Time Out for Women 2013

 It's been a long time. I had forgotten what I'm missing out on.

As an 8 year old girl, I chose to be baptized and have the opportunity to have the Holy Ghost with me at all times.  Ever since that special day in my life, I've known that I had the power to keep the Spirit close to me. There have been times where I've kept it and could feel the Holy Ghost near me and other times where it seemed almost non-existent because of my stubborn will. But I always knew it was a part of me.

It really has been a while. I have received answers to prayers and felt peace in my life but it has been a while since I have felt the physical touch of angels surrounding me. There is no other way to explain it. It was real. It was powerful.

At Time Out for Women this weekend, I had overwhelming feelings of joy and sadness...yes, at the same time sometimes. It's confusing to be going through a hard time but also realizing how incredibly blessed your life is. Last night, my tears turned into sobs as I listened to Hilary Weeks sing "Beautiful Heartbreak"; one of my absolute favorite songs. I needed my mom and she was right there for me. I felt like a child again, laying my head on her shoulder and crying, and it felt so safe. I'm so lucky she's there for me.

Some of my favorite quotes from the weekend {most of them aren't word for word, just my fast note taking}:

Brad Wilcox:
Growth is optional which is why the atonement is a gift, not forced upon us.
Change is difficult.
We have to stop relying on willpower and rely on His power.
God requires eventual perfection, not immediate perfection.

Sheri Dew:
God will heal us of our weaknesses if we plead with Him.
The Lord will not force us to learn.

Mary Ellen Edmunds:
If we let something stay in our hearts, good or bad, it will grow.

S. Michael Wilcox:
Unless you pour out the grief and bitterness {in prayer}, God cannot pour back in the things that you need.
Never take counsel from your fears.
When I knock, they will open immediately if they know My voice.

Richie Norton:
Sometimes bad things happen so we can become more authentic.
Know yourself by knowing Him.

Laurel Christensen Day:
Fear of failure will plague us.
Be careful that you're not afraid of your own success.
If I want to change, I need to believe in myself.
Fight fear with love.
Don't stop petitioning the Lord for the righteous desires of your heart.
Peace is not always the thing you feel before you face your fears but it comes right after.

Can you tell I loved the speakers? Did any of those quotes speak to you in some way? Those were definitely ones that had stuck out to me last night and today. I have a few thoughts I wanted to add.

I often fear the outcomes in my life before anything happens. I fear the worst because naturally, the worst is just going to happen, right? I'm paranoid about bad things happening because I feel like I've been tested so much these past 3 years. Some days, I have a "Why not me" attitude but other days, I just can't help but feel sorry for myself and wish I had made better choices or tried harder or been better in some way. I could have fixed everything that's happened right? I could've fixed the infertility and the marriage hardships, right? It's my fault, right?
Wrong.
Plain and simple, that is so sincerely wrong.
Every day, I learn something new. Some of the best lessons I've learned recently have been in regards to my faith AND my suffering. I used to think there just must be something wrong with me because God was testing me too much. Did it mean I was oh so very weak and that he needed me to 'buck up'? Or maybe it meant that the good things I was doing in life weren't good enough to earn the title of "righteous". Some days, I listen intently to my Heavenly Father but other days, his words seem almost mixed with Satans and it's a hard job to figure out who is talking and whether I should believe their words.

An important lesson I've learned is that God does not make us feel worried or fearful or worthless. If I'm having those thoughts, I try so hard to recognize that they are from Satan so I can replace them with truth.
The truth is, I'm awesome. Ok, just kidding, but really... ;)
We all are. I'm brave and I'm strong and I know I am important to my Heavenly Father. I know He trusts me, sometimes too much, and I know He is aware of my needs. He creates miracles out of the trials in my life. Some are easy to see, others seem to take days, months, or years to recognize; but He is there.

Time Out for Women this year was my favorite so far because I've been feeling like I was done; like maybe God had made a mistake and accidentally given me too much to handle this time.
Truth? He doesn't make mistakes.
I'm constantly learning and growing and being stretched beyond what I believed to be my capacity. But here I am, alive and actually feeling joyful most of the time. That in and of itself is a true miracle.

The tradition of Time Out for Women is something I'll always be grateful for [Thanks, Karin]. To be surrounded by my sisters and mother for a weekend is something I need every year. I'm so blessed.

The very first video they showed yesterday was almost my exact story but with different people involved; or so it seemed from my view. I know God knew what I needed to hear this weekend.

 How I love these awesome friends of mine. I didn't think I could have more respect and love for them but after this weekend, I sincerely do. Everyone has trials. Everyone has heartache. It's real for everyone and comparing doesn't make your problem any less or more than you currently believe it is. It is what you personally feel, not what someone else thinks or feels.

The hardest part about this weekend was missing my kids. I'm not really the type of mom who loves a weekend away from her kids. Maybe that's because I feel I've been getting too many weekends away from my kids; the biggest downfall that comes with sharing them.

 But tonight was real and the Spirit in our home was strong. It stayed with me from Time Out for Women and it carried through our bedtime prayers and stories. It was the first time in weeks that I had specifically and individually prayed for my children and their needs during this difficult time. I often pray for me and think that will keep them going and that is partly true but this is a family trial. No one is exempt and I don't like knowing that! Why should my kids have to go through hard times? It just isn't fair.

But I know through the power of love from me and their Father in Heaven, they can become whole again and live successful, loving, happy lives. It isn't impossible. It is actually quite possible.

So tonight, I layed down with each child for a few minutes, something that proves difficult when you put them to bed at the same time and it's just you doing so. But I knew it needed to be done and I was determined to remind them of their worth and potential tonight. After saying prayers with Petey, she looked up and me and said, "Mommy, that was the best prayer I have ever heard in my life." And as I cried and held her while she drifted off to dreamland, I was so grateful for the Spirit and the opportunity we have to feel it in our own home.

We are so blessed.
I am so blessed.

Time Out for Women 2012

Well, it's official. Both of my out of state sisters have gone back home to California and Virginia. I wish they both could've staye forever but I guess their husband's and homes were important to them or something... ;)

This past weekend was Time Out for Women, which has become a tradition that my sisters and I usually do with my mom. It was, of course, a wonderful weekend but what was even more wonderful was having my sisters here for longer than just 2 days.

Last Thursday, before TOFW, we headed to Vertuccio Farms with all of the kiddos.

We started at the front and the kids spent a lot of time in this bounce house.

 My sister, Andrea, with her beautiful daughter, Ellie. Just click on the links on the side to baby Ellie if you want to see how BIG she's gotten since the last time I saw her. 5 months makes a huge difference on a baby!

 Petey was having so much fun being surrounded by cousins.

 I love this picture of my nephew, K Bear, in mid-air. I wish the lighting was better but click on the picture to see that silly kiddo flying.

 Of course, all of us adults had to try this out to see who could get the highest. I am proud to say that I am still the strongest because I got a 7.5 and noone else went higher than that. :)

 Spidey decided it was more fun to hitch a ride on the teeter totter and let the other kids do all the work.

I wish I had the super hilarious pictures of us jumping on the huge bubble thing at Vertuccio but sadly, they are on my sisters' cameras. If they ever send them to me, Ill make sure to post them.

 That night, I did a lot of snuggling with this sad little boy, whom we've nicknamed Bugsy. I'll explain why in a couple of pictures...

 Poor Bug has colic and reflux and has a hard time whenever his tummy is hurting.

 But >this< girl is apparently really good at getting him to calm down and sleep...and sometimes even smile! He is such a cutie and I love my nephew so much!

Here is why we call him Bugsy. If you've ever seen Bedtime Stories, you might know what I'm talking about. :)

 Here are all of us at TOFW. Yay for breastfeeding parties. :) I love Karin and my face in this picture. I promise we were just being silly. Nursing doesn't really gross us out. Well, maybe a little...but not really.

 My buddy during TOFW. This kid really likes me! Everyone would have trouble getting him to sleep and I would hold him and he'd be out in a minute. I loved feeling needed by him. My arms were feeling pretty empty with all of the babies around and I am so grateful to Bug for letting me be his second mom for the weekend. He really made my weekend a lot happier and easier.

 Jamie took a picture of Andrea and I with Jericho Road. Unfortunatly, I look like a complete idiot but this is the ONLY picture we got with them. I absolutely loved them performing at TOFW. They are pretty hilarious and amazing singers.

 Jamie stuffed Mini G in her TOFW tote bag. :)

 Karin did the same thing with Bugsy but looked a little bit creepy doing it...

 Isn't this the cutest picture? I am not sure why it's half blue but I do love that Bug was smiling for my picture too.

 We came back Saturday night and Sunday, the whole family got together again. We tried to get a picture of all 3 granddaughters but Ellie just wanted to grabb Mini G. :)

 Later, I got this adorable picture of the two oldest granddaughters. Aren't they beautiful? Petey has been the only granddaughter for almost 4 years so it has been so fun to have more girlies around, even if they're a lot younger than her.

 Ok, this procession of pictures is hilarious. I wanted a picture of everyone snuggling on the couch but K Bear closed his eyes.

 Then, after we told him to keep them open, Spidey purposefully closed his.

 In the last picture, Petey and K Bear are trying REALLY hard to keep their eyes wide open. Maybe we should've nicknamed one of them Bugsy...

 Two buddies. They are exactly 18 months apart and they get along pretty well. I love Petey having so many cousins to play with.

And let's just end it on this note...I have the cutest son!!! :)

What makes me happy?

Over on the Time Out For Women blog, they asked readers to blog about the things that make us happy. I feel like this is going to be a long blog post because there are SO many things that make me happy! I'll try to narrow it down to some of the most important ones in my life.Visiting my church's temple always brings me happiness. I love taking my kids there so they can grow up knowing how special that place is. Babies make me so happy. Being around little newborns who have just come from Heaven is such a neat experience, especially when it is your own children. When my children get along! I remember my mom always saying that it made her happy when my sisters and I would treat each other nicely and I never quite understood it until I had 2 children of my own who sometimes fight. I love it when they do nice things for each other!

Watching old videos of my children makes me happy. Technology in general is such an amazing thing and I love that I have the opportunity to remember my children in different stages of their life. In this ADORABLE video, Petey is a couple of months younger than Spidey is right now (just about 2 years old).


My sisters make me happy. They are all so incredibly talented and I love that we will always have each other. This is a video from 2010 when we sang the National Anthem at an ASU basketball game. If we all lived in town, we would still be doing it but unfortunatly, a couple of those girlies decided to move out of state!


I cannot express enough how much I love staying home with my children. It brings me the most happiness throughout my days. I know I am lucky and that not every mother gets to do what I do so I try not to take it for granted. We have SO much fun at our house and I love engaging my children in activities that I love, one of them being dance. (Doesn't Petey have some awesome dance moves?:)

What makes YOU happy?

Today, I am linking up to the TOFW blog.

And that's how Suze sees it.

Time Out for Women

I know I mentioned that last weekend we went to Time Out for Women in Phoenix. What I didn't mention was that I do this every year (well, last year was my first year to go but still...) with my mom and sisters and we have a girls weekend. Andrea came in town from California and Karin came in town all the way from Virginia!
Friday morning, we set off on our kidless/husbandless adventure.

Booyah---I got shotgun. :)

We droe straight to our hotel to drop our bags off before deciding what we were going to do.

After a little snacking and tv watching in the hotel room, we decided to walk to the Arizona Science Center.

At first, I didn't really want to go. We hae taken our kids there many times and I did not know why us 5 adults would go by ourselves but we ended up having a blast.

We did wheelchair races (I'm pretty sure the right wheelchair was easier to use because whoever sat in that chair won every time).

My mom even had some passes to ride their tight rope bike. Hello, freaky!

Luckily, I couldn't go on it because I didn't have close toed shoes...

Wrong! They talked me into doing it and wearing my mom's tennis shoes. I got about halfway and then started pedaling forward because it was freaking me out.

Jamie was the last one to do it and just did the entire thing really fast, which was the smartest thing to do.

Then we headed to another section of the museum where you get to experience natural disasters. Sound like fun? Just take a look at the pictures and you tell me whether we had fun...

Hurricanes, tornadoes, extreme heat, rain, etc. We experienced it all. :)

Any of the picture that look super orange are from the "extreme heat" weather.

Then, we all layed on the bed of nails. You actually lie down on the flat surface and when you push the button, the nails raise you up. I was really scared to do it but it felt really cool!

In the picture of Jamie, you can see her lifted in the air by the nails. Weird!

I learned about graity and spun myself around on this little thing until I was ready to throw up. I really almost did.

After the science center, we ate dinner and headed to our program for the night. We heard some amazing talks and had a great time and after it was all over, we decided to go get ice cream...because that's what you do when you're walking around Phoenix when it's 60 degrees outside.

We got our ice cream and started walking back to our hotel when it started RAINING. At first, it sprinkled...then it poured. We did not know what to do so we just walked back in the rain. I ended up dumping my ice cream because the cup was just filled with rain water.

Andrea's belly took most of the brunt. :) Her back was dry.

It's hard to tell but I was soaking wet...head to toe. My flip flops actually kept slipping on the side walk and I'm just thankful I didn't fall.

The next morning, we headed back to Time Out for Women early enough for...

...front row seats!!!!!! I was really excited because we were only 6 or 7 chairs down from the speakers.

Contrary to what this picture shows, my mom sat up by Andrea and I. Jamie and Karin opted to sit back a couple of rows so they didn't have to crane their necks as much as we did.

I only got one picture during the program of Hilary Weeks singing one of her songs. It really was an amazing weekend and I'm already looking forward to next year. :)

And that's how Suze sees it.

Beautiful Heartbreak

I had an amazing weekend with my sisters and mom.

(The closest photo I was willing to take with Brad Wilcox(He's in the blue shirt, yellow tie). I felt bad bugging him just for a picture and when my mom took this picture, I was laughing too hard.)

But the week before was really hard. Most nights, I felt depressed and alone...besides my wonderful husband, that is. I can feel myself growing further apart from close friends and working full time is not helping that. I would come home to a dirty house, exhausted husband, and kids that still needed my love and attention. Of course, I was also exhausted, having just worked for 8 hours. I am not sure why this experience is so much harder than my experience of coming back to work in July. Everything just seems harder.

I really feel like I've been trying. I want to be positive and happy but I can't seem to find either of those feelings for very long each day. I want to blog and tell you about how I've been working hard to become a nurturer (since I still haven't posted an update about my 'Mothers Who Know Are Nuturers' post) but really, I think I've been getting worse than my normal, homemaking self. At least before, I cooked a couple times a week and kept the house clean almost every day.


I know they need me. And what I learned this weekend was that family matters most. My children matter most. To dwell on the best friends that come and go or the things we cannot purchase all becomes unimportant when thinking about eternity. I realized this weekend that my husband is my best friend. I may not have a girl best friend but he tries harder tI o love and care for me than anybody else in the world. Why do I not give him enough credit? Why am I constantly feeling like I need more from him when, after taking a step back, I realize he is doing everything that he can?
I am so loved.

If you have some time, please watch thise video from Hilary Weeks. She showed us the music video this weekend during Time Out for Women and I cried through the whole thing.

I may have heartbreak but I can already see the effects of it changing my life and I am grateful for it's beauty. I pray for others going through fertility, not just myself. I often hope that my friends dealing with infertility can get pregnant, and I often hope that it's before I do. As weird as this sounds, I am grateful that my journey so far is teaching me to love others and to think about them, before thinking of myself. I am already grateful for my PCOS...I just wish that since I've learned from it, Heavenly Father would take it back away from me. :) But you know, that isn't how it works and I know He will always be there to lift me up when I am weak.

And that's how Suze sees it.