The test I've been failing

Yesterday and today have been hard parenting days. Thing #1 has been testing my patience and each time she tests it, I fail. And in the middle of yelling or spanking her, I think, "I don't want to be this parent!" And then at night, I practically pull my hair out trying to figure out how to do better the next day. I place my blame on the fertility but I REALLY need to figure this all out because if we aren't pregnant soon, we will still be doing fertility and I just cannot have my patience missing for much longer. Plus, once I get pregnant, we all know my hormones will make things hard for a while anyway. :)
So the blame needs to be placed on me. And no one or nothing else.
I am responsible for all that sass rolled into one very little girl.

One of the most important things I realized today is that I am responsible for teaching her how to react to any certain situation. So if I proceed to FREAK OUT when milk is spilled, guess what? She is going to freak out too.
Some days, I wonder if that is why she screams incessantly while she is in time out. Either that or she lets out some seriously loud 2 second screams every minute or so to let me know she is still angry. Because sometimes when I'm having a rough time, I go and scream it out in my room too!
And does anyone else's 3 year old lie? My girly has done it once or twice but tonight, it was blatant and obvious and it made me so upset. I had told her if she wanted me to read her Pinkalicious, she would need to finish her dinner. I left the room and not ten seconds later, she yelled, "Mom, I ate my dinner all gone." I walked back in and asked her where her plate was and she said, "It's not under the kitchen table." And there it was, still full of food. Her food went in the trash, she did not get anything else to eat tonight, and she did not get Pinkalicious read to her. Did I do the right thing? Am I too harsh? Too lenient?
Sometimes, I just wish I could have a parenting expert at hand to let me know when I am making the right parenting decisions. That would really be helpful.
I am trying my best to be the best mother for my children. There doesn't seem to be enough time in the day for them, my husband, the house, AND myself.
I look at that list and I know I am the last one on it and that is ok with me. As long as I have some time to myself at night, I feel like I can give my family the rest of my day.
I feel horrible that I have been writing about only the bad from the past few days. The funny thing is, the days haven't actually felt all that bad. Those certain moments between my daughter and I have been hard. But the rest of the days have been filled with mostly happiness.
Boss and I have been on a Harry Potter kick and hae watched the first couple of movies. We have also loved playing Harry Potter Scene-It and Ticket to Ride together. These things happen at night on the days when he isn't at school and they are precious moments. They are as good a date night as any we've been on and I appreciate him being patient as I yell at him for winning for the umpteenth time (he always wins!).
My house has benefited. I still need to post the redo of the kids room but it is practically spotless! And stays that way most of the day! And I did laundry today and swept. It's going to take me awhile to get the house back in order since I've been sick and lethargic lately (Hi, fertility. I dont like you!) but I am getting there.
And the kids and I have done some fun things every day. They have been the hardest area of y life lately but I wouldn't trade them for anything. How blessed I am to be a mother! It is really all I've ever wanted and I get to do it full time, all day, every day. It is the hardest and most rewarding job and I am lucky. Stressed out but lucky. :)
I hope you are all getting into the Christmas spirit. We are having fun and enjoying (well, my kids are enduring...) the cold weather.

And that's how Suze sees it.