I am His

I have heard it said many times that Mormons are not Christians.

In fact, I grew up defending my faith and telling my non-LDS friends why I was a Christian. It was my least favorite thing---being told I wasn't something that in fact, I was.

I'm going to be real with you today. My goodness, this realness is a bit scary because I've kept this to some close family and friends but I feel like it's a good time to open up now.

Hi.

My name is Suzanne and I am a Christian. Beyond that, I have yet to figure out what I am or who I am. Actually that's not completely true. I know who I am. I know I am a child of God. I know I am a lovable, laughable, loud, sensitive, compassionate person.

But I am currently attending more than one church---and sometimes, I venture to other churches too.

And today, I tried out a new church and in the middle of the service, they began to talk about Mormons and how they aren't real Christians.

I breathed. I breathed some more. I sighed heavily and I knew it wasn't right.

It wasn't right.

Because whether I am a Mormon or not, Mormons are Christians.
They are.

As a young girl, this argument always confused me because I was taught about Christ every week at church. My daily prayers have Jesus' name in them. I would hear about Jesus Christ and I knew He was real and that He died for me.

I've always been a Christian. I'm not a Christian now that I am attending a contemporary Christian church. I was already a Christian.

And what I know---one of the only things I am completely sure of---is that I want to be like Jesus Christ. I want to be compassionate and loving and patient toward the people who step in and out of my life. I want to see them as children of God. I want to love without judging them.

I often find myself saying "love wins". I understand that this saying became popular when the Supreme Court ruled in favor if same-sex marriage but I don't see it as a same-sex marriage quote. I see a completely bigger picture where love triumphs above all evil and harm and heartache.

There will always be people for us to love.

I can tell you how easy it is to focus inward and feel sorry for the love you've lost and the pain you're feeling. I have struggled deeply with losing people who I trusted my heart with. It is messy and hard.
But I want to pinpoint something much bigger and more powerful---loving others.

Looking outward.

Finding those who may not feel loved and loving them.

Seeing the people who look troubled and smiling at them.

One of my favorite stories in the Bible is the story of the woman who had committed adultery. I have read through this story many times and imagined how I would've felt if a group of people had found out some of my worst sins and taken me in front of my Savior to judge and ridicule me.
I read that story and I get that woman. I understand her. I feel her pain and agony as she fears for what Christ will say or do.
But my favorite part is when He walks up to her and asks her to stop, to repent of her sins. He seems gentle and loving in that moment.
Did He condone her behavior? Nope.
Did He love her? Absolutely.

And then He turns to the people ready to scorn her and He says, "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone." 

Right then and there, the chills start and I feel myself nodding and agreeing. 

Because yes! Do we all not struggle and sin daily? 

It's beautiful. So many things that I stand for can be found right in that Bible story. 

I am a Christian because I believe in Jesus Christ. I know that He was crucified on the cross for me and for you. I know that He was resurrected three days later. 

I know that He lives and that He loves me. 

When I fall short, He picks up my slack. He is my cheerleader and every day, He hopes that I will find happiness and love in my life. 

And I do! There is so much beauty in my life. So. Much. Beauty. 

This struggle has not been easy and I have spent many nights crying on my knees, pleading with God to just give me an easy answer so that I wouldn't be so scared. I didn't want this. I fought it silently for a long time. I struggled alone. 

But then I reached out. I started to become stronger and realize that I am going to be ok. God knows me and He will give me answers when He knows I am ready. He will guide me where I need to be. And if I go the wrong way or I make mistakes along the way, I know He will be there. 

Because really, what I want is a relationship with Him. What I really want is to feel close enough to my God that I can trust Him and not worry about what everyone else will think of me. 

I don't have to have all of the answers right now. In fact, I doubt they will come soon or easily. But I am a daughter of God and He is not ignoring me. I feel so many amazing things happening in my life and among the fear and the worries, I also feel so much love and freedom to be who God wants me to be. 

I am His and that will always come first.  

Just Try Harder

I remember when I first became a stay at home mom back in 2010 and my kids were 2.5 years and 9 months old. I remember thinking to myself that I had it all.
I had a husband who was in school and working. I had gorgeous, healthy children. I had friends. I loved church.
Money didn't matter. We weren't ever rich but I didn't care. We payed our bills. We fed our children.
I was happy.
I had everything I had ever wanted.

It's been 4 years and 3 months since then. Everything has changed. Most of the things I loved don't feel existent right now.

I miss out on so many things with my children. Parties at school, playdates, moments when they just want their mom, etc. I'm not always there. I can't always be there.

I hate it.

I don't hate my job. I don't hate school. But I really, truly find myself resenting divorce because of the many changes.

A lot of the times I can get through the hard moments, trusting that there are also many beautiful moments ahead. I try to stay positive. I try to forgive and not judge and love the people around me.

But I don't always succeed. Today I didn't succeed.

Today it wasn't possible to be tough and hold back the tears like I normally do. I couldn't handle the stress.
I couldn't handle the thought of one more day where my kids would have neither of their parents at a school program to cheer them on.
And then I got a call that Ninja had an accident at school and I cried thinking about everything our divorce has put him through. He isn't as emotionally transparent as his sister but the scars are still there. The accidents and the finger-sucking and the baby talk---they are all signs that he is hurting and scared.

The guilt was weighing heavily on me. And along with the guilt, I was angry at the decisions that placed us all in this position. I thought I had let that all go or that I was at least getting better about letting it go but today it all came back.

Today it felt like a punch in the stomach.

All of these things I didn't choose that have effected my life in some of the most heart-wrenching ways just seem so unfair and messy.

When my heart feels this way, it's really hard to not question God. When everything first went down a year ago, I seriously wondered if He had made a mistake in allowing yet another hard thing into my life. Although I know He doesn't make mistakes, I still doubted my capabilities.

Let me rephrase that---I still doubt my capabilities. I do. It isn't a constant doubt but it shows up from time to time.

I used to wonder why certain people didn't seem as engaged at church or didn't attend every Sunday. I used to find myself wondering and maybe even judging people who were less active. Although I was a defiant teenager, I had never truly experienced those feelings {until this past year} and my lack of understanding caused me to think they must've not been trying hard enough.

It sounds so simple. Just try harder.

I love my church. I have a strong testimony and know that Jesus Christ died for me. But I struggle to feel like I belong. I often feel alone when surrounded by some of the most incredible people in my life who are there for me at church. I hold babies and make comments and sing hymns but it isn't always easy. In fact, a lot of the times it is really hard.

I struggle to keep my children in sacrament meeting. That has always been a challenge with my son. I try to stay patient but we usually end up in the hallways or we go late so I don't have to deal with it.

I struggle to stay in Relief Society---especially when we talk about eternal marriage or families. It is really painful to know you don't have what so many people have. It's hard to feel like people don't understand why you're single. It's hard to hear those lessons and feel like a piece of you is missing because your family is broken. You are no longer the "typical Mormon family".

I struggle to substitute in Primary callings. Because after that first hour of "heaven and hell" all I want to do is drop my kids off and breathe for two hours...and then go home and take a nap.

But I should just try harder, right? That's what I would've told myself a few years ago. I should go to church and set the example for my kids and practice more patience.

There are days I don't want to go to church. There have been moments in the past year where I've decided I wasn't going to go back. My testimony has always gotten me there but it doesn't take the struggles away.

It is possible to have a testimony and not want to go to church.

It is possible to feel an aversion to prayer or scripture study and not be a horrible Mormon.

It is.

I know what I want to teach my children. I still fight most weeks to get us all to church. But it is hard. Being a good Christian no longer looks the same way that it used to in my mind. Being a good Christian means trying---sometimes failing---but getting up and trying again. It means fighting for peace when peace seems nonexistent. It means trying to love myself the way my God loves me---and that includes not beating myself up for missing church or falling asleep without praying.

Although I often have an easier time talking about things "after the fact", I want today to be real. I am staying afloat. I am not swimming like a champion and I am not drowning. I am just struggling to float and not fall any further.

I don't necessarily doubt that we will get through this divorce and stand strong like the warriors that we are but somedays, like today, are just so hard.

I know my kids will see my sacrifices someday. I know they will understand when they are older. I'm just so done with missing out on so many things and feeling so exhausted from trying to be their mom and provide for them and giving myself time to be me.

It's probably not impossible---but it seems impossible today.

No One is Youer than You

 

I've always loved that Dr. Seuss quote, "Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you."

Truth be told, no one is better at being you than you are. Even on the worst of days and especially on the best of days.

I have to admit, there have been many times in my life I've wished to be someone else---someone skinnier, someone richer, someone smarter, etc. When I let my insecurities run my life, I become unhappy with the woman God intended me to be.

Although I don't believe God intended me to be a divorced mother of two when He created me, I know that He intended for me to be brave and strong. I know that He intended for me to fight my battles and love who I am. He knew I was going to go through these things and He placed building blocks along the way to teach me how to deal with them.

I firmly believed in that through my teenage years, miscarriage, marriage trials, infertility, and divorce.
But recently, I lost it. I lost some of my faith in allowing God to be in charge. I lost some of my faith in seeing the plan He has and knowing He can help me feel better. Because it just kept getting harder instead of better.

And hello? Not fair!

Amiright?

I needed a change.

Anger has been the first phase I allowed. When I first started to feel all of my anger, I fought it off because I just don't want to be that person. I want to be happy all of the time. But I have realized that I need to allow my feelings to come OUT so they don't stay in.

So I have been writing my anger out and working on the things that cause me to feel hurt.

Booyah, right?

And vomiting my feelings onto paper really did help me to see a glimpse of the hope I used to have. It also helped me to realize that I cannot do this on my own right now. And that's ok.

It's ok to need help. Ugh. Even writing that sentence kinda made me feel yucky. I still don't like needing help but my heart does tell me that it's ok. If I was giving advice to someone else, I'd tell them it was ok to need help.

So it must be ok for me too.

And thankfully, when I start to really doubt and lose my hope, God sends me little reminders that He loves me and has my back...always and forever. Last week, it was in the form of a song a friend sent me.

That song has become this week's theme song.


I hope you know you're not alone. I hope you know that there is a God and that He loves you for you, not for the choices you've made or the way you look.

Even though that's hard for me to believe all of the time, I'm grateful I can hold onto the things I write in my journal and on this blog of the good days, the days where I can fully see how much better it is that God is in control and not me.

Our Imperfect Perfections

I used to cling to the fact that someone understood my pain when I was in the midst of my infertility trials. I used to imagine Christ suffering for my pain in Gethsemane and it helped me to feel a little less alone. I felt like my situation was so uncommon; two kids conceived quite easily and then a diagnosis of secondary infertility. I felt like no one could understand my pain because it just didn't make sense to anyone. But Christ knows.

Christ wouldn't want us to compare our imperfections to the things talked about on Father's Day or Mother's Day. He would want us to recognize our own personal strengths and celebrate them. Our weaknesses are different and everyone has them. Even though we are weak, we can be amazing human beings. Christ wouldn't want us to feel anything less than amazing.

Those of us with hard marriages (or ended marriages) may have a hard time feeling amazing on these days. We may question why we married an addict or a liar or a man who doesn't treat us right when it seems like everyone around us is living the life we wish we had but I will let you in on my theory of this. I feel like admitting that we struggle is the first step in becoming more of a loving community and world. (I know, I dream big.) Admitting we aren't perfect but that we each have our own uniquely good qualities is a step in the right direction.

I had a discouraged friend today. My friend is married to a man with a pornography addiction. He is a good man. He has an addiction. His addiction doesn't make him a bad man or father. Anyway, in church today, the speaker said these words from the pulpit, "A remarkable man respects women enough to stay away from porn." Dagger-to-heart. I can understand that the speaker was trying to make a point about righteous fathers and the choices they make but the problem is that even righteous fathers struggle! And guess what? Some of them struggle with pornography or sex addiction or alcohol or drugs. Gasp! Good men aren't perfect men.
I have a feeling a lot of fathers left that sacrament meeting feeling discouraged because they were not considered remarkable and I hate that. I hate that sometimes Father's Day or Mother's Day is a day where we list all of the things we should be doing as women and men and instead of finding the things we are personally good at, we start to feel discouraged because we feel like we aren't enough.

I've been thinking about this a lot today as my Facebook feed has blown up with posts about everyone and their wonderful husbands and fathers. I've been thinking about my friends who can't see the greatness in their husbands or fathers because of addiction or other painful circumstances. I feel their hurt. Sacrament meeting was hard for me too. It was hard to hear about the qualities of a righteous father. It was hard to hear wives doting on the amazingness that is their husbands. Because we all deserve that---but we don't all receive it.

But even if it hurt something inside of me, I wouldn't want them to stop. Fatherhood is so incredible and fathers are so important. And it makes me happy that so many people I know have incredible husbands and fathers. That is wonderful!!!

Being on the other side of things makes me more sensitive to the people around me on days such as Mother's Day and Father's Day. I've learned that this year. I've learned how hard these particular days can be for people. I've heard stories of people leaving church feeling discouraged because they just can't measure up to the things that are spoken of on Mother's and Father's Day. I wish I could ease their pain. I wish I could show them that there is hope and happiness ahead. But I can't and you can't. We each have to find these things for ourselves.

But tonight, I hope you know that despite your individual circumstances and your feelings about today, Christ knows you. He knows your pain and He knows your happiness. He knows your heart. You are never alone. He suffered for you and I. It takes an incredible amount of love for someone to do that for each and every one of their brothers and sisters and He did it---because He loves you.

Happy Sad Angry Unfair Grateful

I wanted to make myself get right back on here after that last post and shout from the roof tops how grateful I am for life! I hated leaving things on such a negative note. I always hate doing that. But it was real and I'm trying to just accept that and move on from it.

Moving on means trying to be a better person, a happier person. I succeeded on Monday. Monday was a better day and I knew God had given me that because of my feelings from Sunday. But things go up and down around here. I'm not always happy and I'm not always sad. Some days that are hard still have incredibly happy moments mixed in. It isn't all bad.

I promise.

The memories are still hard. I'm still trying to work through this new phase of hard. It feels different than the others because it isn't just something I can stop or erase. Memories are there forever and blocking them out will do me no good. Trust me, I've successfully done that before and it didn't help.

I keep wondering if we were really happy, if I was really happy. What did that feel like? What changed it? When did it change? Is there something I could've done?

I look at pictures to remind me that I was happy. It wasn't an act. This was real. I was living my dream life, being home with my kids {despite the many opinions of others before and after this big life change}. And the thing is, I still am living that dream life. I didn't have to pick up and go back to work full time. I got lucky that I'm able to be in school full time---even though, at the moment, it doesn't feel lucky because school is hard and a lot of tears have been shed today over that stress. But that is another subject that I hope we never talk about because there would be a lot of whining and feeling sorry for myself.

And the kids were happy. That is another thing I have a hard time fathoming. I have a hard time remembering those days before the added anger and sadness. I have a hard time remembering the differences from before, when life seemed a lot more secure for them. Everyone says that maybe they are just in phases because of their ages and that could be partly true but as their mama bear, I know things have changed in them. I see it. It breaks my heart and I want to take it away.

Petey will often complain about how life isn't fair anymore and you know what? She's right! Life isn't fair for her. It isn't fair to have to choose between your mom and your dad. It isn't fair that most of the time, she only has one of us available to her. It isn't fair that she has to go to bed at night with kisses from one parent and never both. It isn't fair that she had no say in this. There wasn't any way for her to put up a fight or ask us to reconsider and she just doesn't fully understand.

Someday it might make sense to her but today, it isn't fair.

The funniest---or not so funny---part of my last post and the outreaching I received afterward is that I feel that way a lot of the time. There are a lot of hard days and hard nights but I don't like talking about them all of the time. If I'm completely overwhelmed, I talk about the really hard stuff but when I'm in between, I will often shy away from talking because I want to feel normal. Almost all of my friends are married mothers who have husbands that come home at night and I want to feel like I fit in, like I'm not some center of attention because my life is so sad.

I don't think my life is so sad, by the way. I truly don't. The hard will get easier. I believe that 100%. A divorce isn't the worst thing that could've happened to our family. Life changing as it may be, it isn't an end all.

So today, I'm alive and I'm grateful for so many things. On the days or nights that I can't seem to find that gratitude, I will rely on my Heavenly Father to buoy me up and keep me going. I know He loves me. I can tell you that as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, God loves all of us and knows what we need. We are never alone. Ever.

The Story of Suzanne

 Once upon a time, a cute little curly-headed princess was born.

She was a freckly-faced, chunky-cheeked little princess who's attitude was bigger than her.

 She grew up surrounded by loving sisters and the cutest little brother in the whole world.

Life wasn't always easy but she chalked that up to her own choices she had made.

When she got out of high school, she was determined for things to be easier. That never seemed to happen.

It has been 7 years since her wish and she still hasn't been granted that "easy life" she asked for. Instead, she has been given challenges; challenges that sometimes make her angry or discouraged. It seems as though every couple of years, a new challenge surfaces and she thinks, "Now this one I cannot handle." and yet, handle it she does; usually with grace, sometimes with a little bit of crazy mixed in.

For a long time, she wondered why. Why, when she was trying so hard to be a good person, would God give her these challenges? Now she wonders why not. Why not me? If it can happen to anyone, why wouldn't there be a chance that it would happen to me? Don't get me wrong, that doesn't usually take the pain away but it helps her to look outward and see that others are struggling too. It isn't just her. And not only are there others, some of their stories she wouldn't want in a million years.

God gives us what we can handle. He doesn't give us what our neighbor can handle or what our children will be able to handle. He specifically gives us things that we can handle and He helps us every step of the way. We are never alone. You are never alone.

Sometimes, Suzanne forgets, as I'm sure most of us do but luckily, her parents have instilled it in her and she always seems to remember it in her darkest hours.

I wish I could say that Princess Suzanne grows up to be a successful queen that is kind-hearted and loving to others but she's still pretty young---two days away from her 26th birthday to be exact---and she still has a ways to grow up but I have a feeling she'll get there. Every day, she's learning and growing.

The Importance of my Eternal Marriage

Tonight, I want to blog about the thing I am most thankful for at this very moment in time and that is my marriage.

Months ago, I didn't think I'd be married today. My attitude was in the wrong place and I just didn't think I was going to continue on with the eternal commitment I had made. Around the time that my husband decided he didn't want to continue to go to church with our family, I decided that was the final straw. "Poor me", right?

Big. Fat. Wrong.

Let's start with what changed my outlook on this not-so-big-but-seemed-really-huge trial. From the time I was a little girl, I judged those who stopped coming to church. I thought it was the end of the world for their happiness and for the happiness of their family members. I knew nothing like that would ever happen to me because I wouldn't be able to handle it (Kind of how I viewed infertility before becoming an infertile person. Ironic? I think not.).
The morning my husband told me he didn't have a testimony and wanted to stop going to church with us, I thought it was all over. I was angry and scared. I cried more in those first weeks than I did when I was diagnosed with infertility. I would write little odd things on my blog about going through something really hard but I didn't want everyone to know what was happening. It was hard feeling alone and I will forever be grateful to my best friend/sister who was the only one I really talked to in those weeks. I didn't feel like this was something we were going to be able to get through. I didn't feel strong enough to handle this.
But one day, things started changing. I began to view my husband as a child of God. I began to see this as his trial and realize that I am here to love him and support him. I realized this not-really-my-trial should have never had a 'poor me' sticker attached to it. I started realizing that my husband didn't feel like he is a child of God and that began to make me sad. Que this post. I hoped by some miracle that this trial would last weeks for him but such is not the case. Boss is figuring out his life and in the mean time, he is the best husband a girl could ask for.

What I've learned through this is that my eternal marriage is more important than what is happening at this very moment. There are days that are hard. There are days I'm worried probably more than you can even imagine {or at least I hope so}. There are days I want it all to end. But just like anything else in life, even on my hardest days, I've learned to trust in God's plan for our family. He knows what our life is and where it is going. I have faith that He will never leave me when I'm feeling lonely. He loves me. He loves Boss. And He wants us to be together forever. And guess what? I want us to be together forever too.

Everyone has trials. Everyone is dealing with something of their own. There have been many times I've been afraid that our family is being judged, just as I did to others as a kid, but what I've learned is that all I can do is make sure I'm not judging others. We don't know every personal story of everyone around us so why do we judge them for what we see on the outside?

If I could ask for one thing this holiday season it would be for more love. Not love for me but for my husband and for all of the others who are struggling to find out who they are, just as he is. I would ask that you reach out to someone you know and just love them. Don't judge them. Don't try to force them to do something. Just love them. Unconditionally love them as God loves all of us. I can bet you anything that God doesn't look at Boss and others and think, "Wow, you're making a stupid decision right now. How dumb! How frustrating!" He gets sad because He wants His children to know of His love but all He does is keep on loving us and hoping that we'll recognize and feel it. That's what I pray we can all do for someone close to us.

I am so thankful for my family and for the knowledge I have of God's love for me. I am thankful for the abundance of blessings in my life. I am grateful to know that no matter what trials come my way, I have faith that I can get through anything with God by my side.

And that's how Suze sees it.

I am a Child of God

 

I know I am a child of God. I know that I have worth. I know I am special. And so are you.

If I could have one wish, it would be that every single human being could see themselves as God sees us all and that they could all feel of His love. {Ok, fine, so that was two wishes...}

I hope you know that you are a child of God.

I hope you know that you have worth.


And that's how Suze sees it.

I'm a Mormon

On Monday, I went out to lunch with my kids and unfortunatly found myself sitting at a table next to a group of businessmen and two women, all looking to be in their early 30's. After settling down and getting my kids their food, I heard one of them say the word "Mormon" and my ears perked up. Then for the next 30 minutes, I had the misfortune of listening to them talk horribly about Mormons, give reasons as to why we are not Christians, laugh about how they bullied a Mormon guy that they knew, and call us idiots.

So I'm here to tell you why I'm a Mormon and help you get to know me.

One thing that stood out to me when these people were talking was when one of the guys said that we are snobs and freaks because we try to make ourselves different than the rest of the world. Well, let me explain to you why I try to be different.

This world is a scary place. Girl's clothing is getting skimpier. Divorce is at a seriously high rate. It is becoming normal to have sex and live with your boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance before marriage. Drugs and alcohol have become something that most people do or at least have tried. And Sunday has just become another day of the week.

So if not making the choices that I mentioned in the above paragraph make me a freak, then heck yes, I'm a freak! I will proudly be a freak if it means living my life to a higher standard than what is considered "normal".

But in all seriousness, I am not a freak. Just because I choose to not have sex before marriage and I choose to make sure my clothing covers my body, I am still a normal person. I still have feelings. I still laugh and joke and I still cry and hurt.

What makes me the most sad about the conversation I overheard was that these people were claiming to be Christians and were claiming that I am not a Christian. In my eyes, a Christian is a follower of Christ. It is someone who decides to do as Jesus would do and try to pattern their life after his. Since Jesus Christ was perfect, I can guarantee to you that he never bullied anyone. I can guarantee he didn't talk badly about others. So we, as Christians, should be trying our best to do the same.

I cannot think of a time in my life where I have called someone an idiot because of their religious preference. I cannot think of a time that I wasted an entire lunch hour talking horribly about someone else's religion. I also cannot think of a time that I thought bullying was funny.

So even though I am not a perfect person, I try to be a good Christian. I try to do as Christ would do and love everyone. I make mistakes every day but I pick myself back up and try again the next day.

If you want to know more about who I am as a Mormon, just ask. Don't assume. I am no freak. I am just a person who believes in my church and believes in the standards that I live.

And that's how Suze sees it.