The Itch I can't Scratch

I've been getting that itch again. It's actually been a couple of months since the last one {thankfully} but it's back and strong.

I'm happy that for now, it's just called an itch. I can remember a year ago when it was the biggest trial of my life. I can still feel that same heartache like it was yesterday. I can still remember trying to explain to you last December how it felt those first few weeks.

I am scared about that itch. It scares me to get my hopes up really high because I know all too well how it feels to have them crushed.

I've been trying to lose weight and get my body as healthy as possible. So far, I've done good these past TWO days. I know, you're laughing. But 2 days is better than no days. The gym calls my name most mornings and I've been trying to get back in a routine of having a nice, hearty smoothie to start my day off right. That actually helps me make better food choices throughout each day so it works for me.

I've been having almost constant headaches for 2.5 weeks and a PCOS friend told me it is probably due to hormones from my "condition" {Is that a thing? Do people call PCOS a condition? I don't even know.} They haven't been horrible but I wish I could take it all away.

Honestly, what I wish more than anything, is that I could keep this past year the way it was but have a baby in my arms. I know those two things aren't possible but it's how I feel. I wish I could keep the parts where I've learned from this, met so many wonderful people, found out who my true supporters are, etc. But you see, the only way to learn all of those things was to NOT have a baby. I had to feel infertility because I needed to learn. And learn, I have.

It's hard to think that I'm getting closer and closer to the end of year 2. How can it be that long since I've wanted baby #3? At the same time, it seems like it's been much longer. It seems like I've been infertile my whole life. It's hard to remember what a positive pregnancy test would even look like. It's hard to remember the feeling of a baby kicking me from the inside. So many things seem so distant.

And yet, I can clearly see one of the biggest reasons I've gone through this. These past few months have been a testament as to why we just can't have 3 children right now. I know I'm ranting but I'm just so darn grateful to my Heavenly Father who clearly knows what we can handle and how our lives are supposed to turn out. He knows the plan for me. I realize I've been saying that this whole time but now, more than ever, I can truly see that.

When things started to get really hard 3 months ago, I got angry and didn't put enough faith in God. I thought, how the heck can You be giving me another trial just one year after I was diagnosed with PCOS/infertility?
And then I realized the two things probably go hand in hand. My eyes were opened a little more to see how much my Heavenly Father loves and knows me. I hope this is something I can always teach my children. I hope they always know to trust in God and realize that everything in life happens for a reason. I am grateful that one day, when they're older, I will get to share my stories with them and help strengthen their testimonies of faith and patience.

I am so grateful. I am so blessed.

And that's how Suze sees it.