My Perfect Life

 Summer is an incredibly disgusting and beautiful time.

I hate the heat. I can hardly stand it most days. I always feel sweaty and dirty. I can't allow the kids outside as much. It's just annoying and gross.
But then there's the element of fun. School is out. The kids are home with me and we spend a lot more time together. We take vacations and learn new things and fill our nights with sleepovers and late bedtimes.

The way I feel about summer is the way I feel about life.

It's hard and stupid and amazing, sometimes all at the same time.
I can go from irrational fear to giggling in minutes. {This does not make me crazy...or maybe it does.}

Sometimes the days are extremely, painfully long while other times, they seem to pass by too quickly.

 I think that's why I've always loved Glennon from Momastery's description of life as my "messy beautiful".

Because it is both.

The sun can be shining and the birds can be singing but sometimes, everything around me feels so dark.

There are afternoons where a storm will sweep in and instead of allowing the clouds to hover over me and dim the light, I go out and dance in the rain.

 It's been amazing to be able to mix the things I'm learning in school with my every day life.

Because I used to feel so ashamed when I would have meltdowns. I used to think adults didn't do that. I used to think hard days made me weaker.

They don't.

The ability to talk about the hard stuff and allow my emotions to go to those dark places sometimes is actually a strength.
I don't often stay in the dark but it's ok to visit. In fact, visiting the dark places helps me to brighten the light places.
And if I do end up staying there for a while, that's ok too. It's ok to feel weighed down by life. Life is hard. It's ok to feel anger and sadness and fear. All of those things are valid.

 I just try and make sure that whatever emotions I'm feeling, I allow them to stay for however long it feels productive. Once those emotions become unproductive and even destructive, then I reach out to others to help me reset.

 The beauty of life is that we CAN reset. We don't have to be stuck. We have the opportunity to change if we really want to.

Among the sadness that I feel, I also feel so much joy. I feel so grateful to be alive, to be living out many of my dreams right now.

On my hard days, I try to remember the good stuff too. I try to remember that even though there seems to be a lot of bad, there is even more good.

Life won't ever be perfect, although that'd be super nice. It won't always be rainbows and sunshine and butterflies. But maybe that wouldn't be "the perfect life".

Maybe life is perfect. Because life is doing exactly what it was intended to do. Life is teaching me and pushing me to grow and allowing me the ability to feel compassion for others. Life is giving me hard days and easy days, happy memories and messy ones, and even though it doesn't always feel perfect---maybe it is. Maybe this is a perfect life.

 I guess until now, I've never really thought of it that way.

When I look back on the events in my life, the hardest ones have taught me the most. I hate saying that because my goodness, I do NOT want hard things to come my way, but I can recognize the growth within myself.

I can look back on the little girl that I was and how much love and compassion I had for other people. I know I talk about how hard I was as a kid but the truth is, I was an amazing little girl. And I'm not being sarcastic. I was often worried about other people and trying to help others. But I didn't have the knowledge or patience that I have now. I wasn't mature enough to hold my tongue when angry words were ready to spill over.

And although I'm not perfect at it now, I try really hard to be the type of person that loves others, even those who hurt my heart.

My kids and I got to have a short conversation about this today. As we were leaving church, I saw a lady whom I truly admire and I called out to her and told her she was gorgeous. As soon as we got in the car, my little girl asked why I had said that and I told her it was because this lady is one of my heroes. She may not know that I look up to her but I do. Princess asked why I like her so much and I said, "Because she is so kind to everyone around her and that is the type of person I want to be."

And it's the truth. I want to be kind and loving, patient and slow to anger. I want to see others how Heavenly Father sees them.

And maybe it sounds easy on paper but it isn't. I still find myself getting frustrated when I'm feeling misunderstood by someone. It isn't easy to hold my tongue when others are saying hurtful things.

But it's a process. In this perfectly messy life that I live, I am slowly becoming the person that I want to be.

Days Like Today

 Oh today.

Today felt amazing.

Strong. Happy. Peaceful. Capable. Hilarious.

The only bumps in today consisted of two separate whining sessions from my favorite 6 year old---and both of them ended in giggles and huge belly laughs. In fact, I even saw some tears in her eyes.

It felt like freedom. Freedom from anxiety. Freedom from heartache. Freedom from the millions of worries that often plague my mind.

We woke up on time. Nobody complained about what I made them for breakfast. I got my girly off to school and my son to my sister's house and I headed to school.

School was awesome today. I spoke up about my eating disorder in Sociology. I rocked the hell outta my Geology lab. I understood every single thing in math class.

After school pick-up ran smoothly. I had some extra time to talk to Princess' teacher and I was reassured of her love for my daughter. We stopped at Chik-Fil-A for a snack and I let P do her homework there---and she finished it in less than 10 minutes.

No complaints. No whining. Just family life.

 We dropped P off at dance and came home for some quiet time. Ninja had earned Kindle time and I fell asleep on the couch for a few minutes.

Any time a worry would come into my mind, I was able to shut it down with logic and patience.
You guys, I was patient with myself!

We ate dinner as a family. We read books together. The kid took turns showering and bedtime was a breeze.

And now I'm sitting in bed thinking, "Was today real?". At first, I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure it was possible to have a day that could run this smoothly.

But I decided that today was my gift from God.

He knows me. He loves me.

I am worthy of days like today. 

Hard, Happy, Selfish, Angry, Faithful, Grumpy, Beautiful

Today is a hard day to explain.

I've had many low days---a lot of them in the past 2 weeks.
I didn't think it would be possible to pull through. Two weeks ago, I looked at my future and it didn't look bright.
I couldn't handle these new truths. I couldn't handle the reality that I'm learning has been the past 6 years of my life. I just couldn't do it.

Too painful. Too hard. Too real.

But three days ago, I hit a breaking point. I realized I am not this girl! I'm not the girl who breaks down in church on Mother's Day because she is so grumpy about her current life. I am not the girl who is inconsiderate of others' feelings because I'm so busy wrapped up in my own sad world. I am not the girl who acts selfishly instead of serving others.
I'm just not.
I'm not saying I'm perfect but I've always found joy in helping others and it's always been something that I love to do.

I had a wake up call that snapped me out of this hatred that has started to fester in my heart. I am not going to give in to Satan! I am not going to abandon my faith and my kind-hearted nature (Are you laughing about that last part? I swear, I try to have a kind heart.).

Monday, I fought. I fought so well that I wondered if this would just be easy.
But Tuesday was harder. Tuesday took a little bit more out of me when I fought---but fight, I did.
And today has been one of the best days I've had in a LONG time. Because today, I don't question my faith in God and I don't question my heart. There are too many explanations that made up today being a great day and I won't go into them.

But I am grateful; grateful for a day of peace, grateful for hope, and grateful for the people in my life. I know I talk about "the people in my life" often. The funny thing is, they aren't always the same people. Heavenly Father knows who I need when I need them and someone always seems to be there who can help me through whatever crap I'm going through.

I cannot deny God's hand in any of this. I just cannot.

After such a wonderful day, I signed onto the computer and was staring at images of my Petey from her recent birthday photoshoot and I just couldn't help but be amazed that I've been a mother for almost six years now.

Through all of the trials and all of the heartbreak, I know I am where I need to be right now. Being a mother is the most important thing in my life and I often am in awe that my Heavenly Father gave me THESE kids---because although they aren't perfect, they are perfect for me.

I love life today. I wasn't sure if I would ever fully feel that way again. I can guarantee you I will still struggle but tonight, I am overwhelmed with how much I love my life---my current life.

An Attitude of Gratitude

Today I have an overwhelming amount of gratitude for life.

When President Uchtdorf talked about living through our trials and finding gratitude, Satan was sitting close by and whispering to me, "You aren't doing enough. You are a complainer. You whine about your life so tell me exactly how you are grateful at all." He started to win as I was ferociously writing words to try and remember so I could learn how to be a grateful person. I started to feel unworthy and bad about some of my posts lately because they didn't show my gratitude.
And then almost instantaneously, I received two text messages from separate people, telling me they were thinking of me during his talk and how thankful they were that I was an example of gratitude for them.
It was God's reminder to me that when I have bad thoughts, they are from Satan. God doesn't ever tell me I am ungrateful or unworthy of love because I complain. He shows me what I'm good at.
On the other hand, Satan takes what I'm good at and tries to belittle it.

Today I am thankful for a loving Father in Heaven who knew I was getting lost for a second during a talk that was supposed to be empowering me. I'm thankful He sent two earthly angels to remind me that I'm doing ok and I'm extremely grateful that those two people were listening to God when they were prompted to send me those texts, whether they recognized it as that or not.

I feel so lonely so much of the time but God always sends me what I need, when I need it. It's when I recognize His hand in my life that I realize I am anything but alone.

Happy Sad Angry Unfair Grateful

I wanted to make myself get right back on here after that last post and shout from the roof tops how grateful I am for life! I hated leaving things on such a negative note. I always hate doing that. But it was real and I'm trying to just accept that and move on from it.

Moving on means trying to be a better person, a happier person. I succeeded on Monday. Monday was a better day and I knew God had given me that because of my feelings from Sunday. But things go up and down around here. I'm not always happy and I'm not always sad. Some days that are hard still have incredibly happy moments mixed in. It isn't all bad.

I promise.

The memories are still hard. I'm still trying to work through this new phase of hard. It feels different than the others because it isn't just something I can stop or erase. Memories are there forever and blocking them out will do me no good. Trust me, I've successfully done that before and it didn't help.

I keep wondering if we were really happy, if I was really happy. What did that feel like? What changed it? When did it change? Is there something I could've done?

I look at pictures to remind me that I was happy. It wasn't an act. This was real. I was living my dream life, being home with my kids {despite the many opinions of others before and after this big life change}. And the thing is, I still am living that dream life. I didn't have to pick up and go back to work full time. I got lucky that I'm able to be in school full time---even though, at the moment, it doesn't feel lucky because school is hard and a lot of tears have been shed today over that stress. But that is another subject that I hope we never talk about because there would be a lot of whining and feeling sorry for myself.

And the kids were happy. That is another thing I have a hard time fathoming. I have a hard time remembering those days before the added anger and sadness. I have a hard time remembering the differences from before, when life seemed a lot more secure for them. Everyone says that maybe they are just in phases because of their ages and that could be partly true but as their mama bear, I know things have changed in them. I see it. It breaks my heart and I want to take it away.

Petey will often complain about how life isn't fair anymore and you know what? She's right! Life isn't fair for her. It isn't fair to have to choose between your mom and your dad. It isn't fair that most of the time, she only has one of us available to her. It isn't fair that she has to go to bed at night with kisses from one parent and never both. It isn't fair that she had no say in this. There wasn't any way for her to put up a fight or ask us to reconsider and she just doesn't fully understand.

Someday it might make sense to her but today, it isn't fair.

The funniest---or not so funny---part of my last post and the outreaching I received afterward is that I feel that way a lot of the time. There are a lot of hard days and hard nights but I don't like talking about them all of the time. If I'm completely overwhelmed, I talk about the really hard stuff but when I'm in between, I will often shy away from talking because I want to feel normal. Almost all of my friends are married mothers who have husbands that come home at night and I want to feel like I fit in, like I'm not some center of attention because my life is so sad.

I don't think my life is so sad, by the way. I truly don't. The hard will get easier. I believe that 100%. A divorce isn't the worst thing that could've happened to our family. Life changing as it may be, it isn't an end all.

So today, I'm alive and I'm grateful for so many things. On the days or nights that I can't seem to find that gratitude, I will rely on my Heavenly Father to buoy me up and keep me going. I know He loves me. I can tell you that as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, God loves all of us and knows what we need. We are never alone. Ever.

It Isn't My Fault

I get really self-involved sometimes. It gets hard to see past my tunnel vision of "life". Sometimes, life seems really long and other times, it seems like I've blinked and am where I am today.

When I'm self-involved, I can feel myself spiraling downward. There is a lot of self-pity, self-doubt, and a non-existence of self-worth during this time. I doubt every move I've made and wonder what I could've done differently. I did this a lot when I was first diagnosed with infertility. I doubted my food choices, my exercise choices, my every-day-small-and-simple choices because I just knew that this was happening because of something I did. I told myself it was my fault.  

I'm not going to sit here and advocate for you to doubt yourself or tear yourself down but I will say this. Everytime I do this, I end up learning so much about myself and I usually end up with more admiration for myself in the end. It still isn't good. I still wish I could figure out how to heal without blaming myself for everything that goes wrong in my life. I wonder why I do this because when my head is on straight, I can clearly see that my trials aren't happening because I'm living life wrong. It isn't all my fault.

I can honestly say that I'm grateful for my infertility. I'm grateful for most of my trials. I learn a lot from them. I wouldn't be this certain Suzanne who is typing this without the trials that I've gone through.

Does that mean I am happy about my trials and the heartache they've cause? Nope. I think there is a big difference between loving your trials and being grateful for them. I'd do it over again to learn what I have but I wouldn't love the process. The process is hard. It's hard work trying to weed through the hard times we face in life. It's hard to have faith at all times and not to let our minds wander to the 'why's'.

But the thing is, life just isn't fair.

We look at others and envy what they have but the silliest part is that we have no idea how their journey has been to get there. And it may even seem as though their journey has been easy but who flipping cares?! God gives us what we need to learn and grow in life. He doesn't make everything equal for everyone so feeling sorry for ourselves when we're envious of others does no one any good. Actually, it just makes things worse.

I'm often self-conscious and try to tip toe around others because I don't want to come across as the loud, annoying, and sometimes crazy girl. But guess what? I am loud. I am crazy. And gosh darnit, sometimes I'm annoying. But I'm me. I know I'm also sensitive and caring and compassionate. I love laughing and making others laugh.

So my goal is to let go of my fears and really embrace my New Year's resolution for this year. There were reasons I chose the word "brave" and I want to accomplish that this year. I want to be brave enough to be myself and not worry about what other people think of me.

What matters is what I think of me and what God thinks of me.

And all of this goes for you as well. Love you. Be the real you. I can bet you'll find you're happier in doing so.

2014: Day 23

Day 23: Something that makes you feel better

So it is probably a secret to you that I haven't been dealing with life super effectively lately. And I'm serious by that. I have tried to keep it to myself because I'm sick of having my emotions be a rollercoaster. I'm hoping that this is the lowest low point and that I can soon find my way out and trust again, love myself again, and love everything about my life.

But in the meantime, while I struggle, there are many things that help me to recognize what I have and feel a little bit better but one in particular that never ceases to help me in my daily life.

I am a mother.

My children are the best part of me. I identify as a mother more than I have ever identified with something in my life. When I'm feeling down, I am reminded that they are my biggest blessing and also my biggest priority. School gets busy, filling out paper work and figuring our future out is busy, all of the extra curricular activities are busy---but my children are my priority in all of that. I'm glad that I have them and I'm even glad that they have me, even though it's hard to recognize my own worth sometimes {or a lot of the time}.

Petey is such a 'pick me up' type girl. She is really good at sensing others' feelings and she wants to help them. She reminds me of me as a kid. I was very sensitive to others feelings and wanted my friends to feel loved. She is also just like me in the fact that she craves love and attention and I am so glad I get to be there for her and give her that whenever I can.

Spidey is our jokester. Sometimes, I'll be putting myself down or feeling bad about life right now and Spidey says the WEIRDEST things. It doesn't matter what type of mood I'm in, Spidey can always make me laugh. I remember saying that about him as a baby and saying that he would be that little kid that could brighten up a room and I was right. He is exactly that. Spidey brings a lot of challenges into my life as well and I pray that I can be the mother he needs me to be.

I pray for both of my kids. I pray for anyone else who has ever felt how I feel. Feeling defeated and beat down just doesn't feel good. I know I'll bounce back. I know I can do hard things. But sometimes, hard things are harder than we expected and new challenges arise often. I take one day at a time right now and focus on the things that matter most---my family, my religion, and school.

I can do this. We can do this.

2014: Day 18

Day 18: My favorite birthday.

This post will also be short because I feel like I just posted about this! Oh yeah, two months ago I did.

Who would've thought that this past year, the number 26 would be celebrated with the most selfless, caring friends of mine?

I feel like it was better than a surprise party. It was a day filled with little surprises and wonderful friends.

Some friends took me out to lunch and secretly unlocked my back door before we left so another friend could come clean my entire house.

It was big. It may not sound big but it was big.

The incredible amount of love I felt on my birthday this past year was an indescribable feeling. It should've been my worst birthday. In fact, I was gearing up for it to be my worst birthday. I was alone so naturally, I expected to feel alone on my birthday.

But that day and so many others these past 5 months, I've felt anything but alone.

26 was my favorite birthday because of the people who love me. I hope I'm making a difference in someone's life like they constantly are in mine.

2014: Day 6

 Today's challenge seemed simple: write about my day. But since the day isn't over and this is my time to write, I want to tell you about yesterday.

Sundays are usually wonderful. Having three hours of spiritual lessons and being surrounded by loving, supportive people is usually a great way start my day off right. But yesterday was better than my normal Sunday. The kids were with their dad so church was all about focusing on the feelings in my heart.

One of my closest friends found out last week that her husband has cancer. He's in his 30's. They have two young children. I've known her for 4 years now and it breaks my heart to see them going through this trial. So yesterday, I fasted for her husband along with most of our ward and their families. I've been feeling so helpless for her and this was a way for me to ask God to help them in ways that I can't. I came home from church having more faith than ever before that they can get through this.

This particular friend has already taught me so much about loving and serving. She has been there for me during some really dark times. When I was sad on Christmas Eve, I got a text from her, inviting me to spend the evening with her family. Maybe she knows it, maybe she doesn't but it's the little things that have made the biggest difference.

So I was feeling great all afternoon. I got to my parents for dinner and I was surrounded by siblings, nieces, nephews, and friends. Sunday dinners are usually great memories. I was anxious to see my kids since they've been gone for 2.5 days so as soon as it was time, I drove to go pick them up.

I've always loved Boss' family. They've always welcomed me as part of the family and I love being around them. Last night was no exception. It made my heart happy to see my kids running around with cousins and second cousins. Nothing is better than seeing real smiles on my childrens' faces.

Icing on the cake to my already wonderful day?

I think so.

The last quote below is something I've been feeling often lately.

God is ever present in my life. I'm so thankful to everyone and everything He places in my life. He gives me second chances and believes in me. Even when I don't feel like I deserve it, miracles happen in my life that cause me to look up and say, "I know that was you, God. Thank you."

2014: Day 3

 My Parents:

Let me ask you one simple question, does it get any better than having your dad be your children's pediatrician?

Ok, I'm mostly kidding because there are so many other reasons I'm grateful for my dad but it sure doesn't hurt that he can give me medical advice whenever I need it.

I am the 4th child {and 4th daughter} in my family. I wish I had a million stories about my childhood for you because I'm sure there were many but I don't remember much about growing up. I was a really hard kid and as an early adult, that really embarrassed me so I never really talked about my 'young years'. I still have some funny stories but a lot of them are stories I've heard over and over throughout the years.

But alas, it was still a great childhood. My parents were troopers getting through raising me and still choosing to have 2 more children younger than me.

As a teenager, when my relationship was the furthest from my parents, I never could have imagined having a really close relationship with them. But something changed in all of us when my parents sent me to ANASAZI when I was four months shy of 18 years old. ANASAZI taught us all so many things about ourselves. I learned to trust my parents and they learned to trust me. I felt important and loved again. I learned how to be a trustworthy person and how to be more respectful.

Well, now I'm all old and grown up :) and I couldn't imagine not having my parents in my life. They are wonderful. They are extremely supportive of everything I do.

And aren't they just so darn cute together? Yes, it's true, old people love is gross, but they seem to pull it off pretty well.

In their lifetime, they've had 6 children---5 biological and 1 specially picked.
2 of those children are special needs and my mom is the best mom for those 2 children
4 weddings to help plan
10.75 grandchild
26 years of my dad in practice as a pediatrician
Probably a thousand different vacations {mostly on their own}---they've taken us to Hawaii twice, Alaska twice, San Diego, Carlsbad, Texas, and many other cities and states I can't remember. Those ones are just more recent.

I hope to someday look back and see that I've built a life like my parents. They've accomplished so much together.

I feel like the luckiest girl in the world that they are mine. Obviously, they gave me my crazy and I can't thank them enough for that. I love laughing with my family and playing games with them. We get together as a family often and I love it!

Really, they're just awesome. The end. Period. Done. No arguments.

2013 Review Extravaganza: The Last 6 Months

Well, I crapped out on last week's review extravaganza because it was an extremely hard week for me {more on that in another post} so I decided to make this week's review of the last 6 months. Is that even allowed? Apparently it is since I'm doing it.

July:

July was one of the easiest months this year. Ironically, I wouldn't name it our best month but I sure as heck had no idea what would become of the months after.

I wrote one of my favorite blog posts of the year on self worth and how my perspective had started to change.

 Petey was working so hard in dance and was becoming quite flexible, especially for a little girl who was not born with a flexible bone in her body.

My business was in it's starting stages.

 We were even crazy enough to paint Petey's room "Pepto Bismol Pink" to match her beloved Hello Kitty bedding. She still loves it just as much as she did the day we started.

August:

 My princess had her first day of Kindergarten and looking at the above picture still tugs at my heart strings.

 Petey's flexibility improved even more in August when she mastered her "tummy roll" she had been learning in acro/tumbling class. That girl is determined. If she sets her mind on something, she will do it.

Unfortunately, I didn't blog the entire rest of August. I couldn't bring myself to lie and say that everything was fine but it wasn't yet appropriate to talk about our separation and possible divorce. August was an extremely lonely month for me. I was surrounded by some of the most incredible people but there were so many hardships I was beginning to face.

September:

 I took my boy camping while his sister had her first overnight with her dad. It was an extremely, wonderfullly hard weekend without her but I'm learning how to deal with them being gone more often. Kind of. It's still really hard. Maybe next year I'll get used to it?

I wrote another one of my favorite posts of the year about attaining happiness amidst trials. Going back and reading that was extremely powerful. The timeline of that post was about a month after my husband and I separated. It was also around the time that I knew where that separation was leading us. I find happiness in knowing I am a child of God. No matter my trials, I know I have a divine purpose.

Another post that stuck out to me in September was my feelings through music. I don't think I realized back then that anger was starting to settle in. I see it now and understand it is a normal part of the grief process.

October:

 In October, my baby turned 4. I still can hardly believe he isn't a baby anymore. Four is just way too old. :)

I wrote about the story of Suzanne.

 And we celebrated Halloween by taking my friends FOUR children for 3 days. That was an adventure I'll never forget. :)

November:

 Petey had her first dance team performance at the Arizona State Fair. Even though she looks way too old with all that make up, she was a rockstar and did absolutely amazing.

 My friends and I did the ROC (Ridiculous Obstacle Course) Race. Oh my goodness, was it fun! I am so lucky to have the best friends ever who make life so very interesting. :)

One of my favorite posts in November was this one on judging others. "Good choices don't always equal good consequences right away. Sometimes it takes a little bit of pain before we get to feel the good."

I blogged about our annual tradition of attending Time Out for Women with my sisters and mom.

I talked about how I'm freaking awesome.

I talked about how amazing my friends are.

I even mentioned One Direction in a roundabout way.

November ended with a post on why I'm thankful for my life.

Wow, apparently I had a lot of blogging on my mind in November. :)

November was also the month my amazing friend took some pictures of my kids and I. They are absolutely gorgeous and I will forever be grateful to her for these pictures.

December:

December started with a post about believing in myself. Oh wait, did I not mention I also started school in August? Literally the same week of our separation? And did I not mention I finished all 4 of my classes with good grades and am ready to rock another semester in January? Oh I didn't? Well, I can't believe I skipped over that. Starting school was a big deal for me. I have a long ways to go but I'll get there.

In December, you'll find another good post on surviving trials. This isn't something I've done---it's something I'm currently doing.

You will also find one of my "most read" blog posts on the loss of tradition. It was hard to wrap my mind around not having my kids on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning but I'm here to tell you that we survived and it was a really great Christmas.

If there's anything I've learned this year, it is to have faith. Faith was actually my "word" for the year and it couldn't be more fitting. I know God has a divine purpose for me. I know I am His daughter. I also know He doesn't keep us from feeling heartache and pain. We have free agency and we get to choose whether we are going to be happy or angry or sad with our lives. My goal is to choose happiness.

Thanks for another great year, Emmy Mom. I love recapping with you year after year. :)

Push Past the Hard and Find the Good

The truth seems plain. I can do hard things. But sometimes, it just isn't as simple as that sentence.

Yes, I know I can do hard things. I know I am brave and strong and able to take on anything life throws my way. But I'm not always able to do it right away.

Numerous times this week, I've had people call me an inspiration, brave, strong, and positive. I appreciate every single one of those comments, even though they sometimes feel out of place because I don't always feel brave and strong and positive and I especially don't feel like an inspiration. But if my words have inspired you, I am immensely grateful for that.

Part of my purpose of blogging is selfish. I love to write and writing is like therapy for me. But there is another purpose that is near to my heart and that is helping you. If I could help one person through the words on my blog, this is all worth it. Well, either way it's worth it {Remember? Lover of writing?} but helping you is the cherry on top.

When I look in the past, present, and future, it is easy to feel overwhelmed with life because sometimes, life is really hard. It is easy to feel like it will never get better, or ask why did this happen to me? but it is possible to push past the hard and find the good.

So how do we get there? How do we even begin to find the good when we are so overwhelmed with the bad?

I believe it's different for everyone. Everyone handles the good and the bad differently. Everyone feels differently.

For me, it started with service. I've already mentioned how something as simple as taking cookies to a neighbor helped me out of my funk. One thing that helped me through infertility and continues to help me is holding babies. My friends are all having babies right now {That's water I won't be drinking for a long time} and often times, I'd describe it as service when I help them with their babies. Sometimes, it's purely selfish but most of the time, I do it because I know they need it. I remember what it was like to have a 16 month old and a newborn. Wow, talk about doing hard things. It was extremely hard for a while and I had tons of family around to help ease that anxiety for me.

So is that it? Does service make our pain completely disappear? No, it doesn't. Service eased my pain and helped me to grieve in a way that was conducive to my life. It didn't make everything better.

Another thing I'm learning right now is that some grief just takes time. There is no magical button or healing power that takes it away in an hour, a day, or a week. Healing is a process.

Often times, I've been surprised by my reaction to things. When infertility hit, I was a freakin' mess. Seriously. I was a mess for about a year and around the time that I started to figure out my emotions, my marriage was having issues. Ha. So funny, right? Then, I dealt with that and learned how to figure those emotions out. And gosh golly, by the time I figured those emotions out and thought my marriage was fixed, I was left single. And yes, I cried. I still cry. But part of me just wanted to laugh. The twisted sense of humor in me thought this was all really funny. So...what's it gonna be next year, huh? Is this really happening all over again? How do I overcome this?

That last question is so important. A part of me wondered that for a while. How do I overcome this? I'm not strong enough to handle this! But I already knew the truth. I knew I was strong enough. You see, after the infertility and everything else that's happened in my life, I knew I could handle this. I had already done hard things. I could do them again. I certainly didn't want to and I still don't---but I can.

And I will.

Overcoming these obstacles is sometimes an icky, sticky mess because we feel lost or trapped. It's hard to find your way out with the tunnel vision we were all born with. It's hard to see the bigger picture and have faith that you'll get to your final destination someday. It sure is easy to doubt and to fear.

For me, fear is what I struggle with. Fear of inadequacy, fear of failure, fear of being alone forever, etc. These are things I deal with daily. I struggle to picture the end result of school because I don't think I'll ever be smart enough to get into a masters program or be brave enough to start my own practice someday. I fear divorce because I don't want to ruin my childrens' lives. I fear losing my friendships. I fear that one day, they'll all be gone---because I'm crazy---and I will feel even more alone.

Laurel Christensen at Time Out for Women talked a lot about our fears and not letting them run our lives. God wants us to have faith. Satan wants us to have fears. This is sometimes hard for me to decipher because I have so many fears in my life. I try so hard to trust the plan that God has for me but sometimes, I lose it.
Sometimes, it's easier to focus on today and what I want today. Sometimes, my selfish desires make it hard to focus on the future and what is best for my life as a whole. So to put my faith before my fear, I pray a whole lot. I trust a lot. I remember who I am and my divine purpose. These are things I know will help keep me on the path I want to be on. I don't always succeed. Actually, so many times in my life, I've insisted on doing things the hard way and learning from my mistakes. The good is still possible to find but it's a lot harder that way.

When we feel lost or angry, it is easy to feel like we should give up. These are the times we need God the most. Giving up is not the answer. There is always good to be found. I promise, there just is. Fight for that good. It is worth it!

My hope for this week is that you find that good I know is in your life. Find it and focus on it. Remember it. Be thankful for it.
I always feel so much better about my life when I focus on that good God has given me.

It is always there. Sometimes you just have to search harder than other times.

Surviving Trials

Sometimes, it just boggles my mind how many things I've "survived" that I swore I could never survive.
Where is my life? You know, that one I had planned from when I was a little girl?
It's completely non-existent and in it's place is the beautiful {but completely opposite} life I currently live.
There are days where I'm smiling for no apparent reason and I think, "But why?! Why are you smiling? You shouldn't be able to smile right now."
But the truth is, I should be smiling right now. I should've been smiling a year ago. And I also should've been smiling two years ago. Etc. Etc. Etc...
Happiness doesn't come from what my life looks like on the outside; happiness is something that has evolved within my heart and soul. Nobody gets to take it away from me. Ever.

"Happiness is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ." And yes, that is a link.
That quote has always been one of my favorites. In my darkest hours, I can wade through the thick, uninviting fog and find my way to sunshine. It is always there. The sunshine I refer to is a never-changing commitment that Christ made when he suffered for our sins. Not just yours, not just mine---ours. Everyones'. He is the only person who knows "to the T" what I am feeling so who better to turn to?

And let me tell you, this isn't some gimmick where I tell you my life is perfect because I am a Mormon and we're all just happy and perfect and the best homemakers everrr.
That is a sincere lie.
First of all, I'm a crappy homemaker. I know that. I hate cooking. I have to force myself to clean.
Second of all, trust me when I tell you I'm not always happy. It doesn't work that way. Every day, I work hard to achieve my happiness. And some days, it doesn't come. Some days are just crap. Some days I scream into my pillow and then punch it 50 times.
But I don't let days like that determine how I feel about my life as a whole.
That is my point.
I'm not here to tell you that it's bad to be angry or sad or depressed. "Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are." I'm also not here to tell you that happiness is something I'm great at! It's hard work for me right now.
But if you're struggling like I'm struggling or have ever felt lonely, I'm here to change your mind. I'm here to tell you that you're never alone and you can find happiness in any situation. I promise. It's hard and you're still going to be sad sometimes but counteract those days of sadness with days of joy.

This isn't to boast or tell you how super awesome I am but let me tell you a short story.
On a Saturday in August, my husband and I separated. Sunday, I was a mess. I couldn't be anywhere with anyone without breaking down. I knew I couldn't live my life this way so I decided to write down some goals for Monday. I wanted to be there for my kids and show them that I can be ok! The very first goal I wrote down was, "Find someone else to serve today.". I don't tell you that because I'm the best servant of Christ ever. I tell you that because I wholeheartedly believe that is something that has gotten me through some of the lowest times in my life.
There are so many people who have it worse than me and when I break open my little bubble, I find them and then I realize how blessed I am. And even if those people don't have it "worse than me" {because really, who am I to even compare?}, everyone struggles. Everyone has trials that are huge and hard and scary to them. On that particular Monday, I tried to stop thinking about me for a few hours and focus on someone else who was also struggling.
All we did that day was take cookies to a friend but it was helpful to me. It got my mind thinking of others instead of just pitying myself.
I hadn't truly smiled in days but that day, I remember the feelings of gratitude for friendships, for service, and especially for knowledge of my Savior. I go back to that day often because it was only 48 hours after one of the hardest days in my life and I need to remind myself that only 48 hours later, I was still alive and I even smiled.
It's amazing how healing that is to my soul.

Thanksfuls 2013

 I'm thankful for my Lil Man. Spidey is the best son in the world. I'm thankful for his smiles and the thousands of times he cuddles with me. I'm thankful for the {patience} he teaches me. I'm thankful that he has red hair because it is freaking adorable. I love this wonderful 'man of the house' we get to have.

 I'm thankful for my princess. Petey is such a vibrant, smart little girl. I'm thankful for the lessons she teaches me. I'm thankful for her kind heart and her example to me. She is constantly teaching me how to love others more. She isn't 100% selfless but she is more selfless than any other 5 year old I've ever met. I am so glad this special, sweet, blue-eyed princess is mine forever.

 I'm thankful that my kids have a good dad. I'm thankful to know that they love and look up to him so much. He is a wonderful dad and I don't regret bringing those two perfect babies into this world with him. He has taught me a lot these past 7 years and through the sadness I now face, I still don't doubt that he is a good father to those precious kiddos.

 I am thankful for each and every one of the people in the above picture. My family is wonderful. My sisters and brother are wonderful. My parents are extremely supportive and are always willing to do whatever I need. They give me so much love and have raised me to be the person I am today.

For this last one, I had to put a silly picture up to keep my crying to a minimum. I'm extremely thankful for this girl. She is the best friend I could've asked for during this time in my life and I plan on being her friend forever and ever. She watches my kids ridiculously often, she is always there when I need to talk, and she tells me to truth. Sometimes I don't like to hear it but I always know she's right---did you catch that, Lacey? That's the only time I'm going to admit it.
Heavenly Father placed Lacey in my life for a reason. I don't know if she realizes the importance of her being where she is today. They moved in last year and months later, we became almost instant friends. I had been lonely for a long time before that and hadn't felt a strong friendship and she just barged right in my life and showed me what friendship should mean. I am forever thankful to Lacey.

I'll stop there so I don't sound too uber obsessed with my friend but just trust me---she's the best.

Thanksgiving was so special this year and I'm so incredibly grateful to my Heavenly Father for making it a year to remember.

When asked what I was thankful for this year before we sat down to eat, the first thing that came to my mind was this:
I'm thankful for the ability to be happy, no matter the situation.

And that is so true. I am thankful to know that I control my happiness. I'm thankful to be a mom. I'm thankful for food to eat and for the people that surround me daily.

I am so blessed and I love it.

I'm Freaking Awesome {And so are you}

I have problems---as if that was news to a single one of you. Ha!

My problem today is something I'd like to address with my readers.

Life is hard, people. It really is. For everyone! Everyone goes through things that test their strength.

The first problem I have is this: What is so wrong about knowing you are awesome?

Seriously. I know there is a tiny hint of sarcasm whenever I call myself awesome but in all reality, I really am. And so are you. I'm not asking you to go around telling everyone of the amazing things you do. There is also something to be said about being humble. But there is NO REASON why you shouldn't fully believe you are awesome. Give yourself credit for the things you do. There is so much worth in your life.

On an almost-opposite-but-still-a-huge-problem note, there are certain comments that always make me cringe.

"___ kids is so easy. Just wait til you have ___ kids." One of my least favorites to hear. A lot of days my 2 kids are hard. When I had one kid, she was hard. I'm just going to assume that if I had 3, 4, 5, 6, etc kids, it would be hard sometimes. I respect people who decide to have big families. I also respect people who choose to have one child. I extremely respect those who yearn to have more children but can't. Any amount of children is hard work. It is a full time job to keep my kids fed, clean, happy, successfully learning, etc and on top of that, I am in school full time and babysitting other kids. Oh wait, AND I'm supposed to keep the house clean? Is this serious?! Children are the best thing that has ever happened to me. It just makes me sad when people seem to negate the fact that having 2 kids is hard. I know you've 'been there, done that' and have now moved on to bigger things {mainly, bigger families} but just try to remember what it was like to have two. It was still challenging. And if it wasn't, please remember that we were not all born the same. What is easy for you might be the biggest challenge I'll ever experience.

That last sentence brings me to my main point. We are all different. That is one of my favorite things about life. I learn so much from the people I surround myself with. My best friend often asks why we are friends because I'm such a picky eater and she easily tries new things. I think we are friends because she pushes me to do things I wouldn't normally do. Did you even know that my sister got me to re-try a fish taco and I kinda sorta liked it a little teensy weensy bit? :) I've always hated seafood with a passion. I also have friends who have gone through similiar trials and are there to talk when I need them. Do you think we are exactly the same? Heck no, though sometimes I wish we were because my friends are seriously the bomb and I'd be super lucky to be like them. But I'm already super lucky to be me!
If you are a female reading this, the quote below completely and fully applies to you.

I love knowing that no matter what, I am a princess. A real princess. And so are you.

So don't comare yourselves to others. Try to find what's super awesome about YOU. Trust me, there is a lot. Everyone has hard times, easy times, fun times, sad times, painful times, etc. So when you see someone who might be having a rough time, remember their worth too. Love them. Lift them up.

And remember to love yourself.

Decisions and Judging

"Worrying won't stop the bad stuff from happening; it just stops you from enjoying the good." -Unknown

I'm a worrier. Have I mentioned that before? Oh, I have? Well, here we go again.

If it wasn't for my worrying mind, life would be much easier. It would still be hard, but it'd be easiER. I'm learning that worrying diminishes my faith. If I have faith, there is no reason to worry. God gave me this life because He knew I could live it and He knew I'd be ok in the end. So why worry?

There seems to be so much to worry about but I've decided to just stop. I've had to come to some really hard conclusions lately and worrying that those decisions aren't right has taken away from the Spiritual answer I received in the first place. Why is it so hard to trust an answer to prayer when it is so clearly in front of me? Because it's scary sometimes.

It's scary to feel like we might be alone or judged or even ridiculed for the choices we make. It's scary to think about the repercussions because sometimes there are bad repercussions even when we are making the right decision. Does that even make sense? I know I'm trusting in my Heavenly Father but I also know that my life will still be hard for a while. Good choices don't always equal good consequences right away. Sometimes it takes a little bit of pain before we get to feel the good. That makes the right choices harder to make.

Sometimes I feel stuck; like no matter what decision I make, there is heartache ahead. I don't know if I've ever really been faced with a decision like that before but it's here now and it's hard. I'm learning so much about my judgements toward others. Mostly, I'm just learning to NEVER judge anyone...never...ever. You have no idea what someone's whole life is like. You have no idea if they are making decisions based on selfishness or the Spirit, what their living situation is, how they are treated every day, what they feel like on the inside, how much money they have, how they were raised, their past, etc. I could seriously go on forever. The point is we just don't know everything about anyone else's life. We may think we do but honestly, we don't.  And we can't. Everyone reacts to situations differently so we can't judge someone for the choices they made in any given situation. That choice is between them and God.

So there's my tangent. Can you tell how strongly I feel about that right now? I hate being in the position of "judged" and it's taught me to leave others the frick alone! Seriously. So next time you see someone who is different and you feel like judging them for it, just don't. Once you start viewing others as children of God, it'll be easier to love them, no matter their choices. Isn't that what Christ would do? And aren't we striving to become more like Him? I know I am.

Pick up your friends. Support the people in your life. Don't look at their lives and find the negatives. Everyone has positives in their life if you look hard enough. Some might be more hidden but those are the ones probably in more need of love than anyone else.

Love unconditionally.

Pray every day.

Try putting yourself in someone else's shoes.

View everyone as a child of God.

Hopfully, this will help us all to become more like the only perfect man to ever walk this earth.

The Story of Suzanne

 Once upon a time, a cute little curly-headed princess was born.

She was a freckly-faced, chunky-cheeked little princess who's attitude was bigger than her.

 She grew up surrounded by loving sisters and the cutest little brother in the whole world.

Life wasn't always easy but she chalked that up to her own choices she had made.

When she got out of high school, she was determined for things to be easier. That never seemed to happen.

It has been 7 years since her wish and she still hasn't been granted that "easy life" she asked for. Instead, she has been given challenges; challenges that sometimes make her angry or discouraged. It seems as though every couple of years, a new challenge surfaces and she thinks, "Now this one I cannot handle." and yet, handle it she does; usually with grace, sometimes with a little bit of crazy mixed in.

For a long time, she wondered why. Why, when she was trying so hard to be a good person, would God give her these challenges? Now she wonders why not. Why not me? If it can happen to anyone, why wouldn't there be a chance that it would happen to me? Don't get me wrong, that doesn't usually take the pain away but it helps her to look outward and see that others are struggling too. It isn't just her. And not only are there others, some of their stories she wouldn't want in a million years.

God gives us what we can handle. He doesn't give us what our neighbor can handle or what our children will be able to handle. He specifically gives us things that we can handle and He helps us every step of the way. We are never alone. You are never alone.

Sometimes, Suzanne forgets, as I'm sure most of us do but luckily, her parents have instilled it in her and she always seems to remember it in her darkest hours.

I wish I could say that Princess Suzanne grows up to be a successful queen that is kind-hearted and loving to others but she's still pretty young---two days away from her 26th birthday to be exact---and she still has a ways to grow up but I have a feeling she'll get there. Every day, she's learning and growing.

The Best Parents Ever

Tonight, I need to write down some recent events to remind myself that I have the world's best parents. 

Seriously. 

Last night, my kids were with their dad and I knew I'd be feeling lonely so I invited some friends over for dinner and a movie. We went to the Cheesecake Factory and it was wonderful. Thanks for the suggestion, Heather! Anyway, when we got home from the restaurant, we sat down to watch a movie when my doorbell rang. 

Side note: Earlier that day, my mom had called to ask if I had any plans for the night. I told her what I was doing and that was that.

Back to the story. When I opened the front door, my mom was standing there with bags of cleaning supplies and my dad was in the front yard spraying weeds. She was surprised I was home since she thought I was watching a movie at someone else's house, not my own. My dad finished with the weeds and fixed my broken toilet. My mom replaced the toilet paper she had seen almost run out a few days before and cleaned a few things in the bathroom and then they left. Their plan had been to come clean my house while I was out with friends so I'd be surprised when I came home. 

I've learned this past month just how much God loves me. Even though He has given me a fair share of tests and trials, He surrounds me with wonderful people who support and bless my life in numerous ways. I am a child of God and He has sent me here for specific purposes. 

I have the best parents in the world. I am so lucky to have them supporting me. 

It's All Worth It

I have been so busy and productive lately. I've been making necklaces and bows like crazy, the kids have had things going on, school starts for Petey in a little over a week, and my days have been full of children and cleaning.
I was driving the other day and I didn't even know why I was smiling. I just couldn't stop. I'm just really happy right now. The bad days fizzle and the good days are what I remember. Life is far from perfect and yet it feels pretty perfect.
If you would have told me that happiness was possible with the current struggles in my life, I would have laughed in your face and yet, here I am achieving happiness amidst trials. It's possible, people.

The kids have been challenging me daily. The pictures usually show them getting along but there is a lot of fighting going on. There are a lot of bad words being used and fists being thrown. There are a lot of tantrums for silly reasons and time outs. But I'm still happy. I've been reading Petey books at night and I can see her little eyes brighten when I lay down next to her. I snuggle Spidey in the mornings since he's been waking up before his sister.

 Dance days usually look like this. If we have Baby D, we often sit in the car because he fusses during dance class so Spidey ends up playing on the Kindle. He loves it. I love the quiet. But sometimes, I just want him to hang out with his momma.

And sometimes, he does. I love those moments.

I've been steadily writing back and forth with Boss' cousin my adopted little sister, Kaitlyn. She's serving a mission for our church and I'm just so proud of her. It's hard to see someone you love struggling. It's hard to see them have ups and downs because you just want to make their days full of ups. I'm sure that's how my own mother feels sometimes. I can't imagine having to watch my children go through huge trials and not being able to take it away from them. As I was pondering that the other day, I realized that must be how our Heavenly Father feels as well. I'm sure it's hard for Him to watch us struggle but he wouldn't let us struggle in vain. He knows those struggles are what make us stronger, better people.

I'm grateful for my life. I'm so lucky to have so many wonderful things. I don't doubt that my life is exactly where it is meant to be right now. The kids will only be young for so long and someday, I'm going to miss the 3 yr old tantrums and the 5 yr old talking back. So for now, I'm just trying my darndest to embrace it all.