Two Years Later

August 23rd, 2013:
I lived a seemingly normal life as a stay-at-home mother. I had been married for 6.5 years. I was happy.

I had no idea.

No idea.

And although I tell myself I wish I would have had an idea of what was coming, the truth is that I don't.
Because if God had come and told me what I would go through over the next two years, I would've given up. I seriously would've thrown in the towel and said, "I can't handle those hard things. I'm already drowning from this infertility mess and trying to figure out my marriage."

I would've told Him I can't do this hard thing He knew I was going to do.

But because I didn't know, I didn't give up.

On August 24th, 2013, I woke up on a seemingly cheery Saturday and spent the morning with my children. I awaited my husband's arrival from work at lunch time. And when he didn't come home, I knew.

I knew.

And there were no signs other than the Spirit telling me.
I think that's why, although I've wanted to many times over the past two years, I haven't given up on God. I can never discount His presence because He is real. I don't doubt that He is real.

I've broken down about this anniversary twice this weekend, each time with different people. My therapist would say that's a healthy thing---crying in front of people and letting my feelings out---and I think I agree with her. I feel like the vulnerability of sharing this anniversary with others is healing for me. It's not something I do because I am living in the past but because this is a part of me. It always will be. It shapes an essential part of who I am and why I treat others the way that I do.

As I was speaking with my friend, she asked me where I am in the healing process and I realized I could honestly answer that divorce does not run my life. I am healing. I fight my eating disorder. I feel empathy for myself. I feel empathy for my ex-husband.

It isn't perfection. I am not great at being an ex-wife. It's hard work, friends. It really is. But it works out each and every time.

I lost myself as I was going through divorce. I lost faith in myself, love for myself, and I was not nice to myself.
As I was gaining compassion for others, I didn't leave any for myself.

I was breathing but I wasn't living. And there are still days that I don't fully live. There are still hard days where I look at the clock and two hours has gone by and I'm on the couch eating chips and watching television.

I thought I had found my eternity but I hadn't. And although there is nothing I can do about that decision that I did not make, there are still times where it really hurts, where my healing seems back at the beginning.

But I guess the way that I can tell I am healing is that I stand up for myself more now. I fight against the lies in my own head that tell me I'm not good enough. I fight for my children and my friendships and my family. I know the kind of person I want to be and I try my damndest to be her.

I am starting to remember who I was when I was a little girl, long before the world told me who I should be. I am starting to remember how much compassion and love God gave me before I even knew what compassion meant.

And I love her. I love that little girl.

I am her.

This is hard stuff. It has been an extremely emotional weekend because I'm crazy and my mind says, "Two years ago, at this particular time, you were spending time with your husband on a Friday night." "Two years ago, tomorrow, he told you he didn't love you." "Two years ago, you had no idea what was coming and you shattered."

Two years ago, I was left to tell my children why their dad wasn't home yet---and they were angry at me. They were so angry because they didn't understand.

Two years ago, they changed. They had to grow up faster than they should have and it wasn't fair.
It wasn't fair that I had to tell them alone or that they had to split their parenting time. None of it was fair.

But it happened and I am so proud to be the mama of those strong warriors who lifted me up when my world crashed. I am so proud to have seen the ugliest times and the most beautiful times with them these past two years. They have worked hard to heal and they are amazing children.

We stick together. These kids are my buddies and they always will be. My children are the most important thing in the world to me.

Two years sounds like a long time. Sometimes it feels like it's been longer and sometimes it hits me like it was yesterday.

I am proud of where we are as a family. I am proud of who I am.

Although I still struggle and life feels so scary most of the time, I am not giving up. I am not going to let the ugliness of the past two years become me---because there has been beauty too. So. Much. Beauty. So many nights where my kids are snuggled up in my bed and I wonder how God could've given me such amazing children. So many days where my children speak with love and understanding for the heartache of their friends or family members. So many times where Andersen opens my car door or rubs my back "because that is what gentlemens do for their ladies".

They are wise beyond their years and I often stare at them and wonder how they got that way---and then I realize that I am that way.
I am compassionate and loving. I am empathetic. I would find a way to help a struggling friend on the busiest days of my life.
I would.

And it is in these times of realization that I am more fully aware of the love my God has for me because I am His daughter. I am His and He won't ever leave me.

I am lovely not because of the clothes I wear or the make up on my face but for the way that I act and the person that I am on the inside.

These aren't easy things to say. They aren't things I always believe. These are certainly things my eating disorder tells me are lies.
But they are truths.

I am worthy and good and lovely.

And on this day where I painfully remember the trauma that started two years ago, I am reminded that I am a warrior and I have done so many hard things. Among the negativity, love has still won.
Love will always win.

Eight Years

 Eight years ago, I made a decision that ultimately affected my life forever.

I married my then-husband in the Mesa, Arizona temple.

 Soon we had children.

 The cutest freaking children in the entire world!

 Although marriage wasn't perfect, I felt like I was exactly where I was supposed to be, doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing.

 My whole life revolved around raising children. I was home with them all day and all night. I felt like life was what I had hoped it would be.

Eight years.

I was exactly 19.5 years old the day I got married (So happy half-birthday to me today!). I hadn't planned it that way. In fact, as my friends were dreaming of marriage, I was planning on becoming a nanny in another country or attending college in another state. I wanted to move out and have some time to grow.

But I did it exactly the way I was supposed to do it. I fell in love and got married. I was exactly the age I was supposed to be and it all fell into place.

 Life was rocky and beautiful. There was so much good.

Last year, as April 14th crept up on me, I knew I didn't want this day to be full of sadness for what could've been. I wanted it to be full of good memories and happiness. So we started a tradition of celebrating the day our family became a family.

It may look different. We might be a split family. But without April 14th, 2007, my children wouldn't be here. So today, we celebrate the choices two people made to bring those amazing little chicklets into the world.

 We celebrated today by having dinner at Texas Roadhouse and I told my children stories of my wedding day. I told them how happy we were and how amazing it was to welcome each of them into the world.

 And when they asked why it ended, we talked about how sometimes things don't go the way we planned them.

But God is always there. Even when the hardest thing we ever thought possible happens, we are never alone.

And each time they would start to get stuck on the heartache of our divorce, I would bring them back with a happy memory.

I emphasized how real those memories are. I emphasized that no matter what life is like now, back then it was how it was supposed to be. I loved their dad and he loved me. And together, we love the two of them so very, very much.

I really can't believe it's been 8 years since that sunny April day.

Sometimes I'm sad that it turned out this way but then I look at my two children and how much I've grown and all I have is a heart full of gratitude for these past 8 years.

Happy Half Birthday To ME!

 Exactly seven years ago, I was doing this.

Yes, I got married on my half birthday. I loved it that way. I loved having a reason to celebrate something really special exactly 6 months before my birthday each year.

This year, I decided I needed to focus on my half birthday and what this day can now mean to me. Because really, 26 1/2 is such a big deal.

So I ran in the Blacklight Run on Saturday.

 And my goodness, I'm still finding colored powdered in my hair after 2 showers.

 But it was worth it to be with so many of my amazing friends---and ALL of their husbands. Not awkward at all, right? Ok, it actually wasn't. They must be really amazing. Also, I'm a spaz and it looks like I'm photobombing. I promise this is really my group. :)

Then yesterday, I got an opportunity to spend 1.5 hours alone in my car while driving to Tucson to get my kids and it was perfect. I'm serious. I had so much time to think and sort through some things and pray and belt out really awesome songs.

And I wore two of my favorite pendants yesterday, each representing a very special time in my life.

The weekend was good. Today will be good. I have a good life.

The 6th Year

 Yesterday marked SIX years since I made the decision to get married.

I remember being young and in love, both of us working full time and thinking we were super poor, and living in a tiny apartment in North Mesa.

I remember celebrating our one month anniversary and wondering how it could've already been a whole month!

I remember our one year anniversary, when I was on bed rest with Petey but we snuck out to eat anyway.

I also remember the hard times, like when I miscarried our first pregnancy and Boss stayed home from work for 2 days to make sure I was ok. He carried a mattress downstairs and put it right in front of the tv so I could watch movies while in and out of sleep. I was in a funk for weeks and he stuck by my side.

The 6th year of our marriage tested us more than any other year so far. I think back to 7 months ago when most days were met with arguments from two very stubborn people. I remember thinking I was ready to throw in the towel. I remember being scared, so very scared and sad. I also remember the day we took a step in the right direction that will forever change our lives.

 One of the best days I can remember from this year was one where Boss had me laughing so hard my stomach hurt. It was that day that I realized marriage is supposed to be this happy. Boss and I had gotten used to being annoyed with each other. It was on that day that I realized I had fallen in love all over again. I could remember all of the reasons why I married him in the first place plus a million new reasons.

Though I originally looked at this year as the hardest year we've faced, it has also been the best. I couldn't be happier with the man I chose to be my forever best friend. He truly is one of a kind and I love him more than I did the day I married him.

Some of my favorite things from our 6th year of marriage:

Watching Boss be a groomsmen in his best friend's wedding. He looked so handsome and did a great job.

Redecorating/rearranging most of our house.

 Celebrating 27 years of his life together as a family.

Boss taking time with the kids by himself on weekends so I have some 'me' time.

 Attending ASU basketball games together.

Boss deciding on a new career path.

Me deciding on a new career path.

Getting new family pictures.

Starting regular date nights together.

Buying a new van.

Our trip to Carlsbad.

Boss calming me down on the phone after Petey cut her hair.

Taking a spur of the moment trip to Utah to visit some of Boss' old friends.

The very first time that Spidey 'poop painted' and I called Boss crying because I was so grossed out he left work early and cleaned it up for me.


Boss is the guy I chose to marry and looking back on the past 6 years, I don't regret my decision. He has made me happier than I ever knew possible and I know he loves me.

Here's to another trillion years!

Our Fives

Yesterday, Boss and I celebrated 5 years of marriage together. In honor of this joyous occasion, I've decided to list the top 5 reasons of why I am so lucky to be married to this awesome guy.
1. My husband holds the priesthood and honors his priesthood. If my children or I need a blessing, he is available to do it.
2. He is a handyman. If there is something broken, he will figure out a way to fix it.
3. He is a sweet daddy to our children. He plays with them in ways that I don't. He brings joy to them.
4. He sets goals for himself and sticks to them. He is a very motivated person and I'm proud of how hard he works.
5. He loves me through thick and thin. He loves me even when I yell and am "crabby wife". I'm so lucky to have him.

Last night at dinner, we asked each other to think of our favorite thing from each year of our marriage so far. I've decided to share my 5 because these have been some seriously awesome years!

2007: Our wedding was my favorite day from this year. Going through the temple was an amazing experience and choosing to stick with this guy for eternity was the best decision I've ever made.2008: We brought our first child into this world. I couldn't believe how much joy came attached with motherhood and how special this little human being was.2009: We brought our second baby into this world! Again, my heart grew and enveloped this baby in love and admiration. I cannot believe how special these babies are! I am so blessed.2010: I became a stay at home mom. This was one of the hardest and best decisions that we made as a couple. I know my children are better off and so am I because we are home together. 2011: Disneyland! Boss and our kids had never been and it was exciting to go and enjoy time as a family and also let Boss go with the guys and enjoy all the crazy rides that I wouldn't do. That was one of our favorite vacations as a family and we won't ever forget it.

I cannot believe all of the joy these past five years have brought me. I am so lucky to have such an awesome husband. Our life is not perfect but that's what makes it amazing. I really appreciate him and I especially appreciate that he loves me, faults and all. :)

And that's how Suze sees it.