Bravery: 2014

At the beginning of 2014, I wrote this post where I chose my word for the year.

It's a funny thing, the words I choose. Every year, I pick them and every year, they end up applying to my life even more than I anticipate.

I can count numerous times this year when the word bravery was directly applied to a decision or action in my life.
There was this post where I shared my views on divorce and how it hasn't changed my belief in marriage. Getting used to openly talking about divorce wasn't an easy thing. I was fearful of the judgement. But I did it anyway because I needed my voice to be heard.
This year, I made hundreds of new friends---some I've met and some I hope to meet in person someday. I might have forced myself into some of their lives and trusted my brave heart to lead me in the path I needed to go and my goodness, it turned out so incredibly sweet in the end.
I have learned to fight this year---I went from slowly killing myself daily to putting myself in recovery from my eating disorder, I have learned to openly talk about pornography and share my views on the effects of it's entrapment, and I have slept in my bed alone for over a year with only minor middle-of-the-night freak outs.

I have dated. Oh what a fun and seriously stupid world the dating world is... I really don't have much to say about it but for me, dating has been extremely brave.

School. I have completed two semesters of full time school this year and gotten through one of the most triggering classes I've ever had to endure---and I raised my hand and spoke my mind about why I don't agree with mainstreaming pornography.

I was chosen to be a recipient of the Bright Effects day and I completed a photoshoot of just me...no kids...just my beautiful insecurities, all wrapped up into one mold of a warrior.

I started working again---and it was all sorts of messy for a while. Juggling work, school, and motherhood was not very fun for a while. Ninja would say the same thing if you asked him. It was hard. I was constantly getting anxious and running from one place to the next, trying to devote my attention to whomever needed it the most in that minute. Luckily, we have fallen into a groove and things have gotten so much better!

My bravery took us on two trips, one to California and one to Utah. I also took a trip to Las Vegas with friends, where I bravely wore my "Porn Kills Love" shirt on the LV Strip.

There have been so many moments this year where I've questioned myself. I doubt my abilities a lot. I worry about whether this blog is the right thing, whether my parenting is good enough, and whether I'm acting with authenticity. I want to be real and allow you to see the messy mixed in with the beautiful.

I struggle to find who I really am. I have changed so much this year and although so many aspects of that are beautiful, some of them aren't as great. Sometimes I surprise myself with how much anxiety can take over within seconds or how my fears cause me to believe really ugly things about myself.
Other days I surprise myself with how confident I am.
But mostly, it's just been hard trying to figure out who this new Suzanne is. I battle that one out in my mind often---way too often.

There have been so many reasons to celebrate my bravery this year. I've done a lot of things I didn't believe I'd be capable of doing.

Which brings me to 2015:
I have thought about what word I should pick to represent this next year of my life.
Most of the words I wanted to pick were synonyms with bravery: courage, strength, etc. They all seemed like decent words but I knew none of them were the word I was looking for.

I was looking at this new family picture yesterday and the word seemed to be staring me in the face...

Healing.

With all of my pain and struggle between divorce and my eating disorder, I have tried to focus on my own healing but it has never received enough attention.

This year, I am putting more focus on my own personal recovery. I'm going to figure out who I am and who I truly want to be.
I am going to fight for myself so that I am able to fight for those two beautiful children of mine.

The past 3 years, I've tried to make it a goal to go to the temple 12 times (which would equal out to once a month) and each year, I get somewhere between 6-9. Not this year. This year I surpassed my goal and although I am not going to put a specific number on my temple attendance this next year, I have seen what going to the temple does for my life and I am going to continue making it a priority.

Healing.

I have so much faith that healing my heart is possible. I have faith in my ability to figure this new life out.

To end my year of bravery, and to start another year of bravery, I recorded a song that I heard for the first time tonight---because I'm really good at winging things around here. This is my last post of 2014 and I really wanted to share something special with all of you, my warrior friends.
I want to leave you with a thousand disclaimers but I think the bravest part of posting this is just leaving this video for you to listen to and judge for yourself. No disclaimers. Just me.

2014: Day 1

Happy New Year! It is officially January 1st, 2014.

2014 has a lot of meaning to me. It is a year of new beginnings. It is my first year being single in almost 8 years. There are a lot of fears that come with this new year.

So many words have been swirling through my head this past month. I chose faith as my word for 2013 and it ended up being the perfect word. I was almost tempted to choose it again but I decided to start with something new.

2013 was one of the most challenging and blessed years I have ever experienced.
It was the year I chose faith over fear and made some really hard decisions.
It was the year I overcame some of my biggest obstacles.
It was the year I saw a counselor probably 42 out of 52 weeks---and I couldn't be more grateful for that.
It was the year I learned how to really serve.
It was the year I was strong enough to handle 5 family pregnancy announcements and learn how to be happy for others, even when I was silently aching.
It was the year my firstborn started kindergarten!
It was also the year she started dance team.
It was the year both of my children learned how to ride two wheeler bikes.
It was the year I completed my first semester back to school---successfully!

And yes, it was the year we filed for divorce. But that's ok because I have faith. We are both respectful people and I'm lucky to be in the current situation that I'm in. I know that's hard for people who aren't me to understand but just know that we know we are blessed no matter what.

My goal for January of 2014 is to follow a 30-day writing challenge. Today's challenge was just to introduce myself. So if you are a new reader or if you just want to learn some new things about me I'll try to put some unique stats in here for you all to enjoy.

You probably know the first and foremost thing I would do when introducing myself---

---I am a mother of two. In 2014, my kids will be 6 and 5 and that just scares the living daylights outta me!

I was a dancer in my growing up years. I also played basketball as a kid---you know, until they realized I was too short. {Just kidding}
In high school, I did many different things including color guard, winterguard, dance team, concert choir, jazz choir, and I even took ice skating lessons for a little while.

I played the flute in elementary school and junior high and I took piano and voice lessons for years.

I graduated in 2006, got married in 2007, had Petey in 2008, had Spidey in 2009, was diagnosed with infertility in 2011, and we separated in 2013. Seriously. It has been a whirlwind of years since my graduation from high school. But at least it looks like we're moving on to big changes every two years instead of every year, right?

I am LDS. You'll hear more about that on one of my other writing days.

I am currently in school to become a marriage and family therapist and I am fearful and excited for the years ahead of me.

I've lived in 3 different places my entire life---all within 15 minutes of each other. The first was my house growing up, the second was the apartment we lived in for 10 months after getting married, and the third is the house I currently live in and we've now lived here for 6 years {minus two months}. Can you see how much I'm not a fan of change? Maybe someday I'll be more adventurous and move 30 minutes away. ;)

I have ten thousand sarcastic bones in my body.

And I also love to make others laugh---with me, not at me.


Ok, so have you heard enough? I think that's about all I have for today.

Wait, what? You are wondering what my 2014 word is? Oh yeah---I forgot.


2014 is definitely a year of new beginnings. It is a year I find myself again and reclaim a separate identity from married life, from mommy life, etc. It is the year I learn to be brave.

Bravery might seem like one of my strengths because it's easier to be brave when I'm surrounded by people that buoy me up. But I want to learn bravery on a whole new level this year.

I want to be brave enough to push forward in school.
I want to be brave enough to be alone.
I want to be brave enough to push past my comfort zone.
I want to be brave enough to share my testimony.
I want to be brave enough to serve in any situation.

So this year, I will focus on being brave.

Here's to 2014. I pray this year is full of miracles, happiness, and strength for all of you.

New Years at the Cabin

 This past Monday, the kiddos and I headed up to my parents' cabin to spend New Years with everyone. Unfortunatly, Boss worked Monday so we missed having him there but it was still a fun day.

We headed out at 6am to make it in time for breakfast with everyone which ended up being a bad idea. As soon as I started driving through the mountains, we hit a thick patch of fog AND it started snowing really hard. My sisters claim that it's too dramatic to call what I drove through a blizzard so we decided the better word is vortex. The snow was coming right at my windshield and we ended up driving 25 mph through the mountains because nothing was plowed and the roads were covered in snow. SCARY!!!

But as you can tell from the fact that I am here writing this story, we lived through this event and made it in time for breakfast.

The kids were really excited to see their cousins and even though this picture has horrible quality, I had to add it. They all rode around on that fire truck throughout the day and loved it.

After breakfast, the plan was to head up to the rim to play in the snow but since it had snowed more than I've ever seen at the cabin, we decided the kids would have just as much fun playing outside around the cabin.

 Spidey was enthralled with the "no", which on an unrelated note made us all realize he has a hard time pronouncing "s" if a consonant is the next letter in the word.
For example: snow "no", scared "cared", stop "top", spot "pot".
The funniest part is that my child who is OBSESSED with tattling right now was running around the house saying, "Sammy is throwing 'no' balls at the house!!!" We were all laughing since it sounded like he was saying there were NO balls being thrown which is ironic since that would be a good thing.

 Can you tell he was happy?

 Uncle Chris' son kept throwing 'no'balls at him so finally, Chris tackled him to the ground in the snow. Of course, Spidey loved that.

 Petey came out in mismatched gloves and 'no'boots that actually fit me but that's what happens when you only go see the snow once or twice a year.

 Isn't her sweater the cutest? I was pretty proud. I found it at Dillards last week. It was originally $50 but I bought it for $15.

 Spidey likes to explore and got stuck down a small hill so Uncle Chris helped him climb back up.

 There's Uncle Chris' son at it again. He loved throwing 'no'balls at everyone.

 Uncle Jp made a little sledding pathway for the kids and they had a blast with it.

 Petey learned that snow is ice and it tastes good.

 One of the uncles had to be at the end of the tiny hill when the kids were sledding so they didn't run into the trees.

 Jp made the kids' day by grabbing the sled rope and running around the yard really fast.

 Here is a video of him running around with them.


That video also introduces the next two pictures...

Petey learned that it is just easier to lick the snow right off the ground.

So naturally, she taught George to do the same thing...

Wilbur Force got in on the sledding action.

Uncle Chris' oldest son tried out the sled as well.

And so did Aunt Candace. She loved it.

After a while, Petey was ready to be done and begged to go inside and warm up. Can you see the pain in her smile? Sh was freezing! It was probably all of that snow she ate.

Spidey ventured out behind the house to find more snow. I had a hard time following him back there because my feet kept sinking.

Then we brought everyone inside to warm up, drink hot chocolate and watch a movie.

Of course, this is where Candace stayed most of the day.

Bug was all smiles for me that afternoon.

George had fun trying to get him to smile.

I can hardly stand how cute that kid is.

Sorry, Andrea, you said this picture was hot so I added it just for you.

This is what the rest of the room looked like as I was taking pictures of Bugsy.

The two besties.

Bugsy fell asleep on his moms legs. Even sleeping he is adorable!

 Mini G, all wrapped up and warm.

 

The next day, we were ready to leave and since it had snowed again, my car was "covered".

Yes, if you live in the snow, this isn't "covered" but it was more than I've ever seen. It was also the first time I've had to brush/scrape snow off of my car to be able to drive.

There were icicles under my car.

I learned the hard way that when scraping snow off of your car with a broom, make sure NOT to hit a tree branch right above you. Snow will dump all over you...

I got to spend some time with Mini G while her parents packed up their car to leave also.

Since the kids didn't stay up to ring in the new year with us, they loved wearing the hats and tiaras the next morning.

It was a great new years and I am so grateful to my family for putting up with me and my wild children.

2013: Faith

 In 2011, I had a view of where my life would be.

That view was this picture plus one more little one on the way.

That view wasn't a reality.

So I just knew 2012 was going to be the year that view changed to reality. 

Well, hi there, 2013. Where did you come from?

Even though that view is still just a far-away-and possibly-not-going-to-happen view, I am beyond excited for 2013.

And even more than the excitement of 2013, I am grateful for the year 2012.

It is the year:
-Petey learned how to ride a big girl bike.
-Spidey REFUSED to ride the big boy bike or 3 wheeled scooter he got for birthdays/Christmas.
-Boss got a new job and decided on a different career path.
-Petey learned how to write her name.
-I got a gym membership and lost 15 pounds, gained it back, then lost 10 again. (Story of my awesome life)
-My kids met their favorite doggy friend, Paco, and then said goodbye to him later in the year.
-Baby Ellie was born.
-Boss' brother married a wonderful girl.
-Boss shaved Spidey's head.
-Petey cut her own hair.
-We went to Legoland.
-I was called to be in the Relief Society presidency.
-I followed through with my resolutions and organized my house mroe than ever {though it's current condition doesn't show that}.
-My kids were on the cover of a magazine.
-I learned how to cook more than one meal that my husband approves of.
-Boss was in his friend's wedding and looked dashing in his tux.
-Petey turned FOUR.
-Spidey turned THREE.
-I turned TWENTY FIVE.
-Boss turned TWENTY SEVEN.
-We got a zoo membership that we use almost every week.
-Petey learned how to swim.
-Spidey learned how to recognize his ABC's.
-Petey started dance class.
-Spidey learned how to poop paint.
-Spidey managed to need dermabond (strong glue to seal deep cuts) for two different injuries.
-I learned how to french braid.
-We painted and redecorated 3 rooms in our house.
-Bugsy was born.
-A week later, Mini G was born.
-Two of Boss' brothers got engaged.
-We bought a new van.
-Spidey realized his love for The Avengers.
-Petey realized her love for Hello Kitty.
-Petey learned how to do a perfect bridge.
-My sisters and I sang the National Anthem at an ASU game.

So as you can see, 2012 was a great year. Our family has grown so much by the trials and miracles that have been placed in our lives. I truly am thankful for this past year and wouldn't trade the memories we've made for anything.

2013 is going to be a year of good change for our family. Whether our family grows in size or grows in knowledge alone, we look forward to everything 2013 brings us.

My word for 2013 is faith.

Most specifically, faith in His plan for us. Whatever God has in store for us, I hope to be ready for.

I don't have a long list of goals for this year because having faith in God's timing is the most important thing right now. The only goal I am adding to my list is to attend the temple once a month in 2013. I made that goal in 2012 and even though I only remembered to go 7 of the months, it changed my life so much. If I am going to continue having faith in God, I know temple attendance needs to be a priority in my life.

I hope each of you recognizes the blessings you received in 2012 and look forward to what God will bring you in 2013. I know He has a plan for everyone.

And that's how Suze sees it.

New Years Eve

The day after Fatty and Katie were married, we headed up to my parents cabin, where we planned to spend the next 4 days.
The kids were so excited because there was a little bit of snow on the ground. This was the only snow we got to see and play in while we were there and it was the perfect amount.

The kids got to feel it, play in it, throw it and nobody got too dirty or wet. Perfect!Spidey sure was happy and gave me a smile to prove it. Friday afternoon, my parents, sister and family, and my hubby and Petey all went on a walk. I stayed at the cabin with Spidey and my little sister, Candace. Spidey had such a fun time because it was the first time I let him play our Kinect. There is a fun bubble game that he loved to play, where he just popped a bunch of bubbles on the screen. Very appropriate for a 2 year old. :)

That night, the kids were really cranky and we had not gotten a lot of sleep the night before so Boss and I were cranky as well. We ended up leaving the cabin after dinner so our kids could sleep in their own beds and we could get a better nights sleep too. The next morning, New Years Eve, Spidey woke up and threw up all over me. We were going to have a fun day but decided to let him rest and see how things went. We put the kids on our bed and turned Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (their favorite) on the computer. Thank you, Youtube!

About an hour later, my little boy was all smiles and giggles and the kids were playing so well. I find it hilarious that Petey is willing to push her brother around in his Tonka truck. They both think it's funny.
After the kids seemed happy, we gae Spidey a full meal, which he ate quickly and never threw up so we decided to head to the park for some fresh air. This was Petey's first time riding her new bike to the park and she did great! Spidey actually fell over on his bike a minute after this picture was taken and refused to ride it. So Boss gave him a shoulder ride and I carried his scooter to the park. Boss is such a fun dad and plays with the kids at the park way more than I do. I love this picture of my boys.Add in this cute little girl and you've got my 3 favorite people, all in the same picture! :)On the way home, Boss "helped" Spidey ride his scooter home by pushing him the entire way. :) Don't worry, our house is the second house down the street from the park.
That night, our family was invited to a party but because of Spidey's possible sickness and Boss having his brother over, Petey and I went by ourselves. And we had a blast!
There was a bounce house for the kids, tons of yummy Mexican food, a pinata, karaoke, lots of confetti throwing, and fireworks!Petey was so busy picking up candy from the pinata that she didn't even notice the confetti flying everywhere and covering her head. Once she realized what we were doing, she joined in on the fun. Confetti everywhere!This was probably my favorite part of the night and I feel bad for Leyla and the clean up she's had to do at her house since then. It was seriously everywhere and we all tracked it when we came inside. Petey was so excited and wanted to show me her bag of candy.And I was so proud of her for being brave and holding a sparkler. Last year, she wouldn't touch them. :)
I'm glad we got to have a fun New Years Eve. We came home at 10:30, I put Petey to bed, and then I stayed up til midnight with my brother in law and husband. :)
Stay tuned. Tomorrow, I plan to blog my 2012 goals and words.