Fuzzy and Dull

Sometimes I just feel fuzzy and dull.And I procrastinate and whine. I put it in my mind that I am not skinny because of my body type---which is only half way true. The half that's missing is the WORK half. I literally have done nothing to lose weight in maybe 3 months. Sad, I know.
But instead of doing something about it, I feel dull and fuzzy. I feel lost and I would even tell you that life is unfair in those moments.
But life isn't unfair. Maybe the skinny mom of 4 is having self esteem issues just as I am having.
I have a pretty fair life and because I'm in a funk, I have decided to list all that is good in my life.

1. My husband. He is my support and my rock. We argue and fight but there is no one in this world that loves me more than him.
2. Petey. That girl is a fireball and a sweety pie (actually that's how she got the nickname Petey...cause her Papa calls her a Petey Swy instead of a sweety pie). She loves unconditionally and will always hold a special place in my heart.
3. Spidey (Papa gave him this name because he shares a first name with a famous UFC fighter...so if you know the UFC fighter named "The Spider", you now know my son's name) is just a joy to be around. He is constantly smiling and giggling and learning something new. I know he is going to wear me out because he is always on the go but I love that about him.
4. My older sister, Andrea. She is my best friend. Enough said.
5. My mom. My husband's mom. Both of our dad's. My sister in law. Honestly, our whole families!
6. My job. I know I'm quitting but I'm grateful for the 4 years I spent there.
7. Being able to stay home.
8. Technology.
9. A lovely 3 bedroom house that we already seem to be outgrowing but are not moving anytime soon so we'll love it just the same. :)
10. My van. I LOVE my van and we were in no circumstances to buy a car when the opportunity present itself. We seriously are blessed.
11. My religion. I am LDS. And this church is true. If you'd like to read more or have me send you a Book of Mormon , I would love to...free of charge!
12. All of my challenges and mistakes...it's hard for me to admit but what hasn't killed me has only made me stronger. I believe I am a better wife and mother because of the life experiences I have had.
13. The fact that I get to be surrounded by children from now on. These kids are my life and I did not know I could love mini human beings so much!

So today, Ill try and feel a bit brighter and more clear. Ill hug my kids one last time before bed. Ill tell my husband what he means to me.

And Ill realize that life really isn't all that bad.

And that's how Suze sees it.

The Grandma

Two more days and our lives are forever changed.

Two more days and we no longer worry about the instability for our children...because even with great parents that watch our children, I still feel a sense of instability. They never know where they're being dropped off and who is going to have them. My kids have just learned to go with the flow and I cant wait to have them here with me. In our home. The place we are most comfortable.

There isnt enough thanks in the world for my mother and all that she has done for her grandchildren. In the span of a week, she is going from seeing ALL 5 of them at least 4 days a week to having one grandchild to watch. Not that we are moving or going anywhere...we will still see her often. But I could not believe it when she cried the other day. It just truly shows how much my kids mean to her. I love my mom and though I cannot wait for this next chapter in MY life, I know she is sad for a chapter ending in her life.

I sometimes wonder...

Arent these people beautiful? This is the whole G family...as in, my parentals on down to my youngest nephew. I sometimes wonder what I would do without these people. It wasn't easy growing up with them as my parents but that has nothing to do with them. My idea of easy was to have parents who didn't care what trouble I got into...and boy did they care. Time and time again, my parents have saved me. Time and time again, they remind me how great of a job I'm doing. My dad will randomly call to tell me what a great mother I am. And when I told him I was quitting my job at his office, he supported me. He always has.

I sometimes wonder what this kid will grow up to do. This is my one and only brother...youngest in the family and only one that my parents "picked" (as in, he's adopted). I wonder what he'll accomplish and how people will percieve him. He has special needs...and is a very special boy. But I still wonder. I know who he is and love him for the young man he is becoming but I hate when kids at school are mean to him. I'm very protective...because only I get to pick on this kid and get away with it. :)

I wonder the same thing about this special girl. I wonder what more she will surprise us with...since a few years back, she surprised us by letting us know that even though she can speak no words, she can read! This is my only younger sister. Not adopted. Autistic among other things. And boy is she special too. I wonder how much she understands and I believe the answer is A LOT. I used to wonder if her not speaking was just an act and imagine that someday she would just wake up speaking full sentences and say, "I fooled you guys!" But still to this day, that dream has not come true...and I doubt it ever will. But it is still fun to imagine. :)

I wonder how I got so lucky to have such wonderful siblings, the blonde one of whom is leaving for China next week for 9 months and then to California after that for who knows how many years. She's my best buddy (yeah!) and I'm sad to see her go. I'm trying not to put up a wall before she leaves (and takes my adorable nephew with her!). I'm trying to be happy for her...and not sad for me. And then there's the next older sister, second from the right, who has lived in Flagstaff for years now. We have a Valentine's date every year and she means the world to me. Her and I have had more problems than any other sister...probably because we are more alike. But our Valentine's day date is our way of keeping our relationship alive (or at least that is how I feel). And then there is my oldest sister, second from the left. She gave me my first nephew. And my second. And she gave my daughter her first best friend. And she's always been there with any mother problems I am having. She stays strong even though we have both had to work while our kids are growing up. Stronger and less whiney than I have been about the whole situation. And in one more week, we wont work together. And I feel like I'm deserting her. And yet, throughout this all, she is HAPPY for me. Truly, she is selfless and there is a lot I can learn from her. Because I tend to get pretty selfish. A lot.

I have a pretty awesome family. I wonder where we will be in 10 years and yet, I have no doubt the answer will have something to do with happiness because of the great things we are all accomplishing in our lives. I love having so many sisters...and I love my spoiled, silly brother. :) My parents created a great dynamic for us and I wouldn't trade these people for the world.

Eyes

All my life, I've been so jealous of people who are lucky enough to have blue eyes. Eyes are something I notice first on most people and I felt so sad that I had boring hazel eyes. I even dyed a pair of contacts once to try and get a brighter eye color. It wasn't until I started dating the most special person in my life, my husband, that I felt I had beautiful eyes...only because he reminded me all the time how jealous he was. I thought the guy was crazy. Jealous of me? Especially when he was blessed with these...

Of course, our first born got his eye color and I hear more than once a day from strangers that she has million dollar eyes. I was ecstatic when her eyes started turning this color. I wanted all of my children to have their daddy's blue eyes. And then we had Spidey. He started out with dark blue eyes (like most babies do) and has ended up with my hazel coloring. I was sad when his eyes started changing color but his daddy was so happy and loves that our boy has hazel eyes.

I guess I'm learning a lot about my physical appearance these days and that is the moral of this story. Even when I don't love myself, my husband thinks I am so special. He thinks everything about me is beautiful and when I'm having hard "woman" days, he is always there to reassure me that I am the most beautiful girl in the world.

I dont know what I'd do without that guy. I know he loves me just as I love him and I dont know how I got so lucky to have him for eternity.

So here's to the men that make us women feel beautiful.

And that's how Suze sees it.

Did you hear the news?

In two weeks I'm going to have to change this blog a bit...because Im going to be a stay at home mom!!! And also a surrogate mom!!! Well...a babysitting mom, that is. To other babies.
Yes, I have one babysittee lined up. Yes, he is adorable. Yes, he is almost 3. Yes, I will watch him part time. And yes, I will love every minute of it...or at least most every minute. :)

Does that answer any questions you might have?

This could, in fact, be the biggest CHANGE post Ive done in a long time...and also the best change post.

And that's how Suze sees it.

Hugo-ginormous!

Is this weird to anyone else?Same boy---10 month age difference.

Overboard

Sometimes, I might go overboard. Not literally, like one would imagine a sailor at sea.

When a situation presents itself that I particularly like or think can change my life, I feel it is in my duty to work hard for 'Said Situation'. One never knows what could happen and if I don't try, I'll never succeed.

Maybe the 6 page power point presentation I sent to my dad was overboard. Only time will tell.

Sometimes it's fun to be slightly sneaky on my blog, leaving little tidbits of information here and there for the world to wonder about. What would be even more fun would be getting 100 comments of people wanting to know more about what I am writing. But alas, you 3 readers are faithful enough and I wouldn't ask you for such nonsense...especially since you wont get any more information unless 'Said Situation' actually pulls through.

All I ask for is this, my faithful trio, please keep your hopes up high for me. Maybe say a prayer. Maybe just cross your fingers. Whatever is your cup of tea.

And that's how Suze sees it.

PS: Potty training Stinks! I think we have given up for a few months unless my angel of a mother can convince Petey that the toilet is not scary. Yesterday, she yelled at me and said, "I want to be a baby again and wear diapers!!!" Yeah...not sure how far we're gonna get with that attitude.