Getting By

 Let's get real.

Life doesn't always feel like it'll get better and I don't always end my thoughts on a positive note.
I know, my blog would usually say otherwise.
But it's easy to clear my thoughts here and write down things I believe or hope. It's easy to remind myself of the good and forget about the bad for a minute.

But sometimes, the bad is overwhelming. Sometimes, the bad envelopes me and I get panicky and I cry or get really bad anxiety and nothing seems to make it better.

Lately, I've been feeling a lot like this girl below...

...and less like this girl...

...because I feel stuck and confrontational and easily offended and needy of attention. I have a hard time accepting that little girl and all of the "bad" she seemed to be and I revert back to her when I'm feeling that way instead of protecting her for all of the good that was in her.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm drowning and I'm scared about the future.

Sometimes, I'm not ok. Tonight, I'm not ok. I kept thinking of memory after memory and trying to weed through the lies I've been told in my life. What was real? What wasn't? Will I ever trust again? Will anyone ever love me again? Will my kids be ok? Will I be ok?

My goodness, my brain is filled with doubt and worry tonight. This is reality tonight. Although I'll have better days, tonight is not one of them.

Life happens. I learn each and every day. Sometimes all I learn is what not to do---like how I'm probably not ready to weed through old blog posts and remember things I can't handle remembering right now. Someday, it'll feel ok to remember but today, it doesn't. All it does is hurt.

So tonight, I'll get by and hope that tomorrow I can handle more than 'just getting by'.