."</i><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">There is hope smiling brightly before us. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Dark clouds come from Satan. Hope comes from God. </b></span><br />
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This week was a turning point in my life. As much as I don't like being refined through trials, I have been given so many opportunities to learn. I have been given so many opportunities to be stronger. In a spiritual body building contest, my strength would take me to the very top.<br />
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I don't have much doubt in myself today. And although I can't promise it will always be that way, today I have confidence in my character and my ability to make my life amazing.<br />
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I started out the week so angry at God for all of the things in my life but today, I am humbled that He has brought some of the miracles I've been praying for. They just didn't come in the exact way I had requested them. Instead of erasing some of my trials, God gave me a trust in myself that I have never felt before. He gave me the ability to discern truth, to have empathy, to function as a mother, to come closer to my family members and many of my friends.<br />
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It is because of my God that I am the warrior that I am. None of this would be possible without Him and today, my anger has been softened. My heart has opened up and I have seen how much I have to offer the world.<br />
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On April 1st<i><span style="font-size: x-small;"> (ironically),</span></i> I made a decision that some have been excited about while others haven't quite understood. But it is a decision I felt was right for me.<br />
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In fact, I have not felt a single ounce of regret since that night.<br />
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Now as I look down at the feet that I plant on the ground each day to fight a new war, whether big or small, I am reminded that I am a warrior. No matter what comes my way, I will continue to fight. I will do it for my kids, for my family, and for my friends.<br />
But most importantly, <b>I will do it for myself. </b><br />
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I am worth it. As I stare at the eating disorder symbol that represents the "o" on my foot, I am reminded that no matter what I look like or how much I weigh, my God believes in me and I can believe in myself.<br />
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As I've tried to listen to General Conference through the fights and mishaps with my wonderful children, I caught a quote from Elder Bednar's talk on fear. He said, <i>"</i><span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Godly fear dispels mortal fears. It even subdues
the haunting concerns that we can never be good enough. In truth, we cannot be
good enough relying solely on our own capacity and performance. After all we
can do, we are made whole only through the mercy and grace through the Savior’s
infinite and atoning sacrifice."</i> </span></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">This spoke to my soul as I've struggled with feeling "good enough" for most of my life. </span></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I have realized that my measurements of 'enough' have never included the atoning sacrifice that my Savior paid for me. He makes up the difference when I fall short. I will always be enough in His eyes because I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father and He loves me. </span></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">If ever there was advice to give that I hoped people would listen to, it would be that you are already enough. You are already loved by God. You don't have to prove anything to anyone because God knows who you are and He loves you as His child. </span></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Believe in yourself. Be kind and have courage. Get out of bed and find gratitude in the little things. There is so much power in gratitude. You and I have so much power over how we live our lives. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"></span>Suzanne Maughanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01699592381901194159noreply@blogger.com0