Owning Our Stories

Blogging isn't always easy for me. Often times I worry about how my words will be perceived when I hit that orange "publish" button.

Owning who I am right now is scary because who I am right now is messy.

I've seen the blogs where everything seems picture perfect and many times, I've later found out that things weren't picture perfect. I try to make sure I'm not just showing you 'picture perfect' but I also don't want you to think that it's all bad or that I am always struggling.

It's a rollercoaster.

I'm currently experiencing an emotional hangover from The Togetherness Project, which was held in Phoenix over the weekend.
I felt a lot of feels this weekend. Some were highs but a lot were extreme lows. It's hard to trust life the way it currently is. It's hard to spend a weekend with friends while feeling guilty for leaving my kids after a busy week where I hardly spent time with them. Balance has been tricky and it's incredibly exhausting.

The classes at Togetherness were my favorite by far. The day was long but I was able to hear some pretty remarkable people teach and tell their stories.

I was able to meet some out of town friends that I had only cultivated a relationship with online. They came from all around, including Kansas and Alaska. Although I already knew I loved them, meeting them in person cemented those feelings much deeper. Togetherness is an interesting world. It is a place made up of women who live all different lifestyles but understand and empathize with each other. It doesn't matter what religion you are, where you live, or how you dress---Togetherness blends us all together to create an amazing group of warriors.

Enduring the addiction of a loved one is painful and hard. Often times you feel alone. You lose hope and feel discouraged that life will never get better. You may try and rescue your loved one or cut yourself off from them but no matter how you deal with it, you experience heartache.

A few years ago, this was me. I didn't even understand my feelings of anxiety back then. I didn't know why I always felt unstable in my seemingly stable marriage. It took years for all of the pieces to fall into place and when they did, I felt so alone and rejected and terrified of what the future would hold.

Togetherness changed that. I was suddenly meeting women who understood my fears and I was able to provide support for others who had felt alone.

It was beautiful. It is beautiful. 

As I fight through the despair that tries to grip my heart and diminish my faith, I am reminded that I am not alone. I am reminded that people love me. They love the things that I hate about myself. They stick around even when I struggle to believe that I am worthy of them. They are my heroes, my sisters, and my friends.

And in my life, I am blessed that they are not only the people I've met this past year. They are childhood friends and church members and neighbors and family. They surround me and pick me up when I fall to the ground.

I am truly scared of how my life will turn out. I am angry and insecure and my life feels unstable---but during these times when owning my story means telling you it's really hard, I also need to own the part where others pick up my slack. I also have to include the many times I've found others loving my children and giving them the attention that I can't always give or the people who have pulled weeds or helped with the housework I find myself struggling to accomplish.

Although I am struggling to love myself, I am so very loved. I am so very wanted on this earth and when I repeat that over and over again, it helps me to get through these times when I don't feel like I'm worthy of life.

365 Days of Divorce

 I wasn't quite sure what I expected to feel this week because the feelings I had these exact moments a year ago were quite confusing.
When the papers arrived in the mail with the date stamped February 18th, 2014, I knew what they held. In that large manila envelope was a series of paperwork, all signed and dated by a Maricopa County judge.

It was over.

Seven years of the life we had built were over.

Goodbye, commitment.

It all seemed so broken.

But I had been waiting for those papers because I wanted things to move on. I think I figured if those papers came, I could feel a sense of closure and healing.
That didn't happen. 
Instead I panicked. I turned to the comfort of my eating disorder. I started failing classes. I was full of anxiety most days. I cut off my friends and family slowly.
I didn't realize just how badly I was hurting. I didn't realize how much fear was the deciding factor in my daily choices.

This morning, I was on the computer and thinking about a year ago and the 6 months before that where the separation and lawyer meetings and fights and anger and figuring out custody were pretty much running my life. I looked up pictures from that time---I found the pictures I had uploaded 2 days before he left me. None of them had been edited or saved correctly on the computer. I don't think I had looked at them at all since sliding that memory card into the computer that day because two days later, my life was so drastically changed.

My kids seemed so little back then. I wish I could've bottled them up like this and protected them in so many ways. And then I think about it and I'm glad they've gone through it with me because my kids are some of the bravest I know. They have had to learn a lot about themselves throughout the past year and a half.

 The thing about divorce is that you and your ex-spouse are in charge of how things go.
In the beginning, these questions are started with: Who is filing the paperwork? Will you get lawyers? Who stays in the house? How often do the kids go from one house to the other? Who pays the other or is it evenly split? 
Those questions seem kind of obvious with divorce. Everyone has to figure them out.

But then there are the questions such as: What goals do we have after our divorce? Are we working together to keep our kids healthy and loved? Are we fighting in front of them? Are we going to swallow our pride and treat each other with respect? Are we going to allow the kids to be with the both of us in the same room?

 It's confusing sometimes. 
None of those questions were answered in a day. I've thought about all of them multiple times throughout this past year. I've figured out my personal boundaries and then changed them a few times to make sure I feel safe. I've prayed about my childrens' needs and tried my best to make sure they are ok. In fact, that alone has been the cause of a lot of my anxiety.

I want my children to come out of this as emotionally healthy as possible.

 And I believe they will.

Not only because of what I do for them but because of what their dad does for them. I don't need a marriage contract to know that he is a good dad. He has learned to be there for them too.

My anger toward my ex-husband has eased an incredible amount in the past year. I am working on forgiving him and I believe with the help of my Savior and His atonement, I will be able to completely heal and find my heart at peace.

 I really CAN believe it has been this long. In fact, it feels like it's been even longer. I feel like I've been single for years and I'm kind of, sort of, REALLY ready to change that.
But...God's timing is not my timing...and for today, I'm ok with that. Actually, my heart and my brain don't quite agree on what "my timing" should be anyway so I think it's best to just trust that God knows.

In the meantime, we are a year stronger and wiser. I really would never trade these past few years for anything. I know not everyone would say that and it may seem odd. It's not that I WANTED to be divorced---I didn't. But this past year has taught me just how capable I am of being on my own. I have grown up a lot and have become a much better person. I find myself looking at the entire world differently---more lovingly than I did before. I find myself realizing that sometimes the people we think are the meanest and rudest are the people who need us the most. Often times, the people not smiling are hurting inside and are longing for human connection.

Living with empathy is a much better way to live life. I wouldn't change the infertility or the divorce or the many 'disorders' I have on my medical records. Each and every time I am given something, I learn a whole slew of new things and I become a better person than I was before.

It's weird to think that I've only known about The Togetherness Project for a year because those people that I've met have been life-changing for me. It's weird to think that a year ago, I still didn't know why my marriage had ended. That came later. And although I have many days where the effects of my failed marriage haunt me, I know that I am strong enough to live with the memories and even smile when remembering some of them.

It wasn't all bad. In fact, a lot of it was good. 

Most importantly, I am grateful that it all happened. I am grateful for seven years of a marriage. I find myself learning from those experiences every day. I wouldn't change it. That took a while for me to be able to say. For a while, I blamed myself for getting married in the first place. Who does that at 19?!! (just kidding, to all of my teenage married friends) I didn't know if I could forgive myself for making what I had decided was a stupid decision.

But without my marriage, I wouldn't have my children. Without my marriage, I wouldn't have Togetherness or my ward family or the extended in-law family I was able to fall in love with for seven years. And without my divorce, I wouldn't be the person that I currently am. I probably wouldn't be pursuing a bachelors degree in Human Development and a masters degree in Counseling.

It isn't that staying married would've been horrible. It could've been amazing. We had the choice to make it amazing---and we did not both choose for that to happen.

Three hundred and sixty five days of this life---and I have faith that we will all be ok. 

Bright Effects

 In the past year, I have been through a hell I didn't think I'd ever have to go through. I just didn't. But really, who plans their divorce before it happens?

Anyway, I realize how much I've been focusing on the hard lately---mostly because lately it has been hard---but there have been some pretty incredible things that have happened in the past year.

In January, the word I picked for 2014 was brave. I knew I would need to be brave as I pushed forward through a divorce and school and motherhood. I knew I would need to find myself this year and battle my eating disorder more than I've ever had to before. I knew I woud need to face my fears and make grown up decisions by myself.

It has been a year of hard and it has been a year of brave.

A month or so ago, my friend, Jacy, posted something on her blog that caught my eye. It was a special day her and her friend, Shay, had been planning for a while that they were giving away to two lucky women. All I had to do was send in an email stating why I could benefit from this day.

I clicked off of Jacy's blog and was so excited to see who would be announced the winner. I never intended to email her. I just couldn't see myself spending a whole day with two people who intimidate me because of their awesomeness and then have a photoshoot of MYSELF at the end of the day.

Nope. It wasn't happening. Not even a little bit.

I would think about that giveaway a few times a day and would see Jacy and Shay post about it to get entries but I just kept pushing it to the back of my mind. I probably wouldn't be picked anyway so there really was no point in writing an email.

But on the very last day of the giveaway, I saw Jacy post a link to it and I decided I should just send a quick email. What could it hurt, right? I realized the day of Bright Effects was just days after my one year anniversary of being on my own so I chose to write about that.

Here is the email I sent:

"On August 24th, it will be exactly one year since the day my husband left me. This year has been full of pain and heartache and feelings I DID NOT want to feel. There have been beautiful days and some of the ugliest days I've ever experienced. I have struggled to find my own self-worth and figure out who I am as a person, and not as the other half of a marriage. I am struggling to believe I am good enough and that the people around me truly do like me as a person. It's hard when the one person who should've loved you decided you weren't worth their eternity.

But because I am hopeful and trying and brave, I am going to write down what I have learned about myself this year.

My name is Suzanne and I have learned that I can do hard things. I can sleep in a bed by myself, in a house where I am the only adult and still feel safe. I can pay my bills and budget and work as hard as possible to still be able to stay home with my kids most of the time. I can be in school full time and juggle a half day kindergarten schedule, a preschool schedule, and a crazy dance schedule. I can hold church callings and maintain friendships with women who don't exactly understand what I'm going through but love me anyway. I can help other women who are struggling and in need of a friend. I can love people that I don't quite understand.

I can be a brave warrior.

I am a brave warrior.

In the past year, I have learned more about doing hard things than ever before and although I wish my painful journey was over and that the light was shining brightly ahead, I have hope that someday I'll find that light and that I can share that light with those around me who need it as much as I do."

 

Days later, I received an email telling me I had been picked as one of the lucky recipients.

 

Panic. Happiness. More panic. A lot of smiling. A little more anxiety. A photoshoot? No way. I couldn't do it. Someone else should do it. Someone skinnier. Someone more beautiful. Someone who has been through harder things and deserves it more.

 

But Shay talked me through a little bit of my panic and I was set.

As the day approached, I was stressed out about finding a babysitter since my ex-husband AND my parents were out of town that day. I kept thinking maybe that was a sign that I should forego the day and stay with my kids but because I have some pretty amazing friends, a few of them took my kids that day so I could enjoy myself.

It was finally noon and as I pulled up to Jacy's house, the front door opened and Jacy and Shay were both hugging me and voicing their excitement for the day they had planned out.

We started the day with a group therapy session with Angie Whitman. I wasn't sure what to expect because it's taken me TWO YEARS to really open up to my current counselor {true story} but it went really well. Angie is very relatable and friendly and I loved the things we were able to talk about.

After group therapy, we headed over to a pilates studio...what?!! The funny thing is I wasn't as nervous about this part since I go to the gym a lot and feel like I'm in better shape than I have been in years. But oh my goodness gracious, when we walked in the machines were super INTIMIDATING. I have never seen contraptions like those before! But wow. Wow. WOW! Melissa Olsen of Core Body Pilates is seriously incredible. I am still sore.

We finished our afternoon at Kneaders for a delicious lunch before heading back to Jacy's house for the next part of our day.

I hopped in the shower and when I got out, the hair stylist, Thom, and make up artist, Nella Brenner, were ready for me.

Breathe...you can do this, Suzanne.

I was so nervous!

But as you can see from the bottom left picture, I did it. The hair stylists took off an inch or so of damaged hair and then styled it and the make up artist gave me a new look.

I think the funniest part is when she said, "Suzanne, you're probably going to freak out when you look in the mirror because you aren't used to filling in your eyebrows." Umm, yeah, she was dead on. It was something I had to get used to. But she did an AMAZING job and I felt incredible when it was over.

And then it was time for the photoshoot.

EEEEEK!

I want to sit here and tell you that I was excited for this part or that I was overjoyed when I got the pictures back. I wasn't. I'm pretty hard on myself and I wasn't a fan of the pictures when I first looked at them.

The talent I was a HUGE fan of...Shannon was absolutely incredible and her work is amazing. But me IN the pictures? Not. So. Much.

But I have since embraced my pictures and I posted my favorite one on Facebook.

I know my Heavenly Father loves me. I also don't doubt that my friends and family love me. The tricky part is loving myself. I'm not there today. But I hope I get there soon.

I picked a few pictures to share with you today.

^^^favorite^^^

Sylvia was the other winner of this special day and I am so glad I met her. It was nice to be doing this with someone else.
The photographer snapped a few pictures of us together at the end and we had a bit of fun with that.

Sylvia is TALL...and when I leaned in to her, my head was on her boob. So we reenacted that moment but switched it around below...

...because I just can't be serious all of the time! :D

Sylvia is gorgeous inside and out. I loved being with her most of the day and getting to know about her life and all of the bravery she has faced.

We ended the evening with a gift from Jacy and Shay which was a picture frame with an amazing quote in it.

I am blessed.

Today I know I am blessed.

I was so lucky to be picked for such an incredible gift from Jacy and Shay. They are some really incredible women and I am so glad I know them.

With this new beginning and this new year of being on my own, I know I can do hard things. I know I can be brave, even when it feels so dark and lonely around me. I know I can fight for myself and give my kids a good life.

I can do this.

The Togetherness Project

A month or so after my husband moved out, one of my friends from high school messaged me on Facebook with some supportive words and a link to a blog post that she thought might help me.

Pioneer Woman was a post that changed my perspective and helped me feel like there could be support in the decisions I was making. I was feeling backed into a corner and I wasn't sure whether to fight or flight.

I felt an instant connection to the words on Jacy's blog and I spent some time reading posts upon posts upon posts to learn more about this Brave Warrior Woman who I had never met.

Gathering from her blog posts, I assumed Jacy lived in Utah so when I emailed her to tell her how much her blog had helped me in my journey, I was surprised when she emailed back to tell me she lived literally 20 minutes away from me. What?!?

I kept on reading Jacy's blog and she would sometimes refer to The Togetherness Project and I was a bit intrigued by what seemed like a community of women who had been in similiar situations as myself. But I was nervous. Oh so nervous. I knew NO ONE besides my friend and at the time, I wasn't sure if she was going to attend the conference.

But through Jacy's blog, I came across an incredible post written by Tc and from there, I reached out to her and met her in person...kind of by force. :)

What I'm trying to say from all of this blog tagging and name dropping (because in my world, these people are famous) is that I feel like my connection to The Togetherness Project was a bunch of tiny little pieces that created a completed puzzle.

So I finally signed up. I did it. It was a step of bravery for me and this is my year of BRAVE so I did it.

Weeks upon weeks before TTP (The Togetherness Project) and I started to look forward to this band of amazing women who were very supportive of me. Countdown had begun. I had hope that I would find new friendships and a healthy amount of support and also that I would be able to support other women and love them.

My vision of TTP was almost spot on. Support, love, friendships---it was all there.

Mark Bell started the day off with a bang, teaching us about empathy vs. sympathy. "Sympathy drives disconnection. Empathy is feeling with people. When does an emphatic sentence start with, "At least."?" I connected to this message because having gone through a few crappy things in my life (infertility, divorce, etc.), I've heard a lot of these messages. At least you have two kids. At least your husband didn't die. At least you get breaks from your kids every other weekend. For the most part, I could understand that when people would say these "At least's", they were trying to help me feel better but once in a while, those sentences just plain hurt. The phrase "at least" seems to minimize the pain I'm feeling because at least I don't have it worse.

The other message I wanted to touch on was a class taught by Marilyn Tenney. If you've known me a long time, you might know her as well. Marilyn was a youth leader in my church growing up. I was so excited to attend her class just to see her and her class ended up being my favorite! I really related to the things she spoke about regarding "Codependency as a Trauma Response". I have had a hard time in my outside world (my world outside of TTP and the women who get this trauma) explaining how traumatic this has been for me. I feel like I get a lot of weird looks when I refer to my divorce as betrayal trauma because it's not like he did anything to me. I wasn't abused.Abuse is outwardly traumatic and everyone agrees but it's hard to recognize trauma that is all emotional. There is no proof and it's harder to understand. I felt shame for even feeling like I had suffered trauma because I felt like maybe I'm just overreacting. One of the first things Marilyn taught was, "If it affects how I see my world, that's trauma." Then she went on to explain that I need to, "Identify the truths and lies of my shame." Why am I feeling this shame? What are deep-rooted feelings behind all of this?

I could go on and on about codependency and what I have learned from those feelings. I had a late night/early morning talk with a great friend (you know, the night before the conference when we pulled an ALL NIGHTER) about how I hate myself when I start feeling codependent. I can hardly stand it! When I start feeling lonely, I get angry at myself because I WANT TO BE INDEPENDENT!
My friend taught me that there is a difference between being codependent and lonely. They are not the same thing. When I'm lonely, it isn't because I'm weak, it is because we, as human beings, want to feel connection with other people.

Honestly, I'd pull an all nighter all over again, despite the effects on my body from 2 days post-all-night, to learn what I learned that night---and that was BEFORE the conference had even started!

There were so many other amazing speakers and classes that I attended. I learned so much about myself, about my situation, and about the strength I CAN have in any situation!

Not only can we do hard things, we can do AMAZING things! As human beings, we have the power in any situation to come out on top.

Together, we can rise above.

I Did It Anyway

One time, I hiked the Y. Actually, let me rephrase that, one time I barely hiked the Y.

I had been home from ANASAZI for over a year but had done an extra "dawnstar expedition" on the trail a month or so prior so I just knew I could handle hiking up a mountain. I felt like a mountain woman after ANASAZI, even though I hardly ever did any physical activity once I graduated from high school. I would often drive up to the mountains just to sit and write in my journal and meditate. I still do this sometimes when I'm kidless. Can I emphasize how much this does not count as physical activity?

But really, how hard could it be?

Hard. Really hard. That's precisely how hard it was---hard. Have I overused that word yet?

I remember getting halfway up the Y and I was no longer worried about being cool in front of my friends. I wanted to quit. My asthma was kicking my butt and I felt like I couldn't take another step. I told them to head up without me.

I could not do this! I convinced myself it was too much. It might've just been a small mountain but that day, it was too much. I sat there for a while feeling silly that I couldn't make it up a stupid mountain that thousands of people have hiked. Where was the fighting Suzanne?

On that particular day, I had a choice to make. So I took a little time to think about it and then I got up and started walking. I took one step, and then another, and then another.

When I got to the Y, I may not have been as enthusiastic as I would normally describe myself but I had done it. I had done something that, 20 minutes prior, I was convinced I couldn't do.

Isn't this kind of how life goes for all of us? We look at other people and the trials they face and we mentally pick which ones we would or wouldn't be able to handle it.

So what happens when we're given the trial we decided we couldn't handle?

This is what I was faced with when I was diagnosed with infertility almost 3 years ago (Oh my heck, THREE years?!). I couldn't handle it. But I did it anyway.

The marital problems came flooding in a year later and at the time, I wasn't sure how I could stay married. I wasn't convinced this could be my life forever. But I did it anyway.

And then my marriage dissolved and it wasn't my choice. I had found happiness in my marriage and it dissolved right before my eyes. I was CERTAIN I couldn't handle it. But I did it anyway.

Sometimes I tell myself I won't be able to handle school AND being a single mom AND babysitting but each day, I do it. I do it because I know it is important. Sometimes I do it just because I have to. Sometimes I handle it gracefully and sometimes I'm convinced my kids would be better off being raised by someone else. But I do it anyway because that is what I need to do.

When you have yourself convinced that you cannot handle the things you've been given, remember that you are stronger than you think. Your Heavenly Father gave you the ability to fight the things you need to fight if you let Him help you.

You can handle anything with God. You are a fighter and you can do hard things.