Dear Women

Dear lady who judges the less active members at church,
I used to be you.
I have sat in a congregation and wondered why certain people weren't there. I have thought to myself, "If they would just pray more, read their scriptures more, etc., their testimony would be stronger and they would be here." I used to judge that they didn't have their priorities straight and that all it would take is them trying harder.

And then I became the girl who struggled going to church. I became the girl who often fought prayer at night because she didn't have the energy to recount every hard thing that had happened that day. I became the girl who was afraid to cry because she feared she wouldn't be able to stop---and prayer always brought tears.

I have learned that this isn't black and white, that my Heavenly Father understands my intentions every single night. He knows my choices and He waits patiently for when I come to Him. But He never scolds me for not showing up. He knows I am doing my best right now.

Dear mom who judges other moms for allowing their children to watch exuberant amounts of tv,
I used to be you.
Before I had children and even for a few years after having them, I made sure they didn't watch too much television. I thought moms like that were just lazy and didn't want to spend the time with their children. I vowed never to be that mom.

And then I became the mom who allowed her children to sit in front of the tv for hours on end. Although not a daily thing, on my hardest days as a single mom, I turn the television on and lay down in my bed or get homework done. I try my hardest to make the other times count, the times when the television isn't on, and I feel like for now, that's the best I can do.

I have learned that this isn't black and white, that parenting is different for everyone. There is no one right way. I have learned that parenting is hard and that no one is perfect at it. We all make mistakes...but the important thing is that we try again the next day.

Dear woman who views divorced couples as weak and selfish,
I used to be you.
There was a time when I looked down on divorced couples because of their lack of commitment. Why choose to get married and have children if you're just going to break up your family? Why not fight harder, try harder, be better?

And then I became the woman who filed for divorce. Years ago, I would've judged my choices as selfish and the thing is, maybe there is some truth to that. Maybe filing for divorce was selfish---because I was losing myself. I knew I had done everything I could do up until that point. I knew my husband wasn't coming back. I wanted relief from the pain that had been present in a lot of my marriage.

I have learned that this isn't black and white, that on the outside we might judge why a couple is getting divorced but we will never know the full story. We have not been there every second of their lives. We don't know their emotions, their pain, and their betrayal. And even to the couples who seem to get divorced when "they could've made it work", it just doesn't matter. Who are we to judge their decisions?



Life is tricky. It's messy and confusing. We have all been the judge and the judged. We all know what it feels like to wish the whole world knew our pain so they would understand why we make the choices we do.

But we aren't perfect. We all make mistakes. The best thing we can do is own our mistakes and try harder to have compassion the next time.

We may never be able to walk in someone else's shoes but we can choose to trust that they are doing the best they can with the life they're living.

I am a Child of God

 Tonight was a night of reading old blog posts.

I was reading through the posts of when our separation began and when that separation turned into a divorce.

It was hard to read because I can remember the feelings I felt as I wrote. Even on the most uplifting posts, I know how scared I was in those moments. I know how raw those feelings were.

I read through a few posts about my kids. I was reading about how it wasn't fair for them to have to share their parents and go through these trials. I was so worried about them. Their sweetness had turned to anger and sadness that seemed to last months. Some of the ways they react to situations now are things I noticed had started after their dad left.

But I think of all the ways they've grown.

They were so little back then. I felt so guilty putting my 5 and 4 year old through a divorce. It didn't matter that we were extremely amicable in front of them or that we talked positively about each other when the other wasn't around. Scratch that, it did matter. But they could still feel the changes and the stress and the anger.

I keep thinking about how much I've learned this past year. I am a different person than I was. I am a better person than I was. I am more resilient and less judgmental.

And then I think about my babies. Physically, they look so much older than they did a year ago. But they have grown much more than that. They are different. They are wiser. They are closer to their Heavenly Father.

Often times, instead of giving my kids answers to their every day challenges, I ask what they think they should do. Then I ask them what they think Jesus would do. At ages 6 and 5, they are grasping the concept that they are children of God so strongly.
Every day, as they each leave the house for school or babysitters, I tell them, "Mommy loves you. Jesus loves you. You're a child of God."
One day, as Ninja hopped out of my car for preschool and my mind was thinking about the fact that I was running late and had a busy day ahead, all I said was, "Goodbye. I love you." and a few seconds later, he poked his head back in the car and said, "I'm a child of God, mom!"
I haven't gone a day without saying it since then.

Two days ago, my little Warrior Princess came in my room and handed me a piece of paper.

As I read the words "I have worth. I am worthy of love.", I couldn't keep myself from smiling and giving her the biggest hug.

She sees that message every day of her life when she walks in my room and for some reason, those are the only two sentences on my 'whiteboard of positive messages' she reads outloud to me almost every day.

These same messages have been on my white board for 6 months now. They all apply and help me. And in turn, they help her.

I remember the first day she read "I have worth" and asked me, "Mom, what does that mean?". I got to sit on my bed and explain to my little 6 year old what true worth is and where it comes from.
I pray every night that she always remembers.

We aren't a perfect family. They are not perfect children. I am far from being a perfect mother. But I don't think perfection is the ultimate goal on earth. Perfection is something we attain when Christ makes up where we fall short.

Every day, I try to become like my Savior and every day when I fall short, He sends me reminders that I am still worthy of Him. I always will be. Whether He has to make up 10% or 80% for me, He still loves me.

I'm so proud of my children. I am proud that I am their mother and that we are together for eternity. I am proud of the choices they make and the love they show toward other people.
I love who they are. I love being able to witness who they are becoming.

Mother's Day 2014

Mother's Day 2014: I was so very much looking forward to this day because I had visions of what a single mother's day would look like. I'd have the attitude equipped to be a patient, loving, and kind mother today. I'd be grateful to be serving my two children because they are the ones who made me a mother in the first place. I'd be strong enough to handle not having a husband who spoiled me on this day.

But the thing is, the minute I got to church, I was reminded of my last mother's day and this triggered a lot of hurt feelings in me. Last year on mother's day, I begged and prayed and begged some more for my husband to come to church---maybe even just to sacrament meeting---to help with our kids. He proposed that they stay home from church with him because that was his idea of helping but I wouldn't allow it. I decided I'd rather go alone with them than have them stay home. It was a hard day. And I've had a lot of hard mother's days in my life. It just hasn't really ever been my favorite.

So I wanted today to be different. I wanted to celebrate the three of us and what motherhood means to our family.

If you're wondering, it didn't go at all how I planned. I lost my patience about three minutes into sacrament meeting. I walked out early because heaven forbid I cry in front of a room full of people (I'm not a public crier). My emotions were all over the place. But why? I wanted to reign it all back in and start over because I wanted to feel like a good mom.

But I realized something from this morning. I realized just how hard I am on myself for these days that don't go perfectly. So I tried really hard to think about the things I do that are good. I wanted to praise myself and write out a list of why I'm a good mother (which was actually a challenge I was supposed to do last month in my Power of Moms group).
So here you go:

• I am really good at being in tune to my childrens' feelings. When my children are sad or angry, I try to focus on what the problem is and helping them realize it so they can work through it.
• I love playing with my kids---except board games. I love playing hide-and-seek or tag or just jumping on my bed and feeling carefree with them.
• I have such a big soft spot for my children and I love bragging when they accomplish new things, big or small. I am their biggest advocate and cheerleader.
• I am good at capturing moments with my kids. I love taking their pictures and they love seeing their pictures. I'm obsessed with how cute my children are.
• I would do anything to give my children a good life.

It's really hard to think of the things I do as a mother that are good. I have a hard time seeing my own accomplishments but I am so grateful that my Heavenly Father is patient with me when I fall short and that He sees how much potential I have as a mother.

My life would not be complete without these two. I would do anything for them, even if that means not getting a break on mother's day. Honestly, I get enough breaks from them and I'm glad this day is all about our whole family. I love being their mother. {And seriously, Spidey's face is killing me. That boy. I love him so incredibly much.}

"Our Own Kind of Family"

 I had a post almost finished this afternoon before leaving it to go pick up some things from my sister's house.

And then things changed.

After a pretty good day, we took a turn for the worst tonight when the kids had a random melt down at the same time about the divorce. This happens on occasion but tonight was different. Both kids were crying and telling me they didn't like living at my house. They explained that they miss their dad so much and want to go live with him.
Petey said, "I don't want you to be sad so I'm just going to tell you I like living at your house instead of telling you the truth!"
Spidey called his dad and said, "I'm so sad that you and mom are not married. I want you to live all together again!"
So many more things were said and we ended our drive all in tears, all needing some time to cuddle on the couch and talk some things through. I had to explain that mom and dad weren't going to be married ever again and that we wouldn't ever be living together. The kids were heartbroken and couldn't seem to grasp that things would never be going back to the way they were. Petey cried and brought me our favorite book to read on really hard "divorce is hard" nights.
I got a giftcard to Shutterfly in January and knew I wanted to write my kids a book about our changing lives. Maybe it seems corny but this book has really helped my kids to understand all of this in a more simple way.
So here we go. You get to read my book. :) I hope you enjoy it as much as we do.

As you can see, the main point of the book is to let our kids know they will ALWAYS be loved. Always, always, always. Nothing is ever going to change that. I hope that is something I can instill in their minds so that when things feel rough, they know they are loved.

2014: Day 23

Day 23: Something that makes you feel better

So it is probably a secret to you that I haven't been dealing with life super effectively lately. And I'm serious by that. I have tried to keep it to myself because I'm sick of having my emotions be a rollercoaster. I'm hoping that this is the lowest low point and that I can soon find my way out and trust again, love myself again, and love everything about my life.

But in the meantime, while I struggle, there are many things that help me to recognize what I have and feel a little bit better but one in particular that never ceases to help me in my daily life.

I am a mother.

My children are the best part of me. I identify as a mother more than I have ever identified with something in my life. When I'm feeling down, I am reminded that they are my biggest blessing and also my biggest priority. School gets busy, filling out paper work and figuring our future out is busy, all of the extra curricular activities are busy---but my children are my priority in all of that. I'm glad that I have them and I'm even glad that they have me, even though it's hard to recognize my own worth sometimes {or a lot of the time}.

Petey is such a 'pick me up' type girl. She is really good at sensing others' feelings and she wants to help them. She reminds me of me as a kid. I was very sensitive to others feelings and wanted my friends to feel loved. She is also just like me in the fact that she craves love and attention and I am so glad I get to be there for her and give her that whenever I can.

Spidey is our jokester. Sometimes, I'll be putting myself down or feeling bad about life right now and Spidey says the WEIRDEST things. It doesn't matter what type of mood I'm in, Spidey can always make me laugh. I remember saying that about him as a baby and saying that he would be that little kid that could brighten up a room and I was right. He is exactly that. Spidey brings a lot of challenges into my life as well and I pray that I can be the mother he needs me to be.

I pray for both of my kids. I pray for anyone else who has ever felt how I feel. Feeling defeated and beat down just doesn't feel good. I know I'll bounce back. I know I can do hard things. But sometimes, hard things are harder than we expected and new challenges arise often. I take one day at a time right now and focus on the things that matter most---my family, my religion, and school.

I can do this. We can do this.

2014: Day 15

Day 15: A dream.

I have this reoccuring dream and in it, I am laughing; laughing and feeling nothing but bliss. There are no worries and there are no dangers---I'm feeling pure happiness. It isn't a dream that I have to decipher when I wake up because I know exactly why it is there.

My dream is to be happy. My goal is to be happy. And above that, I dream of happiness for my children. I want them to grow up knowing what I know and acheiving happiness amidst their trials.

Will they ever get stuck in a rut that's harder than hell to get out of? Yes! But what I hope they find is that happiness can only come from within. It is a choice. It can be achieved anytime and anywhere.

I used to complain to my parents that a sister was making me mad---I think we've all heard that phrase. One of the best things my parents did for me was teach me that no one can make me mad or sad or even happy. Those are choices I make on my own. I cringe whenever I hear myself say, "You're just making me really angry right now." or anything along that line to my children because it isn't true. They can't make me angry. And my goal is to engrain that in their minds because I believe it is what has helped me be the happy person that I am.

I want their silly little personalities to hold on to the raw happiness they have from childhood. I want them to grow up knowing that you can find happiness in any situation.

I dream of a world where everyone feels happiness, where everyone feels love and joy.

What do you dream of?

2014: Day 4

 Day 4 is all about my secondborn.

Spidey is my baby boy.

He came into our lives unexpectedly and yet, very expected and anticipated. I was so excited to have two kiddos only a year apart.

Spidey just really fit into our family from the very beginning. I hardly remember Petey being an only child. The both of them are a pair in our family and it seems like they came that way.

 Spidey has always loved dogs, even big, huge dogs. He trusts them and loves to play with them. It was surprising when he started this at a young age because his sister would have a panick attack if the tiniest dog was loose at the park---I'm talking, teeny, tiny dogs. But Spidey has always loved them.

 Spidey is my cuddler. Back then and now, he is a cuddle bug with his mommy. If he has his blankey, he will crawl up on my lap, stick his finger in his mouth, and nestle up close to me and stay there for long periods of time. I soak it in now because I'm sad his baby years went so quickly.

 Spidey is also our "sicky". He has been on more breathing treatments in his life than the rest of us combined. He gets sick more easily than the rest of us. And yet, now that he's older, even he isn't sick often. Moreso as a baby, he would easily catch things that were going around.

 This boy has given me more mini heart attacks in his lifetime than I thought possible. Before he learned how to walk, he learned how to climb on my kitchen table. He has always been a climber.

 Spidey has the best smile. I'm serious. His goofy and quirky and I love it. Sometimes it changes but it is always adorable.

 Spidey was born a pound bigger than his sister but two inches longer so he looked a ton skinnier than her as a baby.

 He quickly made up for that with his eating habits and was the only chubby baby I've ever had so far. :) I love looking at pictures of him being chunky because it only lasted probably half a year before he was miniature like his sister. I think he weighs almost the same as this picture now. ;)

 Spidey was the best baby ever. And when I say that, I'm not exagerating. He only cried when he actually needed something.

 He has always had a happy disposition. He was a ridiculously good eater and probably eats the same amount of food now as he did at 6 months old because he's now so picky.

 Our favorite picture of Spidey. Spidey was 9 months old here and still a chunky kiddo. I was so excited when his hair started to grow in red. Everyone told me red heads were 'firecrackers' and I had a hard time imagining my Spidey being anything but sweet and calm.

I now know what they were talking about.

 Spidey is such a stud. Everyone who meets him loves him. He says the funniest things and has a big imagination.

He is my favorite boy. I love the good and the hard that he brings into my life. He teaches me patience and also how to let loose and have fun. Spidey is so many things but most importantly, Spidey is mine for eternity. I love him so much and am so glad he is a part of my life.

2014: Day 2

 My Firstborn:
{Sorry, I'm already a date late on Day 2. I started writing this yesterday but then I got a migraine and couldn't go near the computer screen.}

Becoming a mom was something I always knew I wanted to do. There was no if, only a when. So when I saw that positive pregnancy test 4 short weeks after getting married, I could hardly contain my excitement. And then 8 weeks after that, I was devastated when I miscarried.

We found out we were pregnant the second time around about 5 months after we got married. This time, the excitement was at a minimum because I was scared.

On New Year's Eve SIX years ago, we had an ultrasound confirming what I already knew---we were having a baby girl. She was the first granddaughter on my side of the family and we were all excited.

On April 1st of 2008, I was put on bedrest for pre-eclampsia. I was only 30 weeks pregnant and was worried about this fiesty little girl coming early.

Six weeks after that, she was born. Only 5 pounds even. I hold babies that are bigger than that and can't even fathom that she was ever that tiny.

Petey is my best friend. Ever since she was tiny, I have loved dolling her up. I started making her bows when she was 6 months old and started making necklaces when she was 3.

 Petey is very trusting and we are really close. I know how to handle her personality because it is a lot like mine.

 Petey was born a firecracker. She spent the majority of her first 9 months crying. She walked at 13 months and started talking really early. She's always been very bright and grasps things really quickly.

 Petey has always loved to dance. She took her first dance class at age 3 and is now on a dance team at age 5 1/2. She loves when it's a "dance day". She practices at home constantly. In the past few months she has taught herself front limbers, back bends, tummy rolls, among many other things. Of course, she learns the basics of these in class but she will come home and make sure she learns them and practices on her own.

 Petey is also really goofy. She can make me laugh so hard sometimes.

 She is really helpful and loves to cook. Grandma has made bread with her many times and Petey soaks it all in and loves that special time with her Grandma.

 You already know this but Petey has piercing blue eyes. They are bluer than any other eyes I've ever seen. They fit her perfectly. She has always had a clear and powerful disposition. She is caring and kind. She loves everyone.

 On the other hand, she is nuts. :) She is so crazy sometimes and makes the funniest faces.

 She's been obsessed with make up since birth. She used to get into my lipstick all of the time!

 Petey has always been miniature. :) We are used to it now but it was so weird when she was little and her cousin started becoming her same size. He's 18 months younger and now he's a little bigger than her. We just make 'em tiny around here.

 Petey has always been an extremely good helper to me. She helps me cook, clean, and take care of her little brother.
Last night, I had a migraine and threw up twice. I was in bed at 8:30 and my kids were up playing. I called Petey in and told her I was sick and her reaction was, "What can I do to help you, mom?" I asked her to get her brother all ready for bed and go to bed. Next thing I knew, it was 1am and my headache was gone so I got up to make sure the kids had made it to bed safely. I walked into Spidey's room and there they were, dressed in pajamas, snuggling up next to each other and sleeping. I'm so proud of my big helper.

 Petey wears her heart on her sleeve. It's one of the reasons it has been hard to watch her through the last few months of trials. She cries more often, is angry more often, but is also more loving than ever before. Her emotions are tripled right now and I hope I'm able to help her through her hard times.

I could go on and on about this sweet girl. She is amazing. Sometimes, I just can't even believe that I really get to be her mom forever and ever. I feel extremely lucky because she teaches me every day. She is my best friend and I love her so much.

2014: Day 1

Happy New Year! It is officially January 1st, 2014.

2014 has a lot of meaning to me. It is a year of new beginnings. It is my first year being single in almost 8 years. There are a lot of fears that come with this new year.

So many words have been swirling through my head this past month. I chose faith as my word for 2013 and it ended up being the perfect word. I was almost tempted to choose it again but I decided to start with something new.

2013 was one of the most challenging and blessed years I have ever experienced.
It was the year I chose faith over fear and made some really hard decisions.
It was the year I overcame some of my biggest obstacles.
It was the year I saw a counselor probably 42 out of 52 weeks---and I couldn't be more grateful for that.
It was the year I learned how to really serve.
It was the year I was strong enough to handle 5 family pregnancy announcements and learn how to be happy for others, even when I was silently aching.
It was the year my firstborn started kindergarten!
It was also the year she started dance team.
It was the year both of my children learned how to ride two wheeler bikes.
It was the year I completed my first semester back to school---successfully!

And yes, it was the year we filed for divorce. But that's ok because I have faith. We are both respectful people and I'm lucky to be in the current situation that I'm in. I know that's hard for people who aren't me to understand but just know that we know we are blessed no matter what.

My goal for January of 2014 is to follow a 30-day writing challenge. Today's challenge was just to introduce myself. So if you are a new reader or if you just want to learn some new things about me I'll try to put some unique stats in here for you all to enjoy.

You probably know the first and foremost thing I would do when introducing myself---

---I am a mother of two. In 2014, my kids will be 6 and 5 and that just scares the living daylights outta me!

I was a dancer in my growing up years. I also played basketball as a kid---you know, until they realized I was too short. {Just kidding}
In high school, I did many different things including color guard, winterguard, dance team, concert choir, jazz choir, and I even took ice skating lessons for a little while.

I played the flute in elementary school and junior high and I took piano and voice lessons for years.

I graduated in 2006, got married in 2007, had Petey in 2008, had Spidey in 2009, was diagnosed with infertility in 2011, and we separated in 2013. Seriously. It has been a whirlwind of years since my graduation from high school. But at least it looks like we're moving on to big changes every two years instead of every year, right?

I am LDS. You'll hear more about that on one of my other writing days.

I am currently in school to become a marriage and family therapist and I am fearful and excited for the years ahead of me.

I've lived in 3 different places my entire life---all within 15 minutes of each other. The first was my house growing up, the second was the apartment we lived in for 10 months after getting married, and the third is the house I currently live in and we've now lived here for 6 years {minus two months}. Can you see how much I'm not a fan of change? Maybe someday I'll be more adventurous and move 30 minutes away. ;)

I have ten thousand sarcastic bones in my body.

And I also love to make others laugh---with me, not at me.


Ok, so have you heard enough? I think that's about all I have for today.

Wait, what? You are wondering what my 2014 word is? Oh yeah---I forgot.


2014 is definitely a year of new beginnings. It is a year I find myself again and reclaim a separate identity from married life, from mommy life, etc. It is the year I learn to be brave.

Bravery might seem like one of my strengths because it's easier to be brave when I'm surrounded by people that buoy me up. But I want to learn bravery on a whole new level this year.

I want to be brave enough to push forward in school.
I want to be brave enough to be alone.
I want to be brave enough to push past my comfort zone.
I want to be brave enough to share my testimony.
I want to be brave enough to serve in any situation.

So this year, I will focus on being brave.

Here's to 2014. I pray this year is full of miracles, happiness, and strength for all of you.

The Loss of Tradition

 How is it that every time I'm struggling---every dang time---I always seem to hear/read/feel what I need to hear/read/feel?
Tonight was no exception.
I was feeling sorry for myself. Feeling sorry that for five days this month, my children won't be in my home. And I'm not talking five days total---I'm talking five days in a row.
And do you know what two of those days are? Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

I'm going to miss these happy faces and squeals of excitement as they open gifts from Santa.

 I'm going to miss seeing them in their new Christmas pajamas.

I'm going to miss too much. And then in 2 years, I'm going to miss it all again.

It's realizations like this that seem unfair. How? Why? When? I ask myself how I got here, why I got here, when I got here.

My children are my life. I'm serious. You can ask anybody. And I don't care one bit if you think that is healthy or not. I wouldn't trade them for anything. I eat, sleep, and breathe motherhood. I take short breaks from it when I'm in school but the whole time, I'm thinking about my kids. I stare at pictures of them when they're not here. I think about their past, their present, and their future and I'm constantly worried about whether I'm doing this parenting thing right.

So tonight, I was struggling. There is so much to be learned with this new life and most of it, I just don't like.
I was perusing one of my new favorite blogs when I came across this post. It couldn't have been more perfect.
Breaking tradition. Not having the traditional family. I have to get used to living with these things. I need to find ways to be happy and have a life of my own.
But I don't want to. I want my children to engulf my life. I want to hide behind their greatness. I want them to be my one and only life.
Unfortunately I have no choice anymore. I am breaking traditions and I'm going to successfully pick myself back up and walk once again.
I'm strong. I know it. I feel it. I may not want to be strong but I am.
I can do hard things.

Christmas is going to be extremely hard. I have to decide where to go, what to do, NOT to sign in to Facebook, etc. I have to decide whether I want to be happy or miserable on my own this Christmas.
But I can do this.

I can do hard things.