Kindergarten: Round Two

 If there's one thing I've learned it's that divorce has made me a more protective mother.

Because I was there in the middle of the night, stroking the hair of a crying child who missed their dad. I was there when the confidence level shifted and there was worrying about stability and abandonment.

I watched it all.

And I have to tell you, over these past few years, my children have been some of the most incredible warriors I've ever seen. They've taught me so much about bravery.
I mean, I'm the adult and I haven't handled the past few years as eloquently as I could have but these kids? They've been amazing, all things considered.

Tonight I want to focus on my little man. I've had thoughts of this post in my head for about a month now but I wasn't sure if I could explain it or get through it without crying or breaking down---because my little man is so amazing. So so amazing.

From the time he was young, I knew he was sent here for a reason. I know, I know, we could each say that about each individual child but there was something different when Ninja was born.

I was protective of this boy. I remembering breaking down when he was a week old because we had visitors over and I hadn't held my boy in over 20 minutes. As I cried and the visitor kindly handed him back, I kept thinking, "What the heck is wrong with me? How could I miss a baby that was sitting right next to me in someone else's arms?"

I seriously thought I was crazy.

It's a little funny to me that I am so attached to this boy. He gives me a run for my money. He was our poop painter, our permanent marker wall artist, and he has a hard time not getting too aggressive with other kids when he's playing.
His listening skills aren't great---they're almost non-existent---but we've always been close.

When his dad left, I was so scared for this kid. I was afraid of what divorce would do to his little heart. He was only 3 when we separated.

And over the past two years, I've watched some significant changes in him and some of them have been messy.

I was scared about Kindergarten. I was seriously so so so so scared. I don't want my son to be labeled a 'problem' because he can't sit still or because sometimes he still has daytime accidents. I was worried about him because he isn't a big fan of academic work and he would much rather watch tv or play video games---both of which I try to limit in our home.

Leading up to the first day of Kindergarten, I was worried about whether his teacher would care about him and be able to help him in the best possible way---and I wasn't sure.
I wasn't sure because I don't believe anyone can be the kind of mother that I am for Ninja.

Sidenote: The irony?

Many times over the past year, I have argued with my therapist that I'm not an outstanding mother and that many women could do a better job than me. Each and every time, she would shake her head and disagree---firmly. And leading up to the start of Kindergarten, somehow I can see it now.

I can see how I am the best mother for this boy. It isn't a perfect job but it is what Ninja needs from me right now.


I was still worried on the first day of school. He looked so adorable and our morning was so positive so I made sure to keep my worries to myself so they wouldn't show. As I dropped him off, I felt ok about leaving him with his teacher and I smiled as I got in my car and started my drive to work.

But when I got on the freeway, I was a mess. Tears started to stream down my face and I realized these tears weren't about my fears for Kindergarten but somehow, I hadn't even thought about the fact that it is HARD to accept that my BABY is in school full day.

Because in my perfect world, I would be a stay-at-home mom right now with two or three more children running around this house. In a perfect world, I didn't plan on Ninja being my baby and I certainly didn't plan on ALL of my children being in school full time this soon.

I called my mom and she talked to me the whole way to work. I'm grateful she answered her phone that morning because I needed her to tell me this is all going to be ok.

You'd think this was the end, that our "Starting Kindergarten" story is over but it isn't quite wrapped up yet.

I had picked Ninja's particular school for two reasons: the full day schedule and the curriculum. The bus came and picked him up right at our neighborhood school and it seemed perfect.

And it was perfect---until he got home from school at 4:30 on the first day. Or when he got home at 4:45 on the fourth day.

I started to panic a few days ago when I realized this schedule wasn't working. I didn't want him gone so late and he wasn't doing well in the evenings after sitting on a hot bus for an hour after school every day.

So yesterday, I made the decision to switch him over to our neighborhood school. I called them, set it all up, and went in to sign him up this morning.

He even went with me to take a peek at his new-new school.

I am hoping that tomorrow goes well and that Ninja has another great first day of Kindergarten.
He is excited and I can tell he's a little nervous but I feel so much peace when I think about him being so much closer to me and to our home.

I'm still worried---I don't think that'll ever end---but at least I feel much more at ease.

Parenting is hard. Parenting school-aged children is hard. Parenting children of divorce seems extra hard. But we can do hard things.

In fact, we do hard things. Every single day.

I'm proud of this brave warrior that I get to call my son. He is so special and I feel so lucky to be able to raise him and watch him grow.

I am a Child of God

 Tonight was a night of reading old blog posts.

I was reading through the posts of when our separation began and when that separation turned into a divorce.

It was hard to read because I can remember the feelings I felt as I wrote. Even on the most uplifting posts, I know how scared I was in those moments. I know how raw those feelings were.

I read through a few posts about my kids. I was reading about how it wasn't fair for them to have to share their parents and go through these trials. I was so worried about them. Their sweetness had turned to anger and sadness that seemed to last months. Some of the ways they react to situations now are things I noticed had started after their dad left.

But I think of all the ways they've grown.

They were so little back then. I felt so guilty putting my 5 and 4 year old through a divorce. It didn't matter that we were extremely amicable in front of them or that we talked positively about each other when the other wasn't around. Scratch that, it did matter. But they could still feel the changes and the stress and the anger.

I keep thinking about how much I've learned this past year. I am a different person than I was. I am a better person than I was. I am more resilient and less judgmental.

And then I think about my babies. Physically, they look so much older than they did a year ago. But they have grown much more than that. They are different. They are wiser. They are closer to their Heavenly Father.

Often times, instead of giving my kids answers to their every day challenges, I ask what they think they should do. Then I ask them what they think Jesus would do. At ages 6 and 5, they are grasping the concept that they are children of God so strongly.
Every day, as they each leave the house for school or babysitters, I tell them, "Mommy loves you. Jesus loves you. You're a child of God."
One day, as Ninja hopped out of my car for preschool and my mind was thinking about the fact that I was running late and had a busy day ahead, all I said was, "Goodbye. I love you." and a few seconds later, he poked his head back in the car and said, "I'm a child of God, mom!"
I haven't gone a day without saying it since then.

Two days ago, my little Warrior Princess came in my room and handed me a piece of paper.

As I read the words "I have worth. I am worthy of love.", I couldn't keep myself from smiling and giving her the biggest hug.

She sees that message every day of her life when she walks in my room and for some reason, those are the only two sentences on my 'whiteboard of positive messages' she reads outloud to me almost every day.

These same messages have been on my white board for 6 months now. They all apply and help me. And in turn, they help her.

I remember the first day she read "I have worth" and asked me, "Mom, what does that mean?". I got to sit on my bed and explain to my little 6 year old what true worth is and where it comes from.
I pray every night that she always remembers.

We aren't a perfect family. They are not perfect children. I am far from being a perfect mother. But I don't think perfection is the ultimate goal on earth. Perfection is something we attain when Christ makes up where we fall short.

Every day, I try to become like my Savior and every day when I fall short, He sends me reminders that I am still worthy of Him. I always will be. Whether He has to make up 10% or 80% for me, He still loves me.

I'm so proud of my children. I am proud that I am their mother and that we are together for eternity. I am proud of the choices they make and the love they show toward other people.
I love who they are. I love being able to witness who they are becoming.

About A Boy

 I feel kind of bad that I slacked on the birthday posts this year. I'm usually blogging about my kids' bithdays the day after it happens because I'm so darn excited to talk about how special they are.

But work...and school...and being a single mom...and getting sick...you know, life happens!

So my Ninja boy turned FIVE! Have I mentioned he's my BABY?! And he's FIVE?!

It's true...

{Also I never mentioned I changed my kids' names on the blog. But I did. I let them pick because this is a blog about bravery and strength and my kids emulate that every day of their lives. So Spidey's name is now Ninja.}

Ninja is my favorite boy in the whole entire world.

He learned to crawl at 6 months old but refused to walk until he was 14 months old.

 He was born a climber. He could climb on my kitchen table at 9 months old. Hello, heart attacks!

 Ninja was a tiny baby. He was full term but weighed only 6 lbs 6 oz.

 That "small" thing changed quickly. At 2 months, he was over 12 pounds and by 6 months, he was close to 20 pounds. He was the squishiest baby and I loved to squeeze his arms and legs.

Around age 2, his chub turned back into teeny tiny and he's stayed there ever since. At his four year doctor's appointment, he was in the 4% for height and 6% for weight but this year, at his FIVE year check up, he went up to the 8% in height and 20% for weight. A small victory for a small boy. :)

Ninja is "the baby" and I guess I'm realizing I did that to him. He is my snuggly boy and I've let him get away with acting younger than he is. It's a HARD habit to kick but we are working on teaching him he is capable of chores and big boy talking and all that jazz.

 Ninja is a momma's boy. I love it. Lots of people told me I would LOVE having a boy because he would be a momma's boy but I didn't quite get it until he was born...and then I've loved every second of it. He has such a sweet heart and is so good at showing me he loves me.

 This FIVE year old is so quirky. His red hair and freckles are perfect for him because he is so silly and he love to be the center of attention.

He is a firecracker and often says the most random things.

 At FIVE years old, Ninja can write the first letter of his 8-letter name, he loves drawing pictures but usually they're scribbles, and he loves loves loves video games and Netflix.

Ninja is really intelligent and he learns things really well but if he doesn't want to learn it, he just won't do it. He likes to tell people, "I am in charge of me." and that is so true! It's something I've taught him over and over again. But he kinda uses that sentence to his advantage when he doesn't want to do things. {Sneaky boy...}

My ninja boy really thinks he's a ninja. That's why he picked that name. He is often found karate chopping the air or run at "super speed" around the house. Active is kind of an understatement when describing this boy. He is FULL of energy.

We had a great birthday for Ninja this year. It was so much fun going to Castles N Coasters and spending the day doing things he wanted to do. I look back on the past FIVE years with this boy and I can't imagine life without him. He has been such a blessing for me. He has snuggled up to me on my hardest days and made me laugh when I needed to laugh.

I am the luckiest mom in the world to have this little guy in my life.

Build A Bear Awesomeness

In May, Petey made a new friend. I had been trying to get her together with my friend's little girl because it would work out perfectly---I would have my friend, Petey would have her friend, and Spidey had already made best friends with their dog, Rico (true story).

So school was out and these girlies started playing together. One day, Petey noticed her friend had THE COOLEST My Little Pony stuffed animal and she asked where her friend had gotten it.

The answer?

Build-a-Bear.

Of course, for days, Petey was at my heels, begging me for one, telling me she needed one. She just had to have that MLP Build-a-Bear or she would die!!!

But I had no intentions of paying for the overpriced stuffed animal because 1) I'm cheap and 2) we have SO MANY stuffed animals. So I told Petey she was welcome to do chores to earn money for her Build-a-Bear trip.

And my goodness, was she determined! She earned a quarter a chore and after 6 weeks, she had around $12. It was kind of depressing. She would ask me all of the time if she had earned enough money and I kept having to tell her she hadn't. So I decided when she did bigger chores, she'd earn a little bit more.

During this time, Spidey had decided he wanted in the action so he would do chores every once in a while. But Spidey doesn't like chores as much as Petey so he hardly earned any money. I think he ended up with $7 after that 6 weeks.

Fast forward to two weeks ago, Petey kept asking when she was going to have enough money because it was taking FOREVER. I decided I'd give the kids the option of selling some of their toys to earn the rest of the money. And wow, Spidey started throwing all kinds of toys in his bag and within the week, he had more than earned his money for a Build-a-Bear.

It was great and exciting for him except Petey had been doing so many chores and working hard and now she was the one with less money. The reason being that almost ALL of her toys are things she just got for her bithday and she isn't ready to part with them yet.

But alas, she did sell a few toys and then the kids decided to sell one of their big toys and split the money and all of a sudden, we were there! They had done it!

So today, we headed over to Build-a-Bear!

We walked in the store and Petey already new her heart was set on Pinky Pie. She also had enough money for a simple bear so she chose a white one and got it a cheerleader outfit.

But my favorite part of the trip was when Spidey marched over to the bins and grabbed Rainbow Dash out and exclaimed that he had found his favorite one.

*Cue the giggles and squeals from both kids...seriously, SO MUCH excitement for their hard earned reward*

After stuffing the ponies and Petey's bear, Spidey and I were waiting while Petey picked out her bear's clothing and a little boy walked over and said, "Why are you getting a girl pony? That is just for girls. That's weird." and Spidey looked at him with confidence and said, "Uhh, Rainbow Dash is the fastest and the coolest. She isn't just for girls." He wasn't even phased by the question because he knows for sure that Rainbow Dash rocks. It made me smile.

I like it when my kids are confident. Because what the heck is the difference between my son liking Rainbow Dash and my daughter liking the color blue?

I'm all for teaching my kids about the awesome things about their specific gender. I am not pushing them one way or another. But I'm also ok with my son liking the same things his sister likes or vice versa. I just hope they're always confident and happy with their decisions.

And on that exciting note, enjoy this picture of my adorable children with their hard earned stuffed friends.

THEY ARE SO HAPPY!!!

PS: I guess I should also mention that the little boy's mom handled the situation quite awesomely and Spidey was quickly being apologized to...although he was a bit confused because he just didn't understand why someone was making fun of him for picking out the COOLEST THING IN THE STORE. Seriously, my boy rocks.

God Loves Me: Lessons from a 4 year old

 I find it appropriate that this post came to mind on a night where I am snuggling up next to my favorite little boy while his sister spends the night at her grandparents.

Spidey and I have always had a special connection. From the time he was a baby, I would wear him around the house in the sling or moby wrap and he would stare at me with his perfect hazel eyes. I always had this strong feeling that he was going to help me in some significant way, I just didn't think it would start at such a young age.

 My eating disorder started to take over when the divorce became reality. I was done. I couldn't handle life. I couldn't handle the fact that I was overweight and worthless and that he probably left me because I was no longer good enough for him.

I was trying to hold on and fight for my children. I had been doing well for eight whole years and I was scared that I was breaking. How could this be happening? How selfish am I that I couldn't fight hard enough for my kids?
I blamed myself and shamed myself every day. I believed I was stupid for not taking care of myself when I should've had my focus on the aching hearts of my children. Why was I so selfish?!

I was struggling in school and struggling with friendships. I needed help but I was pushing people away because I no longer felt worthy of the friends who had been there from day one. Honestly I felt worthy of no one.

Once I found out about the pornography addiction, I broke. I couldn't hold on any longer. I was done. My counselor had seen that things were getting worse and we had talked about how I might need an eating disorder therapist but I hate change and I had learned to trust her. I didn't want to leave. Cancelling my final session with her was an extremely hard thing for me to do. I sent that text as quick as I could before I could back out of it.

And when I say I broke, I'm telling you, I completely broke. My final breaking point will be left detail-less on this blog because it is too hard for me to re-live but I knew I needed to heal.

The night of my eating-disorder-hell-wake-up-call, I was texting a friend and I was struggling to believe God loved me or that anyone loved me. I was trying to put groceries away and right then and there, I fell to the floor and started sobbing uncontrollably. I felt so alone and broken and scared.

I was laying on my cold tile floor when I saw a little red headed boy peek his head around the corner. It was late so I was surprised to see him there. And as soon as I noticed, he was gone. I figured he had gone back to bed and I was in no condition to pick myself up yet so I layed there and continued to cry.

But without another second to think, that little red head came back around the corner, this time with two pillows and a blanket. He lifted my head up and placed a pillow underneath and then he layed down beside me and pulled the blanket over both of us. And he said to me, "Mom, I'm just going to lay here with you until you feel better." and we layed there and I cried and he wrapped his arm around my neck.
A four year old boy was prompted to do what God knew I needed that night. A tiny four year old boy.

 I felt God's love that night. I felt His presence and I trusted that He would be able to help me overcome this trial in my life.
I can do this with Him. I can do it with the people He has placed in my life to give me strength.

It was the most beautiful ending to one of the worst days I have ever experienced.

I think back on that experience and I am in awe of all the things my son has taught me in his four and a half years on earth. He taught me an extremely important lesson that night, a lesson that has helped me continue to fight and recover and beat the crap out of the nasty lies in my head that tell me I'm not good enough.

I have learned that I will always have an eating disorder. But I am a fighter and I am strong enough to challenge the lies in my head and recognize them as lies.

I am so thankful that I can look back on some of my darkest days and compare them to where I am now and realize I have done this. I have fought to get here and be this new person and have the courage to continue on with my life and make it a beautiful life.

Spidey will always be my baby boy. Always. And I will never forget the time he reminded me just how much God loves me.

2014: Day 4

 Day 4 is all about my secondborn.

Spidey is my baby boy.

He came into our lives unexpectedly and yet, very expected and anticipated. I was so excited to have two kiddos only a year apart.

Spidey just really fit into our family from the very beginning. I hardly remember Petey being an only child. The both of them are a pair in our family and it seems like they came that way.

 Spidey has always loved dogs, even big, huge dogs. He trusts them and loves to play with them. It was surprising when he started this at a young age because his sister would have a panick attack if the tiniest dog was loose at the park---I'm talking, teeny, tiny dogs. But Spidey has always loved them.

 Spidey is my cuddler. Back then and now, he is a cuddle bug with his mommy. If he has his blankey, he will crawl up on my lap, stick his finger in his mouth, and nestle up close to me and stay there for long periods of time. I soak it in now because I'm sad his baby years went so quickly.

 Spidey is also our "sicky". He has been on more breathing treatments in his life than the rest of us combined. He gets sick more easily than the rest of us. And yet, now that he's older, even he isn't sick often. Moreso as a baby, he would easily catch things that were going around.

 This boy has given me more mini heart attacks in his lifetime than I thought possible. Before he learned how to walk, he learned how to climb on my kitchen table. He has always been a climber.

 Spidey has the best smile. I'm serious. His goofy and quirky and I love it. Sometimes it changes but it is always adorable.

 Spidey was born a pound bigger than his sister but two inches longer so he looked a ton skinnier than her as a baby.

 He quickly made up for that with his eating habits and was the only chubby baby I've ever had so far. :) I love looking at pictures of him being chunky because it only lasted probably half a year before he was miniature like his sister. I think he weighs almost the same as this picture now. ;)

 Spidey was the best baby ever. And when I say that, I'm not exagerating. He only cried when he actually needed something.

 He has always had a happy disposition. He was a ridiculously good eater and probably eats the same amount of food now as he did at 6 months old because he's now so picky.

 Our favorite picture of Spidey. Spidey was 9 months old here and still a chunky kiddo. I was so excited when his hair started to grow in red. Everyone told me red heads were 'firecrackers' and I had a hard time imagining my Spidey being anything but sweet and calm.

I now know what they were talking about.

 Spidey is such a stud. Everyone who meets him loves him. He says the funniest things and has a big imagination.

He is my favorite boy. I love the good and the hard that he brings into my life. He teaches me patience and also how to let loose and have fun. Spidey is so many things but most importantly, Spidey is mine for eternity. I love him so much and am so glad he is a part of my life.

Little of This, Little of That

 I have been itching to blog for weeks and weeks but I never seem to muster up enough energy after the housework, the homework, babysitting, raising my children, and trying to just stay sane. I did, however, get a short post up the other day before my computer died on account of me forgetting to take the cord to my parents' house.

Anyway, I'm back. The internet is working again at my house and I'm ready to catch you up on some of the things we've been up to. I'll try not to make this post to mushy-gushy but that's really how I've been feeling lately. I'm either crying from happiness or crying from pain but either way, there are a lot of tears flowing around here.

Saturday was a super special day for me. Last minute, I got invited to do the ROC (Ridiculous Obstacle Course) race with some of my favorite friends. We had one man and six women running in our group and since we found the most awesome dalmation outfit for the guy, we all dressed up as black cats. At first, it sounded a bit boring to me but after seeing almost EVERYONE in tutus and crazy knee socks, I knew we were the ones standing out.

The only picture I took was this one...while I was driving on the freeway. Don't worry, I didn't look while I was taking the picture so this is what I got. Rebecca applying black whiskers to Jamie's face while Dawn smiles and Lacey looks like she's ready to beat someone up. Hope it wasn't me! ;)

The "race" was really fun but not really much of a race...definitely my kind of race. =D If you've ever seen Wipeout, just imagine some of those crazy obstacle courses and you'll have an idea of the things we did. It was so much fun! I hope I can go again next year and every year after that!

School is going great right now. I am ready to sign up for next semester and am trying out a completely new schedule to see if I like it better than night classes. I have one online class that ends in 3 weeks and the rest of my classes end in 5 weeks. My grades have stayed up and I'm loving the learning and social aspects of school. Only 11 more semesters until I can be a fully practicing marriage and family therapist. Ha!

 Both Spidey and Hayley were given balance bikes a month or so ago and have been doing great learning how to ride two-wheelers. Petey insists that she is going to ask Santa for a bigger bike but that she doesn't want it if it comes with training wheels. I told her she needs to practice a ton before Christmas then because I won't let Santa bring her something that is just going to sit there forever. I'm such a nice mom...

 Mr. Dec loved having his mom push him around on Spidey's balance bike. Isn't he the cutest little boy in the world? I mean, besides my Spidey, of course.

 We had one super fun, CrAzY weekend where I watched all FOUR of my friend's children and I was also babysitting my little sister. I took 7 kids to 8am church by myself and we were still on time...barely. The kids had a blast all weekend playing together and having sleepovers.

 My goodness, my friend makes adorable children!

 Also while I was watching those 7 kids, our ward had it's annual fall festival and I braved it with all of the kids. I could not leave without a picture of Leyla's son. Seriously, isn't his costume awesome?

 Baby love!!! Aww, Dec and his little buddy from church.

I found ways to keep the Halloween spirit in Petey's uniforms. Those awesome necklaces I make {and sell} sure do come in handy when I feel like dressing that girly up!

A couple of things not pictured that have happened lately:

-I signed Spidey up for a hip hop class with Petey's old teacher, JaNae, and he loves it! He actually performed with his group at a trunk or treat and was such a cute little stud! He had been asking to dance like his big sister so I decided to give it a try!

-Petey performed at the state fair and was a rockstar! Seriously, we barely made it in time for her performance and she still rocked it out on stage. She has improved immensely since the beginning of this dance year and I'm so proud of all of her hard work.

-Petey also learned how to do a back walkover by herself at home one day. I was in AWE. My 5 year old is doing tricks I was finally brave enough to teach myself at 8 or 9. She is amazing.

-I hope I posted about Spidey turning 4 but if not, Spidey turned 4 this past month. I can hardly believe it. Who told him he was allowed to grow up?

-I was sick for almost 3 weeks straight in October! It was absolutely miserable. It started with a persistent cough that turned into an ear infection {the worst ear pain I have EVER felt} and made it's way into a sinus infection after that. Of course, two of my friends had babies during that time and it's been killing me that I couldn't hold their newborns! Sunday was my first day of feeling almost completely back to normal and I got to hold the sweetest little baby girl at church! Yay! I plan to sneak attack the other friend soon and steal her baby for some cuddles. I am so in love with new babies!

It has been a whirlwind of a month and I'm excited for the holidays to really kick into full gear. As hard as this year is/has been, I plan to make the best of it because I've been given so so so SO so so much!

The Babes Turns 4!

 My BABY turned 4 this past Monday. I can't believe it. He is not supposed to grow up so fast.

Lucky for him, he got to have his first 'friend' birthday party this year. He decided he wanted a superhero party but he wanted it at the zoo. Done and done!

My sister was an awesome helper and drove half of the kids in her van and I took the other half.

 Petey was so excited that I found a girl Spiderman costume that I had bought last year after Halloween for $1.

 The kids decided instead of walking around that they wanted to ride the train so they'd have the opportunity to see more animals in the amount of time we had.

 Then we met up with my mom and my nephews for cupcakes and presents.

 Doesn't that blue face look adorable!?

 Present opening time was a favorite for my boy.

 He was spoiled with toys beyond toys.

 After the party, we headed to Famous Dave's because the birthday boy gets a free meal AND free ice cream sundae.

 Then we drove to Toys'R'Us to use his gift card and get his birthday crown.

 Last but certainly not least, we had dinner at my parents' house and we sang happy birthday to Spidey and my little niece.

What a wonderful day for a wonderful little boy! My Spidey lights up my life!!! He is so active and yet so sweet. I love that little boy so incredibly much and am so grateful that he'll always be mine.