Sunday, November 6, 2011

Beautiful Heartbreak

I had an amazing weekend with my sisters and mom.

(The closest photo I was willing to take with Brad Wilcox(He's in the blue shirt, yellow tie). I felt bad bugging him just for a picture and when my mom took this picture, I was laughing too hard.)

But the week before was really hard. Most nights, I felt depressed and alone...besides my wonderful husband, that is. I can feel myself growing further apart from close friends and working full time is not helping that. I would come home to a dirty house, exhausted husband, and kids that still needed my love and attention. Of course, I was also exhausted, having just worked for 8 hours. I am not sure why this experience is so much harder than my experience of coming back to work in July. Everything just seems harder.

I really feel like I've been trying. I want to be positive and happy but I can't seem to find either of those feelings for very long each day. I want to blog and tell you about how I've been working hard to become a nurturer (since I still haven't posted an update about my 'Mothers Who Know Are Nuturers' post) but really, I think I've been getting worse than my normal, homemaking self. At least before, I cooked a couple times a week and kept the house clean almost every day.

I know they need me. And what I learned this weekend was that family matters most. My children matter most. To dwell on the best friends that come and go or the things we cannot purchase all becomes unimportant when thinking about eternity. I realized this weekend that my husband is my best friend. I may not have a girl best friend but he tries harder tI o love and care for me than anybody else in the world. Why do I not give him enough credit? Why am I constantly feeling like I need more from him when, after taking a step back, I realize he is doing everything that he can?
I am so loved.

If you have some time, please watch thise video from Hilary Weeks. She showed us the music video this weekend during Time Out for Women and I cried through the whole thing.

I may have heartbreak but I can already see the effects of it changing my life and I am grateful for it's beauty. I pray for others going through fertility, not just myself. I often hope that my friends dealing with infertility can get pregnant, and I often hope that it's before I do. As weird as this sounds, I am grateful that my journey so far is teaching me to love others and to think about them, before thinking of myself. I am already grateful for my PCOS...I just wish that since I've learned from it, Heavenly Father would take it back away from me. :) But you know, that isn't how it works and I know He will always be there to lift me up when I am weak.

And that's how Suze sees it.

1 comment:

Bethany'sBazodi said...

You are a trooper girl! I think working full time with no kids is I can't imagine how exhausted you must be. Keep up the good work and embrace the good little moments.