One of my greatest teachers

I'm doing great and I'm doing horrible.

Is that even possible?

It must be because it's how I'm doing.

I think about being pregnant and have a lot of anxiety when thinking about starting to try again next month. I don't know whether to try on our own or add fertility drugs in right away. I am so worried that it still won't work and if it doesn't work, that's the end. There's nothing else we can do for years and years...unless we win the lottery tomorrow. That'd be nice (even though we don't play...).

I don't want to live my life wishing for another baby every month if it isn't going to happen. I wish Heavenly Father could just tell me a snippet of what is going to happen in the future so I could know what to do.

Because if these are the only two kids we are going to have, how blessed we are to have two great little ones.

But if this is not the end of our family, I want to be doing what I can to get our other children to earth.

I have such a strong feeling that this isn't the end but that's what makes this all hard.

I know life isn't about what I think is best.

God really does know best.

But it would be nice if Him and I agreed on this timing. 

If we were pregnant right now, Spidey would be 3.5 when the baby would be born.

I know these thoughts don't help and so many parts of me are so grateful for this infertility. Infertility has helped me be a better mother to my children. It has helped me empathize with a large community of women who are struggling through many different forms of infertility.  I may struggle with secondary infertility but I know what it feels like to want a baby and feel heartbroken every month. I also know how to get out of that rut and stop being so depressed when there is so much to look forward to in life (though I do fall back into it every so often).

The bitterness of infertility makes me sad. I've experienced it before but I know women who let it define who they are.

Don't get me wrong, I cry when others announce they are pregnant. For some reason, it's harder when women announce they are pregnant with their 3rd. It makes me sad for me but I can also take my sad thoughts and turn them into happy thoughts because I know I would want that for someone else if I were the pregnant one.

I just feel so bad for living my life so cluelessly to the issues of infertility. I always hated infertility and never wanted it to be a part of my life but I never stopped and thought about those who were possibly sad when I announced pregnancies or when I said I was a bit sad about finding out my son was a son.

How grateful I am for a son and how grateful I am to have my children.

But seriously, how selfish I was to complain for a second that I wasn't getting two girls in a row.

Now I know better.

Now I can act better and try and teach those around me how to better act around someone with infertility.

So yes, I am grateful. It's a very sad trial in my life but I wouldn't trade it if given the chance. Infertility has been a great teacher in my life and it is something that is helping to polish off all of those jagged edges that I am still holding onto.

There is so much more to this than just wanting a baby. I have been so hopeful lately and anxious to try again but I know whatever happens is God's will. Whatever happens will be the best possible thing for our family.

And that's how Suze sees it.

Dancing Queen

Exciting things have been happening in our home lately.

One of those things happened this week since swim lessons ended for Miss Petey.

 Oh yes, those are dance clothes. :) Petey had her trial class of hip hop on Monday and even though she wasn't as excited about going, that happened to be the highlight of her week! I kept telling her hip hop was going to be fun and that they would dance faster and do a lot of silly things but she insisted that she wanted to take ballet and be a princess.
 She had a great time and even learned a new pose...

 She told us this is called the "stinky diaper face". She also walks around doing an upsidedown peace sign and saying, "word.". It's quite hilarious.

 So then on Thursday, we tried out the ballet class to see if she liked it as well. Don't you love her pose of choice? She is so silly. Spidey was excited to be there as well.

 Mr. B and Spidey had a fun time playing in the corner with all of the cars and other activities I had packed for them (Lifesaver!).

 Here is a blurry picture of Petey in ballet. She ended up loving it so she'll be sticking it out in those two classes this year.

When I asked her which class she liked better, she enthusiastically answered, "Hip hop! But I want to stay in both classes." I had told her that if she didn't like one of the classes, she didn't have to do it so now anytime anyone talks about it, she makes sure to tell them she is staying in BOTH classes. (She seems to be a little bit worried I'm going to take her out of one of them.)

I'm really glad she gets to do this since it is her last year to be doing activities and still having so much time with us. It'll be harder to let her choose dance or some other activity when she's going to be in school most of the day. I actually didn't think sending her to school would end up being a hard thing for me but I'm already sad about it and it's still a year away!

I'm realizing more and more how much I need to cherish this time with my kids because once they are in school, I won't get to have them to myself all day.

Enjoying the Moments

I logged on to Blogger 45 minutes ago and had plans for starting a new blog post.

But then I heard a tiny peep from my kids' room that said, "Momma? I need a grink (translation: drink)."

I even had the thought of ignoring it and seeing if he would go back to bed but I knew I needed to not be "lazy mom" and be "proactive mom that gets up when her children need her". So that is who I was.

I quietly opened the door with the "grink" and Spidey gulped the entire cup. Then, I told him I'd sing him a song before he went back to bed and after one song turned into 10, I just knew I had to get video of him singing 'I am a Child of God'.

So that's what I did.

(I apologize, it was dark in his room so it's really just sound.)

Has your heart melted yet? Because mine has.

After the song, my boy wanted his picture taken.

So naturally, I had to take about 20 because he loves to ham it up for my camera.

This was the outcome.

I will always cherish those pictures because they will remind me of the time I spent enjoying the minutes we were in instead of wishing my life were somewhere else.

There are so many days I wish I could have the mind of a child again.

The days when tying a blanket around your neck meant you became a super hero...

(Or as my son says, "Mom, make me Supa-Man!".)

The days when you enjoyed the exact moments you were in.

I find myself often wishing Boss was done with school or that we could afford a fancier car or a bigger house but what I need to enjoy is having little kids and a darn good life right now.

They won't be little much longer.

So tomorrow, I will try to enjoy those tender moments a little more and yell a lot less.

(Yelling is my mommy weakness.)

And that's how Suze sees it.

The Two Bald Guys I Live With

My heart is kind of breaking today. It must be the unbalanced hormones I am currently experiencing but it's been over 24 hours of me grieving my infertility. Why do days like this happen? I thought it was getting better.

But since I don't really want an entire blog post about infertility and negativity, I'll write about my husband and son because they make me smile and I'm so lucky to have them.

Yesterday, I asked Boss to cut Spideys hair. The above picture is a picture from a few days ago but it shows that his hair was getting a bit long. I love the red hair and I hate cutting it all off but it gets hot in the summer here and my little boy sweats a lot so his hair gets really nasty.

I specifically asked Boss to buzz Spidey's hair and what I was wanting was his hair to look like it does in the picture above. In my mind, buzzed means mostly cut off but still showing that the kid has hair! (That above picture is from last October.)

I walked into the bathroom a couple of minutes later and found this...

Oh yeah, you're seeing that correctly. Boss SHAVED just the top of Spidey's hair off. Seriously? Really? Seriously?!! My brother in law said the picture looks like Benjamin Button and I totally agree. That was such a creepy movie in my opinion and that is what my son looks like in the picture!

Of course, he did end up shaving it all off and then he let Spidey help him shave his own head (which is something he does every month...he doesn't like having a receding hair ling so he chooses to have no hair at all.).

And here is the finished product of my bald little son. I was actually quite mad that he shaved his head but I know it will grow back so I've gotten over it pretty quickly. But I do a double take every time he walks in the room. It looks SO weird!

I'm so thankful that my family can take my mind off of this trial that seems to be neverending in my life. They really are my best friends and my favorite people!

And that's how Suze mourns her son's bald head.

Another Bedroom Switch (I know, right?)

Last year, we made a big decision to move the kids into the master bedroom.

It was a good switch for us at the time because we had Boss' brother living with us. I loved having the toys locked up in the closet so the kids could only play with them when they had picked up the last toy. I loved them having space for their bunkbeds. But I didn't love that Spidey broke the blinds and then pulled down the blanket we had pinned up every single night. I didn't like that they stopped asking for their toys and kept playing with my stuff around the house. And I didn't like that I gave up my big closet and my master bathroom.

So last week, we decided to switch them back and since Boss' brother moved out like 6 months ago, we have an extra bedroom for their toys again!

 Boss is the most awesome husband and moved all of the big stuff by himself. This is actually a picture from a couple of months ago to show you what Boss did to surprise me this weekend.

 I have been wanting the bunkbeds painted since we got them! I was so excited that he stained them dark brown. I'm also super proud that I got the room cleaned yesterday so the kids can be back in their beds tonight.

 This is the other side of their room. The room looked super small when we had our king size bed in it and now it looks big again!

 Luckily, we kept most of their decorations up so I only had to add a few things.

 Their closet holds all of their clothes and we are definitely stocked up on Pull-ups. (There was a sale...)
Today, I took the kids over to our house (Did I mention we're babysitting at my parents house til tonight?) so I could finish up their room and get the playroom all done.

 I really can't believe I finished it already! The playroom looks awesome with all of their big toys around the room. Much better, now that they can play with almost anything they want.

 We had to leave that tv stand in the playroom because it hides the wi-fi hook ups. But I put all the kids books in there and now it serves two purposes!

The playroom closet has all of Petey's dress ups and on the shelf are all the toys the kids have to ask before getting into.
I am so excited that the switch is done but now my family room is a disaster and it's going to take me DAYS to get it all back to normal.
So here's to more cleaning! Hopefully, I can get it done soon so I don't feel totally frazzled.

And that's how Suze makes a quick decision and goes with it!

She's a fishy fish!

I know. You're sick of the swimming videos. But humor me for another minute---or don't read any further.
Yesterday, I challenged Petey to swim the entire length of the pool. We practiced it side by side a couple of times and then she was just doing it by herself!

I will say that ever since she got the hang out of coming up for breath when swimming, she gets kind of excessive and likes to come up for breath every two seconds. It makes her go a lot slower but hey, it's better than her not breathing enough! :)

 I'm a pretty darn proud mom.
Swim lessons are over after this week and I'm REALLY glad. After they refused to move her up to the next class, I got a little bit tired of sending her but there is a stupid cancellation fee so I didn't want to pull her out two weeks ago. She has showed them that she is capable of moving up but for some reason, when we got the "report card" at the end of the session, they marked that she can't do some of the things that I have VIDEOS of her doing.
And I know, I probably seem like a crazy mom right now but I just believe that if I'm going to pay for someone to teach my kid something, I want my child to be challenged so they actually learn something.
So anyway, I'm just glad it's over. And next week, she starts dance classes again! I will take sitting in an air conditioned building to watch her learn something over sitting in the hot sun for 30 minutes where she learns nothing any day!

And that's how Suze sees it.

Strike a Pose!

The other day, I asked Andersen to take a picture with his silly, adorable star glasses on (that he popped the middle out of). As soon as he did this pose, I thought, "Now, where the heck did he learn that?"

 And then I remembered...

Oh yeah, he has an older sister. :)

I am so lucky to have two children that daily make me smile and most days, we end the day laughing and wrestling each other. What could be more fun than that?

And that's how Suze sees it.