Because today I did watch porn. I wish I could have prepared more for today or been "sick" during my Philosophy of Sexuality class but I don't have the best grade right now and I can't afford to miss any assignments.
So I went---knowing we were diving into our chapter on pornography.
I figured I would have the chance to reiterate my feelings about pornography use and that our discussion, although uncomfortable for me, would give me an opportunity to stand up for what I wholeheartedly believe in.
None of those things happened.
I got into class and our teacher was holding a dvd. I couldn't make out the title other than the phrase "feminist pornography" I prayed it would be a documentary like the last one we watched. I squirmed as I waited for class to start. And after taking attendance, he announced we would be watching a video and would have to write an essay on it before next Tuesday. And then he pushed play.
It wasn't a documentary. Or maybe it was. Yeah, I guess it would be considered a documentary since there were interviews mixed up between vulgar scenes. I tried not to look up after the first exposure. I knew I had to keep my composure so I started taking notes on any of the interviews I heard and tried to let my mind wander when the interviews weren't playing.
I guess I just don't get it. Now having been exposed to mainstream pornography, I am even more at a loss as to why some people don't think pornography is dangerous.
Among my anxiety, I felt a lot of sadness---that some women are treated poorly, that some women feel suppressed and choose this lifestyle, that some people can't feel satisfied in a loving relationship with just one other person.
I don't get it. I don't want to get it.
Today brought back pain. A lot of pain. And feelings of inadequacy.
I wish that pornography wasn't available like it currently is. I wish there wasn't a chance that my very own son or daughter could stumble across the videos I watched in class today. I wish that people viewed sex as more sacred than the media tells us it is.
Because when a person becomes addicted to pornography, they start to lose the real love in their life. They have a harder time differentiating between what is real and what is completely fake.
I felt Satan in that classroom today. I felt the darkness that came and I felt it leave as I left the class, praying to overcome my anxiety and finish my next classes.
If there is any truth to saying that pornography can "spice up your love life" and is healthy within a marriage, I would counter by asking, "Why take the risk?"
Why risk what you have for something that could possibly harm you and your relationship?
The people you love are not worth that risk. They aren't. Real love is more powerful than anything you will be able to find on a computer screen.
Real love will always be greater.
In case you're wondering how I reacted in class today, I didn't raise my hand a single time. I couldn't. My mind had shut down and I couldn't even stand up for my values because my brain was busy focusing on getting through the class without a meltdown.
I don't exactly know why my teacher would expose our class to that material. I think he thought it was necessary but I can assure you, it wasn't.
I'm not angry. I'm just sad.
Because I think my bubble had been holding on by a thread and today, it was completely popped. Today I was exposed to so much harshness that surrounds us.
Pornography is real and it is dangerous.
Protect yourselves. Protect your families.
2 comments:
I am so SO sorry you had to go through that. Just sending gentle hugs. I am so disturbed for you.
I would have taken the bad grade :) Doesn't mean your chance for doing something about it, is too late. I would write a letter to your teacher, If people in your class talk about it, stand up for it. Someone has to say something. If I knew you well enough or where you lived I would so back you up in this. I think the only way that you are gonna get over this is to let your spirit win. Don't let the darkness consume you. Your spirit was hurt, but you can be true to who you are by doing or saying something even if no one changes their minds. Your spirit will know it was being true in its truest form. I didn't always have the courage to stand up to things, but now after 10 years of betrayal and so much pain from being cheated on over and over and completely loosing myself. I awakened. I awoke to realizing what really was happening.I began to speak up and it wasn't always well received but I can tell you now I am more happy with who I am than ever. I have found my voice and am continuing to do so as I share and talk about the effects of porn through the No Porn Club a friend and I created. We are 2 moms on a mission. We know you can do it!! We support you and your voice.
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