Bravery: 2014

At the beginning of 2014, I wrote this post where I chose my word for the year.

It's a funny thing, the words I choose. Every year, I pick them and every year, they end up applying to my life even more than I anticipate.

I can count numerous times this year when the word bravery was directly applied to a decision or action in my life.
There was this post where I shared my views on divorce and how it hasn't changed my belief in marriage. Getting used to openly talking about divorce wasn't an easy thing. I was fearful of the judgement. But I did it anyway because I needed my voice to be heard.
This year, I made hundreds of new friends---some I've met and some I hope to meet in person someday. I might have forced myself into some of their lives and trusted my brave heart to lead me in the path I needed to go and my goodness, it turned out so incredibly sweet in the end.
I have learned to fight this year---I went from slowly killing myself daily to putting myself in recovery from my eating disorder, I have learned to openly talk about pornography and share my views on the effects of it's entrapment, and I have slept in my bed alone for over a year with only minor middle-of-the-night freak outs.

I have dated. Oh what a fun and seriously stupid world the dating world is... I really don't have much to say about it but for me, dating has been extremely brave.

School. I have completed two semesters of full time school this year and gotten through one of the most triggering classes I've ever had to endure---and I raised my hand and spoke my mind about why I don't agree with mainstreaming pornography.

I was chosen to be a recipient of the Bright Effects day and I completed a photoshoot of just me...no kids...just my beautiful insecurities, all wrapped up into one mold of a warrior.

I started working again---and it was all sorts of messy for a while. Juggling work, school, and motherhood was not very fun for a while. Ninja would say the same thing if you asked him. It was hard. I was constantly getting anxious and running from one place to the next, trying to devote my attention to whomever needed it the most in that minute. Luckily, we have fallen into a groove and things have gotten so much better!

My bravery took us on two trips, one to California and one to Utah. I also took a trip to Las Vegas with friends, where I bravely wore my "Porn Kills Love" shirt on the LV Strip.

There have been so many moments this year where I've questioned myself. I doubt my abilities a lot. I worry about whether this blog is the right thing, whether my parenting is good enough, and whether I'm acting with authenticity. I want to be real and allow you to see the messy mixed in with the beautiful.

I struggle to find who I really am. I have changed so much this year and although so many aspects of that are beautiful, some of them aren't as great. Sometimes I surprise myself with how much anxiety can take over within seconds or how my fears cause me to believe really ugly things about myself.
Other days I surprise myself with how confident I am.
But mostly, it's just been hard trying to figure out who this new Suzanne is. I battle that one out in my mind often---way too often.

There have been so many reasons to celebrate my bravery this year. I've done a lot of things I didn't believe I'd be capable of doing.

Which brings me to 2015:
I have thought about what word I should pick to represent this next year of my life.
Most of the words I wanted to pick were synonyms with bravery: courage, strength, etc. They all seemed like decent words but I knew none of them were the word I was looking for.

I was looking at this new family picture yesterday and the word seemed to be staring me in the face...

Healing.

With all of my pain and struggle between divorce and my eating disorder, I have tried to focus on my own healing but it has never received enough attention.

This year, I am putting more focus on my own personal recovery. I'm going to figure out who I am and who I truly want to be.
I am going to fight for myself so that I am able to fight for those two beautiful children of mine.

The past 3 years, I've tried to make it a goal to go to the temple 12 times (which would equal out to once a month) and each year, I get somewhere between 6-9. Not this year. This year I surpassed my goal and although I am not going to put a specific number on my temple attendance this next year, I have seen what going to the temple does for my life and I am going to continue making it a priority.

Healing.

I have so much faith that healing my heart is possible. I have faith in my ability to figure this new life out.

To end my year of bravery, and to start another year of bravery, I recorded a song that I heard for the first time tonight---because I'm really good at winging things around here. This is my last post of 2014 and I really wanted to share something special with all of you, my warrior friends.
I want to leave you with a thousand disclaimers but I think the bravest part of posting this is just leaving this video for you to listen to and judge for yourself. No disclaimers. Just me.

Fearfully, Faithfully, Beautifully

Once upon a time, there was a scared young woman who didn't like not knowing the future. She knew that the future could bring happiness but it was also full of uncertainty.

She was afraid to look in the mirror because she didn't know if she liked the person staring back at her.
She was afraid to be alone because the horrible stories in the news made her feel vulnerable to the world.
She was afraid to date because she knew what rejection felt like and it didn't feel good.
She was afraid to be herself because what if people didn't accept the real her?

Amidst her fears, friends would randomly say things like, "You are such a strong woman.", "My husband and I were talking about how any man would be lucky to have you as their wife.", "Thank you for helping me through that." and she wondered..."Do they see who I really am? Do they notice my flaws?"

The answer is yes, they do.

And they loved her anyway.

Because somewhere among the loudness and the lack of a filter and the short temper, they saw who she really was. They saw the good.

It was because of them that she continued to fight. It was because of what they saw in her that she began to notice some of the goodness too. She began to realize she isn't worthless or stupid or ugly.

She is loveable and funny and compassionate.

She couldn't have done this by herself. Even brave people need help. Two years of therapy, anti-anxiety medication, prayer, and love have helped her to be as brave as she could be. I don't believe God gave her this life because she was strong enough to live it. I believe He gave her this life because He knew He would help her live it. She isn't stronger than the average person. She is stronger than the girl she used to be.

And it's ok to not do it alone. It's ok to rely on professional help or need medication or some homeopathic remedy or friends and family. It's ok. It doesn't mean we aren't strong. Asking for help is a sign of strength. It takes bravery to know you cannot do this alone.

Some days, she wakes up and just feels so much compassion for herself and other days, she has to rely on the things people tell her. She has a list of compliments people have given her this past year to read on the days she has lost all faith in herself.

Today she is ready to fly.
Today she doesn't fear the future.
Today she trusts God's plan and knows that whatever happens, she is a fighter.
Also, she sees beauty today. In herself. In the world. In her future.

Becoming a Friend Like my Friends

Yesterday, in our women's meeting at church, my friend gave a lesson that has been on my mind for days, week, and these past few months. Her proposition when she started the lesson: Be thinking of things you've done for others or things others have done for you.

The very first sentence that came to my mind was this: Which of the 3,000 stories should I pick from?

This is the truth, friends. I have thousands of stories. 2,999 of them are stories of what people have done for me.

Since I was holding her sleeping baby who then woke up and started to fuss {ie: screamed because I wouldn't let him run to his momma}, I didn't ever get a chance to raise my hand and contribute the beautiful blessings that replay in my mind daily.

These are all personal stories of how others have helped me so I promise, they are true.

 

Let's start with the main feature on this post: my new family pictures.

 I was elated when my friend decided to squeeze me in to her busy holiday schedule. I wanted updates of my kid and it was equally incredible just to be able to spend time with someone I love so much. She captured what I wanted perfectly and even added a couple of pictures of me in there---not so much what I wanted but something I think I've been needing. :)

 Of course, the very first thing I did when I saw this picture was start to tear myself down. Why do I do that?! But it only took a minute to understand how priceless of a picture this is.
There is so much love here. I'm forever grateful to have these and I'm having a hard time being patient for the rest of the pictures.

#2: The day everything in my life seemed to fall apart. I couldn't face my kids yet and let them see me broken so I drove to my best friend's house. She happened to be pulling out of the driveway and when she saw me, she got out and I noticed she was in a dress. It was a Saturday night so I assumed I had just interrupted date night---I had---but that was ok with her. She was on her way to the temple and I tagged along. I was a 7th wheel on their three-couple date. Seriously, you'd think it would be extremely awkward. It wasn't. They all knew I needed that time. They all knew I needed them. Their husbands seemed to take a step back and let my friends rally around me. I knew they were worried. I felt their love. Somehow, it ended up being an incredible night, not 'the night I ruined their date'. In the end, they paid for my dinner and her husband gave me a Priesthood blessing when we got back. What should always be indented in my brain as a horrible, horrible day will now end with a good memory whenever I think about it.

 #3: Days after that horrible-no-good-day, a friend insisted on coming over to clean my house. Seriously. I was embarrassed and tried to tell her no but she gave me a date and time and she just showed up. Not only did she deep clean my whole house, she wanted me to be able to get out of the house so she organized a group of friends to go with us to Yogurtland that night and she even found me a babysitter.

#4: Same friend, for my birthday, convinced other friends to take me out to lunch. She also convinced these friends to somehow unlock my back door without me noticing when we left. She then cleaned my whole house, top to bottom, and I came home to balloons, a present, and a clean house. It was just what I needed.

#4: How are we only on #4? I feel like I just described what are worth thousands of good deeds. Seriously, these are big, people! Friend finds out about hard things in my life. Next thing I know, it's 11pm and she is on my doorstep with chocolate ice cream and a listening ear.

#5: I text a friend who's gone through similar trials and tell her I just need to talk because I'm having a hard night. I ask if she would be willing to come over at 9am the next morning. It's 10:30pm and the whole thing is a complete scam because I'm texting her this to try and get her to my house at 9am the next morning for her surprise baby shower. I figure it's late enough that her 39-week-pregnant self will not come over and the next thing I know, she texts me saying she is in the driveway. Of course, I had to lie and say we weren't home because I didn't actually need her but it got me all emotional, thinking what she was willing to do for me no matter the time. She chose to give up her last Saturday morning as a mom of 2 with her family to spend the time talking about my problems---even though in the end, we were all in the surprise and she wasn't coming over to help me. :) If you're wondering, the surprise party worked out---barely. Next time, I'll have to come up with a better excuse.

#6, 7, 8, etc: Obviously the same friend as mentioned above has been an incredible listening ear on many other occasions. She comes over, she lets me come over, we meet at the park, etc. It doesn't seem to matter. If I need her, she is somehow always there.

I have tons more stories. I always will. And because my friends are so inspiring to me, I hope to be able to create those same blessings in someone else's life. It is why I've tried to stop judging. It is why I've made it a point to listen to the Spirit when I'm told I need to do something. If you're wondering, I'm not perfect. Just the other day, I hurt someone's feelings by speaking before thinking it through. I make mistakes often. But I want to be the kind of friend my friends are to me so when I make mistakes, I pick myself back up and try again the next day.

If you're in need of a listening ear, contact me. I've got two perfectly good ones and sometimes they even give out decent bits of advice. Just remember how important you are and how much worth you have and remind your friends of their own worth and potential.

How incredible would this world be if we all understood our worth and could see ourselves with the potential God sees in us?

Family Pictures 2011

Hello, all my peeps {and a special hello to my 2 newest followers. Hi!}. More of last weeks updates will have to wait because I have something very important to show you. We took family pictures yesterday and the wonderful Bethany already had some sneak peeks for me today. I am in love with all of them so far and cant wait to get my cd from her.

I was really excited to go with a more "punk" theme this time. Last year, we did yellow and navy blue and the pictures were adorable but when I won a pettiskirt from the fabulous Little Miss Tutu and picked out a zebra/hot pink skirt, I thought it would be fun to go with that idea.

Luckily, Target had the most PERFECT shirt for Spidey to tie in our theme better.
Brother/Sister love is the best!

Seriously, she is my little princess. I used to think that sounded kind of snotty but it's true. That girl is our princess!

Boss and I.

How much more perfect can I family picture get when you have two toddlers?! If only Boss and I were smiling a little bigger. I think our smiles were worn out by then. :)

The runaway.

The crazy but beautiful eyes.

Both Boss and I were cracking up when we saw this picture. These are TOTALLY our children! Silly little kidlets.

Well, I'm sure Ill have tons more of these cuties to share when I pick up the cd but for now, enjoy!

Also, PLEASE go check out Bethany's website. She has an awesome deal going on right now for summer that you are not going to want to miss. Seriously. Go now....or maybe...NOW.

Now?

And that's how Suze sees it.