Tonight, I want to blog about the thing I am most thankful for at this very moment in time and that is my marriage.
Months ago, I didn't think I'd be married today. My attitude was in the wrong place and I just didn't think I was going to continue on with the eternal commitment I had made. Around the time that my husband decided he didn't want to continue to go to church with our family, I decided that was the final straw. "Poor me", right?
Big. Fat. Wrong.
Let's start with what changed my outlook on this not-so-big-but-seemed-really-huge trial. From the time I was a little girl, I judged those who stopped coming to church. I thought it was the end of the world for their happiness and for the happiness of their family members. I knew nothing like that would ever happen to me because I wouldn't be able to handle it (Kind of how I viewed infertility before becoming an infertile person. Ironic? I think not.).
The morning my husband told me he didn't have a testimony and wanted to stop going to church with us, I thought it was all over. I was angry and scared. I cried more in those first weeks than I did when I was diagnosed with infertility. I would write little odd things on my blog about going through something really hard but I didn't want everyone to know what was happening. It was hard feeling alone and I will forever be grateful to my best friend/sister who was the only one I really talked to in those weeks. I didn't feel like this was something we were going to be able to get through. I didn't feel strong enough to handle this.
But one day, things started changing. I began to view my husband as a child of God. I began to see this as his trial and realize that I am here to love him and support him. I realized this not-really-my-trial should have never had a 'poor me' sticker attached to it. I started realizing that my husband didn't feel like he is a child of God and that began to make me sad. Que this post. I hoped by some miracle that this trial would last weeks for him but such is not the case. Boss is figuring out his life and in the mean time, he is the best husband a girl could ask for.
What I've learned through this is that my eternal marriage is more important than what is happening at this very moment. There are days that are hard. There are days I'm worried probably more than you can even imagine {or at least I hope so}. There are days I want it all to end. But just like anything else in life, even on my hardest days, I've learned to trust in God's plan for our family. He knows what our life is and where it is going. I have faith that He will never leave me when I'm feeling lonely. He loves me. He loves Boss. And He wants us to be together forever. And guess what? I want us to be together forever too.
Everyone has trials. Everyone is dealing with something of their own. There have been many times I've been afraid that our family is being judged, just as I did to others as a kid, but what I've learned is that all I can do is make sure I'm not judging others. We don't know every personal story of everyone around us so why do we judge them for what we see on the outside?
If I could ask for one thing this holiday season it would be for more love. Not love for me but for my husband and for all of the others who are struggling to find out who they are, just as he is. I would ask that you reach out to someone you know and just love them. Don't judge them. Don't try to force them to do something. Just love them. Unconditionally love them as God loves all of us. I can bet you anything that God doesn't look at Boss and others and think, "Wow, you're making a stupid decision right now. How dumb! How frustrating!" He gets sad because He wants His children to know of His love but all He does is keep on loving us and hoping that we'll recognize and feel it. That's what I pray we can all do for someone close to us.
I am so thankful for my family and for the knowledge I have of God's love for me. I am thankful for the abundance of blessings in my life. I am grateful to know that no matter what trials come my way, I have faith that I can get through anything with God by my side.
And that's how Suze sees it.
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