Being Kind in an Unkind World

It's been a week full of beautiful weather and late nights pondering my purpose on this earth. 

Nights where I lay in bed staring at the dark walls around me and smile at the amount of gratitude I have for this life, my life. 

People are worried about me---which is probably always going to be true because when you love someone, you want the best for them and so you worry sometimes. 

Sometimes I wonder if maybe it's hard to believe, given the circumstances and the trials, that I am truly happy right now. I know that many of you have seen me at my worst but I believe, in a way, that all of those dark moments were helping me to heal. 

Going through a divorce hardened me for a while. I was much less emotional and I had a hard time crying. It was weird because it was a foreign struggle for me. Really? Struggling to cry? It just seemed kind of weird and even a little bit stupid. 

But lately, I've been able to allow myself a little more vulnerability with my emotions and it just feels healthy and freeing. 

I feel a lot more like me. 

And feeling a lot more like me means that my sensitivity for others is overflowing. 

Overflowing!

I know it's a good thing---I like that I am sensitive---but sometimes it is so emotionally exhausting that I vow to never sign on to Facebook again because the posts are too painful and often confusing to read. 

Obviously, this vow is broken each time, usually within minutes, because part of my unwinding at the end of my day includes a little {or a lot} of Facebook reading. 

I remember when Ferguson was all over the news and I didn't quite understand what was happening. I had friends who were standing up for the police and other friends who were standing up for the community members of Ferguson. Each post seemed to contradict the next but each post seemed to have something in common---a pleading for others to UNDERSTAND the pain on their side. 

As I was reading, I wanted to connect all of these opinionated articles and posts and show everyone that they were fighting for the same thing---for love, unity, equality, compassion. 

They wanted their loved ones and people of their same gender/race/religion to be accepted AS IS. 

After Ferguson (and honestly, before Ferguson), it didn't end. It seems that weekly, sometimes daily, there is a story I see posted on Facebook about conflicts that have risen and been pinned to a person's gender/race/religion/sexual orientation. 

And I want to fight with you---with all of you---to protect the people you love so dearly. I want to hear your side and listen intently as you tell your story of why you believe what you do. 

I want to hear about your daughter who is biracial and your fears about her being accepted when it seems that racial profiling is so prevalent in the media. 

I want to hear about how your husband is a police officer and you fear him being killed as he tries to protect our citizens. 

I want to hear about your son who is homosexual and your fears about him being accepted and loved by his peers. 

I want to hear about the abuse you have endured and how you fight for women's rights because your voice was stifled when you were younger. 

Because each one of your stories are real. Each one is fighting for love in it's own way. 

But, you guys, I want so badly to live in a world where we are fighting together. 

I want to live in a world where unity means we love no matter what---we love because we are all human beings and we are all worthy of acceptance and equality. 

I want us all to take a step back---think about the things you are posting online. Think about the people on the other side and try to see it from their perspective. 

I know you're hurting---but so are they. 

As I laid down in my bed last night and my head was spinning from the conflict surrounding some religious decisions that have confused me so much this week, I wanted so badly to connect people, to remind them to look at the situation through the eyes of the other side. 

People have every right to be hurt.

And people have every right to stand up for their religious beliefs. 

Both of these emotions and opinions and actions are valid and real. Each means something so sacred to the person who believes them. Each is intertwined with heaps of love for that person's people and for their beliefs. 

I'm sure there are so many things that I do in my life that people wouldn't agree with or understand. But honestly, this has nothing to do with how I'm living my life---it just has to do with the fact that I am living a life. 

Because no matter what we do, there will be people who see things differently. 

And that is ok. 

In many cases, it is beautiful. 

We can learn so much from people who see things differently than us. 

And for me, that is what this life is all about. 

It is about honoring my own beliefs, as different as they might be from yours. 

It is about loving you regardless and practicing that love and acceptance the same way Christ showed us when He was on this earth. 

It is about learning from you and you learning from me. 

It is about compassion and empathy for others and validating their pain even if we don't understand it---because even if we don't understand it, that doesn't make it any less real. 

Life is so much more than taking sides and fighting against each other. There is so much more we can do with our opinions and beliefs. 

There is so much we can teach when we start with love and compassion. 

I'm ok with living a life that's different than yours. 

I want you to be happy, to be proud of the life you are building. And if you are, I will stand behind you. And if you're not, I will be here to help you change in whatever way you'd like. 

Your feelings are valid---just as mine are---and my hope is that someday we can all fight on the same side.

To love each other more. 

To learn from each other more. 

To help each other more. 

2014: Day 23

Day 23: Something that makes you feel better

So it is probably a secret to you that I haven't been dealing with life super effectively lately. And I'm serious by that. I have tried to keep it to myself because I'm sick of having my emotions be a rollercoaster. I'm hoping that this is the lowest low point and that I can soon find my way out and trust again, love myself again, and love everything about my life.

But in the meantime, while I struggle, there are many things that help me to recognize what I have and feel a little bit better but one in particular that never ceases to help me in my daily life.

I am a mother.

My children are the best part of me. I identify as a mother more than I have ever identified with something in my life. When I'm feeling down, I am reminded that they are my biggest blessing and also my biggest priority. School gets busy, filling out paper work and figuring our future out is busy, all of the extra curricular activities are busy---but my children are my priority in all of that. I'm glad that I have them and I'm even glad that they have me, even though it's hard to recognize my own worth sometimes {or a lot of the time}.

Petey is such a 'pick me up' type girl. She is really good at sensing others' feelings and she wants to help them. She reminds me of me as a kid. I was very sensitive to others feelings and wanted my friends to feel loved. She is also just like me in the fact that she craves love and attention and I am so glad I get to be there for her and give her that whenever I can.

Spidey is our jokester. Sometimes, I'll be putting myself down or feeling bad about life right now and Spidey says the WEIRDEST things. It doesn't matter what type of mood I'm in, Spidey can always make me laugh. I remember saying that about him as a baby and saying that he would be that little kid that could brighten up a room and I was right. He is exactly that. Spidey brings a lot of challenges into my life as well and I pray that I can be the mother he needs me to be.

I pray for both of my kids. I pray for anyone else who has ever felt how I feel. Feeling defeated and beat down just doesn't feel good. I know I'll bounce back. I know I can do hard things. But sometimes, hard things are harder than we expected and new challenges arise often. I take one day at a time right now and focus on the things that matter most---my family, my religion, and school.

I can do this. We can do this.

How to Feel Good When You Don't Feel Good

 Well, that was interesting. I had almost an entire blog post up and I deleted the whole thing---on purpose. Let's try this again and see if I approve of today's message.

Do you ever struggle to feel like you are a good person? Are there days you compare your weaknesses to someone else's strengths?

 

I hope I'm not the only one.

 

Some days, I find that I'm just so darn hard on myself. I hear other people tell me I'm so helpful or friendly or inspiring and I don't feel like any of it is true. I feel fake because I struggle on a daily basis to make good decisions and be a better person. I'm not inspiring---I'm barely keeping my head above water right now. Am I being fake because I have a smile on my face even on some of my hardest days? How can I be a good person when I don't always make good decisions?

 

I try to be a genuinely good person. I try really hard to help others and pick them up when they are down. So why do I find myself thinking that isn't good enough? Why do I still feel like I'm not a good person when I am a good person?

 

Are you confused yet? Or have you ever felt this way?

 

I was reading in the scriptures today and 3rd Nephi 24:18 really jumped out to me.

"Then shall ye return and discern between the righteous and the wicked, between him that serveth God and him that serveth him not."

 

What a simple verse of scripture that is. The scripture doesn't say "He that succeeds in doing everything perfectly his entire life is righteous." It plainly states that if we are trying, if we are doing our best, we are righteous.

 

Satan tries so hard to convince us we will never be good enough. He is constantly bombarding society with lies that we need to be perfect to be good people. He wants us to feel like we are failing when we struggle.

 

It's hard sometimes. Actually, it's hard a lot of the time. It's hard to believe the things other people see in me. It's hard not to put myself down and tell myself I should be doing better. But my Heavenly Father loves me unconditionally---with no conditions. He loves me when I'm doing well and He loves me when I struggle. He wants me to succeed but He understands that we are here to learn and sometimes, we make mistakes.

 

My knowledge of His existence is real. I don't just think He is there---I know He is. I'm going to struggle through this divorce and I'm going to succeed. It isn't going to perfect. In fact, at times it will probably be messy but I know He will still love me. I know I am righteous because I desire to do good.

 

My goal this week is to keep Satan out. I will pray often, study my scriptures, and believe in myself.

Time Out for Women 2013

 It's been a long time. I had forgotten what I'm missing out on.

As an 8 year old girl, I chose to be baptized and have the opportunity to have the Holy Ghost with me at all times.  Ever since that special day in my life, I've known that I had the power to keep the Spirit close to me. There have been times where I've kept it and could feel the Holy Ghost near me and other times where it seemed almost non-existent because of my stubborn will. But I always knew it was a part of me.

It really has been a while. I have received answers to prayers and felt peace in my life but it has been a while since I have felt the physical touch of angels surrounding me. There is no other way to explain it. It was real. It was powerful.

At Time Out for Women this weekend, I had overwhelming feelings of joy and sadness...yes, at the same time sometimes. It's confusing to be going through a hard time but also realizing how incredibly blessed your life is. Last night, my tears turned into sobs as I listened to Hilary Weeks sing "Beautiful Heartbreak"; one of my absolute favorite songs. I needed my mom and she was right there for me. I felt like a child again, laying my head on her shoulder and crying, and it felt so safe. I'm so lucky she's there for me.

Some of my favorite quotes from the weekend {most of them aren't word for word, just my fast note taking}:

Brad Wilcox:
Growth is optional which is why the atonement is a gift, not forced upon us.
Change is difficult.
We have to stop relying on willpower and rely on His power.
God requires eventual perfection, not immediate perfection.

Sheri Dew:
God will heal us of our weaknesses if we plead with Him.
The Lord will not force us to learn.

Mary Ellen Edmunds:
If we let something stay in our hearts, good or bad, it will grow.

S. Michael Wilcox:
Unless you pour out the grief and bitterness {in prayer}, God cannot pour back in the things that you need.
Never take counsel from your fears.
When I knock, they will open immediately if they know My voice.

Richie Norton:
Sometimes bad things happen so we can become more authentic.
Know yourself by knowing Him.

Laurel Christensen Day:
Fear of failure will plague us.
Be careful that you're not afraid of your own success.
If I want to change, I need to believe in myself.
Fight fear with love.
Don't stop petitioning the Lord for the righteous desires of your heart.
Peace is not always the thing you feel before you face your fears but it comes right after.

Can you tell I loved the speakers? Did any of those quotes speak to you in some way? Those were definitely ones that had stuck out to me last night and today. I have a few thoughts I wanted to add.

I often fear the outcomes in my life before anything happens. I fear the worst because naturally, the worst is just going to happen, right? I'm paranoid about bad things happening because I feel like I've been tested so much these past 3 years. Some days, I have a "Why not me" attitude but other days, I just can't help but feel sorry for myself and wish I had made better choices or tried harder or been better in some way. I could have fixed everything that's happened right? I could've fixed the infertility and the marriage hardships, right? It's my fault, right?
Wrong.
Plain and simple, that is so sincerely wrong.
Every day, I learn something new. Some of the best lessons I've learned recently have been in regards to my faith AND my suffering. I used to think there just must be something wrong with me because God was testing me too much. Did it mean I was oh so very weak and that he needed me to 'buck up'? Or maybe it meant that the good things I was doing in life weren't good enough to earn the title of "righteous". Some days, I listen intently to my Heavenly Father but other days, his words seem almost mixed with Satans and it's a hard job to figure out who is talking and whether I should believe their words.

An important lesson I've learned is that God does not make us feel worried or fearful or worthless. If I'm having those thoughts, I try so hard to recognize that they are from Satan so I can replace them with truth.
The truth is, I'm awesome. Ok, just kidding, but really... ;)
We all are. I'm brave and I'm strong and I know I am important to my Heavenly Father. I know He trusts me, sometimes too much, and I know He is aware of my needs. He creates miracles out of the trials in my life. Some are easy to see, others seem to take days, months, or years to recognize; but He is there.

Time Out for Women this year was my favorite so far because I've been feeling like I was done; like maybe God had made a mistake and accidentally given me too much to handle this time.
Truth? He doesn't make mistakes.
I'm constantly learning and growing and being stretched beyond what I believed to be my capacity. But here I am, alive and actually feeling joyful most of the time. That in and of itself is a true miracle.

The tradition of Time Out for Women is something I'll always be grateful for [Thanks, Karin]. To be surrounded by my sisters and mother for a weekend is something I need every year. I'm so blessed.

The very first video they showed yesterday was almost my exact story but with different people involved; or so it seemed from my view. I know God knew what I needed to hear this weekend.

 How I love these awesome friends of mine. I didn't think I could have more respect and love for them but after this weekend, I sincerely do. Everyone has trials. Everyone has heartache. It's real for everyone and comparing doesn't make your problem any less or more than you currently believe it is. It is what you personally feel, not what someone else thinks or feels.

The hardest part about this weekend was missing my kids. I'm not really the type of mom who loves a weekend away from her kids. Maybe that's because I feel I've been getting too many weekends away from my kids; the biggest downfall that comes with sharing them.

 But tonight was real and the Spirit in our home was strong. It stayed with me from Time Out for Women and it carried through our bedtime prayers and stories. It was the first time in weeks that I had specifically and individually prayed for my children and their needs during this difficult time. I often pray for me and think that will keep them going and that is partly true but this is a family trial. No one is exempt and I don't like knowing that! Why should my kids have to go through hard times? It just isn't fair.

But I know through the power of love from me and their Father in Heaven, they can become whole again and live successful, loving, happy lives. It isn't impossible. It is actually quite possible.

So tonight, I layed down with each child for a few minutes, something that proves difficult when you put them to bed at the same time and it's just you doing so. But I knew it needed to be done and I was determined to remind them of their worth and potential tonight. After saying prayers with Petey, she looked up and me and said, "Mommy, that was the best prayer I have ever heard in my life." And as I cried and held her while she drifted off to dreamland, I was so grateful for the Spirit and the opportunity we have to feel it in our own home.

We are so blessed.
I am so blessed.

The Truth: I'm Not Worthless

 I struggled a lot with self-worth in high school. I always thought I was so fat...

This is me a couple of months after graduating high school and that isn't even a picture of me at my smallest high school weight.

 This is the face I would give if the girl in the above picture told me she was fat. Because she wasn't. And even moreso than that, she's gorgeous.

After getting married, I thought all of that was over. Someone picked me out of every other girl. Someone chose to love me forever and ever. I realized shortly after getting married that marriage doesn't fix everything. In fact, I'd even say marriage makes lots of things harder. I got pregnant and started eating whatever I wanted. I was put on bedrest. I had a c-section. I got pregnant when my baby was 7 months old. I had another c-section. There were so many excuses as to why I wasn't happy with myself.

Then I got diagnosed with infertility. My self worth went completely down the drain for a while. I was so hard on myself. I started thinking that because I had made mistakes in my life, God was punishing me. I told myself I was worthless and often times, thoughts of unworthiness would creep into my mind, telling me I wasn't even a good person anymore. Everything kind of spiraled downward for a while when my husband stopped attending church with our family. I felt completely alone. In counseling, I couldn't pinpoint why I had anxiety and why little things were hard to deal with. It wasn't until recently that I realized I haven't stopped to pat myself on the back in a very long time. I haven't cut myself a break or told myself what a good job I'm doing at living this life I was given.

Throughout these past couple of weeks, I've started to give myself little pep talks and really, truly see all of the good I am doing. I didn't realize how far I had let Satan in. He had convinced me I'm nothing but that isn't true. When it comes to my worth, my size doesn't matter and my faults don't matter. I will always be worth something in God's eyes.

The hardest part of all of this is teaching myself how to love myself more but once I started realizing how much I am worth, I knew that loving every part of myself was the next step. It's a continuation, it isn't just there. I have to continually remind myself to just be nice. When I look in the mirror, don't tear that girl down. When I spend too much time on the computer, don't tell that girl she's a horrible mother. When I forget to cook dinner, don't tell that girl she is a failure as a homemaker. That girl isn't perfect but she's worth something.

In order to teach this little girl how to love herself, I need to set a good example of what that looks like. I need to teach her to see how precious she is in God's eyes by remembering how precious I am in His eyes.

The worst and best days

Some days are just hard. Once in a while, I'll just have a day where everything seems to go wrong. It's beginning to happen more and more and I've been a bit confused as to why. I think subconciously, I know the anniversary of my infertility mark is creeping up on me. I get sad when I think about it but I also just have to laugh at myself.

I remember when I was sad about not conceiving after 6 months. I remember how devastated I was when we didn't conceive after a whole year. I remember when that 18 month mark hit and I was getting more used to the fact that we may not have any more children. But 2 years? Two years feels like a slap in the face.
Almost everyone that I've related with through this 2 year journey has had a baby or is at least pregnant right now. Almost all of my friends with 2 children my children's ages has a 3rd baby or a 3rd one on the way. Some even have a 4th.
 I've been infertile more than I've been pregnant in our marriage.

Yay me {sarcasm}.

My negativity is really a downer, isn't it? I apologize. I don't like feeling this way. I don't like feeling ungrateful for my blessed life. But I also don't like infertility.
I hate the big decisions I feel like I'm always having to make. Do we use fertility drugs? Do we see a fertility specialist and spend thousands of dollars? Will we get a baby if we do that or will we have wasted money for no end result? Should we save up and adopt? Should I just stop trying at all?
My mind has been racing lately with all of these questions and I wish someone else could make the decisions for me. I've found that the hardest part about being an adult is the decision making. I wish I could hire someone to make the best decisions possible for our family.

So it's been hard. What else is new? Infertility seems to get easier and harder with each passing day. I'm grateful for the dynamic change in my life. I'm thankful that even though things are sometimes hard, infertility doesn't control every second of my life anymore. I'm too busy being a mom to two little people and babysitting two extra little people most days. My house sure doesn't feel empty which I'm extremely grateful for.
I know God has placed specific people in my life to make things a little bit easier on me right now. I know He is a part of my every day. I also know there are times I forget He is there for me. Sometimes when things are the hardest, I have to remind myself why things feel hard in that moment. Usually, it helps me to realize that I haven't talked to my Heavenly Father enough or thought of Him and how He blesses me enough that day.

My favorite thing about being a mother is seeing how much tiny, silly, little things can change my childrens' moods. The tiniest of things can make their day into "The Best Day Everrrrr!". When I watch the video below, I can't help but smile. My children claimed Monday to be the best day ever because I let them ride with the windows rolled down in the car. It amazes me how grateful they are for the little things.
 I could learn a lesson or two from them.

The Bad Times

It's been a HARD week.
I know you probably think I'm crazy because there is a certain week out of the month where I seem to write more about my baby hunger, hard times, etc. Yup, that darn week is here! And add on top of that many other life stressors and it has been one heck of a crappy week.
Every time this week happens, I feel like it's going to take forever to get pregnant again...if ever. I get a lot more pessimistic and I am not a very good mother. And then I get mad that I'm not being a good mother and that just leads me to more frustration which leads to being a worse mother.
My kids watch too many movies. I don't teach them as many things as I used to. I feel like I'm being such a lazy parent. We used to do fun things almost every day. The house used to stay clean. Notice I still haven't finished my "Mothers Who Know" segment? That is because I have NOT been a mother who knows.
But hopefully next week, things change. Hopefully, it will be a better week. And maybe I'll even try to keep the house clean. "sigh"
I'm just a bit discouraged today. Things will get better.
"It's a bad day, NOT a bad life." I have a great life. It just isn't a great day.

And that's how Suze complains even though she's been dealt a pretty great life.