Some days, I feel like having a melt down...

(like my kids in this picture)

..Actually, some days I DO have melt downs.

I'm not having one right now (I probably wouldn't be on the computer) but occasionally, I get them. It's one humongous thing that I love about my husband. He has learned in the past 3 years of marriage that when a girl needs to cry, she just needs to cry. Recently, I was having a hard day and almost to my melt down mode and he came to me, held me tight and said, "I know you need to cry so just let it out." And I did. And he made it all better. Because he loves me.

Today, we were talking about baby names, not because we are having a baby but because even if Said Baby will be up in Heaven for 3 or 4 more years, he or she is going to need a name. We love talking about baby names. So I say I want to name my daughter Shyloh...he says he hates the name because it is a dog name (as is Sadie, apparently). He says he wants to name our son James or Joshua...I tell him it's too boring. And then one of us says something to the effect of "Well, you dont get to choose because..." and we come up with some obnoxious reason. Mostly, this is how it goes. We have a name that we agree on picked out for the next boy or girl but we always feel the need to bring up new names...in case we decide we like it better. If I wouldnt die from insanity, I'd probably have 10 kids to use up all of the names we like...though about 8 of them would have to be girls because those names are always easier to choose. Baby names are a fun fantasy. Even with young children, I dream of adding to our family---not right now---but 3 years sometimes feels so near in the future that I feel we need to be "ready". I'm not exactly sure what we're getting ready for but we're gearing up for 3 years from now.

When we talk about baby names or other things and the argument ends with someone telling the other that they have no say in the matter, I always feel like we aren't being the "team" we should be. It's true, I'd like to agree more and argue less, but as a whole, we are a team (hence being a whole). I try to worry about the small things and deal with the bigger things...like trying to teach my son that baths are not scary and a death scream does not need to follow every sit in the tub. Or how my daughter is learning to strip herself in public and how she recently decided it would be smart to run out in the middle of a busy parking lot (right in front of a Hummer, I might add). Or how I still want to lose that 50 pounds and I've done just about nothing in the recent weeks to accomplish that. Or maybe how I need to be a better support system for my stressed out husband trying to balance school and work and family.

Ill just end this crazy, mixed up post with 2 sentences.

I love my husband.

And that's how Suze sees it.

Growing too fast

I have the cutest kids.

Lately, Ive just been in a rut. I should not have any feelings of jealousy towards friends who stay home with their babies. But I do. I try to shove it off of my chest but it lays there like a ton of bricks.

When I learned that my sister would stay home with her son, it tooks months to get used to. I'm not kidding. Months. I couldn't look at her the same. Every time she talked about it, I thought she was rubbing it in my face. Even though we are very close, she will never understand this trial that I have because she does not have to live through it. It wasn't ever her fault but I viewed it in that way. Instead of being happy for her, I was sad for me.

I am so selfish. I still do not understand why it is so hard to hear about someone else getting what I want so badly. It reminds me of the time I threw a huge fit when this same sister got rollerblades for her birthday because "I didnt have any!" How rude of my parents, right? :)

I work hard every day to overcome this challenge of mine. I love my sister and though I am used to her being home, sometimes there is still a twinge in my heart when I really think about it.

I miss my kids. I miss them so much when I am away from them. I come home for lunch and my sweet daughter yells, "Mommy!" and runs into my arms (most days). I wouldnt trade that for the world but it does make it harder to leave.

I love the things they are learning. Every day, I try and find more ways to stay home more. I make more bows, more flowers and am now learning to make baby boy ties (watch for them...theyre going to be adorable!).

Spidey is crawling and can say, "baba", "mama" and "dada". Petey is talking up a storm and learning to ride her new tricycle.

I dont want to miss a thing---Ive already missed so much.

2 and a half years (or less hopefully) and my husband will finish school. Im so proud of how hard he works for us. None of this sadness of not staying home is geared towards him. It just happens to be the way our life is right now. He works hard and I love him.

And that's how Suze sees it.

My Internet World

I think sometimes my "internet world" makes me feel like life is perfect. I escape here to upload pictures, talk with friends, and write to you all. When I am here, the challenges I am facing in reality seem smaller. My challenges seem easier to face. Sometimes I hint about them to you, sometimes I keep them to myself but my thoughts always seem to be more clear as I am here talking to you.
I feel moody lately. I'm talking hormonal, pregnancy moody---but oh thank goodness, I am not pregnant. I just feel that way. Why? I dont know.
Work is driving me nuts. As my co worker and I were talking the other day about some guy that called and yelled at ME(!) for his insurance processing claims wrong, she said to me, "Collecting money is always awkward. We will always be the bad guys." I wish people understood more. I wish it wasn't about collecting money because we hate everyone in the world but because we are running a business and we provided a service for that person. Do people understand that when insurance processes and tells me that the patient is responsible for this portion of the bill, I am not lying and trying to cheat them out of their money? I am simply doing my job. Sometimes I love it...but there are times when I am getting yelled at and my heart is beating fast and I am starting to stumble over my words that I'd just like to quit and go home to my children. Do people realize when they're ridiculously rude that I have somewhere I'd much rather be too? And dont even get me started on no show fees...I'm not the one who missed your appt, sir.

Anyway, tangent aside, it has just been a hard week and I have found no time to escape to my blogging world to decipher my thoughts about this hard week. I found myself at a crossroads---I could choose be happy or I could stay mad until I had time to blog. If that is not the dumbest sounding thing, I dont know what is. My blog doesnt save me and it certainly isnt the only thing in the world that makes me happy. So I decided on the normal choice and chose to find some happiness...in my children, in my husband, in my sister, and even at times at work.

My life isnt perfect...as much as Id like to believe it is...but Ill pull through. Ill be out of this rut in no time.

And that's how Suze sees it.

Busy Weekend

Sorry Ive been slacking. 2 birthdays in one weekend and 2 sick kids this week will do that to a person.
Petey turned 2 over the weekend and my husband turned 25. Their birthdays are a day apart, which makes it really fun---but really busy (and slightly expensive). :)
Both kids are now sick and on breathing treatments and because Spidey has asthma, my dad suggested he be put on maintenance treatmments twice a day even when he is healthy so that he doesnt have asthma attacks. Hopefully this works---he is only 7 months old! Poor little guy.
Right now, my little man is behind me figuring out the crawling world. He can army crawl 100% and get anywhere he wants to but for the last couple of weeks, he's been testing out the waters on his hands and knees.

Please stop growing up so fast, Spidey-man!

Im exhausted so Im signing off for the night but maybe Ill have more to say in the near future. :)

L.O.L.

Sorry for the gross 'right-before-bed' picture but do you remember this hair? The LONG beautiful hair from the awesome family pictures we took?Here. It. Is.

All ready to be donated to Locks of Love. And here I am...with a cute A-line cut that I absolutely LOVE. And that my husband LOVES too.

It was a triple win situation!

And because my hair is short, I started crafting some cute headbands tonight that I will be sporting from now on.

This double yoyo headband is my first so far and I LOVE it!

Birthday shirt for the birthday girl!

The birthday girl has a birthday shirt with her age on it! And I loved the fabric so much that I bought coordinating fabric for bows and a belt! (I didnt take a picture of the belt)

Cant believe this girly turns 2 on Sunday...bittersweet for me. She is so much more fun at these older ages and I remember those hard baby days with her but I still wish I could slow it all down or at least be here for more of her life. I feel like Ive missed out on 2 yrs with my girly and its hard to let her get older...but what am I gonna do? :)

Changes come too quickly

Isnt it ironic how our paths can be changed so much, depending on where we are in said path?
How 3 years ago, I did NOT want to be visited once a month by a special present because I wanted a baby so badly and now, I pray and pray for that visit? :)
How two years ago, the house we moved into was HUGE and now I feel that we barely fit?
How we planned on having a baby around this time but that baby was born 7 months ago?

Life changes so quickly. Isnt that funny? Actually it's not funny...it's sad. Because do we really take the time we have right now and utilize it, instead of dreaming about the things that we want?

Trust me, I'm most likely America's # 1 culprit of this...wanting more and more. Not wanting to wait.

With Petey it went something like this: "It is going to be so much fun when you can roll." "It is going to be so much fun when you sit up." It is going to be even MORE fun when you crawl." "I hope you learn to walk soon..." And now she is walking everywhere and talking back to me like a 13 year old.

Ironic, isnt it?

Also ironic that because I know how fast life goes, I dont want Spidey to crawl or walk faster than needed. I want him to stay a baby because there wont be another baby in this house for a few years. I understand this now---I didnt understand it then.

She was my firstborn. Everything she learned was BEYOND exciting and we couldnt wait for her to do something else.

Now that Spidey is a baby, I understand that he will eventually do these fun things but that we need to spend the time we have with him as a baby and not try to speed it up---it goes fast enough, you know?

Mother's Day Women: Part 5

My last but certainly not least mother's day post is about none other than my own wonderful mother.

I LOVE this picture, depicting how awesome of a grandma she is. Playing Mariokart with her grandkids. They LOVE her.

What can I say about my mother? Everything? My mom raised me plus 4 other girls. Hello, hormones! I love her ability to save money, have fun, and show love. My mom and I have always butted heads...since I was 3 and told her she was the most disgusting mother and all she could think was how proud she was that I knew such a big word. =D I dont know how she raised me and stayed sane (nor do I know how Ill raise Petey and stay sane) but she did and though I never really wanted to bond with my mom growing up, she has always been there for me, waiting for the day that I would realize how important she was to me. She was there when I was induced with Petey, was there as soon as the c section was over, was there when I was tired of Petey's screaming, supported us when we found out we were pregnant again, and has been there with Spidey too. She watched Petey more than I did during those colicky days, since she happily watches my kids full time for me. I remember after Spidey was born when Petey was having a really rough big sister day and didnt want to listen to ANYTHING I said. She tore apart the house while I fed her brother and I got done feeding him and started yelling at her. I knew my hormones and stress were taking over so I called my mom crying and asked if she could come take Petey. She was at a dr's appt for my sister in Phoenix at the time but left the appt (my dad was there also) and came to help me. By the time she got there, Petey was napping and my mom cleaned my house instead. I was so embarrassed but I was too exhausted to tell her to stop. She has watched 4 of the 5 grandkids full time now and not only does she watch them, she plays with them and takes them on field trips once a week! What an awesome lady! She has always taught us standards and I love her for never giving up on me when I was a rough teenager. I love my mom and never thought I would feel this close to her...but how could you not love a woman as great as her?

Happy mother's day, mom! I love you!

Mother's Day Women: Part 4

Yes, I skipped yesterday. Sue me. I couldnt think of who to use and I wanted tonight's special mother to have this night on the blog---since it's her birthday and all. Tonight's special mother is my mother in law. (here she is holding Petey on her blessing day...absolutely precious)

My MIL raised SIX boys...did you know that? One daughter and SIX sons. I could repeat that a thousand times and still not get used to the idea...SIX crazy boys (including my crazy husband!). =D I am grateful for my MIL because she raised my husband to be a great man, husband, and father. She kept him safe as a baby, as a toddler, all through his teenage years and sent him off on a mission for our church all the way to Japan. I don't know how I'll ever send a son on a mission for two years...I hope I will...but it sure sounds like a hard thing fo my precious children. My mother in law helps watch my kids and I'm grateful to her for being willing to take on that challenge. She is a wonderful nana to them and they love her so much.

Happy mother's day, Annette. And happy birthday. :)

Mother's Day Women: Part 3

Today I am thankful for Aunt Ginger (technically, my husband's aunt but we're married so she's mine too now).

In this picture, she is spoiling my already-spoiled daughter with a chocolate cupcake. Ginger is the kind of mother I want to be, which is why I chose her for today's post. She is real, honest, and loving to her 3 kids. She raises them in such a trusted relationship and her 3 girls seem to be her best friends...unless they're fighting...then she's a reasonable punisher. There are times we get irrational with Petey when she is doing something she isn't supposed to. There are just certain punishments that a 2 year old wont understand...like spanking. I've spanked my daughter and then she turns around and smacks me right back. Duh...not a good idea. I really look up to Ginger as a parent because of her close relationship with her kids. They arent best friends---being a parent comes first---but her kids get along and they respect her as their mother. Ginger is always willing to help with my kids and be a great friend to me too. I feel like we are a lot alike---if I could only be the awesome mom that she is. Maybe someday Ill get there. Im sure she had some trial and error too at my age, right? =D

Happy mother's day, Ginger.

Mother's Day Women: Part 2

Today, I am thankful for ANASAZI Kim. That is what I called her and this is how I remember her.

Kim was a counselor when I went to ANASAZI back in 2005, before either of us became mother's and though I don't think of her as another mother, she is more like an older sister to me. Maybe I was clingy, annoying, and weird but when high school was hard and I needed someone, Kim was there. I skipped school sometimes just to go and see her (Sorry, mom!). In my mind, I needed her. I told her so many things, had so many fun times and also so many serious times with her. Kim was one of the reasons I AM a mother today because without her, I wouldn't have turned my life around and met someone so amazing as my husband. She was a role model and friend and I don't think anybody could have replaced her in my life back then. ANASAZI itself did so many great things for me but it just wouldn't have been the same experience without Kim. She is now a wonderful mother and wife and I am so happy for her. Funny how life has worked out...because back then, you couldn't have paid me to believe that I would have a great life headed my way. Happy mother's day, Kim.

Mother's Day Women: Part 1

I have challenged myself to ponder this week before mother's day, on the mothers that have affected my life throughout the years. Six amazing women have been picked and I will try and post one each day...though today I'm posting 2 since I missed yesterday. :)

The first amazing woman in my life was my Grandma Corbitt. I don't remember her because she passed away from cancer when I was a baby but I feel her. I hear stories of her from my own mother and know she was truly a great woman. She endured a lot in her lifetime but her challenges made her stronger. The only story I remember hearing about my grandma and myself was when I was a baby. She was holding me and she tripped outside but instead of dropping me to break her own fall, she held me tight and protected me and was injured because of it. She must've died shortly after that because I have always associated that fall with my grandmother's death. Once when I was 7 or 8, I fell outside and hurt my ankle. When my mom came to make sure I was ok, I asked her, "Am I going to die like grandma died after she fell?" My dad always tells me that I was born looking so much like my grandma, which I'm ok with because she was beautiful. My mom reminds me often that my grandma is my guardian angel and I know that because, like I said before, I feel her. Someday I'll get to know my grandma. Someday we will talk and I will physically be able to tell her how much she means to me. For now, she is in my heart and she will forever be there.

Happy mother's day, Grandma.