Should I Stay?

 Sometimes I look at the views on my blog posts and I'm stunned that 100 of you (and often times more) read my words.

My words. 

I feel blessed that you'd even want to go on this journey with me, through the ups and downs of my chaotic life.
Sometimes it feels weird, blogging openly about my life, but I'd be doing it even if you weren't reading. I'd be sitting at this same chair, typing these same words, even if no one read them.

A part of me feels like they are for you but I know they're really for me, for my healing and sanity in the midst of all the crazy.

I wanted to touch on a subject that I've written about many times---probably more times than most people are comfortable with.

I've had a lot of people over the past two years tell me the bits and pieces of their story and then ask if I think they should stay or go.

Each time this happens, the answer is the same:

I cannot answer that.

Or maybe it is that I will not answer it.
I guess I could very easily tell someone that their marriage sounds like a train wreck and that they should move out and file divorce paperwork.

But that is not my advice to give. In fact, that is nobody's advice to give---except maybe a licensed professional. Maybe.

Maybe I feel so strongly about this because I got opposing advice after my husband left me.
You should file. You should fight for him. You should_______fill in the blank_______. 

And although maybe it should've helped, all it did was confuse me more. Because I wanted to please everyone and take their advice but I couldn't make both opposing decisions.

The truth is that the decision was only mine to make. It wasn't anybody else's---except for my husband's. {duh}
The people who were telling me to fight for him---they weren't there for the nights I cried myself to sleep, wondering what was wrong with me and why I felt the uneasiness that I did.
The people who were telling me to file for divorce---they didn't witness the times my husband supported me and I saw glimpses of a happy future together.

Nobody knew the full story. Nobody knew what I was feeling inside or what answers God had given me.

Nobody felt the pain that I felt or the anxiety that stopped me in my tracks on countless occasions. Nobody saw how truly scared I was that my life was over.

And really, nobody knew how deeply it hurt to feel so abandoned by the person who had promised me eternity. Nobody could see the turmoil that churned inside of me as I put my brave face on each day.

They couldn't have. I never expected them to.

But because they didn't have the knowledge that I had, nobody could make that scary decision for me.

Because of so many personal experiences, I know that I cannot decide whether you should go or stay. I know that I cannot tell you that my story is similar enough to yours that you should mirror my decisions.

No two stories are alike because no two people are alike.

Your heart may want to stay and if it does, you'd have my blessing.
Your heart may want to run away and if it does, you'd have my blessing.

Both choices are brave. 

One does not make you weak while the other makes you strong.

I've been told many times that I'm brave for being a single mom {not that I really had a choice} and I am. I am brave to be raising my kids the majority of the time and going to school and working.
But I've seen women who stay, who fight for their marriage and learn how to trust when they didn't think they could ever trust again and to me, that is equally as brave.

Either one might will most likely cause you to break for a while. 

But as surely as I know that the sun will rise again tomorrow, I know that you won't break forever. I know that you are capable of carrying on with or without a spouse by your side.

If you have children, your decision might be messier but I know that children can be ok. They can heal.
It might take extra late nights or therapy or them spewing their hurt and anger at you daily---and it might even take all of those things. But they can be ok.

For us, it didn't fall into place in a day. In fact, sometimes it still seems out of whack.

I watched as my children became different, less trusting of others and more angry at the world. I watched as the light in their eyes seemed to darken and tears poured out daily. I watched their confusion and pain.

And I've watched it slowly repair. I've watched them show empathy toward others who are hurting. I've watched them love harder and become closer to each other.

It's hard when you're faced with decisions that seem daunting and life-altering. I get it and I'm here for you.
I cannot tell you what decision will be right for you in the end but I do know that you're capable of making that decision---and you're even allowed to change your mind.

Life is a lot more fluid than I used to believe it was. Although it is filled with highs and lows, it is filled with so many second chances.

I remember what it was like to feel like I was in a deep, dark pit where the sun did not exist. I remember how scary it was to separate from my husband and figure out how to live independently.

If you're there, I'm here. 

My biggest advice would be to reach out and let others carry some of the burdens you can give up for a while.
Keep yourself safe. Make your decision based on what will keep you physically and emotionally safe.
Remember to care for yourself. So often, we get caught up in helping others or raising our children that we forget to take care of ourselves too.
Create boundaries with the people in your life. Speak up about what you need and what you don't need. Tell them when they offend you and when they're being helpful. Teach them how to help you---they won't always know what to do.

Marriage is hard. Divorce is hard.
Life is pretty dang hard.

But you are stronger than you think. 

Eight Years

 Eight years ago, I made a decision that ultimately affected my life forever.

I married my then-husband in the Mesa, Arizona temple.

 Soon we had children.

 The cutest freaking children in the entire world!

 Although marriage wasn't perfect, I felt like I was exactly where I was supposed to be, doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing.

 My whole life revolved around raising children. I was home with them all day and all night. I felt like life was what I had hoped it would be.

Eight years.

I was exactly 19.5 years old the day I got married (So happy half-birthday to me today!). I hadn't planned it that way. In fact, as my friends were dreaming of marriage, I was planning on becoming a nanny in another country or attending college in another state. I wanted to move out and have some time to grow.

But I did it exactly the way I was supposed to do it. I fell in love and got married. I was exactly the age I was supposed to be and it all fell into place.

 Life was rocky and beautiful. There was so much good.

Last year, as April 14th crept up on me, I knew I didn't want this day to be full of sadness for what could've been. I wanted it to be full of good memories and happiness. So we started a tradition of celebrating the day our family became a family.

It may look different. We might be a split family. But without April 14th, 2007, my children wouldn't be here. So today, we celebrate the choices two people made to bring those amazing little chicklets into the world.

 We celebrated today by having dinner at Texas Roadhouse and I told my children stories of my wedding day. I told them how happy we were and how amazing it was to welcome each of them into the world.

 And when they asked why it ended, we talked about how sometimes things don't go the way we planned them.

But God is always there. Even when the hardest thing we ever thought possible happens, we are never alone.

And each time they would start to get stuck on the heartache of our divorce, I would bring them back with a happy memory.

I emphasized how real those memories are. I emphasized that no matter what life is like now, back then it was how it was supposed to be. I loved their dad and he loved me. And together, we love the two of them so very, very much.

I really can't believe it's been 8 years since that sunny April day.

Sometimes I'm sad that it turned out this way but then I look at my two children and how much I've grown and all I have is a heart full of gratitude for these past 8 years.

365 Days of Divorce

 I wasn't quite sure what I expected to feel this week because the feelings I had these exact moments a year ago were quite confusing.
When the papers arrived in the mail with the date stamped February 18th, 2014, I knew what they held. In that large manila envelope was a series of paperwork, all signed and dated by a Maricopa County judge.

It was over.

Seven years of the life we had built were over.

Goodbye, commitment.

It all seemed so broken.

But I had been waiting for those papers because I wanted things to move on. I think I figured if those papers came, I could feel a sense of closure and healing.
That didn't happen. 
Instead I panicked. I turned to the comfort of my eating disorder. I started failing classes. I was full of anxiety most days. I cut off my friends and family slowly.
I didn't realize just how badly I was hurting. I didn't realize how much fear was the deciding factor in my daily choices.

This morning, I was on the computer and thinking about a year ago and the 6 months before that where the separation and lawyer meetings and fights and anger and figuring out custody were pretty much running my life. I looked up pictures from that time---I found the pictures I had uploaded 2 days before he left me. None of them had been edited or saved correctly on the computer. I don't think I had looked at them at all since sliding that memory card into the computer that day because two days later, my life was so drastically changed.

My kids seemed so little back then. I wish I could've bottled them up like this and protected them in so many ways. And then I think about it and I'm glad they've gone through it with me because my kids are some of the bravest I know. They have had to learn a lot about themselves throughout the past year and a half.

 The thing about divorce is that you and your ex-spouse are in charge of how things go.
In the beginning, these questions are started with: Who is filing the paperwork? Will you get lawyers? Who stays in the house? How often do the kids go from one house to the other? Who pays the other or is it evenly split? 
Those questions seem kind of obvious with divorce. Everyone has to figure them out.

But then there are the questions such as: What goals do we have after our divorce? Are we working together to keep our kids healthy and loved? Are we fighting in front of them? Are we going to swallow our pride and treat each other with respect? Are we going to allow the kids to be with the both of us in the same room?

 It's confusing sometimes. 
None of those questions were answered in a day. I've thought about all of them multiple times throughout this past year. I've figured out my personal boundaries and then changed them a few times to make sure I feel safe. I've prayed about my childrens' needs and tried my best to make sure they are ok. In fact, that alone has been the cause of a lot of my anxiety.

I want my children to come out of this as emotionally healthy as possible.

 And I believe they will.

Not only because of what I do for them but because of what their dad does for them. I don't need a marriage contract to know that he is a good dad. He has learned to be there for them too.

My anger toward my ex-husband has eased an incredible amount in the past year. I am working on forgiving him and I believe with the help of my Savior and His atonement, I will be able to completely heal and find my heart at peace.

 I really CAN believe it has been this long. In fact, it feels like it's been even longer. I feel like I've been single for years and I'm kind of, sort of, REALLY ready to change that.
But...God's timing is not my timing...and for today, I'm ok with that. Actually, my heart and my brain don't quite agree on what "my timing" should be anyway so I think it's best to just trust that God knows.

In the meantime, we are a year stronger and wiser. I really would never trade these past few years for anything. I know not everyone would say that and it may seem odd. It's not that I WANTED to be divorced---I didn't. But this past year has taught me just how capable I am of being on my own. I have grown up a lot and have become a much better person. I find myself looking at the entire world differently---more lovingly than I did before. I find myself realizing that sometimes the people we think are the meanest and rudest are the people who need us the most. Often times, the people not smiling are hurting inside and are longing for human connection.

Living with empathy is a much better way to live life. I wouldn't change the infertility or the divorce or the many 'disorders' I have on my medical records. Each and every time I am given something, I learn a whole slew of new things and I become a better person than I was before.

It's weird to think that I've only known about The Togetherness Project for a year because those people that I've met have been life-changing for me. It's weird to think that a year ago, I still didn't know why my marriage had ended. That came later. And although I have many days where the effects of my failed marriage haunt me, I know that I am strong enough to live with the memories and even smile when remembering some of them.

It wasn't all bad. In fact, a lot of it was good. 

Most importantly, I am grateful that it all happened. I am grateful for seven years of a marriage. I find myself learning from those experiences every day. I wouldn't change it. That took a while for me to be able to say. For a while, I blamed myself for getting married in the first place. Who does that at 19?!! (just kidding, to all of my teenage married friends) I didn't know if I could forgive myself for making what I had decided was a stupid decision.

But without my marriage, I wouldn't have my children. Without my marriage, I wouldn't have Togetherness or my ward family or the extended in-law family I was able to fall in love with for seven years. And without my divorce, I wouldn't be the person that I currently am. I probably wouldn't be pursuing a bachelors degree in Human Development and a masters degree in Counseling.

It isn't that staying married would've been horrible. It could've been amazing. We had the choice to make it amazing---and we did not both choose for that to happen.

Three hundred and sixty five days of this life---and I have faith that we will all be ok. 

I Am Enough

Why is this so easy to forget?

The words look so simple on paper.

You are enough.

12 letters full of truth.


I have been on a struggling roller coaster through hell lately and I'm trying to swim up for a breath of air.
It's been quieter this time, slowly seeping through the cracks of the warrior walls I've been working so hard to build. It wasn't a sudden change but I may not be telling the truth if I said it wasn't expected. I think somewhere deep down I knew my work wasn't over. Deep down, I knew I didn't believe my own recovery words.

But although my fight hasn't ended, I haven't given up. In between the really low moments, I take a deep breath and become more authentic and empathetic. I learn new things. I am able to understand more.

I find myself longing to just be home with my children and realizing just how important my life is with them in it. I find myself wanting a marriage that will last through eternity and trying to work toward whatever that will look like when the time comes. I find myself reciting affirmations in the mirror every morning when I get up.

I've come on here to write this post five different times in the past few weeks and each time I try to finish it, I am pulled away by children or I get frustrated because 'authentic me' is afraid of this blog. Authentic me doesn't know which learning experiences to share and which ones to save for face to face conversations. I'm pretty much an open book. I try to be that way because I believe God gave me experiences that can help others. I want to share my life with whomever needs to hear it. Sometimes I just struggle with what that looks like.

My life has changed so much in the past 2 years. I went from struggling to find friends to having so many friends that I want to spend my time with. I went from married to single. But most importantly, I think the reason I would never in a million years change these past few years is because of how much I've learned about life and love and happiness.

I struggle every day of my life with the thoughts that "I'll be happy once I'm married again". I thought that marriage is what made me worthy. Marriage meant somebody loved me. But although I genuinely still struggle with those beliefs, there is a part of me that knows it isn't true.

First of all, sadly, marriage does not guarantee someone loves me. A good marriage is made up of two people who are willing to be authentic with each other and strive to meet the needs of their partner. I wish I could say that is the case with all of our marriages but it isn't.

As a young 19 year old girl, I thought marriage was going to fix all of my past problems. I was marrying a returned missionary in the temple. He was supposed to be perfect. We would have five children and I would stay home while he finished school and provided for us and LIFE WOULD BE GRAND, DAMNIT! I know...it's quite laughable now. Now that I am on the other side of my fairy tale life, I can see how detrimental that kind of thinking is. Because life isn't some fairy tale and I think if we could all learn from our experiences the way I find myself learning, we wouldn't want it to be a fairy tale. 

Marriage doesn't fix problems. Ugh. Groan. Sigh...
I feel like I've heard that message a million times. Suzanne, getting married won't fix your problems. And yet, I find myself arguing, "Well, maybe marriage doesn't fix everyone's problems but surely it'll fix mine..." because I'm all sorts of stubborn and I like to argue with reality.
But the reality is that marriage doesn't fix problems. This is something that has taken me a while to really grasp. Because if marriage gives me worth, it certainly would fix half of the problems I currently have. I've fought with these ideas time and time again but what I've learned is that the above statement is true.
Although marriage can be beautiful, it isn't going to fix your problems.

This is one of the reasons I still fight for myself and my recovery. I want to be married and I know a marriage would fail or at least be much harder if I step into it still entrapped by an eating disorder. I understand that...and so I fight.
I fight for myself and for my future. 

I was talking to a friend about this the other day---about how I believe it's possible to love my life without loving myself. It seems kind of backwards. You would think if I'm not happy with who I am, I wouldn't be happy with what I have but the truth is, that is my life most of the time. I struggle to look at myself in the mirror and believe that I am enough. I spend a lot of time thinking about the "if only's". But I recognize the good all around me. My friendships, my family, my children---each one brings so much light into my life.

I want to believe that I am capable of greatness. I want to believe that I can love myself fully someday.

It has been a long journey and I expect it to continue. But I often think about the future, when I'm old and gray and am looking back on the past. I imagine it will be truly amazing to be able to see the whole picture and realize that I never gave up on myself.

Because warriors don't give up.
And I am a warrior.

You Are Not An Object

***Dear Mom, Don't read this one. It talks about sex. You have been warned. 

At the splash pad yesterday, some friends and I were talking about this article that has been popping up all over Facebook called, "Five Reasons to Have Sex with your Husband Every Night".
Immediately, I wanted to barf and send swear words through the air in the biggest megaphone I could find.

But I hadn't read the article so yesterday, my opinion was invalid.

And today my opinion is no longer invalid.

I even read the article with the best possible scenario of an open mind. I tried to understand the writer's thoughts and feelings but as soon as I got to reason #2, my mind was mostly made up.

This article is not only unrealistic, it borders on possible objectification of women. And yes, it was written by a woman. I will say that a few of her suggestions were fine. I just cannot get on board with this idea as a whole. Are you seriously telling women what they should or shouldn't do with their own body? Because I have a major problem with that.

My least favorite line stated, "Men are far simpler. They need to be fed, they need to be appreciated, and they need to have sex." (I guess since I used a direct quote, I have to add the source as well) Correct me if I am wrong, did she just say they need sex? As in, if a wife doesn't "give it up", her husband might possibly die or search high and low for a female WHO WILL KEEP HIM ALIVE.

Let's try to keep the word need out of a sentence when also using the word sex, mmmmmmk?

Sex is great but it is not a necessity.

The thing is, when most of us imagine marriage, we imagine a lot of perfection. We imagine a lot of bliss and laughter and romance. And some of us get that for a while or maybe even for the long haul.

But most of our marriages don't end up the way we thought them in our heads.

The images we created become foggy. The day we said our vows becomes a distant reality, far from the reality we currently face.
We have financial instability, marital strife, late nights with puking children, etc.

 Our perfect family life becomes mixed with arguments and stress and LIFE.

Life isn't perfect. Marriage isn't perfect. And I am so sick of these articles that depict SEX as a way to make your marriage more perfect. In so many relationships, that can be an extremely damaging subject to talk about.

Because we are not objects and we do not owe anybody anything, not even our spouses. Wait, especially our spouses. Because marriage is an EQUAL relationship and is about intimacy on a level much deeper than anything phsyical. Marriage is about two equal people who feel safe with each other.

And the very second you start telling someone what they should or shouldn't do, regardless of how safe they feel doing so, you walk a dangerous line of inadvertantly showing that person they are failing. They are failing because they've said no when they are so worn out, all they want is to hold hands as they fall asleep. They are failing because after a full day of raising children they cannot please the one person who should love them regardless of their physical intimacy.

Marriage isn't all about sex.

And the second we learn that, the better off we will all be.

The second we stop telling each other what we should and shouldn't do for our marriage or relationship to be better, we will be better off!

Because you have never been in my shoes and I have never been in yours...so why in the heck are we giving each other advice on subjects that are so intimate and sacred between two people?

What happens when the abusive husband reads that article? Or the addict spouse?

Pieces of advice as blunt as the one I am currently discussing are dangerous and can give people a narcissistic power. They can also cause the submissive spouse to give in more than they feel comfortable.

My brain reads articles like this and says Danger! Danger! Danger!

So I guess I'll end with this. I don't fault the author. I don't fault those of you who agree with the article. In a normal, healthy relationship, that article might have pieces of advice that could help the healthiest of healthy marriages.

But as it is with most of our cases, we have ALL gone through or will go through patterns in our marriage that are lower than low, where we may feel like we need to make changes.

So if it comes to that point for you, please remember that you will always have the right to safety in your marriage. You will always have the right to make decisions and not feel pressured to change things you don't want to change.

You have choices at every turn of your life.

Make your life what YOU want it to be.

Because you are not somebody's object.

You are God's child.

The end.

We Could've Done This

I used to blog with tons of pictures and hardly any words---funny how that changes when you feel the need to process and write because you have SO MUCH to get out. People tell me I'm "so good at blogging" but the thing is, without blogging, I feel like I'd go crazy.
This is my space. It is the place I share what I am going through, what my family is going through, and where we are. I tell you things I don't always like telling people in person because talking about the hard in person is awkward and guess who is the world's most emotionally closed off individual? THIS GIRL!

Ask me to be funny and I'll do it. Ask me to open up to you and I probably won't do it. Because I've been taught through life experience that trusting individuals is hard and scary and my emotions are really vulnerable and messy.

I've been burned to the core by a man who should be in my house right now, laying next to me on the couch, watching our favorite shows. I have a hard time watching The Big Bang Theory or Scrubs because those were our shows. Those are things we should currently be doing together. And yet, he is there and I am here. I have a hard time with this even though I'm going to be ok. I have a hard time wrapping my head around the things that went wrong because I am trying to convince myself that although there are always things I can be working on to be a better person, I couldn't have made him stay. I couldn't have changed the decisions he was making for years prior in our marriage. I couldn't have made myself more appealing to him to keep him here.
But ask me if I really believe that. Ask me if I really believe I could've done things differently. Ask me if I blame myself for the things that were essentially out of my control---because I do. I'm just trying really hard to get to a point where I don't.

I know he occasionally reads this and I know his family members read this but I'm so sick and tired of not being more real with how I feel. Because the truth is, he made choices. He made choices that essentially ruined a huge part of my life and his own life---and I say that because I wholeheartedly believe this could've been great and I 3000% believe we would've been a family for eternity.

If we would've been damned from the beginning, I think I'd feel a little bit better about all of this but we weren't. We could've done this. We could have done this!

And it sucks to feel so out of control and to be so angry at a world that I still long to find the good in. I want so badly to see through rose-colored glasses once again. I long to see others as my Heavenly Father sees them, instead of looking around and seeing the heartache and pain that is so deeply embedded into the world around me.

It gets better, right? I will once again believe in humanity, right? I sure hope so because I want to. So badly, I want to.

In the meantime, I'll be over here doing what I normally do, dreaming of the day when I am capable of more. Because someday, I will do more and I will change the world---or not---but I'll try.

Bravery at it's finest, my friends. I can do hard things.

Why Divorce Hasn't Changed My Views on Marriage

 Thoughts of this post have been stewing in my head for months but I knew I wanted some time to really think about how to explain myself and also, how to help others going through something similiar.

When I woke up today, it seemed like the right day to start writing this.

As a little girl, I wanted life to be a fairytale. I dreamed of that man who would sweep me off my feet and who would always be there to love and care for me. 
I just knew that someday, I would be married in the temple and life would give me that stability I had always craved. I had such a firm belief in marriage and hoped that decision would get to be a part of my life someday.
We grow up watching fairytales and wishing those same things for our life but what we aren't always taught is the good is usually intertwined with some very hard. I use the word hard as a noun here because it doesn't have one simple meaning. Hard can mean debt or loss of trust or infidelity or little arguments or death or loss of motivation or impatience, among many, many other things. No one gets to have a perfect marriage because no one is perfect. Marriage isn't always fun and it takes work, a lot of work, to figure life out together but marriage is worth it.
And why do I believe marriage is worth it?
Marriage, when both parties are committed, is beautiful. It goes beyond a serious relationship because you have vowed to stick it out, through thick and thin. Marriage is loving someone at their best and continuing to love them at their worst. Marriage is trust, a whole lot of trust. It is teachable, humbling, and can be so much fun! Most importantly, I believe marriage is ordained of God. It is a sacred bond between two people who love and respect one another. I believe God is not only forgiving, He understands when marriages fall apart. He understands why and He knows that because of certain situations, it's ok to let go. But out of all the failed marriages, that isn't the case for even half of them. God wants us to give our heart to our spouse but to also love them enough to give them our time, our respect, and our trust. It's really hard work and some days, it seems like it would be easier to be single and have more freedom but I have been in a marriage where I wanted to succeed and I have been in a marriage where I wanted to give up {If you're confused, I'm referring to the same marriage since I've only been married once}, and I will say that when two people are working hard together, marriage a beautiful experience, far outweighing the pro's of being single.
As a wife who had just celebrated her one year anniversary, I was listening to some crap radio on the way to work when they were talking about infidelity and how it is very normal to cheat on your spouse around year 7. They justified infidelity on so many levels and I was floored. I knew I couldn't just sit there and listen to a discussion on such a sacred subject without adding my own thoughts. Something inside of me told me to call the radio station and I did. I was put on the air and started explaining what I believed and why I believed it. I was in the middle of saying something when the radio host asked how long I had been married. I gave them the honest answer and they started laughing. And not only did they laugh, they remained talking about me for at least a few minutes before I turned off the station, red with embarrassment.
I had only been married a year. I had no idea what that 7 year itch was like! I had no credibility.
That day, I was saddened by the loss of faith in marriage these days. I couldn't believe that some people thought marriage wasn't all that important and that committing to someone forever was truly unrealistic.
I knew my life would be different. We would get past whatever 7 year itch they were referring to because we were strong and committed.

And then one day, about 6.5 years into our marriage, one half of our marriage decided he wanted out and let me tell you, one of the first things that flashed through my mind was that radio conversation from 6 years ago. I was angry. Actually, angry is an understatement. I couldn't believe this was going to be my life. I tried to place blame everywhere, including on myself---and I still do at times.
We had become part of that norm. Our marriage that was supposed to last forever was dissolved in a matter of days. I knew when he moved out that he wouldn't be coming back, not because him or I had made any decisions but because I had prayed for days about it.
I tried to accept it. I tried to understand that I was now part of a social norm when I didn't want to be. It was my fairytale's nightmare.

But three days after it happened, three days after sinking so low and not wanting to leave my house and crying until there were no tears left, I picked myself up and decided this wasn't some norm. This wasn't the end of my fairytale. I had decisions in this!

So I decided not to lose my faith in marriage. I decided to trust that it would be possible to be with someone for eternity.
Although it is going to take a lot to trust and a lot of work, I have faith in marriage.

 I know marriage is hard. I know it is work. And I know it is scary.

But so is letting my children leave my sight and going to school full time and planning on being brave enough to own my own practice someday.

Life is scary because we don't get to decide what choices everyone else makes. We don't get to control the world and decide who stays in our lives and who leaves.

But we do get to decide how we handle life. We get to decide what attitude we have with the situations we are given. We get to decide if we are going to take the left path or the right path.

Yes, marriage takes two people but we really only get to decide if we are all in. We can't force anyone else. We can't make them stay or make them appreciate us. All we can do is try to show them we want them to stay and show them we appreciate them. How we treat others is 100% our choice and it is imperative that we take that choice seriously. We affect others on a daily basis.

Marriage taught me so much more than I ever could have imagined. As a young 19 year old girl, I was blissfully in love and felt like the heartache from my growing up years was over. But marriage taught me to look outside myself and live for someone else. Marriage taught me things I never planned on learning.
And divorce has taught me even more.
I think what I'm realizing is that it isn't about whether you've survived a divorce. are happily in a marriage, have gone through the death of a loved one, or are living another story, every day is teachable. Every experience I go through, good and bad, has it's moments where I can choose to learn or ignore.

My marriage didn't ruin me and my divorce won't ruin me. It may take more work than I wanted to get back to where I was but nothing gets to ruin me without my say!

That pain and heartache will someday be a thing of the past and I'll look back and see how much I've grown. I'm so grateful for an eternal perspective on life. I'm grateful to know that God loves me and never abandons me. I feel Him. I know He is there when I need Him most.

I believe in marriage. I believe marriage can work. I believe any two individuals working together will make a marriage work.

You Just Never Know

If you've been awaiting the end of the 30-day challenge, you can stop waiting now; not because I'm finishing them up but because I'm done with them. I'm ok with getting 20-ish days for the month of January and feeling like that was a success. I didn't anticipate school to take up so much time but I also didn't anticipate life to get harder than last semester.

I thought I was on the downhill slope of healing but apparently, I came to a cliff and I'm going to have to take some time to build a bridge before I can cross and keep going.

It's hard to have a blog where you get to express your feelings but not being able to express every feeling. Does that make sense? There's a fine line between sharing enough to help others and sharing too much. I know I cross that line sometimes but I try not to. I try to help and be honest without being overly sad or descriptive.

Going through a divorce is very lonely. It doesn't matter how many people rally around me, I still get lonely sometimes. There are things only God understands. Nobody has gone through exactly what I'm going through. So it gets lonely and I hate feeling lonely.

I'm doing a lot of growing up. Learning how to live on my own is becoming more of a second nature than it was at first. I'm learning routine and how to take care of the kids for 24 hours a day except for my every other weekend and a weekday night break. It's hard. I often feel this pressure to be better for my kids, to be more for them. I keep thinking they need perfection from me and there's just no way I can live up to that. There are nights we don't do a bedtime routine because I'm so worn out and I always feel so incredibly guilty.

I put these own pressures on myself. I try and control every single little thing in my life that I can because my life feels very out of control. I'm way too hard on myself and have developed a severe case of self doubt and have lost my ability to believe I have a lot of self worth.

I often think of that little girl I used to be and how clueless she was, as we all are, to how her life would turn out. I wish I could warn her so she could get some armor on. It's taken a lot to learn how to prepare myself for trial because you just never know! I've learned that the hard way. You can prepare all you want and expect that certain things in your life are going to be constant but you just never know!

I felt like the hardest part was over but I think it's just beginning.



Why is it so hard to find that natural happiness I can usually find easily?

Lots of questions to ponder on my part.

The thing is, it's going to be ok---I'm going to be ok. This hasn't killed me. It hasn't ruined me forever. I just need to deal with it so eventually, I'm able to move on and be that healthy, happy mom my kids need.

And don't you worry --- I'll get there.

2014: Day 14

Day 14: A Life Goal

When I was little, I dreamed of someday becoming a surgeon or a pediatrician. My mom would often catch me watching Trauma: Life in the ER on tv and would quickly make me change the channel because that show is scary-gross. But surgeries always intrigued me.
A huge part of me wanted to help other people but there was a part of me that just thought it sounded really cool to slice somebody open and sew 'em back up.

Then I was sent to ANASAZI and I thought, "Now that's what I want to do someday!" So when I graduated, I enrolled in psychology classes among my other general studies.

Then I got married and school became an after thought because we wanted to get pregnant pretty quickly.
And we did.
And we now have two children.

It wasn't until a few years ago that I thought about starting school back up again. How hard can it be with two young kids, right?
But it never worked out because I had just become a stay at home mom and I didn't want to give up any of that time with my children.
Then a year and a half ago, something changed in me. We started seeing a marriage counselor and she was a mother. I often wondered how she could juggle both lives. How could she live two successful but opposite lives? And it was then that I realized people jump in head first and do hard, scary things. They take risks and a lot of times, those risks pay off. Mothers can accomplish things just the same as anybody else. Even single mothers.

So a year and a half ago, I decided to sign up for school but it took me a while to get in to a counselor and kick start everything so the summer of 2013 is when I signed up for my first classes. Petey and I started school within weeks of each other and there was a lot of change in our home including but not limited to: kindergarten routine, college routine, separating in our marriage, the baby I watched moving to Minnesota, and Spidey starting up some playgroups and things to stay busy. August was a blur, as was September and most of October.

But we survived and that's all that matters! I took English, Math, and 2 Psychology courses and ended up with two A's and two B's. Not bad for the hectic semester that it was.

So then December rolled around and I realized I needed to get signed up for my next semester. Since there are no other adults living in my home, it was hard dropping the kids off to their dad 3 nights a week and not picking them up until 10 or 11pm so this semester, I started morning classes while my sweet, sweet, SWEET mother watches Spidey and my friend keeps Petey after school for 45 minutes.

Today was the first day and everything went smoothly. I couldn't believe it. I'm just overwhelmed with gratitude for the help people are willing to give.

So I'm a full time student. And I have a very specific long term goal and that is to get a bachelors degree in Psychology and a masters degree in Marriage and Family Therapy.

I knew what I wanted to do my senior year of high school. I knew what I wanted to do the whole time we were in marriage counseling. And now I'm lucky enough to be making those dreams a reality. It's going to be scary and hard and time consuming and stressful but I can do hard things. And this is the year I choose to be brave.

To that little girl, so full of dreams: I hope you're proud of who you are becoming. Because you should be.

My Feelings Through Music

Music is a huge part of my life.

Whenever I'm in the car alone, I turn my music up really loud and pray that a song comes on the radio that I need to hear. That may sound funny but so far, it's worked. Sara Bareilles' song 'Brave' literally came on 5 times in a 15 minute drive I was on last week and it was exactly what I needed. I cried every time I'd change the station and it'd be playing on a different station.
I have had a lot of time to myself to reflect on life this past month. Whether it is heading to my counselor's office {who keeps me sane these days}, driving to and from school late at night, or dropping my kids off to their dad, music has helped me through some tough things I've been feeling. Sometimes music interprets my feelings better than I can.
These are a couple of my favorite songs right now that I crank the volume up on.



If you're wondering how these relate to my life or if they even do, you're going to have to continue to speculate. Sorry. :)

I'm so incredibly thankful for music.

Going back to that first song, I've learned much more about bravery this month than ever before. The biggest lesson I've learned this week is that bravery doesn't mean holding your feelings in so it looks like you're always doing fine. Sometimes, I'm not fine. Sometimes, I want to scream or cry or just be numb and it helps to let my friends or family know how I'm feeling. It's ok to not always be fine. It's ok for this to take a while to heal my heart. I thought bravery was getting through my trial as fast as possible and bottling up any excess of hurt feelings I had but that isn't going to help me be whole again.
You'd think I'd be an expert on 'how to get through trials' by now, huh? That's what I figured anyway. I thought since life has been up and down hard for 2.5 years, I should be able to get over this faster. And since I found that to be the biggest lie I've been telling myself, I am starting over and letting myself hurt for a while.

Trials and Attaining Happiness

 I deal with trials in many different ways. There is usually a numbing point where I don't want to feel what is happening to my heart. The first time I really noticed this was when I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. The thought of infertility was so scary to me and I had a hard time processing all of the things I was feeling. I wish I would've gone to see a counselor back then. I imagine it would've helped me cope with my feelings.

There were trials before infertility. I had even suffered a miscarriage in the beginning of my marriage. And yet, no other trial before infertility stood out in my life the way that one did. I grieved. I was angry. I was depressed. I was confused. It was the hardest thing I had delt with in my life at the time.

Last month when things in my life got insecure again, I looked toward Heaven and just cried. I cried for 3 days straight. People would ask how I was and that would make me cry. I'd be listening to the radio and that would make me cry. But after 3 days, I stopped. Cold turkey. I started telling people that I must've just not had any more tears left but in reality, the numbness was starting to set in. I knew it was going to take years to get back what I had lost and I couldn't fathom that and so I went numb to protect my heart.
There have been times of anger and confusion. There have been days where I still cry. There have been countless days that I've felt alone even when I'm surrounded by wonderful people. It was as if the doubts I'd had during my 'infertility grief' were all coming back. I started to think that NO ONE could completely understand what I'm going through. Even though people were being nice and so so so helpful, they hadn't experienced what I experienced. Sometimes, talking helped. Other times, I just felt worse afterward. Everyone had advice. Everyone's advice was different. Some people told me I'd done enough while others told me to work harder to save things. I was so confused.

And then I remembered a huge lesson I'd learned during my infertility. There is one person who understands exactly what I am going through. Jesus Christ suffered for me personally. He knows exactly what I am feeling. I remembered that trusting in Him would help me through this. I know it will. It still sucks right now, plain and simple. I'm extremely worried about my children. I'm worried for their present and I'm worried for their future.

But trusting in God will help me to keep going. Attaining happiness is absolutely possible no matter what. It is not something we are just given or something that only happens when everything in our lives are good. Happiness can be found amidst some of the darkest times. For me, that happiness comes through knowing I am a child of God. I always have been. I always will be. The comfort that eternal purpose gives me is greater than anything in the entire world. Nothing compares to knowing that no matter what trials I'm faced with, I can always rely on my Heavenly Father. He always listens and He understands what I'm dealing with. He knows the time frame of my trial and why I need the strength I'm being taught to have.

Last month, I was so angry that my trials seem to have just gotten worse after my infertility 2.5 years ago. There haven't been very many breathers in there. And yet, I can see God's hand in my life everywhere these past few years. I have never been deserted by Him and I'm so glad that I can recognize that.
I can promise you that in your darkest hours, God is still with you. Let Him in. Let Him comfort you. Open your heart to his love.
You are a child of God.

The 6th Year

 Yesterday marked SIX years since I made the decision to get married.

I remember being young and in love, both of us working full time and thinking we were super poor, and living in a tiny apartment in North Mesa.

I remember celebrating our one month anniversary and wondering how it could've already been a whole month!

I remember our one year anniversary, when I was on bed rest with Petey but we snuck out to eat anyway.

I also remember the hard times, like when I miscarried our first pregnancy and Boss stayed home from work for 2 days to make sure I was ok. He carried a mattress downstairs and put it right in front of the tv so I could watch movies while in and out of sleep. I was in a funk for weeks and he stuck by my side.

The 6th year of our marriage tested us more than any other year so far. I think back to 7 months ago when most days were met with arguments from two very stubborn people. I remember thinking I was ready to throw in the towel. I remember being scared, so very scared and sad. I also remember the day we took a step in the right direction that will forever change our lives.

 One of the best days I can remember from this year was one where Boss had me laughing so hard my stomach hurt. It was that day that I realized marriage is supposed to be this happy. Boss and I had gotten used to being annoyed with each other. It was on that day that I realized I had fallen in love all over again. I could remember all of the reasons why I married him in the first place plus a million new reasons.

Though I originally looked at this year as the hardest year we've faced, it has also been the best. I couldn't be happier with the man I chose to be my forever best friend. He truly is one of a kind and I love him more than I did the day I married him.

Some of my favorite things from our 6th year of marriage:

Watching Boss be a groomsmen in his best friend's wedding. He looked so handsome and did a great job.

Redecorating/rearranging most of our house.

 Celebrating 27 years of his life together as a family.

Boss taking time with the kids by himself on weekends so I have some 'me' time.

 Attending ASU basketball games together.

Boss deciding on a new career path.

Me deciding on a new career path.

Getting new family pictures.

Starting regular date nights together.

Buying a new van.

Our trip to Carlsbad.

Boss calming me down on the phone after Petey cut her hair.

Taking a spur of the moment trip to Utah to visit some of Boss' old friends.

The very first time that Spidey 'poop painted' and I called Boss crying because I was so grossed out he left work early and cleaned it up for me.


Boss is the guy I chose to marry and looking back on the past 6 years, I don't regret my decision. He has made me happier than I ever knew possible and I know he loves me.

Here's to another trillion years!

Sometimes simple things are hard

Sometimes, I wonder how I got where I am today as a parent. Petey was born when I was only 20 years old. Her first 2 years of life are kind of a blur to me and I have a hard time remembering what it ever felt like to just have her. I used to think I was really good at parenting and discipline but was I really?

I have hard days where I wonder if I'm making the right decisions as a parent. Am I pushing my kids too hard or not hard enough? Am I making sure they know that I love them? Am I teaching them how much God loves them? Am I teaching them that there is nothing more important than knowing God loves them?

I'm sure I'm not the only parent who wonders these things but after days like yesterday, I really have to step back and question if what I'm doing is right.  

In the end, when I seem to suck at making decisions regarding my children, Boss is always there to pick up the pieces I've broken throughout the day. He really is the best dad. When I'm too busy worrying about what I want for the kids, he reminds me of what they need. I lucked out marrying him and I absolutely know it.

Short and Sweet

I find it absolutely, positively comforting to know that this man is mine forever. I realize that not very many things matter in the world besides this fact. Sometimes it frustrates me that there are people that I will probably never get along with that well. I really have a hard time knowing there are people out there who think I'm annoying or even mean. But it is so nice to know that this man is always by my side, no matter who likes me or doesn't.

He will always like me.

 

 

The End.

The Importance of my Eternal Marriage

Tonight, I want to blog about the thing I am most thankful for at this very moment in time and that is my marriage.

Months ago, I didn't think I'd be married today. My attitude was in the wrong place and I just didn't think I was going to continue on with the eternal commitment I had made. Around the time that my husband decided he didn't want to continue to go to church with our family, I decided that was the final straw. "Poor me", right?

Big. Fat. Wrong.

Let's start with what changed my outlook on this not-so-big-but-seemed-really-huge trial. From the time I was a little girl, I judged those who stopped coming to church. I thought it was the end of the world for their happiness and for the happiness of their family members. I knew nothing like that would ever happen to me because I wouldn't be able to handle it (Kind of how I viewed infertility before becoming an infertile person. Ironic? I think not.).
The morning my husband told me he didn't have a testimony and wanted to stop going to church with us, I thought it was all over. I was angry and scared. I cried more in those first weeks than I did when I was diagnosed with infertility. I would write little odd things on my blog about going through something really hard but I didn't want everyone to know what was happening. It was hard feeling alone and I will forever be grateful to my best friend/sister who was the only one I really talked to in those weeks. I didn't feel like this was something we were going to be able to get through. I didn't feel strong enough to handle this.
But one day, things started changing. I began to view my husband as a child of God. I began to see this as his trial and realize that I am here to love him and support him. I realized this not-really-my-trial should have never had a 'poor me' sticker attached to it. I started realizing that my husband didn't feel like he is a child of God and that began to make me sad. Que this post. I hoped by some miracle that this trial would last weeks for him but such is not the case. Boss is figuring out his life and in the mean time, he is the best husband a girl could ask for.

What I've learned through this is that my eternal marriage is more important than what is happening at this very moment. There are days that are hard. There are days I'm worried probably more than you can even imagine {or at least I hope so}. There are days I want it all to end. But just like anything else in life, even on my hardest days, I've learned to trust in God's plan for our family. He knows what our life is and where it is going. I have faith that He will never leave me when I'm feeling lonely. He loves me. He loves Boss. And He wants us to be together forever. And guess what? I want us to be together forever too.

Everyone has trials. Everyone is dealing with something of their own. There have been many times I've been afraid that our family is being judged, just as I did to others as a kid, but what I've learned is that all I can do is make sure I'm not judging others. We don't know every personal story of everyone around us so why do we judge them for what we see on the outside?

If I could ask for one thing this holiday season it would be for more love. Not love for me but for my husband and for all of the others who are struggling to find out who they are, just as he is. I would ask that you reach out to someone you know and just love them. Don't judge them. Don't try to force them to do something. Just love them. Unconditionally love them as God loves all of us. I can bet you anything that God doesn't look at Boss and others and think, "Wow, you're making a stupid decision right now. How dumb! How frustrating!" He gets sad because He wants His children to know of His love but all He does is keep on loving us and hoping that we'll recognize and feel it. That's what I pray we can all do for someone close to us.

I am so thankful for my family and for the knowledge I have of God's love for me. I am thankful for the abundance of blessings in my life. I am grateful to know that no matter what trials come my way, I have faith that I can get through anything with God by my side.

And that's how Suze sees it.

My 3 Most Important Roles

Do I keep sounding down in the dumps lately in my posts?

Well, I'm here to tell you that I am one happy lady. Oh yes, I am a happy lady with trials but I must never forget how happy I am at this moment.

I feel like with each day that passes, I understand more and more why I am here. I realize that I have an important role in this life I have been blessed to live. I am a daughter of God. I am a wife. I am a mother. The role seems pretty darn clear, right? And yet, I've struggled to really find who I am and what those roles mean in my life.

What does it mean to be a daughter of God? I've asked myself this question many times and many answers have come to mind. God actually created me personally. I am not just some genetic make up that was picked through a process similar to random.org. Nope, I am special and created to be me and no one else. The roles I play in life are particular to what God has intended for me. Being a daughter of God makes me the wife and mother that I am. I know I have purpose and I know I am special.

My role as a wife is to be there as a support and comfort for my husband. It is not a role that serves me but a role that serves my spouse. As easy as it sounds, I think most of us have struggled learning this particular role. When we are dating and engaged, we are swept off our feet and we expect marriage to be a continium of that every day. But alas, it usually doesn't work that way and in my case, I found myself in a rut, not really knowing what my role as a wife was. But trust me when I say since learning that my role is more supportive and less selfish, my marriage has been quite easier and I've been much happier.

My role as a mother means that I keep my standards high and my patience higher. Knowing that I influence two little beings is a huge responsibility and I try so hard to be the best mother that I can be to them. Of course, I am far from perfect...like probably farther than the average mother. I yell. A lot. More than I ever intend to. But it's something I'm working on and I try so hard every day to take it down one notch. As a mother, I feel the responsibility to teach by example and if I'm yelling all of the time, my kids will do the same. So my role as a mother helps me to be a better person each day.

So there you have it. I'm happier than it has sounded recently. I apologize for the vague posts about "dealing with stuff". I have a post all written up about OCD and the effects it has had on me recently but it seems almost weird to share. I wouldn't want you all to think I'm crazy or something... :)

Ok, fine, so you probably already know I'm crazy.

But at least I'm crazy AND happy, right?

I Wont Give Up

Infertility has been hard. For 18 months now, I've wondered if 2 would be our number or if we would have more children. I've cried a lot, been angry a lot, and prayed a lot more than ever before. But as each day passes, I find out more and more how blessed I am already.

The past 18 months have been the hardest so far in my life. As a family, we've endured a lot. At first, I thought we were growing together and getting closer but that hasn't been the case. I've learned these past few months what marriage means to me and how important it is to not give up. I've learned that marriage is about giving more than receiving.

It's very easy to get caught up in ourselves and think that our spouse should be treating us better but what we don't look at is how we are treating our spouse.

Many times in the past year, my husband would come home from work and I would be on the computer, exhausted from my long day with the kids. I would shove them at him and tell him it was his turn to care for them because I needed a break. Most nights, we would be doing something separate from each other in completely different rooms of our house and we wouldn't really talk at all.

My marriage is now the most important thing to me and when I heard Jason Mraz's song, "I Wont Give Up", I felt like it was meant for our family. We are up and we are down but if we don't learn to give each other support and love, we will never last.

Marriage really is about giving and not about receiving and I plan on being there for my husband for eternity.

As selfish as I've been the past year, I cannot believe how many things I've missed with my family. I was going through pictures to find ones for a video I wanted to make and I found more than enough of my husband doing things with our children. In my mind, he wasn't helping enough around the house or putting us first but what I didn't realize was that he has always been doing that, I just didn't see it.

I am so lucky to have married a man that has stuck with me even when I'm blind to his goodness. I am so lucky that he is always there for our children and takes such good care of them. He usually gets the biggest smiles and I know it's because they feel of his unconditional love for them.

I tried out a movie maker program because I was set on making a video collage with Jason Mraz's song. I hope you enjoy it.

Our Fives

Yesterday, Boss and I celebrated 5 years of marriage together. In honor of this joyous occasion, I've decided to list the top 5 reasons of why I am so lucky to be married to this awesome guy.
1. My husband holds the priesthood and honors his priesthood. If my children or I need a blessing, he is available to do it.
2. He is a handyman. If there is something broken, he will figure out a way to fix it.
3. He is a sweet daddy to our children. He plays with them in ways that I don't. He brings joy to them.
4. He sets goals for himself and sticks to them. He is a very motivated person and I'm proud of how hard he works.
5. He loves me through thick and thin. He loves me even when I yell and am "crabby wife". I'm so lucky to have him.

Last night at dinner, we asked each other to think of our favorite thing from each year of our marriage so far. I've decided to share my 5 because these have been some seriously awesome years!

2007: Our wedding was my favorite day from this year. Going through the temple was an amazing experience and choosing to stick with this guy for eternity was the best decision I've ever made.2008: We brought our first child into this world. I couldn't believe how much joy came attached with motherhood and how special this little human being was.2009: We brought our second baby into this world! Again, my heart grew and enveloped this baby in love and admiration. I cannot believe how special these babies are! I am so blessed.2010: I became a stay at home mom. This was one of the hardest and best decisions that we made as a couple. I know my children are better off and so am I because we are home together. 2011: Disneyland! Boss and our kids had never been and it was exciting to go and enjoy time as a family and also let Boss go with the guys and enjoy all the crazy rides that I wouldn't do. That was one of our favorite vacations as a family and we won't ever forget it.

I cannot believe all of the joy these past five years have brought me. I am so lucky to have such an awesome husband. Our life is not perfect but that's what makes it amazing. I really appreciate him and I especially appreciate that he loves me, faults and all. :)

And that's how Suze sees it.

Sunday Thoughts

I have had so many epiphanies and thoughts this weekend. All deal with my family but some are marriage focused and others are parenthood focused. Yesterday, I was privileged enough to attend my mother and sister's Stake Women's Conference. I have so much to talk about regarding that but my thoughts actually started the night before (Friday night).
As I wrote in a previous post, I was sick last week and Friday was my sickness and recovery day. That night, I felt horrible for having played approximately 10 movies throughout the day (I'm serious.) and laying on the couch. The kids were acting up and Boss was tired from a long day at school. Neither of us had patience and wanted to deal with the whirlwind that was our children.
But because I knew it was important to the kids, we fought through our aches and pains, got down on our hands and knees, and played with those two special little people.
We dumped out all of the blocks we own (two separate huge bags)

and built a tower so tall, the children had to be lifted up to put the last couple of pieces on.But you can't fake smiles like those. Those are genuine smiles from children who wanted their mommy and their daddy that night. We all had a blast and guess what? When engaging our children in activities, they couldn't go make messes that we would find later. It was such a special night.
Which brings me back to Saturday...
So I went to the conference with my mom and sister and honestly had so many insights into what I want life to be like and how to make it that way. I've always known I want to raise a tight knit family but learning and utilizing the things I've learned is not as easy as it looks. It starts now. And it will continue forever.
I heard many things about marriage that I took to heart, seeing how I have a hard (but seriously wonderful) marriage. I kept thinking to myself, "There are couples who don't raise their voices at each other?????????" and after I got over that initial shock ;), I decided that's what I want.
I want a peaceful home, happy children, a loved and cared for husband, and I know in the end, all of those things are what will bring me the most happiness in this life.

One of the classes that struck deep in my heart was the class we attended on adversity. As you may know, this is month 11 of our infertility journey. I read that number and my heart breaks. I wish it wasn't so for one reason; I want a baby. But because it IS so, I'm grateful for what I've learned. Back in November, I posted the music video to one of my favorite songs, Beautiful Heartbreak by Hilary Weeks. Here it is again if you want to see it.

I know I was given this trial for a reason and I am honestly thankful for it. Does that mean I don't cry when I find out I'm not pregnant every month? No. What it means is that I've accepted my trial as a beautiful heartbreak. I have been taught so many things and can already see the positive blessings it has brought to my life. I know it is my trial for a reason. And it isn't a trial that runs my life day in and day out. Do my husband and I believe we will have more children? Yes. Do we believe the timing is right right now? Not necessarily. I trust that Heavenly Father knows when the timing is right. I feel like this month has forced me to either accept my infertility or to break down because of it. You see, all of my sisters who can have babies will be having babies in the year 2012. What a hard blow that was for me. But it forced me to realize that my happiness cannot be determined by someone else's life. And IT IS possible to be happy for others, even when they have something you've been wanting for a long while. To get offended when someone complains about their pregnancy or their newborn child is not what this trial is about and it makes me sad when I see others doing that. Everyone has the right to complain. Pregnancy and motherhood are hard! If they were easy, the rewards would not feel so sweet. We are mothers because we are strong. Actually, we are strong because we are women! Motherhood or not, we are all able to be strong, stick close to God, and accept the trials we are given. We may never know why those specific trials are in our lives but I hope we can all learn to accept them and trust that our Heavenly Father knows and loves us.
So that is my goal. I will strive for it daily and I know some days, I will fail. But I'll get back up and start again another day. :)

And that's how Suze sees it.

PS: PCOS and infertility friends, I know it hurts when someone announces a pregnancy or complains about being overdue with a baby. I'm not saying your feelings aren't real and honest or ok. I just hope that we can learn to be happy for others even when we are going through rough trials. Love you all!