182

Is it sad when you get on the scale and are excited to see the numbers 182? Why yes, yes it is. But this is where I am at and I have a goal. A whopping 50 pound goal. Can I make it? Yes! Will I make it? That is the million dollar question. I am going to answer yes because I know I can do it and I know how important it is to me. But please, if you know me and ever see me, don't mention this wretched number. It is something I don't quite like hearing. I tipped the scale at 200 pounds after having my son (ok fine and after having my daughter but I was on bedrest for 2 months with her so it doesnt count! :).

And here is why I am being honest about these numbers. If I am not honest, I will forever be embarassed that I told them to you. But if I change, I could tell anyone I HAVE weighed 200 pounds before if I weigh less at the time. Does this make sense? So I'm owning up to you. I'm trying to be responsible and own up to this weight issue I've kept going since the day I got married. Did you know I weighed 130 pounds when I got married? And did you know that I thought 130 lbs was SO FAT in high school. I remember when I was going through an eating disorder and after finally gaining some weight and weighing maybe 118, I cried so hard that I was getting FAT! Oh how ridiculous that sounds right about now. Now I have the opposite of an eating disorder. :) Or just a different type of eating disorder.

For Christmas, I asked for anything to help me exercise and my loving husband got me an Ipod nano, an arm band for my Ipod, some awesome music for it, and new tires for my bike. He surely is the best.

So here we go...182...to...130...52 pounds to go!

And that's the way Suze sees it (obviously, because I see it in the mirror every morning! :)

Right and Wrong

Life is not perfect.
Sometimes it can seem that way.
But it isnt always.
In the split second that I started writing this, my life just got a little better when I recieved a text from my husband that said, "Youre the best. I love you heaps and heaps!" Mind you, he is in the other room. And when I texted him back he yells, "Hey I'm trying to sleep, quit texting me." Imagine a hint of sarcasm and humor in his voice and you've mastered our conversation via typing. Good for you!
There are many things wrong with my life right now...

...and there are many things right with it!

This is just simply life, right? I know things will never be perfect so I've come to accept things the way they are and make do with what I've got. Having four day work weeks has helped A LOT. When I feel like a stay at home mom, even just for a day that most others work, I feel productive, happy, and creative. I want to take cookies to a neighbor or take my kids to the park and dance in the grass with Petey. This one day a week makes me feel free! I feel alive. I feel like a mother...not that I didn't before but I felt like I didn't even know my children's routine. Now have a whole day to myself with just them and nobody else---except for my two nephews whom I will start watching in January. But this new change has helped me to feel like I have some control over my life. If your husband is in school full time, works part time, is doing homework the rest of the time and you've got to work full time to make ends meet while juggling building a relationship with two children, then you know exactly what I mean.

And that's the way Suze sees it.

Effort

When you make an effort to make a friend, keep a friend, etc and the other person has NO desire to make that same effort, would you just give up?
My husband says I should. He says, "Screw me once, shame on you. Screw me twice, shame on me."
I don't know why I cant just give up. This certain relationship means so much to me and yet there is nothing on the recieving end.
Stinks, doesn't it?


And if youre LDS, you may understand this next part. If not, Ill try and give some details about it. In my church, we receive callings and since the week I turned 18, I have been in primary (helping with the children, ages 3-11). A new year is beginning...I am now 22...and guess what is still the ONLY calling I have ever had? You guessed it, primary. I love these kids so much and yet, I wonder why it seems to be the only calling I am trusted with. Am I still too close in age to the Young Women (girls, ages 12-18) to teach them? I would feel VERY inadequate teaching Relief Society (women, 18yrs and up) so maybe that means I am too young for anything other than primary. Does it make it harder that both of my active sisters have callings in Young Womens? Yes, yes it does. But it's really not a complaint, more of an observation. I love the personalities of my young kids and yet, it has been 4 years...a change would be nice. Someday it'll happen. Trust me, someday it will. And then I will let you know...But maybe Im scared for it to happen because maybe, just maybe, I'm scared for whatever else they might have in store for me. I'm not a fan of big change.

Goodnight for now...and Merry Christmas! I cannot wait for my kiddos to open all of their awesome presents...maybe I went overboard...I just really love them and everything seemed perfect to buy for Miss Petey! :)

And that's how Suze sees it.

My Angels

Neyo.

I love him.

I adore him.

And I just can't get enough of him!

This sweet angel boy is getting chubbier, his eyes ar getting more blue, and his hair looks more fire red every day! (please don't go away red hair, please, Im begging!)

He smiles like CRAZY, has a dimple just like his sister, and loves his pacifiers.

I miss him all day at work, brag about him to everyone, and cannot wait to get home so we can play. I feel this same way about his sister and treat my days the same as far as she goes. I just love my kids!

Two days ago, while rushing to get somewhere and getting on the freeway, a car cut me off and I yelled "You jackass!" and I hear a tiny voice in the back of the car repeat, "Jatass". Whoops! Apparently, that is the end of that word. (though my mom will argue to her death bed that it is not a swear word and only implies you are dumb like a donkey)

Fastforward to yesterday morning, as I am dropping off the kids with their Nana. Neyo sneezes and I hear a sweet little voice say "Bessoo, baby" (obviously, that's baby spelling for Bless you, baby, in case you didnt get that in the first place).

And then there's last night, when I ask Hayley to hand me the remote (which she knows she isnt supposed to touch) and she throws it right at me, raises her eyebrows, and just walks away. I could NOT stop laughing. How do you discipline a kid when you're laughing?!! And how do you discipline a kid who is so creative in her sassiness that it stuns you too much to get mad at her? It just isn't an easy thing to do.

My little Petey talks so much these days---almost too much---and just adores her brother, probably as much as I do.

I couldn't have asked for better kids.

Old Navy Customer Service

I sent this letter to Old Navy this morning. It explains everything and I am very angry.

Old Navy Customer Service:
On December 8th, I was in your store on Baseline and Cooper Rd in Mesa, AZ. I purchased four items and my bill came up to be $50.04. I handed the cashier a $100 from my Christmas bonus at work and a nickel I found at the last minute in the bottom of my purse. I had been talking to the cashier about the weather and she seemed really nice up until the point when she seemed to get really nervous and handed me a wad of cash for my change. I felt really awkward all of a sudden and in my mind I thought, “I need to check how much change she gave me.” My 18 month old daughter started to cry and the thought left my mind until the next morning, when I remembered the wadded up cash and went to check the amount. The amount total was $30.00, consisting of a $20 bill, a $5 bill and five $1 bills. My heart sank as I realized she had short changed me by $20. I quickly called the Old Navy store and spoke to a manager, who said she would get back to me in a couple of hours to let me know if the drawers were over $20. After 5 hours of waiting, I called the store back and spoke to a different manager who assured me all drawers were accounted for and no cash register was over. I explained my situation to him and tried to politely let him know that if his drawers were all balancing, he had a dishonest employee who had taken my $20. He made me feel like I was the liar and I quickly hung up the phone, very disappointed in a store I have been coming to for years. I am very angered to know that a dishonest employee is working at this store and possibly taking Christmas money from other people. Twenty dollars may not seem like a lot but it is to me and my family. I have talked to many friends and family about this situation, who are also angered that Old Navy would not trust me as the customer. I still have my receipt and any information you might need to fix this because this situation may cause you to lose a lot of business. I can no longer trust Old Navy with my purchases if such things as important as a dishonest employee are going to be pushed under the table. I will continue to not recommend Old Navy to anyone I know if this situation is ignored. I have really loved Old Navy since I was a young girl but being treated the way I was on the phone with the managers and employees of Old Navy has made me lose trust in the honesty of this company.

Sincerely,
S

Flashback Day!

Petey's first smile around 6 weeks. Neyo's first smile around 6 weeks. (Resemblance, anyone?)

Petey in jeans at SIX months.

Neyo in the same jeans at SIX WEEKS!

Petey in brown pants at SEVEN months.

Neyo in the same brown pants at TWO MONTHS!

Petey in Christmas onesie at 7 months.

Petey in same Christmas onesie at 18 months!

Verdict: Petey doesn't grow. Neyo grows A LOT.

And that's how Suze sees it.

Hi, it's me

Here I am in all of my 50lb overweight glory. I decided to take a picture because no matter what I look like, I want to remember these moments and I want to remember being a part of them...not just being in the background like I usually am.

Here I am 3 years ago, when my husband and I were dating. My goal is to look like this because honestly, without sounding to oddly vain, this was hot. Does it seem weird that I feel like her on the inside? When I am not staring at a mirror, I still think I am her. But lately, Ive realized just how much I am NOT going to be a size 6 if I dont TRY.

T

R

Y

!

Yeah...thats the hard part. I am 22 years old and I have MANY friends who DONT exercise and are a size 2 shortly after giving birth. I dont have very many friends that have given birth twice but let's be honest, I thought I would be like them and shed the weight after having Petey but I didnt. Sometimes I get angry that I have to work hard to stay away from obesity (by the way, I hate that word) but really, what does anger get me? It sure doesnt get me skinny! So tonight, I ran a mile...and tomorrow, I think Ill run another. And eventually, not only will I feel like her but I will look like her.

Complaint department open

I almost asked the question "Can I make a complaint?" but who am I kidding, we all know I am going to complain whether you say yes or no. First off, my husband hates when I take "an hour" (his exagerration) to tell a story by painting a picture first but who's in charge again? Oh yeah, my blog, so I am. I am completely grateful for the state WIC program and the many things they have done for us with my two little babies. I am grateful for the money I get to save and most importantly, the free formula. But---I called today because my chubby son is almost out of formula and I dont get new checks for another week or two. I explained to the lady that I am almost out and asked if there was a higher amount of formula allowed as the babies get older and she told me there isnt. To quote her, she said, "We are actually a supplemental program so we want you to be breastfeeding and will only give you formula to supplement your baby." Ok...lady...Im breathing...Im staying nice...Im grateful for this program, remember? I ended my call with her and had to calm my racing heart. These people have been giving me crap about not breastfeeding since the day I stopped. At 6 weeks, when I hadnt been breastfeeding for a month, the nutritionist I saw told me I should start trying to breastfeed again. Lady, my milk had been dried up for a month, is this a joke? Yup, breast is best...and in their eyes, breast is the ONLY healthy way to raise a child.

I'm going overboard, I know. Im being spoiled and ungrateful for the things WIC DOES give me. You should've stopped me while I was ahead. Too late now. :)

By the way, I weighed my chubs at 6 weeks old and he was 12 pounds. The kid as doubled his birth weight (probably moreso by now)! He smiles now, though it still takes a lot of work. I get about two smiles a day but I am so grateful for those two beautiful smiles that I dont mind. My baby boy is just growing up too fast and so is Miss Petey. She has started saying MANY two word sentences and has the most fun personality I have ever seen on a kiddo her age.

Also, another "by the way", next week I reduce my work schedule to 4 days a week instead of 5! You may never know how much that extra day with my kids will mean to me. Of course, I am watching my crazy nephews at the same time but we're pretty much a party house so bring on the fun!

Picky picky picky!

Oh my gosh, drive me nuts!

I have a beautiful baby girl. She is smart, funny, and sassy!

And lately, she has started being the PICKIEST eater! All she ever wants are crackers and other crap foods that aren't good for her. She HATES her high chair and eats so much better if she's walking around but it is important for her to learn that meal times are up at the table and not walking around the house playing while we eat.

Usually our meals go as followed:

Put apple sauce on her tray, she screams and tries to throw it off (i'm used to this now so i'm close by waiting to see if she'll take the food).

Put a cheese on her tray, she screams and tries to throw it off.

Put a sandwich on her tray, she screams and tries to throw it off (or just rips it apart).

Put a cracker on her tray, she says "Thank you."

Seriously???

All of these foods that she has always liked, she now turns down. Meal times are just full of fits and crying and I'm coming to hate that time of the day.

My husband says that it's ok to give her what she wants since I "get to choose what I eat for meal times so why wouldn't it be fair to let her choose" but I'm not a restaurant and if we are eating something, I do expect her to eat what everybody else is eating.

Meal times are really frusterating and what is even more frusterating is when we go to anybody's house, Petey ends up with like 10 crackers or cookies in her mouth by the end of the night and then she is full so by the next meal time, she will refuse everything I give her.

Right now she is seriously licking ranch dressing off of the lid so I guess I had better go. Yuck!

And that's how Suze sees it.

Back then

I really miss life back then.
I'm not unhappy now but I really miss life back then.
Do you ever just find yourself reminiscing so deep into the past that you can feel how you felt then? I have exact memories. Some have faded but some are exact.
The day my parents dropped me off for ANASAZI, I wasn't scared. I was angry but not scared. I think now that I look back on it, I was excited because I knew those people had to listen to my problems 24/7 and they had to act like they cared. I needed someone to listen and care.
Maybe that is why I started this blog. Because I feel like if someone reads this, they are listening and maybe even caring. Everybody likes their words to be cared about.
It was easier to be young and look up to someone older. I used to get attachments to people starting with Jalene, my first EFY counselor when I was 14. I spent so much of that week with her, talking in her room, walking around that BYU campus and how amazing is it that we've kept in touch! I can't say that about many EFY counselors (and I had 5).
ANASAZI brought way too many attachments that were very hard to let go of. I say let go because you get to a certain point where hundreds of kids have walked the same paths you did and you almost feel like you don't belong anymore. So much of my ANASAZI world has changed. People dont work there that worked there when I walked. People have their own lives and so do I.
I am proud of the six weeks I walked. I am proud of who it made me and what I learned. I am proud of the friendships I made. I am proud of the memories I have. I truly am proud of who I am.



Look at his face. My dad was so proud of me and has been ever since. You have no idea how many times I have heard what a good mother I am from my dad. He is the greatest dad.
Making fire. I told you I was serious. We found those materials in the woods and made fire from them. (ok, we brought the rope but everything else is from trees and plants)

Having a successful night of making fire meant the world to us. It wasnt just about the fact that we could all eat but you feel so proud of yourself for accomplishing something so hard.

That baby?

Who said that baby could get so big?

I guess, in a sense, it was us.

After telling his pediatrician who just so happens to be his grandpa that he has been downing 6-9 oz bottles lately, his grandpa says, "Well, if he isn't throwing it up, it's not going to hurt him but you can choose to stop feeding him if you think it is too much."

Well, dad, I guess we're just going to have a really fat baby. :)

When it's the middle of the night and after a 6 oz bottle your baby is still screaming for more and wont go to sleep, you're going to give him more, especially since you know he most likely wont throw it up. This kiddos sister was drinking 8 oz bottles at like 9 months, not 1 month! It's quite ridiculous and yet, if it's not hurting him, I guess he will just be a tanker. He already looks so big compared to what he did at birth.

So bring it on, big boy!

And that's the way Suze sees it.

Adventure

I am a free spirit.
I am adventurous.
And yet, I am a wimp.
???
I was the first out of my sisters to get kissed...and out of the 4, I am the youngest. Does that make me adventurous? I don't necessarily think so but it sure made me different.
I was the only child that rebelled enough to get sent to ANASAZI (refer to www.anasazi.org). Do you know what that is? Well, I used to call it the "Camp for Bad Kids" but in a nutshell, I was sent into the middle of NOWHERE (and truly, I'm talking about the middle of the desert) for 6 weeks to figure out my life, with the help of great counsellors and leaders. Seriously...I lived off of the land. And if you think they gave us a break, you're wrong. I hiked over 20 miles a week(not on a trail...I'm talking sometimes rock climbing here), carried my bed/food/clothes on my back, and ate stuff that as a picky eater, I was NOT ok with. Trust me when I say it was an experience I will never forget. And I didnt hate it. I LOVED it. So there I went off on a tangent when that wasn't what this post is about.
When I was little, I was a firecracker, much like my daughter is now. Who am I kidding, I'm still a firecracker. I liked to rebel, be different, do what I thought was adventurous and yet, I can't handle scary movies. Sometimes, I cant even handle thunder. Shh!
Did you know that I kissed my husband before he kissed me? Yeah...I did. In high school, that's something I probably wouldnt have done because I had zero confidence but apparently, when you're in love, you do crazy things.
And yet, I'm afraid of the dark.
I once went spelunking for senior ditch day.
And yet, I'm semi-claustrophobic and thought I was going to die the whole time.
I hate that I have to have c sections and yet, giving birth actually freaks me out. I'll admit, when they told me I'd be having an emergency c section with my daughter, I was somewhat relieved because it meant I didn't have to push a baby out of you know where.
I've lived an oxymoron life.
And though I complain and am not always satisfied, I truly am proud of my life and the things I've accomplished and the things I fear. It makes me who I am.

The Leash

"The Leash"

No, I don't own a dog nor do I own a leash for a dog. I have a Curious George in my house. She is 17 months old and lately, this Curious George has thought it to be hilarious to run straight into the street when I get her out of the car and go to get her brother. Not funny in a mom's eyes. So on Monday, I was doing some shopping at Target and came across a wonderful contraption, the Eddie-Bauer-Harness-Buddy. This is made especially for cute little Curious George's like mine and is not used for any type of animal (ok, I can't promise that no one has put one on an animal but I have no intention of doing so). Of course, we chose the monkey backpack because my little girl is a monkey and for the past two days, she has LOVED it. She points to her back and says, "Monkey! Monkey!" and likes to run a couple feet ahead of her brother and I. Once in a while, she'll start to veer off of whatever path we are taking and she is guided right back on gently by her loving mother.

So I am a fan. I used to think these were dumb and that kids shouldn't be put on leashes but honestly, I'd rather have my girlie safe and not in the middle of a parking lot and deal with the judging glances some people give. Oh well!

And that's the way Suze sees it!

I feel very lost right now. My parenting skills are deeply suffering from a teenage-minded mom. Yeah, that girl is me. I am 22 years old and yet, there are times I act as if I were 16 again. I will admit, I've thought for too long that my daughter is young enough and does not understand certain situations but let me give you examples of how I know my behavior is affecting her.
Yesterday afternoon: I get upset at my husband and speak rudely to him. Hayley turns to him, shaking her hands, and begins to yell gibberish at him also. [Ouch!]
Today: Hayley is in the back of the car and all of a sudden screams, "No!" and other gibberish and then giggles at herself.

Wow.

I feel like I have failed to teach her anything at all about being a respectful human being. Any time she acts up, I usually hear the response, "She has your attitude." but I am starting to think that even though she is spunky, her attitude has been a learning process. She sees the way that my husband and I treat each other when we are angry or stressed out and she mimicks it.

And please don't tell me what I've done wrong. I am hurt and embarrassed enough that I have taught her to act this way. Obviously, my husband and I have talked and will try and change some things but in the process, it will be difficult. She was born with 100% sass and attitude and to see us acting that way has only added to our problem.

I will let you know how things work out. She is only 17 months. I have not failed her completely. :)

And thats the way Suze sees it.

He's Back!

Just thought I'd let you know we all seem to be better and our face-grabbing newborn is BACK home and looking bigger than ever!!! I love this picture because of his one blue eye and his abusing abilities. This kiddo hardly goes anywhere without mittens on his hands so he wont rip is face off!

And that's how Suze sees it.

That Newborn Stage

I love my son, however I do not love "the newborn stage". There is just something about those first few weeks when you are getting used to getting up at night, changing diapers every 2 hours, and dealing with spit up that make it stressful for me.
So you'd think I'd jump at the chance to have someone else watch him over night. Ok, I'll admit it, I did. My husband and I came down with the flu and Petey has a nasty cough/fever so my mother in law took the baby for the night. That was yesterday...
Last night, my stiff joints and chills from the fever made it so I didn't get a good nights rest, even though I did not have my newborn. Then today, I just felt like something was missing. Neyo...that's what's missing. I love my babies, from newborn stage on, so it has been a hard thing to not have him here.
Tonight is the second night I will have been away from him. Tomorrow morning around 9am will be 48 hours since Ive seen him. I miss my baby boy!
Curse you, stupid influenza!!!

And that's how Suze sees it.

18 Kids and Counting

Ok, so I'm obsessed.
I love the show "18 Kids and Counting".
Not because I want 18 kids but moreso because I LOVE the wholesome family aspect. I love that Michelle Duggar teaches her girls not to wear lowcut shirts or any other immodest clothing. Really, I'm sure it sounds odd that I'm talking about this because my daughter owns two baby bikinis, wears tank tops, and wears shorts a lot. I havent quite grasped the modesty with her yet. It's cute to me when she goes swimming and her little belly is sticking out. But I have become obsessed with this show because I like hearing about families raising their children in righteousness. I love that they have 18 kids who are more well behaved than some people with 2 kids. I guess I just love watching their show and supporting the way they raise their children.
I hope that I can raise my children to be as respectful, caring, and kind as the Duggar children.


And that's how Suze sees it.

Meet my Babies

Meet Petey.Petey was born 17 months ago, in May of 2008. She has the biggest blue eyes I have ever seen and has a firecracker personality.
I had a plan before she was born. She was to be a breast fed, vaginal delivered baby...and nothing in my plan came true. Petey came one month early by c section, weighing 5 lbs even and though I tried to breast feed her, she was losing weight and would not latch on...so she got a bottle and that was the end of it. Her health has been good in the past year and she has no delays so far. She rolled over at 6 weeks, crawled at 6 months and walked at 13 months...all within normal limits of the average child.
Petey now has a brother (yeah my 17 month old is a BIG sister).
Meet Neyo.
(due to not being on my regular computer, you'll have to look at the sidebar to see his picture)
Neyo was born 2 weeks ago at 39 weeks weighing in at 6lbs 6oz and again, my plan was as follows: vaginal delivery and breast fed baby. Again, my plan failed and will forever determine the way I have children (two c sections is two strikes and you cannot try a vaginal delivery again). He started out breast fed and was a CHAMP. But between the nurses giving him a bottle in the nursery, me then trying for two or three hours to get him to latch on, pumping for the next week with great amounts of pain, things changed. Around the time that blood ended up in one of his pumped bottles, I chose to stop. I CHOSE to stop pumping. I was producing less and less and the pain was bothering me far greater than even the pain of my c section. So he is now bottle fed.
A family friend yesterday inquired about my breastfeeding, as I stuck a bottle in my son's mouth. I gave her the run down of my situation to which she replied, "You had better keep pumping so that baby gets breastmilk." Oh ok...I had no idea this wasn't MY decision, lady. I am sorry for stopping but honestly, I think the ultimate decision lies in my hands. And actually, I shouldn't have to be sorry for stopping. For the past week, I have cried numerous times and told my husband I feel selfish for not breastfeeding my child. But why should I feel guilty? I am sure he will still grow up to be a handsome, successful young man and if he didn't, I don't think I would blame it on those formula bottles he was given for the first year of his life.
So here's my opinion. If you want to breastfeed your babies, GREAT! I wanted to breastfeed mine also and am completely not against the idea. But everyone has a decision to make and everyone's bodies are different. I cannot know how you feel and you cannot completely know how I feel.
And that's the way Suze sees it.
Goodnight.

Here we go...

Welcome.

To my new creative outlet.

I need this.

And maybe you need this.

But if you dont and it only helps me, mission accomplished.