My Perfect Life

 Summer is an incredibly disgusting and beautiful time.

I hate the heat. I can hardly stand it most days. I always feel sweaty and dirty. I can't allow the kids outside as much. It's just annoying and gross.
But then there's the element of fun. School is out. The kids are home with me and we spend a lot more time together. We take vacations and learn new things and fill our nights with sleepovers and late bedtimes.

The way I feel about summer is the way I feel about life.

It's hard and stupid and amazing, sometimes all at the same time.
I can go from irrational fear to giggling in minutes. {This does not make me crazy...or maybe it does.}

Sometimes the days are extremely, painfully long while other times, they seem to pass by too quickly.

 I think that's why I've always loved Glennon from Momastery's description of life as my "messy beautiful".

Because it is both.

The sun can be shining and the birds can be singing but sometimes, everything around me feels so dark.

There are afternoons where a storm will sweep in and instead of allowing the clouds to hover over me and dim the light, I go out and dance in the rain.

 It's been amazing to be able to mix the things I'm learning in school with my every day life.

Because I used to feel so ashamed when I would have meltdowns. I used to think adults didn't do that. I used to think hard days made me weaker.

They don't.

The ability to talk about the hard stuff and allow my emotions to go to those dark places sometimes is actually a strength.
I don't often stay in the dark but it's ok to visit. In fact, visiting the dark places helps me to brighten the light places.
And if I do end up staying there for a while, that's ok too. It's ok to feel weighed down by life. Life is hard. It's ok to feel anger and sadness and fear. All of those things are valid.

 I just try and make sure that whatever emotions I'm feeling, I allow them to stay for however long it feels productive. Once those emotions become unproductive and even destructive, then I reach out to others to help me reset.

 The beauty of life is that we CAN reset. We don't have to be stuck. We have the opportunity to change if we really want to.

Among the sadness that I feel, I also feel so much joy. I feel so grateful to be alive, to be living out many of my dreams right now.

On my hard days, I try to remember the good stuff too. I try to remember that even though there seems to be a lot of bad, there is even more good.

Life won't ever be perfect, although that'd be super nice. It won't always be rainbows and sunshine and butterflies. But maybe that wouldn't be "the perfect life".

Maybe life is perfect. Because life is doing exactly what it was intended to do. Life is teaching me and pushing me to grow and allowing me the ability to feel compassion for others. Life is giving me hard days and easy days, happy memories and messy ones, and even though it doesn't always feel perfect---maybe it is. Maybe this is a perfect life.

 I guess until now, I've never really thought of it that way.

When I look back on the events in my life, the hardest ones have taught me the most. I hate saying that because my goodness, I do NOT want hard things to come my way, but I can recognize the growth within myself.

I can look back on the little girl that I was and how much love and compassion I had for other people. I know I talk about how hard I was as a kid but the truth is, I was an amazing little girl. And I'm not being sarcastic. I was often worried about other people and trying to help others. But I didn't have the knowledge or patience that I have now. I wasn't mature enough to hold my tongue when angry words were ready to spill over.

And although I'm not perfect at it now, I try really hard to be the type of person that loves others, even those who hurt my heart.

My kids and I got to have a short conversation about this today. As we were leaving church, I saw a lady whom I truly admire and I called out to her and told her she was gorgeous. As soon as we got in the car, my little girl asked why I had said that and I told her it was because this lady is one of my heroes. She may not know that I look up to her but I do. Princess asked why I like her so much and I said, "Because she is so kind to everyone around her and that is the type of person I want to be."

And it's the truth. I want to be kind and loving, patient and slow to anger. I want to see others how Heavenly Father sees them.

And maybe it sounds easy on paper but it isn't. I still find myself getting frustrated when I'm feeling misunderstood by someone. It isn't easy to hold my tongue when others are saying hurtful things.

But it's a process. In this perfectly messy life that I live, I am slowly becoming the person that I want to be.

Carlsbad: Part 4

 Yay for the final part of our Carlsbad trip! We had a week long trip and it's taken me a week to post about it. Not bad.

On Friday, we drove down to San Diego to visit Old Town. My mom grew up in San Diego so we try to go every time we visit Carlsbad.

We stopped at a little Mexican restaraunt in Old Town. Here is a picture of the group minus Karin and her family. They were sitting on the other side of me.

 Aren't I so lucky that I get to have these people with me for eternity?

 There was a guy singing and my kiddos just couldn't help but dance to his music.

 Petey was the best at getting Bug to smile. She could make that kiddo laugh in no time.

After lunch, we walked up and down the streets of Old Town. My mom took half of the group to this house that was believed to be haunted and the rest of us walked up to the Mormon Battalion site.

 Only my sister, Andrea, and my brother, Will, wanted to do the tour this year so the rest of us just hung out at the front of the site. Spidey and K Bear loved that there were rocking chairs just their size.

 Baby Bug slept the whole time. His parents were at the haunted house so I got to take care of him for 30 minutes. :)

The next 3 pictures are SO my husband. Just take a look.

 After the Mormon Battalion, we were done and we headed home to get ready for a date night while my mom watched all of the kids.

We ate dinner at Chart House which was about 20 minutes from our condo. It was right on the beach and though the prices were high, the food made it worth it. We were sitting right by a huge window facing the beach and the sun was setting. I kept thinking it couldn't get any more perfect but then dolphins started popping up out of the water every couple of minutes. It was absolutely magical. I'm not being sarcastic. I could not have imagined a better last night to our trip.

 Saturday morning, it was time to head home. Andrea and I were in one car with all of the kids and we let Boss ride home with Andrea's husband, Jp. Lucky dads.

 We stopped at a gas station because my kids had earned some money from Boss on our way to Carlsbad. They each started with $2 earned, Petey ended up with $2 at the end of the week, Spidey ended up with $1 at the end of the week. Petey chose Cracker Jacks which quite certainly are the perfect treat for her. She loves popcorn, she loves nuts, and she loves sugar.

 Spidey chose a bag of chips and was nice enough to share them with K Bear.

The trip took a bit longer with cranky kids and needing a couple more stops for food and bathrooms. Spidey was in a pull up and had a blow out. It was quite surprising since it's been over 6 months since I've had him have a #2 accident but it was ok. It is all over with now. :)

 When we got home, we were trying to clean out my mom's truck so I put Ellie in the baby swing. I was thinking she would fight it since she's not a newborn but she loved it and stayed there for a long while.

Auntie Andrea was nice enough to drive the kids around in the wheelchair for a while. They had tons of fun.

Though our trip was long and sometimes exhausting, I am so glad to have spent that time making memories with my family. I am so grateful to everyone who helped out with my kids throughout the week and made this trip one to remember.

Carlsbad: Part 3

 I was thinking I'd be able to split up our Carlsbad posts into just 3 parts but my pictures are telling me otherwise. So now you have a Part 4 to look forward to. Yay, you.

Anyway, the day after Legoland, we decided to go to this fun park down the street from the condos.

Even though this picture is a awkward one of my son, it just shows how happy he was to be with cousins. Also, K Bear is 6 weeks younger than him. My kid is small...

 Petey showed us all how she can swing herself in the baby swings. She just stands up in it and rocks back and forth. Also, I am loving the smile in Ellie's face!

 Documentation that George and his family were in Carlsbad with us. This is the only picture I have of anyone in the Taylor family from that day. Sorry, guys.

 Oops, I was mistaken. Mini G is in a picture next to Bug here so that would be another picture of a Taylor. :) I'm thinking the size difference here is going to be kind of like K Bear and Spidey. Bug is actually a week older than Mini G but he's tons smaller.

 As you can see, Petey loves her baby girl cousins. She followed Ellie around most of the park day.

 My parents are pretty darn cool. They were over playing football in the grass while the kids played at the park. Funny enough, there is another Taylor kiddo in this picture so I guess I got more pictures of them than I thought.

Some of my favorite things about the park were actually playing with my kids and not sitting and watching them. I hope to always remember the fun we had that day, playing tag and going down the slides together. Usually when we go to a park, I sit in the grass and my kids play with each other. I was glad that I actually played with them.

Now onto Thursday...another beach day!

It was foggy and chilly that day so Petey wore her coat to the beach. Seriously.

 Spidey braved it and just wore his swimsuit {It really wasn't that cold...}

 Our first beach picture of the day. Is anyone else loving Petey's new swimsuit as much as I do? I think it's adorable.

 It's ridiculously unfair how easily she can tan...

After a while of playing in the sand and enjoying the beautiful day, I asked Petey if she wanted to do some tricks while I took pictures. Since she obliged, there are a lot of pictures of her from that beach day.

 Gearing up for handstands is serious business.

 Ellie loved the sand and ventured out a bit more that day. She is such a cutie.

 Spidey playing in the sand. We didn't want to let the kids get too wet because of how cold it was outside. I knew they'd be miserable if we let them get soaked again.

 My favorite picture of Petey that day. I was proud of her pointed toes. I know I'm hoping she'll grow up loving dancing like I did but if she doesn't, I'll be ok with whatever she chooses to do.

 Straddle jumps. No pointed toes but a pretty darn good straddle. That is one of her favorite things to do at home.

 Can you see why I take so many pictures of her? She poses herself for my camera whenever I pull it out.

 Boss did let the kids get their feet wet right before we left the beach. Nice daddy.

My absolute favorite picture of the day. Silly little Spidey would pull his feet up every time a wave would come so he wouldn't get wet. He is such a funny little kid. Lucky for him, his dad and uncle held his hand tight so he could just pull his feet up whenever he wanted.

Stay tuned for Part 4! Ironically, I wish I was done posting these Carlsbad pictures because I have other posts churning around in my busy mind.