Friends

Tonight, I miss my husband. Oh, he is right in the other room but I miss him still. Avatar is not my #1 choice of movies, hence the reason I resort to blogging time (instead of sleeping time). He has been at a bachelor party all night...and as he was gone, I was thinking back to the last time I attended a bachelorette party...I think it is safe to say it was my own (maybe my sister's). Sad...

I know, I know this sounds so "pity party" of me but in all seriousness, having a family changes everything. I love my family. But there are days I just want to call up a friend and say, "You wanna hang out?" and be there 10 minutes later...like I did when I was 10.

I think I even missed my best friend's bachelorette party (kinda how I missed her wedding AND being her bridesmaid)...thanks, bedrest! My beautiful baby girl was born exactly a week after her wedding...one month early...hence the bedrest and missing one of the most important days of her life.

Facebook seems to keep me 'connected' with oh so many friends but do I ever see them? "Best friends" from high school whom I now realize were selfish and always lying or talking behind my back (oh yes, I had many of these types of friends...maybe it's the reason I'm friendless now). I regret high school A LOT, even now 4 years later! I regret choosing the friends I did, ignoring the great people who tried to befriend me and ending up with almost none in the end. I am so grateful that my best friend sticks by me but she lives in a different state! I thought church would provide many new friendships but not many of them do I actually associate with outside of church (seems those friendships were made long before we moved into the ward). I'm just at a loss.

How is it that my husband kept so many friends and I ended up with close to none? What did I do wrong?

I'm slightly confused tonight, slightly sad, very grateful for my family, and very tired..

And that's how Suze sees it.

Squeeze them a little tigher...

Today as I pulled into the parking lot at work, a suddenly remembered that tomorrow is a holiday (since the actual holiday is during the weekend)! You wouldn't believe it if you saw but I started to cry. It was a very happy, emotional cry (thank goodness I am at work 30 minutes before anyone else). I felt like a weight was being lifted for the week. A small weight but nevertheless, a weight. You see, between my work schedule, my husband's work/school schedules, and the kiddos sleep schedules we dont see each other much during the week. It has been so hard giving up my husband and only seeing him for a maybe 30 minutes before we both pass out after our exhausting days. It's hard having to miss the kids all day and I ache---literally ache---to be with them. It's a feeling I never knew one could have---until my beautiful children were born. I am realizing more now of what I couldn't realize back then. This morning, before work, my daughter said, "Mommy I hold you?" (which actually means, 'Mommy, you hold me?") and even though we needed to get ready to go, I did. I held her and we rocked, maybe only for 2 minutes, but it's a 2 minutes I wouldn't trade for the world. My children are so incredibly important to me. I'm sure if you saw my imperfect mothering ways, you may not fully believe that, but though they try my patience, I would never trade them for anything. If I were to pour my feelings out all over this blog every day...it would always end the same. Sure, you're sick of hearing it---I am too---but I want to be home with my children so badly that at times, I just need to type out those feelings.

So if you are a stay at home mommy (or even if you arent) hug your kids a little tighter, show your husband how much you appreciate his hard work, and take some time to breath in your surroundings and realize how much you have.

I try to do more of that every day.

And that's how Suze sees it.

T-t-t-trust

Tonight, I indulge in The Bachelorette while typing on my blog.

I do this most times I blog (well, indulge in some kind of hulu.com show).

I have so many things on my mind and yet as I've begun typing out a number of them, I quickly erase it and start over.

Writer's block? Is that even possible with a blog? :)

Ok, I have figured out my topic.

Trust.

That is a such a sticky word for me but such a vital word in my marriage. I hate trusting people. I keep my guard up with most people I dont know well enough. There are days my guard is up with my family! It sounds ridiculous---I have known them forever---but when I'm feeling especially vulnerable, there is a wall that starts building.

Why is trust so hard?

Trust is hard for me because I've witnessed others give 100% trust to a person only for it to be ripped out from underneath them. A certain friend has been married for 10 years---only to find out her husband has been taking small amounts of money from her in that past 10 years and he recently left her, leaving thousands of dollars of bills unpaid. Another friend who we both know made the comment, "That is the reason my husband and I have separate bank accounts." She went on to say that you should never trust someone 100% no matter what---and her comment made me sad. I know that things happen. My husband makes his own choices and though I completely dont believe he would, tomorrow he could walk away from what we've built. But I do not believe that holding back in a marriage helps. You have to trust, you have to take a risk. Marriage is a risk taking adventure---you choose to give yourself to that person because of love. Marriage is not something to be taken lightly but a lifelong (and hopefully forever) commitment you make.

I hope you can trust more and give yourself to the one person in this life that will love you for who you are.

Have a good week, everyone!

And that's how Suze sees it.

Modest is Hottest

Petey playing dress ups the other day...apparently, we havent been working on our modesty.

In my religion, we focus a lot on modesty, especially with the youth. My whole life, I have been taught to respect and love my body by covering up what I need to. No low cut shirts, no sleeveless, no bare midriff shirts, no extremely short shorts, and nothing too tight fitting. This was a VERY hard concept for me. When I was in the third grade, I had a meeting with my parents (seriously) and I was ready to prove to them why it was ok for me to wear a sleeveless shirt. You see, my best friend had this awesome shirt from Limited Too and I wanted it so badly! My parents actually listened and decided I could buy Said Shirt. My dad made me promise that by me buying this shirt, I wasn't going to want more revealing things as time went on...he must've been a really smart dad by worrying about that because I did. A short time later, I started rolling my shorts up after I left the house to make them shorter (this was 4th grade...you can see where this is going). By high school, I was in short, low cut shirts and mini skirts (still not kidding). I would get dressed at school and dress back into my boring clothes before I got home. But you see, I was in dance and color guard in high school so it wasnt abnormal for me to come home in sleeveless, tight clothes most days.

After ANASAZI, my parents decided that I was allowed to wear whatever I wanted...so long that I wasn't wearing it to "turn on" any guys (Im pretty sure my dad may have said that exact sentence to me...awkward...). I agreed and went back to my mini skirts and sleeveless tops. I'm sure now that I think of it, I was always trying to impress guys. I lied to my dad and told him I wasnt and I regret that.

My modesty never got me in trouble but there is just something about the way I was raised that has made it hard for me to focus on modesty with Petey. Is it because I want her to be able to choose or because who really cares if a 2 year old wears a tank top? Probably both. But I just had a very spiritual feeling the other day that made me want to raise my princess in a way that she will never forget to respect her body. She now wears shirts under her tanktops and we've tried to teach her about modesty. It isn't very hard to change things since she wasnt walking around with revealing clothing on ALL the time before...but I believe that these little changes will help her one day. I dont know why I had those feelings at this certain time in her life but I do know that they will help her. I love that girl way too much to try and steer her wrong. :)

And that's how Suze sees it.

PS: If you arent a member of my church and would like to know more about modesty, go HERE to learn more about it. And if you ever have any questions for me, send me a message.

Dance

Sometimes I leave my house feeling so very confident...and come home feeling so very inadequate.

I have a constant battle with myself...whether to be thin or carry those 50 extra pounds that I do.

Do I find more happiness in food or in the way I look? It depends on the day...

Sad, isnt it? I WANT to exercise more. I WANT to eat better. I also WANT to spend as much time with my kids as I can. So most days, the exercising hits the dust pan and gets swept away. The plan to cook meals for the week gets brushed under a rug. And I choose to be with them.

I honestly love that I have not written here in over 10 days...You see, I love my blog but these past few weeks have been so fun for me. Instead of coming home and turning on the tv for the kids and glueing my eyes to my computer screen, I watch with them---or we dont watch tv at all. I can see a difference in them when I spend that extra time after work with them. It is ALL I have right now to grow a bond with my children---why would I ever want to miss out on an opportunity like that?

Anyway, yes, that was a tangent. Back to feeling fat and skinny. :) Family pictures with my parents and siblings is creeping up on us in July and so yesterday, the kids and I went to the mall (actually, 2 malls). I was feeling pretty good about myself and the cute red plaid dress I was wearing on our way out the door...and then we stepped inside the mall. It isnt the skinny teenagers that get to me. It is the mom's carting their babies around, acting like said baby MUST HAVE been adopted because there is just no way a woman can look like that after stretching her stomach for 9 months. But alas, as the sweet babies turn to look at me and I can see the resemblance, I know that these babies were not adopted...their mom's are just freakishly LUCKY or must work out every day of their lives. You see, people tell me not to complain about the way I look but to do something. I try to eat healthier but it is the cardio that I want back. It is the flexibility and the muscle. This is something that has not changed since high school. When a great song comes on, I dont think about singing it (though I love to sing). The very first thought that comes into my head is, "I want to dance to this song. I could choreograph something beautiful here." And when the song is over, I forget. I spent countles hours as a teenager dancing in the grass in my parent's backyard. If I was angry, dance ALWAYS got me through. There is just something about it that makes me incredibly happy. I dont even care if I am a great dancer---so long as I never stop dancing. But three years later, I have stopped.

When I miscarried my first pregnancy, it started to happen after I had been exercising. So when I got pregnant with Petey, I put myself on a strict no-exercise-during-pregnancy rule. Same thing with Spidey. I just couldnt bring myself to exercise, hence the gaining approx 40 lbs during pregnancy (both times...but losing it in between) and being completely out of habit to exercise. So now that I am in no shape at all but not planning on pregnancy in the near future, I need to start somewhere. So I've just decided to start dancing. Not anywhere in particular. I think I'll go back to my roots and sneak into my parents backyard this afternoon for some much needed exercise. :)

And maybe next time I go visit Forever 21 (one of my all time favorite stores!), I wont feel so inadequate.

Frustration

Tonight, I am frustrated (sorry, youre getting a lot of angry posts lately...p.m.s.).

I am frustrated that not only do I have to work but I come home to a messy house and the most awesome, stressful, cute, frustrating, beautiful children.

I am frustrated that Wednesdays are so hard for us because my kids are used to going to Grandma's and they have a hard time staying at home all day with me. I want them to like me more. I know they love me but they aren't used to being home with me and that hurts.

I am frustrated that I'm being selfish, especially after my last post. I know we all have trials and mine still seem big to me but they really aren't big in the grand scheme of life.

And lastly, I'm frustrated that I'm crying. I don't like breaking down and crying often. I'm crying because Petey just broke another toy right in front of me, that she keeps getting dvd's out and opening them, that my son is sick AGAIN, and that my great life (because in reality, I have it pretty good) doesnt seem so great right now.

And that's how Suze sees it.

Deep Thoughts

If you're like me, you may have days where you think your life is so hard...until you find someone else's shoes to walk in and you realize you have so much.

I believe there is not on trial in this world that is the "hardest" for everyone...because the way we deal with things is so different. We are individuals and we have different challenges in life. Mine might seem as big as yours, yours might seem bigger than mine. It's all about perspective and I try to never undermine somebody's trial because "it's easier than mine". I hope we can all understand that God gives us all challenges, not beyond anything we can bear, and we all go through them and hopefully make it out better in the end.

Just wanted to leave you with a story HERE. Also, you can read an excerpt from her book HERE. It's hard to read, I promise it wont be easy...but it changed my day and hopefully my life.

And that's how Suze sees it.