Today I Watched Porn

 I'm assuming that title caught your attention. And I'm glad it did. Whatever reason brought you here, I hope you'll stay and hear me out through the end.

Because today I did watch porn. I wish I could have prepared more for today or been "sick" during my Philosophy of Sexuality class but I don't have the best grade right now and I can't afford to miss any assignments.

So I went---knowing we were diving into our chapter on pornography.

I figured I would have the chance to reiterate my feelings about pornography use and that our discussion, although uncomfortable for me, would give me an opportunity to stand up for what I wholeheartedly believe in.

None of those things happened.

I got into class and our teacher was holding a dvd. I couldn't make out the title other than the phrase "feminist pornography" I prayed it would be a documentary like the last one we watched. I squirmed as I waited for class to start. And after taking attendance, he announced we would be watching a video and would have to write an essay on it before next Tuesday. And then he pushed play.

It wasn't a documentary. Or maybe it was. Yeah, I guess it would be considered a documentary since there were interviews mixed up between vulgar scenes. I tried not to look up after the first exposure. I knew I had to keep my composure so I started taking notes on any of the interviews I heard and tried to let my mind wander when the interviews weren't playing.

I guess I just don't get it. Now having been exposed to mainstream pornography, I am even more at a loss as to why some people don't think pornography is dangerous.

Among my anxiety, I felt a lot of sadness---that some women are treated poorly, that some women feel suppressed and choose this lifestyle, that some people can't feel satisfied in a loving relationship with just one other person.

I don't get it. I don't want to get it.

I believe in physical love, love between a man and a woman who have vowed to be with each other for eternity.

Today brought back pain. A lot of pain. And feelings of inadequacy.

I wish that pornography wasn't available like it currently is. I wish there wasn't a chance that my very own son or daughter could stumble across the videos I watched in class today. I wish that people viewed sex as more sacred than the media tells us it is.

Because when a person becomes addicted to pornography, they start to lose the real love in their life. They have a harder time differentiating between what is real and what is completely fake.

Pornography seems equivalent to selling your soul to the devil.
I felt Satan in that classroom today. I felt the darkness that came and I felt it leave as I left the class, praying to overcome my anxiety and finish my next classes.

If there is any truth to saying that pornography can "spice up your love life" and is healthy within a marriage, I would counter by asking, "Why take the risk?"

Why risk what you have for something that could possibly harm you and your relationship?

The people you love are not worth that risk. They aren't. Real love is more powerful than anything you will be able to find on a computer screen.

Real love will always be greater.

In case you're wondering how I reacted in class today, I didn't raise my hand a single time. I couldn't. My mind had shut down and I couldn't even stand up for my values because my brain was busy focusing on getting through the class without a meltdown.
I don't exactly know why my teacher would expose our class to that material. I think he thought it was necessary but I can assure you, it wasn't.
I'm not angry. I'm just sad.

Because I think my bubble had been holding on by a thread and today, it was completely popped. Today I was exposed to so much harshness that surrounds us.

Pornography is real and it is dangerous.

Protect yourselves. Protect your families.

Breathing, Living, Learning, Growing

I am a huge fan of music. Music helps me cope with a lot of things in my life, especially this past year.
Lately, I've been going back to the same two songs most days.

Colbie Callait's 'Try': I have been listening to this on repeat as I sit in the carpool pick up lane at my daughter's school and start to feel anxious because that 20 minutes in the carpool lane is often my only quiet time to think about life. I turn it on when I look in the mirror and realize I was brave enough to fight my eating disorder and get myself in recovery months ago and now I'm here---and it seems like just yesterday I was there. And then I start to worry because am I good enough? Am I pretty enough? Am I smart enough? Am I a good mother? Am I worthy of someone marrying me and taking on the responsibility of my children? Will I be wonderful enough that a man would choose to do that when he could marry someone who doesn't have kids and an ex husband?

These are real thoughts and they run through my head a lot. A lot.

"You don't have to try so hard. You don't have to give it all away. You just have to get up. You don't have to change a single thing."

I feel so unworthy of dating. I feel so unworthy of love. But Colbie helps me remember how hard I'm trying and how I don't have to do that. The right guy and the right friends will love me not for how hard I try but for who I am---for who I am right this very moment.

Christina Perri's I Believe is also at the top of the list. Everytime I hear the last line of the chorus, I can feel in my heart the exact words being sung.

"I have died so many times but I am still alive."

Because I have died. I have felt loss and abandonment and insecurity times a thousand this year.

But I am still alive. I am still fighting. I am still moving on with my life.

I'm trying to be the mom my kids need and the provider they need and still be me and do things for myself.

If you're wondering how well that's working for me, refer to my mention of anxiety above...

But this is life and I'm fighting through it. I'm still breathing. I'm still waking up every morning.

These past few weeks have had a lot of hard moments intertwined with the normal busy chaos. I was planning a trip to Las Vegas with some friends and in that same week, Spidey started having meltdowns that I was leaving him so much.

I tried to spend quality time with both kids before leaving but as I drove away that night, I felt so much guilt. Because although I knew I needed some time to myself, I felt like the worst mother for walking away at the worst possible time.

I was having an incredible time. The days were some of the best I've had in a long time. But each time Spidey would call and cry, I would feel so torn between relaxing and just getting back to him and holding him.

Each day, I was laughing and relaxing and having some of the best conversations with some of my favorite people and each night, I prayed so hard that Spidey would feel comfort and that he could just enjoy his time with his dad.

Just leaving on this trip was brave for me. I have never been on a girls trip that didn't involve family members. I knew that when we started planning this, it would be tricky. Because although I have a few friends I tell everything to, I have so very many friends who mean so much to me and I've never been a fan of "clicks".

But it ended up being totally fine and I'm grateful for that because I worried about it. And I'm not the only one who worried about it.

These girls have been through a lot with me. Three of them spent the evening at the temple with me the night my husband left me. The other two have been equally incredible this year. I know this trip wasn't just planned by me and it definitely wasn't for me alone but it certainly was a perfect way to remember where I was a year ago and look at where I am today.

These friends were some of the first to know what was happening as my separation turned into divorce and they have checked in on me, even when I just wanted to stay in bed all day and cry.

Visiting the Las Vegas temple was high on my list and I'm so glad we fit it into our weekend because it was one of the highlights. I had the opportunity to really feel peace and relax and I stopped worrying about the kids for a while and think about what I needed in those moments.

Did I mention I was brave enough to wear my Porn Kills Love tshirt as we walked down the strip of Las Vegas?

The second we decided to go to Vegas, I knew I wanted to wear this shirt because this subject is something I believe so strongly in.

This is something I will never back down from. Ever.

As fearful and intimidated as I get around people, I just cannot take a back seat when the subject of pornography is brought up.

This week, in my Philosophy of Sexuality class, we watched an amazing video by the XXX Church about how porn kills. It was powerful and yet, I already knew what most of my class would think about it. As the video started, so did the snickers. The girl in front of me kept whispering to her neighbor, "That's so dumb. Porn kills what?!" and I wanted to shout, "PORN KILLS LOVE! IT KILLS MARRIAGES AND FAMILIES AND CAREERS!"

I could feel my heart beating all the way from my forehead to the tips of my toes. I felt like the video was going on forever and I wanted it to end because I knew what would happen next.

When it finally ended three hours eight minutes later, my teacher asked what our thoughts were and without another second, my hand shot up in the air. I took a deep breath and said something very similiar to this:

I know that my opinion won't be very popular among this class. I could hear the snickering and the confusion of what porn kills. I could see the eye rolls and the shaking heads. And I get it. Before last year, I didn't quite understand what pornography was capable of either. But my marriage was ruined because of pornography. My husband left me last year and my kids have had to endure our divorce and all of the pain that comes with their feelings of abandonment. Porn kills love and even if you think that statement is dramatic, I am living proof that it can be a true statement.

Pornography addiction has caused enough trauma in my life that I no longer am willing to sit in a room and not share my opinion if the subject is brought up. I knew I would not have an audience of people who understood what I have lived through but I will never regret that opportunity I had to share a part of my story with a room full of young college students.

I used to view pornography as bad mainly because of my religious beliefs but I never really knew what an addiction to pornography is capable of doing to an individual, to a marriage, and to a family.

There were some hard moments, walking around Vegas and seeing pornography and a lot of other things that made my heart so sad. This really is the world we live in.

I guess if I could just have one wish come true from all of the things I've learned it would be that each and every one of you who decides to click on my posts and read my words will do whatever you can to protect your families from pornography. And also that you'll love the people around you and have compassion. We can't understand everyone's situation but we can make a goal to try and remember that everyone has a story and everyone has trials. Try not to be hard on the people around you.


I am still alive tonight, friends. Although I've been so broken for so long, I see healing and the possibilities that come with moving on. When I look back on everything I've done this past year, I am hopeful that this next year will be full of even more growth.

God stretches me and teaches me and I am trying my hardest to learn what He wants me to learn.

The Porn Pandemic: Part 2

This is a hard one to write about because it's a hard one to explain. Because this is the part that affects ME. And maybe it has affected you too.

Finding out your partner has chosen pornography over you is hurtful---actually, it's more than hurtful.

Damaging.
Distressing.
Wounding.

It isn't what the media wants you to believe. Pornography does not strengthen your relationship. It hurts your partner. And it hurts you.

"While porn is something users can choose to do on their own, that use doesn’t just affect them—it affects their partner too, and not for the better. Studies have shown that even casual use of porn can cause the user to feel less attracted to their partner. And when a person frequently uses pornography, they’re far more likely to feel less satisfied with their partner’s looks, sexual performance, and willingness to try new sexual acts.
Why all the sudden disappointment with one's partner? It's likely due to the fact that porn promotes a completely fictional version of how people look and behave (See Porn Is a Lie), and makes it look like an exciting reality—one that their partners often feel they can never live up to." source

It is painful.

A lot of women blame themselves. Oh my goodness, I blamed myself. It has to be because I'm overweight. I could never compare to those women. It must've been the way I looked or the way I acted.

It is a trauma that is indescribable unless you've experienced it.

If you were self-conscious before, it is multiplied by ten thousand.

You question everything. Everything. You wonder how you could've reacted differently to some of the crappiest situations in your marriage so you can fix this ugly thing. You can fix this! You can erase it, right? Please oh please, it just needs to be erased!

 I could tell you all about the heartache I've experienced and the emotional trauma that has been placed in my life because of this hurtful story but instead I asked some of my friends who have been through this, in the very thick of this, what they would say to someone who wanted to know how pornography affects relationships. This is what they said:

"Pornography - every time I made a new discovery a bomb went off in my world. I was a part of the rubble. Damaged & destroyed sometimes. I didn't even know if I could crawl to all the other pieces to pick them up. Let alone - reassemble. It was a daunting task and no help in sight.

 I lost all respect for the man I married. I resented him. I was angry like never before. Trust was obliterated . Only once ever in my life did I hurt like I did now - my heart physically hurt. Trapped in a war zone, isolated & alone, hurt & lost. Despair came and nearly caused me to end my life. Even feeble attempts to seek help were ignored until it was almost too late. I am much better now. It's still tough at times, but there is hope & healing happening for me. Seeking my own recovery has been a lifesaver. He has no interest in recovery or acknowledging there is a problem. But...there is hope for me"

 -- S www.iwillfindhealing.blogspot.com

"Porn, when I didn't know about it's grasp on my husband, made me feel like something was off, but I could never quite put my finger on it. My life felt happy and spiritual, and then my husband would get home and everything in the atmosphere would change to darkness and emptiness. Every day. For 4 years. Porn made my husband unable to be truly intimate with me. I never felt like we were on the same page. Happy times felt lacking. Sad times felt empty. He was emotionless and I was made out to look like an emotional lunatic. Porn caused my husband to use me as an object. I was expected to perform to his needs and wants perfectly and when I didn't, I was met with dissatisfaction. My body was not my own, I was used as just another form of acting out in his addiction. Sometimes I would cry during sex because of how used I felt and he never even noticed. Porn sucked the life out of my husband and almost caused him to take his own life. When he was in the thick of it and couldn't get out, he almost left his wife and three children to escape the emptiness that porn gave him."

--chainsoflight.blogspot.com

"It almost killed me. The end."

-Make My Burden Light-

 

"Porn made me feel like a second-class citizen in my own marriage. It made my feelings and thoughts secondary to Addiction's. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership but with porn it wasn't. At all. The relationship that is supposed to be the ultimate in safe spaces was decidedly UNsafe and hostile. I was alone and fightened while my husband who swore to protect me and love me was kept from me because of his addiction to pornography. It was like the real him was locked away somewhere I couldn't be and in his place was someone who DIDN'T love me and DIDN'T care about my feelings and overall WASN'T really him.
After a long and arduous journey through recovery including therapy, LDS PASG groups, SA, and (the greatest catalyst for him) a weeklong stay in a local mental hospital as well as meeting with psychiatrists about medication for his panic and anxiety disorder, my husband is with me. like, really WITH me. He listens when I have something to say and he holds me when I am sad. He tells me stuff like "that makes sense" and "you're not crazy for feeling that way, it's okay". And that means we can actually have a REAL relationship now. Instead of having porn between us, it's just us. 

 -Cecilia Wilbur: http://everydayjanuary.blogspot.com/"

 

"Simply put... pornography destroys relationships. Relationships cannot thrive and grow when pornography is present. Pornography, and all the fake and unreal ideas that come along with it became Mr. Wonderful's reality and his expectations of marriage and real love and connection were jaded. I can NEVER live up to what Mr. Wonderful "expects". No matter what I do, it is impossible. Because Mr. Wonderful chose to indulge in pornography and sexual behaviors, I am married to a man who is always disappointed with me, who feels entitled to "more" and "better". What my husband believes is "real love" and "true connection" is anything but that. But what do I do? What can I do about it? I can't morph into a new girl every night, it is impossible. His reality is impossible. Unless Mr. Wonderful spends dedicated years to "retrain" his brain, we will never make it. And in the meantime, I have to TRY desperately to MAKE myself believe that this isn't my fault, and that I am enough... over and over again. This is what pornography does in REAL life. This is how it has affected my life and my marriage and my children. Pornography kills love. It kills the true meaning of love. -Alice Alice Looking for Wonderfulland

Not every story is the same but every single one of these stories is real.

Pornography kills love.
Real love does not exist within the realms of pornography.

I have seen the hand of God in my life as I have dived through this journey. I have also seen the effects of Satan because HE DOES NOT LIKE THIS. He hates that we are putting up a fight.
When I posted Part 1, it only got 46 reads which is quite abnormal for my blog and I felt like that was a testament of how many people turn their heads the other way because it is more comfortable! Satan does not want you to read about my journey or other womens' journeys. He wants us to believe that pornography is good---and if it isn't good, he will at least try to convince us this is too shameful to ever speak of.

We cannot let him win. Pornography is infiltrating our societies and ruining relationships.

We need to talk about it to fight against it, to bring awareness to the ICKY, SCARY, DETRIMENTAL crap that is so readily available around us.

We are fighters.

We can do this, friends.

I Am Here

I am here.This is exactly where I am.
Right here.

I've been thinking a lot the past few days. I do that sometimes---think. I am nearing my year mark of living on my own.
A whole year.
I kind of can't believe it but at the same time, it feels like it's been longer. It depends on the day.

In this year I have slept in my bed alone, not had help with baths/bedtime 75% of the time, made grown up decisions on my own, finished two semesters of school, juggled friend time and kid time and now 'single people' time, been the "room mom" at Petey's school, taken my kids to extracurriculars, taken trips by myself with the kids, and I've even gone on a few dates.
Divorce life is weird. It just is. It's hard and weird and messy and I'm still figuring out how I should navigate this new life between kids and being single and my many, many married friends. It's tricky a lot of the time.

I've gotten more babysitters in the past year than all of the previous six years combined. I'm so grateful for all of the help and the prayers and the late night talks. A whole year has gone by and I still feel surrounded and supported by the people who love and my children.

I felt a strong impression to start writing this blog back in 2009, right after my son was born. At the time, my post-partum depression was pretty rough and I needed an outlet. But most of my posts were crap. Most of them weren't real.

I wanted so badly to write about real things the first 2.5 years my blog existed. But I wasn't brave enough to share my life.
Then infertility happened. I needed this outlet. I needed to write my feelings about what was happening and I wondered if others needed to hear it as well.
Judging from the comments and the emails, they did. People related to my words. I learned a lot of stories from a lot of people that came from all different walks of life.

Since then, I've decided to keep my blog as real as I can. Although not everything is blog appropriate, a lot of the things I'm passionate about are. Everytime I write, I put effort into my words.

But along with being so real, I take some risks.
Any person can come here and see that:
I am divorced. I am passionately against pornography. I have two kids. I have an eating disorder. I'm kind of crazy.
{Although that last one isn't proven...}
One of the hardest parts of having a blog is that everyone gets to know about you before you get to know anything about them. It's something I choose everytime I push publish.
I know it's a risk. I know a lot of the people that read my blog don't personally know me. I can't force you to trust me or believe in what I am saying. Many of you won't and that's ok with me. But this is my side of the story. It is a story I get to share whenever I want because it is mine. I do hope that when you read, you see a little piece of my heart. I hope you see that I am a genuine person.

Because I haven't quite decided if you knowing so much about me without me trusting/knowing you is a good thing. I still feel like it's right to be doing this and putting my words out there for everyone to read but that doesn't always make it easy. It is still scary a lot of the time. I still think long and hard before submitting my posts and sharing them on Facebook.

Because this is my real life, people. These are my ups and downs, my good and my bad, my faith and my fear. These stories aren't made up. They happen in my life. The emotions I write about are real emotions.

I am scared every time I come on here but I am also brave. I feel like this is one of my callings in life. I don't see a point in trials if I don't turn around and help someone overcome their trial through my empathy and understanding. I come here to help sort out my thoughts but also to help you, maybe just one of you. It's ok with me if it's just one of you. I am here to show you that you are not alone.

That is a truth that I know without a doubt.

You are not alone.

The Porn Pandemic: Part 1

When I was younger and the internet became a thing, I remember listening to warnings from my church leaders about pornography and how evil it was.

Pornography was bad---I knew that. In fact, that's all I knew. I had no idea how harmful pornography actually could be. And at the time, I don't think many people did.

We didn't understand pornography because before the internet, it took a lot more work to find it. It took actually leaving your house and going to a video store or finding a magazine. It wasn't available in the same magnitude as is now available.

Because of the internet, pornography is available in your home, on the electronic devices you use, and on the electronic devices your children use---but there is hope. There are protections you can take to keep your home a safe haven for your families. But let's save that discussion for another day.

Today, I want to focus on why pornography harms.

In mainstream media, pornography is portrayed as normal, healthy, and fun. How often do we hear about the other side of pornography, the side that states pornography causes real addiction and harms relationships?

Fight the New Drug states that pornography harms in 3 ways: the brain, relationships, and society.
So today, let's talk about the brain.

Researchers used to think that addiction was caused solely by outside substances that are physically put into a person's body {drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, etc}.

"Once we got a peek into the brain, however, our understanding of how addictions work changed. It turns out, cigarettes, alcohol, and drugs have more in common than you might think. Sure, on the outside, some are poured into a glass while others are lit on fire and smoked. But once they’re in the body, they all do the same thing to the brain: flood it with a chemical called dopamine. That’s what makes them addictive. And porn does the exact same thing." source

Pornography causes the "reward pathways" in the brain to react, in the same way cocaine does. And as you probably know with addiction, things don't get better before they get worse. People with addiction often consume more and more because they feel like they need it. They have to have it.

"Setting your brain up for an overload of feel-good chemicals might sound like a good idea at first, but just like with junk food, what feels like a good thing, in this case isn’t at all. Because porn use floods the brain with high chemical levels, the brain starts to fight back. Over time, the brain will actually cut down on its dopamine receptors—the tiny landing docs that take the dopamine in once it’s been released in your brain. As a result, porn that once excited a person often stops having the same effect, and the user has to look at more porn, look at porn more often, or find a more hardcore version—or all three—to get aroused." source

Scary. That is the first word that comes to mind when I read the above quote.

Think about a fully developed brian on porn and then think about the damaging effects that pornography can have on the developing brain of a teenager. The damage is different. The brain develops in a different way when an undeveloped brain is exposed to pornography.

"...for teens, the risks are especially high, since a teen brain’s reward pathway has a response two to four times more powerful than an adult brain—which means teen brains release even higher levels of dopamine." source

SCARY.

The effects pornography has on the brain cause addiction.
Addiction is a hard thing to overcome.
But in case you were wondering or feeling hopeless right about now, addiction is possible to overcome. Resources are available. Help is available.

Hope is available.

If you are as worried as I am about how readily pornography is available to our society, help me take a stand against it.
Join the Street Team.
Learn how to keep your home safe.
And talk.
Talk with others about how harmful pornography is. Stand up against the pornification in our society.
Watching pornography is not the norm and even if it was, it is still harmful. It is still ruining relationships and brain development and societal views.

Keep the conversations going about how harmful pornography can be. Keep speaking up about why this is NOT OK.

Fight with me, friends.
Fight the new drug.

The Tornado

She shakes, anticipating the outcome. It is here. The tornado has arrived. Her legs quiver with each sign of lightning. The earth beneath her cracks and the sky is full of grey.

Life as she knows it is over. Everything she has trusted to keep her grounded is now uprooted. The steps she will take will determine parts of her outcome but it is not all up to her. Forces cause her to tremble, to fall, to move in directions she never planned on going.

She runs. She walks. She crawls if she has to. Determined not to let this hell engulf every part of her, she continues on her journey. She will make it. She has to make it.

The only other choice is to give up but she is a warrior.

Her army rallies around her. They can see that she is struggling to find a path around the tornado and she needs their help. And help, they will. They have been there before. They know what this tornado feels like and they know how to find a way. They provide her with flashlights, food, a first-aid kit, and water so she is prepared to make her journey.

She is never alone. Some days, she stands tall. Other days, she lays down on the ground. The tornado lasts longer than anything she has ever experienced. She wonders when it will end. She wonders how it will end.

Can her marriage survive? Will her children survive? Does her soul survive?

She braces for the storm and she prays. With everything she has, she prays that she is strong enough to handle the outcome.

Suddenly, the tornado has wrapped around her. She couldn't get past it, no matter how hard she tried. In the middle of the tornado, she remembers all of the hurtful things her husband has done and said, all of the insecurities she has about herself, and all of the ways she has failed as a mother. She falls to the ground and tries to come to grips with her ending. This must be how it ends. Nothing this painful can possibly be endured by one person.

But when she looks up, she finds her warrior sisters fighting to make their way to the middle of the tornado. They have come to be with her. They realize they cannot rescue her. They cannot pull her from the middle of the tornado. But they can wait with her until it is all over. They can make sure she isn't alone.

The storm finally ends. She is bleeding but not completely broken. Her arms are filled with cuts and bruises and her heart is still aching. Her sisters gather her in their arms and help to heal her. The process is slow. She doesn't fully believe she can ever be healed from the trauma of her tornado. But she lets them in anyway.

She trusts her warrior sisters, for they have been there when no one else would come. They have taken on her heartache and empathized with her pain. They have given her tools she couldn't find on her own.

She used to look at tornados and wonder how anyone was able to survive them but now she knows. She has done it. She has survived the very thing she thought was unsurvivable.

She will make it. There may be other storms that come her way but she will make it.

She is a warrior.

One Truth, A Thousand Lies

I am a chain breaker. A lot of hard things have happened in my life and I want to be the one to fight them, to challenge them until the chains are broken.

Addiction is full of chains. Addiction is full of heartache and lies and secrecy.

I am the addict and the person affected by addiction. I have had to re-learn how to live life since April because in some really dark moments, my world was shattered and everything I had trusted as truth had turned to lies.

It only took one truth to learn about so many lies.

I don't know if I've ever felt lower than I did in April. Maybe as a teenager I got close, maybe a little bit when I was first diagnosed with infertility, but never quite as brutal as April.

Journal entry from February 2014: The thing is, if I would've been a different person, maybe none of this would've happened. If I would've been more patient or less controlling with him, maybe he would've loved me more. And if I would've taken better care of myself and stayed skinny, he wouldn't have left.

Now that he's gone, I don't want this to happen again. I want to be a different person so I don't drive anyone else away. I want to change some of the main things I used to like about myself because it's more important that other people like me."

When I wrote those words, I never intended to share them with anyone besides my counselor. They were raw surfaced emotions I was feeling about the things happening in my life. And unfortunately, they happened to be feelings I had and wrote about before April, when I found the missing puzzle piece to my broken marriage.

So you can imagine how much worse I felt after finding out I had been second (or third or fourth or fifth) to the devil's internet for years. You can imagine how discarded and empty and worthless I felt when I realized I was broken in a thousand places.

But God knew I wouldn't be able to handle it on my own. He had already set up the support and love I would need during this extremely confusing and dark time.
Some family members thought I already knew about the addiction because I attended The Togetherness Project and in the main description, it states: Join with other courageous women who are gathering together in a spirit of sisterhood to help overcome the betrayal of trust and emotional pain associated with a loved one's pornography addiction and/or infidelity.
Yeah, surprising, isn't it? I honestly didn't know.
I was attending the project because a friend had invited me. I was going through a divorce, life felt super messy, and I welcomed any and all support in the form of a sisterhood.
And support me, they did.

I've learned a lot about pornography addiction in the last three months than ever before in my life. I've written an essay for school on the subject, I've discussed among friends, and I've read a ton of statistics.

I've become a fighter because I feel like it is a part of me. I feel like I can make a difference just by bringing awareness to the *fact* that pornography kills love.

Artificial love is not the same thing as real love.

Satan is trying and he is succeeding. Men and women are getting lost in the internet world of pornography and most of them are feeling an incredible amount of shame and worthlessness because they can't just kick their habit.

Within my church, we often shy away from talking about the nitty gritty of pornography addiction because it is uncomfortable. I've heard people preach that "good men/women don't look at pornography" and it makes me want to throw up because guess what? THEY DO!

Good men and women are trapped in this world full of lies and heartache, not only for themselves but for their spouses or future relationships. These aren't disgusting people, they are our family and friends, our very own loved ones! They are struggling in secrecy because if they came out and talked about their addiction, they would risk judgment and people looking at them in a whole different light.

But what makes them different? Nothing, really.

Because it can happen to anyone. It isn't just an addiction for boys or girls or teenagers or adults or poor people or rich people; pornography takes anyone and everyone it can. That's the way Satan set this up.

Did you know that pornography literally changes chemicals in the brain? "On the surface, cocaine and porn don’t seem to have a lot in common but studies are showing that viewing pornography tricks your brain into releasing the same pleasure chemicals that drugs do. What’s more is your brain actually begins to rewire itself because of this artificial stimulation." source

Covenant Eyes states that 9 out of 10 boys and 6 out of 10 girls have been introduced to pornography before they are 18 years old and the average age of exposure is now 7. SEVEN!

The statistics are scary. You can go to either of the websites I linked and you will find more.

I have joined this fight in the way that I can, by bringing awareness and also by opening the discussion about judgment and what our purpose here is; because I highly doubt God would put us on this earth to judge and ridicule each other.

But along with my fight to bring more awareness, I am still a woman affected by pornography addiction. I have still felt a lot of loss and pain and confusion these past few months, mourning a huge part of my life that now seems too painful to remember.

Divorce life brought a lot of heartache into my life. Learning about the pornography brought a heartache I didn't know could even exist.

My eating disorder is one of the main demons I refer to when I talk about my brokeness after our separation. And I've viewed my eating disorder the same as some people might view their pornography addiction or some other type of addiction; it is shameful.

But it is common and I am choosing to open up to you because you may be struggling too. You might be feeling broken and bruised in an otherwise safe-looking world. Because eating disorders tell us we aren't good enough and that controlling our eating or exercising will bring us the happiness we are searching for.

My eating disorder tells me I wasn't as skinny or beautiful as the women in the internet. My eating disorder tells me that he left because of my physical appearance. My eating disorder tells me I'll be happier when I weigh a certain amount or control the hell out of my eating.

Because control is a huge part of this. When my life was pulled out from under me, I felt unstable, out of control, and absolutely defeated.

And if you're wondering the most important lesson I've learned from fighting my eating disorder and fighting the lies it tells me about myself, it is that I am not happier when I'm listening to my eating disorder. I am not happier when I am starving myself or purging to avoid weight gain. I am not happier when I hyper-focus on my flaws and decide I have to do whatever it takes to get rid of them.

I'm not.

Because this girl

And this girl

And this girl

And this girl are ALL the same person and not one of them is better or more worthy than the other.

They are all me. I am every single one of those pictures.

My eating disorder tells me a lot of lies and it is often hard to distinguish between the truths and the false information inside of my brain. I am on a journey to healing myself, learning more about my disorder, and challenging the lies inside of my head.

I've learned that a spouse's pornography addiction can directly coincide with a person developing an eating disorder. Although that wasn't the case for me, pornography addiction seemed to validate everything I had been fighting not to believe about myself for years. It brought a lot of insecurities I already had and magnified them by three thousand.

But I guess I'm here to tell you that it is a fight worth fighting. The life I live, although messy, is beautiful beyond anything I could've comprehended. I fight for my children. I fight for you.

And I'm learning that I am worth my fight too. I am worth more than any amount of money or weight or artificial love. I am worth fighting for. 

We are all worth fighting for.

Real Writing

I want to be real. I want to sit here and profess all of my feelings and concerns and thoughts into this blog to help you and to help me.

My mother is a writer; an extremely talented write. She has written each of her grandchildren their own personal childrens book, she has written other childrens books, and she is currently writing her first biography. I feel like writing is in my blood. I've kept journals since I was a little girl. I've always gotten excited when assigned an essay in my English classes.

And now I blog. And on top of that, I still write in my journal and I still write essays for school.

The day after d-day (the day he moved out), I sat on my bed sobbing and ferociously scribbling words into my journal. My journal became my safe place. It contains so many of my emotions from the past ten months and I'll cherish that forever because in a few years, I doubt I'll remember all of these feelings. I'm pretty good at forgetting really painful things and I hope that my journal will be a reminder of how strong and brave I can be in the midst of some pretty painful trials.

Divorce has been pretty hard lately. It has been one hard lesson after another after another. I feel like I'm often being taught these new principles, some of which I doubt I'll ever fully grasp.

How do you just get used to the knowledge that people you loved so dearly now view you as crazy or manipulative? How do you get through the day without shouting the real reasons for divorce at everyone who has ever doubted your decisions?

Months ago, a friend had approached me and asked me about my divorce. We were talking and she said, "So did you just leave him because he stopped going to church and it got too hard?"
I was kind of shocked.
She only knew the story from my blog.
Did I make it sound like I left him?
Because the thing is, I didn't leave him. And oh my heck, I wish the only thing I was dealing with was an ex-husband who didn't go to church. Can we go back to the time where that was my biggest struggle? Because as hard as it was, it wasn't as hard as the divorce.

The thing is, I'm a good person. I'm finding my confidence---the confidence that left the day he did. I'm getting to a point where I can say with a certainty that I am worth something to my God and to other people on this earth. I know my intentions are good. I know my heart tries to love everyone.

I don't have hate for the man I am now divorced from. I don't have hate for his family or the friends he associates with. I don't carry hate around with me when I go about my daily routine.

I'm not as crazy or emotional as people think. I might be crazy at times and I am not denying my emotional capabilities but they aren't abnormal or psychotic.

I don't know if I'll ever get used to the fact that people believe really horrible lies about me. I know it's something I can't change but that doesn't make it any less painful. I promise I'm trying to act like a daughter of God. I promise I'm trying to serve and smile and love others.

I'm not perfect but I'm trying and I hope that the people I continue to trust believe in me also.

Because trust surely has been a hard thing to re-learn and re-gain. That was one of my flaws before divorce. I don't trust very easily. I often would make assumptions about my marriage and would act crazy because I truly felt crazy. And the worst part is, almost every thing I doubted in my marriage turned out to be full of lies---and the crazy feelings I felt have answers.

And this isn't me saying, "Neener, neener, I was right!". I didn't want to be right this time. I just hope you'll understand why I don't trust and why I'm afraid of the future a lot of the time.

A year ago, I was only a month away from one of the biggest changes and heartbreaks I've ever experienced...

...it's not that I want to warn the girl in this picture from July 4th, 2013 but I sure do ache for what lies ahead for her.

Because it isn't always pretty. It isn't full of sarcasm and laughing and smiles like I wish it was.

But through it all, she will learn. She will learn how to trust herself when she feels she can't trust anyone else. She will learn that God is aware of everything. She will learn that motherhood and sisterhood and just being a human being isn't perfection and it gets messy sometimes.

She will learn a lot of good things that will someday overpower the bad.

And with that knowledge, she will teach and serve and love the people around her so much better than before.

And that will make this all worth it.

Everybody is a Somebody

Everybody is a somebody. Everybody.

I've been lucky enough in my life to be taught these truths through some really hard trials.

I've learned these truths through my marriage to a man with an addiction. I've learned these truths through my own eating disorder addiction. I've learned these truths from some pretty bad decisions I've made and some pretty bad decisions others have made that have affected my life.

And here I am, a genuinely good person; an imperfect, often obnoxious person who struggles with her own addictions and although I could sit here and feel sorry for myself that life is hard and lonely and scary sometimes, that just seems like a waste of what I'm going through.

Either way, I'm going to go through this crap. I don't have a choice in that matter. People have made decisions, promises have been broken, lives have been altered---and all I have left is my choice of how to deal with this.

So I'm choosing to learn.

I'm choosing to learn that addictions don't make you a bad person. I've known some pretty wonderful people do some pretty horrible things. They aren't bad people. They made bad choices. Addiction is a subject that has taught me empathy and patience---well, mostly empathy. I have learned that it is possible to look past someone's actions and try and see their heart. I absolutely, positively hate addiction---but I don't hate the addict. Huge difference, friends.

I'm choosing to learn that I can truly open my heart to love everyone around me. I don't need to agree with them. Our world is full of so much controversy. We see things on the news or in articles about the choices people are making and we have the choice to judge them or love them. But everybody is a somebody and they deserve the opportunity to voice what their heart feels.
I've been having a hard time seeing all of this Ordain Women stuff in the media because the arguments on both sides have gotten pretty tense. I see people bashing characters of people they have never met. I see horrible words being thrown out into the internet world to describe people who have never seen each other face to face. It was really getting me down that people would feel the need to talk so horribly about each other like that and so I posted this on Facebook:

You guys, we NEED each other. We need to have kindness and positive influences around us. We need to feel love and give love. We need to support and be supported.
So if we spend our time tearing people down, we have wasted time we could use lifting someone up. #loveoverpowers #weareallequal #everyonedeserveslove #randomthoughtsonasunday

I believe every word I said on that Facebook post. We really do need more love and less negativity. We need to give people the benefit of the doubt before jumping to the worst conclusions.

I no longer believe there are bad people---only people that make bad choices. We all have good within us. And most of the people we are bashing are making decisions they believe to be the best decisions possible for themselves.

Addiction has taught me to look beyond a person's actions and try and see them as children of God because that is truly who they are. Although addiction has caused some of the most painful trials I have ever experienced in my life, I am the Suzanne that I am because of the experiences that I've had and today, I wouldn't change that. {But don't ask me on a low day. On a low day, I tell addiction to go to hell and I wish none of this had ever happened...}

I am nowhere near perfect and I'm not over here claiming to be. I just know how much happier I feel when I'm trying my damndest to love the people around me---and even the people thousands of miles away from me.

This world needs more love.

Will you fight with me?

Life lessons before, during, and after trials can be really hard. Often while learning these lessons, I go through periods of isolation, regret, anxiety, and depression. I question myself over and over and over again. I choose things I know aren't right and I feel like I'm drowning.

When this happens, I often wonder how I'm ever going to be the same. I ache for the old Suzanne and the bubble she lived in. I wonder if my heart will ever love the way it did.

And I've learned that I'm never the same after these lessons. My bubble is broken. My heart will never love the way that it used to.

Because I've grown so much from my life lessons.

I've learned that my bubble of "safety" isn't reality. I've learned that reality can be beautiful. And I love deeper than ever before. I love unconditionally. I don't judge the way I used to. I see worth in the people I meet.

Life lessons are hard---beautifully hard.

This has been a rollercoaster of learning. I have felt lower than ever before. I have felt higher than ever before. I have felt abandoned and I have abandoned others. I have ruined relationships and fixed relationships.

I've mentioned "things getting real" a few months ago. I've mentioned the pain and the questions.
A few months ago, I was in a bad place. Not only was I questioning my worth and struggling to even stay afloat, I had lost my faith. It was scary, questioning something I've never really questioned before. I didn't want to go back to church. I felt alone. I felt abandoned by God. I couldn't feel Him the way I usually feel Him and I was afraid.

I had a rally of support as I went into survival mode for a while. Friends were calling and visiting and sending messages of hope every day. When talking to one of these friends on the phone and telling her my faith struggles, she told me, "Suzanne, hold on to what you know." and immediately, my memory triggered a conversation where I had been helping someone during their own faith crisis months ago. I was bearing my testimony to them and explaining that sometimes survival mode makes it hard to physically feel the Spirit. Because our bodies are working overtime to just stay afloat, it is possible to not feel God even when He has His arms wrapped around us. But once we are out of survival mode, it can be easy to look back and point out all of the times He was right by our side.

I have learned that and wholeheartedly believe it. My faith crisis, although very short lived, brought me to a better understanding of how much my Heavenly Father loves me. He sent others to get through to me when I could not feel Him on my own. He made sure that even though I questioned Him, I was taken care of. He didn't get offended and abandon me. He loved me unconditionally.

Life can be so scary. I have felt afraid of the future more in the last 9 months than ever before. I didn't believe I was worthy of love. But I have trudged forward, knowing that faith in myself is possible. I've had it before and I could have it again.

This week is the first time I have felt it in a long time. I have felt worthy of love. I have been able to analyze who I am and believe the good instead of focusing on my weaknesses. I have been ready to make changes I wasn't ready to make before.

My drowning has turned into choppy butterfly strokes---they aren't perfect but today I am not drowning.

I have been hoping for the day that I could feel strong enough to fight for myself and my children and my beliefs. I have been hoping for the day that I could stand on my own two feet and declare without a doubt that I am going to do everything I can to stand against the harmful things so present in our world today.
I can no longer fight for my marriage but I sure as heck plan on fighting pornography and body image portrayals because those things are NOT reality---and I'm all about doses of reality these days.

Spunky Suzanne is back and I've missed her. I've been lacking the confidence that it takes for me to fight and believe in my ability to make a difference. I've always been a "world changer" at heart but I've never had the confidence and the ability to actually be a world changer but since growing up---because I am such a grown up these days--- I have learned that changing the world hardly ever starts with something big and drastic. It starts within your heart.

Our world is full of so much evil right now and it is going to take an army to fight against the evils that are constantly parading around as fun or exciting or healthy. These are lies. Evil always lies. We need to stand together and fight the newest drug that is such an issue in our society---the drug that is affecting children at an average age of 11.

Will you fight with me?