2015 Flashbacks

 2015.

There were so many good things that happened to our family this year. So, so many.

But a few traumatic events made this year different than anything I could've ever predicted.
And when it came time for me to write a post about our year, I found myself not wanting to do so because the memories had a lot of background pain attached.

I've pushed through though because this blog is important to me. But I did make a decision, one that may or may not be big news to you but one that I've been considering much of the past two years.

I am retiring Suze's Corner. 

I started this blog a few weeks after my son was born back in 2009. In the past six years, so much has happened. There are memories from our marriage, raw moments after divorce, friendship memories that are painful to read about, etc. It's been a messy blog at times and I am so grateful for all of my readers.

And in case you're surprised (or if you think I'm an oversharer maybe you're even happy), I don't plan to stop writing. But I'm going to start a new blog in 2016---a blog that still shares messes and talks about the past and the future but a blog that doesn't have so much background attached.

Maybe you don't care or maybe you do but either way, I've decided this is what's best for my journaling {free therapy} in the future.

Anyway, I've decided to go through and talk about some of our memories of 2015 to wrap up the year.

In January, we drove up to Flagstaff to visit some of our friends. Andersen had the opportunity to play on a real drum set that belonged to our friend's band and he loved it so much. We went ice skating, played in the snow, and made new memories.

 In March, we headed to Carlsbad for Spring Break. We spent time in the sun and went to Legoland.

 This year has been incredible for Hayley. Incredible. One of her teachers messaged me at the end of 2014 and asked if she could choreograph a solo for Hayley to compete. It was so exciting!

 She competed that solo for the first time in March of 2015 and got 2nd place and High Gold. I cried as I watched her perform on the stage.
Cried. Real people tears.

 At the end of March, I ventured into my parents' backyard during my lowest point of this entire year and found that my mom had made a little peace garden with benches surrounding it. I can remember the feelings, the fears, and the thousands of thoughts spinning in my head as I told God He needed to fix this mess.
And slowly, He did.

 As one job door closed, another one opened and that same week, I was offered a job teaching tumbling at Rhythm and Motion Dance Center, which was something I could've only dreamed up until that point.

 And a week later, I decided it was time to do something I had been considering for a while and make myself a permanent reminder that I am a warrior. This tattoo will be on my foot forever and will remind me of the things I've been through and the strength I've shown during some trials I never would've thought I could handle.
I'm forever grateful for the acceptance from my people regarding this permanent decision and also for the support my family has been given throughout the year. It's been incredibly hard but also incredibly beautiful to realize who my people are and how much they care about us.

 On August 6th, Hayley lost her very first tooth and she did so by pulling it out all by herself!!! If you can't tell, she was so extremely happy!

 In July, my parents took us all on a trip to Washington DC. It. Was. Magical. I enjoyed so many things about DC and loved that my kids and I were given such an incredible opportunity.

 August 2015, my BABY boy started Kindergarten. It was a little tricky figuring out schools but we found the perfect fit and he is doing so well!

 Also in August, I started school full time at Arizona State University!!! I knocked out my first semester with 2 A's and 2 B's and enjoyed most of my classes.

 Hayley had an incredible opportunity to perform with her dance team at Disneyland and we got to enjoy two days of Disney fun!

 Oh and since I didn't already mention it, I switched the kiddos over to the dance studio I teach at and they are both currently dancing with RMDC's company. Both kids are enjoying it and learning so much.

 Another first for me---I attended my FIRST concert in 2015 and it was Taylor Swift! I am so thankful for my sister who invited me and was there to share my excitement---and when T Swift first came out on stage, I may have shed a few happy tears. (I really did...)

 Time Out for Women 2015 was another one for the books! That time with my mom and sisters is always so incredible and brings out the crazy in all of us.

 Another highlight {literally} of 2015 was changing my hair from this...

 ...to this. Blonde, blonde, super blonde. I'm so thankful for incredible friends who have amazing talents.
And speaking of amazing friends with talents, Leyla Moss took our family pictures again this year and as she does every time, she outdid herself!

We put the pictures together in less than 24 hours and the colors, location, everything was perfect! 

And it probably doesn't hurt that my kids are so freaking adorable. 

 Another heartbreaking moment of 2015 was watching Leyla lose her husband, Andy, to cancer. This moment was significant for me because Andy was diagnosed only a few months after my divorce had started. Leyla and I were both going through scary times and weren't able to physically be there for each other but being the amazing friend that she is, she still found ways to show me she loved me.
And two years later, as I said my goodbyes to her incredible husband on this Sunday afternoon, I felt like my heart was ripping in two for my friend, not knowing how to help or what to say.
And since that day and the harder days that happened weeks later, I have tried to be there for Leyla and I have prayed harder than ever before that she would feel God's love.
Cancer sucks, you guys. It really, really sucks. But throughout this experience, I have been amazing by Leyla's strength.

 And in October, Hayley performed her newest solo with her new dance team and as she danced on that stage, I felt the tears stinging the corners of my eyes again. And if you're wondering, it isn't because I'm proud of her for being a dance. It is because I'm proud of her for doing something that is scary for her. I'm proud of her for fighting her fears to be able to do something she truly loves.

Now 2015 is almost over and two weeks ago, I had a professional put a hole in my nose and stick a stud in there for fun.

This year, tied in with all of the painful things I've experienced, I've experienced some of the happiest times ever---ever, but especially since my divorce.
I've changed---a lot---and the things I believe have changed---some significantly and some small changes.
It's scary sometimes but most of the time, I look at who I am now and who I was then and the corners of my mouth curl up toward the sky.

Things weren't meant to be easy but they are going well. They are beautiful and the gratitude I feel often pours out in a blubbering mess across Instagram/Facebook. I'm pretty sure most people are sick of my rants but they keep me going and remind me why I'm fighting to be who I want to be---and not who I think I'm supposed to be.

2015 was hard and crazy and incredibly unpredictable but 2015 taught me more than I ever could've imagined.
And that's something I'm getting sick of admitting---that trials teach me and make me stronger---because I WANT LIFE TO CALM THE FRICK DOWN! But if it isn't going to, at least I'm learning so much in the process.

Merry Christmas, friends. I am so grateful for each of you.

Christmas 2014

 I knew this Christmas was going to be full of magic. It just had to be.
This is most likely the last Christmas I will ever spend with my kids on Christmas Eve AND Christmas day because of our parenting plan.
I had all of our presents bought weeks ago. It was small but small is ok. In fact, I liked small this year.

On Christmas Eve, the kids opened their new pajamas and both of them were overjoyed. We had spent most of the afternoon/evening with my parents, taking family pictures and eating delicious food, so by the time we got home, it was already past bedtime.

As soon as the kids went to bed, I got started on my Santa duties.

I thought it would take longer to put Ninja's drums together but they actually weren't too bad. I got it all done within the hour and I headed to bed for the night.

 The morning was, as expected, all sorts of magical. The kids were both full of gratitude that Santa had listened to their requests. We were wrapped up in happiness and family time for most of the time.

And then 2pm rolled around and my kids left to their dads house---and selfish me, I started to ache to have them back. And not only did I ache to have them back, I started to feel sorry for myself that I was single. My sisters were planning a date night with their husbands to the movies and I didn't want to go. Instead, I headed to my best friend's house and spent the rest of the day with her family.

As I was contemplating the afternoon of Christmas, I struggled with a few things. I felt guilty for not wanting to be around my family after my kids left. I wasn't sure they would understand. I wasn't sure they would be happy about it.
In the past year, I've learned some things about myself and one of those things is that it's hard to be around my nieces and nephews when my kids are gone. I find myself missing them more. I still spend time with my family when my kids aren't there but I avoid it sometimes. I've also found that it is really hard to go on "dates" with my sisters or friends and their spouses. I feel like a third or fifth or ninth wheel.

But guilt aside, it was a great afternoon. I'm so grateful my friends are so welcoming. They get it. They love me. I am a part of more than one family these days.

Along with Christmas day came the thought that I'd actually get Christmas cards out this year.
About that...
They're currently all printed and sitting on my desk. They just haven't left my desk. And I'm not sure if they will ever leave my desk...

But it was the first year I've ever printed Christmas cards so maybe next year will be the first year I mail some out.

 I jotted down some highlights of 2014 for our family.

And filled the other side with pictures...because I LOOOOOOOOVE pictures.

I'm sorry you may not have gotten a card from us and if you did, you should feel extra lucky because you're probably one of three people.

Merry Christmas, friends.

The Loss of Tradition

 How is it that every time I'm struggling---every dang time---I always seem to hear/read/feel what I need to hear/read/feel?
Tonight was no exception.
I was feeling sorry for myself. Feeling sorry that for five days this month, my children won't be in my home. And I'm not talking five days total---I'm talking five days in a row.
And do you know what two of those days are? Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

I'm going to miss these happy faces and squeals of excitement as they open gifts from Santa.

 I'm going to miss seeing them in their new Christmas pajamas.

I'm going to miss too much. And then in 2 years, I'm going to miss it all again.

It's realizations like this that seem unfair. How? Why? When? I ask myself how I got here, why I got here, when I got here.

My children are my life. I'm serious. You can ask anybody. And I don't care one bit if you think that is healthy or not. I wouldn't trade them for anything. I eat, sleep, and breathe motherhood. I take short breaks from it when I'm in school but the whole time, I'm thinking about my kids. I stare at pictures of them when they're not here. I think about their past, their present, and their future and I'm constantly worried about whether I'm doing this parenting thing right.

So tonight, I was struggling. There is so much to be learned with this new life and most of it, I just don't like.
I was perusing one of my new favorite blogs when I came across this post. It couldn't have been more perfect.
Breaking tradition. Not having the traditional family. I have to get used to living with these things. I need to find ways to be happy and have a life of my own.
But I don't want to. I want my children to engulf my life. I want to hide behind their greatness. I want them to be my one and only life.
Unfortunately I have no choice anymore. I am breaking traditions and I'm going to successfully pick myself back up and walk once again.
I'm strong. I know it. I feel it. I may not want to be strong but I am.
I can do hard things.

Christmas is going to be extremely hard. I have to decide where to go, what to do, NOT to sign in to Facebook, etc. I have to decide whether I want to be happy or miserable on my own this Christmas.
But I can do this.

I can do hard things.

Our Service Elves

If you know me, you know I'm not usually one to follow the crowd. If a video is being tossed around Facebook, I try to avoid watching it---just because.

So when Elf on the Shelf became really popular a few years ago, I had no intentions of getting one. Ever.
Then Elf on the Shelf became popular for doing naughty things while the kids slept but he was supposed to be there to make sure the kids were making good choices. It all seemed a bit ridiculous and hypocritical to me. I understand it's all cute and fun but I didn't want to send my kids mixed messages like that.

Then, the amazing world of Facebook introduced me to this post about kindness elves a few weeks ago. My favorite quote from her post: "Present giving is because you love someone, not because they deserve it. Hence why we focus more on the gift of our Savior at Christmas and His free, undeserved love to us instead." I have never felt right about telling my kids to be nice or Santa would be bringing them coal. That idea just never sat right with me. Whether my kids make good choices or bad choices, I love them just the same so why would Christmas be any different?

Jesus Christ has already given us the greatest gift of all---eternal life---and it just doesn't seem right that during a holiday commemorating his birth we would focus on how our children are being naughty or nice. Christ loves us regardless of our actions. We love our children regardless of their actions. And I plan to give my children gifts regardless of their actions.

But lately, there has just been too much whining when we go to the store or buy presents for other people. The other day, Petey flat out threw a temper tantrum on the floor of Walmart because she wanted a candy necklace kit that I had said no to buying. It was actually after that tantrum that we sat down and had a long talk about people less fortunate than us and how we need to have gratitude for everything we've been given. Petey decided it would be a good idea to donate some of her clothes and toys to little girls that don't have the things she has.

So we have implemented a new 'Elf on the Shelf' idea in our home. Each night when the kids go to bed, Pexy and Angel {the original names my children picked for their individual elves} will write us a letter with an idea of something we can do the next day to serve someone else. Some ideas I've had have been baking cookies for neighbors, cleaning our rooms, paying for someone else's food in a drive-thru, donating toys/clothes to a shelter, do a secret service for your sibling, etc. The kids are already so excited to wake up tomorrow and see what their elves have written in a letter for them.

I'm hoping and praying this helps us move past the entitlement phase of Christmas and onto the service phase. I know my children have good hearts but they're still children and it's really hard to buy someone else a present when it's exactly what you've been wanting. I understand their frustration but I hope I can teach them real Christ-like love for others so we can switch our focus to Him during this special season.

And with that, welcome to the family, Pexy and Angel! I hope you can help us remember to love others and serve them so we learn to have gratitude for what we already have.

Christmas Eve/Day: Guthrie's

 This is going to be a LONG post. So glad I'm finally done uploading all of the pictures so I can write!

We drove back up to Gilbert the afternoon of Christmas Eve to spend Christmas with my family.

When we got there, the kids were really loving K Bear's race track. Luckily, Spidey had been given 7 matchbox cars so each of the kids got to play with one.

 Petey had been waiting to open her Hello Kitty matching game all day and has been playing with that a lot ever since.

After the traditional pizza, this year courtesy of Papa Johns, we played games and watched Christmas movies together.

 At the end of the night, we had one unhappy baby...

 ...and one super happy baby. Ironically, those roles are usually switched since Ellie is usually serious around me.

 We gave the kids their Christmas pj's to wear to bed. As you can see, Spidey was throwing his everywhere because he was so excited!!! Petey got the exact ones she had been asking for so she was a happy kid as well.

 They wanted to pose with Aunt Andrea for the first picture

 but I did get a cute one of the two of them together with their new jammies.

 Playing Santa is even better than being a kid on Christmas. I love setting up everything for the kids.

 These are their Santa gifts this year.

 My parents tree was overflowing with gifts.

After we put the kids to bed, we stayed up and played Rook with my sister, her husband, and my mom. I know everyone thought we were weird for staying at my parents overnight but I don't get to see my sister often enough and it was so fun to stay up late together.

 The next morning, the kids were excited to get up those stairs and see what Santa had left them.

 They sure lucked out this year. If I can remember correctly, Petey's stocking had a Minnie Mouse beanie, Hello Kitty underwear, necklace and drink, gum (specifically requested by her), and some candy.

 Spidey's stocking had a Sparky beanie, Ninja Turtle underwear, a Spiderman drink, a slinky, and candy.

 K Bear was a happy kiddo with his stocking also. I think that squishy ball was a favorite for him.

 Here is Spidey with his slinky. He LOVES that thing and I'm actually surprised it isn't broken yet. :)

 Petey has been waiting for Christmas morning to see if Santa had left her exactly what she asked for; Hello Kitty bedding for her new room. Are you seeing the theme of what her favorite character is right now? She was SO excited that Santa came through with her request and even threw in a Hello Kitty doll and poster.

 Since Santa found such a good deal on Black Friday, he went with the theme and got Spidey Avengers bedding. That kid was SO excited as well since all he had asked Santa for was "something Avengers".

 K Bear had been asking for a giraffe since his birthday and Santa came through with his request as well. We had 3 happy kiddos in that living room that morning.

 We got Petey a Hello Kitty lunchbox with Hello Kitty pez dispensers in it.

 Spidey was so excited when he opened is new Veggietale.

 Ellie woke up a little later than the other kids {since she was up in the middle of the night} and she was so happy with her Santa present.

 Petey loved her new Veggietale as well.

 My husband is the weirdest the best and got my dad a pineapple corer but decided it would be hilarious to wrap it in this Victoria Secret bag that said "To Dale, Love Davey". It was.

Spidey's big present from us were these Avengers action figures. He was so excited and has been carrying the around ever since.

We bought a couple of family gifts for the kiddos, new movies, that Petey got to open since her brother's present from us was wrapped in 4 separate boxes. That way, they both felt like they had the same amount of presents to open.

And even though Boss and I had gotten our real Christmas present on Black Friday and have been using it since then, I surprised him with a trivia game based on our favorite tv show, The Big Bang Theory.

It was a wonderful Christmas morning and we are so grateful to be able to spend holidays with two of the best families in the world.