Motherhood

 To start this post, I have to express gratitude for the two mothers in our lives who have raised us and taught us to be who we are today.

Boss' mom

 and my mom.

But to read how amazing those women are, you can read past Mother's Day posts about them. :)

Tonight, I want to talk about what motherhood means to me.

 I've been pregnant 3 times and I have 2 beautiful children that I get to raise. Pregnancy was not easy the first or second time around between one miscarriage, 'all day sickness', bedrest, and my daughter coming a month early by emergency c section. Her first year was also difficult between colic, acid reflux, and me being 4 months pregnant on her first birthday.

I was 20 when Petey was born and I did not feel too young to be her mother.

 I was so proud to be her mother. I could stare at her all day long because she was the most beautiful baby girl I had ever seen. {She still is} The hardest parts of motherhood when she was young was the fact that I worked full time and don't have much recollection of what it was like to be a mom to only one kid. I didn't get to cherish that time as much as I should've. Life went by fast when Petey was a baby.

 We welcomed her brother when she was 16 months old and I fell in love with motherhood all over again. I knew this little boy was supposed to be mine. I was proud to call him mine.

I think about motherhood and am in awe of how amazing mothers are. If we were to only focus on the physical tolls of motherhood, that alone would be amazing. My children were both born via c sections and to think about having a major surgery just to be a mother was a huge sacrifice. My stomach is scarred and actually there is a huge section that has been numb since I had my daughter. I have stretch marks. Breastfeeding was my enemy and didn't work out with either of my kids. I'm often exhausted from keeping up with them all day. Physically, motherhood is hard.

And then there is emotionally. Motherhood is one of the most emotionally hard things I have ever done. I am constantly worrying about whether I am loving my children enough, whether we are raising them correctly, and what trials they're going to endure when they're older. I am a worrier. It is hard for me to let my kids go do things without me if there is even the slightest idea in my mind that they may not be safe. I worry about their past, their present, and their future every day of my life. I worry about their roles in the gospel and whether they will know that they are children of God.

 When my children were young, I thought I was a pretty good mother. I had so much compassion for my younger siblings who both have special needs and I knew that patience and compassion would transfer to my own children. Little did I know that children come with attitudes and minds of their own. ;) Although I still believe I am pretty compassionate and even have semi-ok-fairly-good-average patience, being a mother is hard work. When I see my children talk to me in a rude tone that sounds sadly familiar, I realize they emulate what I am.

 When my daughter screams and throws fits, it is all I can do not to throw a fit of my own and send myself to my room as well. The tantrums and talking back are hard. Knowing what to say and how to teach are also hard. But if there is one thing I've learned through my 5 years of motherhood it is that when I try and keep the Spirit in my home, the environment for my children is much happier.

 Often times, it is hard to not let my personal trials and feelings transfer to my children and there was a point last year where my daughter would ask for a baby sister relentlessly. Though she is only 4, I finally sat her down and we had a talk about mommy's trial of infertility. Although she doesn't yet understand the heartache of what her mommy is going through, she understands the facts. Children are often smarter than we give them credit for. My children have shown me some of the most sincere compassion when I'm having the hardest days.

 Motherhood means being taught lessons every day. When I became a mother, I assumed I would be the one doing the teaching and although I teach my children new things every day, they teach me so much more.

Motherhood is not easy but it is worth it. The sacrifices I've made pale in comparison to the joy that I feel every time I look at my children.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you mothers. What you are doing is truly amazing and I hope you've had a wonderful day.