Beautiful Heartbreak

When I was diagnosed with infertility in August of 2011, my world seemed to come crashing down. It was on that day, August 17th, that I found fear knocking on my front door.
I spent those first two months crying most of the time and shutting myself off from my friends and family. I didn't know how to be around anyone without feeling so incredibly awkward.

My mom, sisters and I headed off to Time Out for Women after one of my really hard weeks. {I blogged about that here.} I wasn't sure what I would get out of it. I wasn't sure I wanted to be there and have to see people and fake a smile.

It was at that conference, in November of 2011, that I heard Hilary Week's new song, Beautiful Heartbreak. I remember watching the video and sobbing uncontrollably next to my sister. I had already learned about the beauty of infertility. The friendships I made, the empathy and compassion I learned---in only two months, although I was struggling so much and prayed daily for another child, I knew deep down in my heart that my trial was filled with so much beauty.

Beautiful heartbreak.

Those words would genuinely become my mantra for the next 3+ years.

As each trial would hit {oddly enough it was every August for three years straight}, I would go through a period of grieving and pain but almost immediately, I could also pick out the beauty involved.

I would listen to that Hilary Weeks song on repeat, laying in bed, feeling so heartbroken and alone. I would pray that God would show me a glimpse of the beauty ahead and each time, He would. Sometimes there was so much beauty that it confused me.

I thought going through a divorce couldn't involve so much beauty mixed in with the heartache. But it could and it did.

For the past few years, my sisters and I have been trying to find a feasible way to record a cd for my parents. My mom had asked for one in the past but between finances and time, we couldn't make it happen.

This year, we decided to push forward and make it happen. At times, it didn't seem like we would get it done. It took a while to find a studio within our budget and since we have a sister who lives in Virginia, scheduling was a little tricky.

But we did it. We each recorded a solo, a duet with a sister, and 2 songs with all four of us---and a bonus track of a song we sang with my brother.

The day I went in to record all of my songs, I wasn't really that nervous. I felt good about the song I had picked and was excited to sing the other songs I'd be recording.

The first song went well. The second, third, and fourth songs I recorded went well. And then it was time for my solo. I had practiced for weeks and knew I could do it well but the second I got in the booth, my heart started pounding. I don't think it was really nerves---just emotions. I knew this song was perfect for me. I had known that for years. I wanted it to be perfectly sung but instead, it was perfectly felt.

Every time I listen to it, I remember what it felt like to sing it that day. It means so much to me to have this recording forever. It means so much to me to have the entire cd of recordings. They are all beautiful.

But this one contains more than beauty. It represents a huge part of my journey.

And although my journey is far from over, I am grateful for the beauty I have been able to witness in my life up to this point.


Some of my favorite posts about my beautiful heartbreaks:
The Tornado
My Messy Beautiful
No One is Youer than You
Bravery
Fearfully, Faithfully, Beautifully

I Am Here

I am here.This is exactly where I am.
Right here.

I've been thinking a lot the past few days. I do that sometimes---think. I am nearing my year mark of living on my own.
A whole year.
I kind of can't believe it but at the same time, it feels like it's been longer. It depends on the day.

In this year I have slept in my bed alone, not had help with baths/bedtime 75% of the time, made grown up decisions on my own, finished two semesters of school, juggled friend time and kid time and now 'single people' time, been the "room mom" at Petey's school, taken my kids to extracurriculars, taken trips by myself with the kids, and I've even gone on a few dates.
Divorce life is weird. It just is. It's hard and weird and messy and I'm still figuring out how I should navigate this new life between kids and being single and my many, many married friends. It's tricky a lot of the time.

I've gotten more babysitters in the past year than all of the previous six years combined. I'm so grateful for all of the help and the prayers and the late night talks. A whole year has gone by and I still feel surrounded and supported by the people who love and my children.

I felt a strong impression to start writing this blog back in 2009, right after my son was born. At the time, my post-partum depression was pretty rough and I needed an outlet. But most of my posts were crap. Most of them weren't real.

I wanted so badly to write about real things the first 2.5 years my blog existed. But I wasn't brave enough to share my life.
Then infertility happened. I needed this outlet. I needed to write my feelings about what was happening and I wondered if others needed to hear it as well.
Judging from the comments and the emails, they did. People related to my words. I learned a lot of stories from a lot of people that came from all different walks of life.

Since then, I've decided to keep my blog as real as I can. Although not everything is blog appropriate, a lot of the things I'm passionate about are. Everytime I write, I put effort into my words.

But along with being so real, I take some risks.
Any person can come here and see that:
I am divorced. I am passionately against pornography. I have two kids. I have an eating disorder. I'm kind of crazy.
{Although that last one isn't proven...}
One of the hardest parts of having a blog is that everyone gets to know about you before you get to know anything about them. It's something I choose everytime I push publish.
I know it's a risk. I know a lot of the people that read my blog don't personally know me. I can't force you to trust me or believe in what I am saying. Many of you won't and that's ok with me. But this is my side of the story. It is a story I get to share whenever I want because it is mine. I do hope that when you read, you see a little piece of my heart. I hope you see that I am a genuine person.

Because I haven't quite decided if you knowing so much about me without me trusting/knowing you is a good thing. I still feel like it's right to be doing this and putting my words out there for everyone to read but that doesn't always make it easy. It is still scary a lot of the time. I still think long and hard before submitting my posts and sharing them on Facebook.

Because this is my real life, people. These are my ups and downs, my good and my bad, my faith and my fear. These stories aren't made up. They happen in my life. The emotions I write about are real emotions.

I am scared every time I come on here but I am also brave. I feel like this is one of my callings in life. I don't see a point in trials if I don't turn around and help someone overcome their trial through my empathy and understanding. I come here to help sort out my thoughts but also to help you, maybe just one of you. It's ok with me if it's just one of you. I am here to show you that you are not alone.

That is a truth that I know without a doubt.

You are not alone.

I Did It Anyway

One time, I hiked the Y. Actually, let me rephrase that, one time I barely hiked the Y.

I had been home from ANASAZI for over a year but had done an extra "dawnstar expedition" on the trail a month or so prior so I just knew I could handle hiking up a mountain. I felt like a mountain woman after ANASAZI, even though I hardly ever did any physical activity once I graduated from high school. I would often drive up to the mountains just to sit and write in my journal and meditate. I still do this sometimes when I'm kidless. Can I emphasize how much this does not count as physical activity?

But really, how hard could it be?

Hard. Really hard. That's precisely how hard it was---hard. Have I overused that word yet?

I remember getting halfway up the Y and I was no longer worried about being cool in front of my friends. I wanted to quit. My asthma was kicking my butt and I felt like I couldn't take another step. I told them to head up without me.

I could not do this! I convinced myself it was too much. It might've just been a small mountain but that day, it was too much. I sat there for a while feeling silly that I couldn't make it up a stupid mountain that thousands of people have hiked. Where was the fighting Suzanne?

On that particular day, I had a choice to make. So I took a little time to think about it and then I got up and started walking. I took one step, and then another, and then another.

When I got to the Y, I may not have been as enthusiastic as I would normally describe myself but I had done it. I had done something that, 20 minutes prior, I was convinced I couldn't do.

Isn't this kind of how life goes for all of us? We look at other people and the trials they face and we mentally pick which ones we would or wouldn't be able to handle it.

So what happens when we're given the trial we decided we couldn't handle?

This is what I was faced with when I was diagnosed with infertility almost 3 years ago (Oh my heck, THREE years?!). I couldn't handle it. But I did it anyway.

The marital problems came flooding in a year later and at the time, I wasn't sure how I could stay married. I wasn't convinced this could be my life forever. But I did it anyway.

And then my marriage dissolved and it wasn't my choice. I had found happiness in my marriage and it dissolved right before my eyes. I was CERTAIN I couldn't handle it. But I did it anyway.

Sometimes I tell myself I won't be able to handle school AND being a single mom AND babysitting but each day, I do it. I do it because I know it is important. Sometimes I do it just because I have to. Sometimes I handle it gracefully and sometimes I'm convinced my kids would be better off being raised by someone else. But I do it anyway because that is what I need to do.

When you have yourself convinced that you cannot handle the things you've been given, remember that you are stronger than you think. Your Heavenly Father gave you the ability to fight the things you need to fight if you let Him help you.

You can handle anything with God. You are a fighter and you can do hard things.

Victimhood is a Choice

 Many years ago, when a horrible shooting happened at an Amish school, I remember my mom printing off a quote from one of the parents whose child had died in the shooting that had made her think.

"Victimhood is a choice."

I remember walking past that quote many times in her laundry room and wondering if that meant something to me personally. I knew I could be the victim of my childhood and how hard life was. Or maybe I could be the victim of an eating disorder. How about a victim of depression? What was I choosing to be a victim of? Anything? Nothing?

Then one sunny day in August, actually August 17th to be exact, I was walking in to Liberty Market with my sister to pick up her birthday food when I got a call that changed my life. I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I struggled with secondary infertility for 2.5 years and the only reason I no longer "struggle" with it is because I'm single. That day in August, I slipped down into a deep pit. I felt like NOBODY understood. I felt like everyone would judge me for being sad since I already had 2 kids so I was sad alone. The first few months, we were in it together {we being my husband and I}. Then we went through a period where one of us was still heartbroken and the other one wasn't as sympathetic and understanding. It was hard. I chose to be a victim to infertility for a long time. I didn't function as well as I should've in groups of people. I got angry when people would announce pregnancies. I was playing the part of victim extremely well.

But I wasn't very happy.

You see, choosing to be the victim becomes overwhelming. It runs your life. It makes you bitter.
At the time, I was praying daily and nightly but not for peace---I was praying for a baby.  So the bitterness came easier and easier every month when I would find myself NOT pregnant.

So one day, I made a choice. I started praying for God's will. I prayed for peace. And I lived my life, actually in my life.
I believe that is one of the hardest things about becoming a victim. It's really hard to see past your fears and doubts when you focus on being a victim.
But it's a lot easier to be the victim. It's easier to feel like you can blame your mistakes, your attitude, and your choices on something or someone else. Being the victim creates a way for you to do this.

When my husband left me, a huge part of me was thinking, "Welcome back, victim card!" because I had an easy way to blame life on someone else. I was crushed and depressed and my heart was breaking---but at least this was his fault, not mine. I had confidence at first. I was ready to date and put myself out there because I knew I was a good person. I had faith in myself.

But I was numb and wasn't dealing with my feelings. All of that faith had been an act because I was scared as all heck on the inside. I was playing the "poor me" card and hoping someone would find me broken and pick up the pieces. I was doing things the exact opposite of my infertility experience because on a cold day in January, I decided I had never been good enough. I decided not only was this all my fault, I wasn't worthy of love. I went from one extreme to the next, both of them involving me playing a victim.

Some days, I'm still the victim. Some days, I feel sorry for myself. But most days, I live in the moment and am grateful for life today.

Life today doesn't involve a husband. Life today doesn't involve pregnancy {and thank goodness for that!}. But life today involves happiness. Those things don't go hand in hand.

Although I play a victim every once in a while, I am not a victim because victimhood is a choice. I choose not to be a product of divorce or infertility. I choose to focus on the good things God has given me. I have the opportunity every day to make choices that involve me being happy or sad or angry. Most of the time, I choose happiness. Sometimes, especially at night, I have a hard time choosing the happy and the anger or sadness sets in and overwhelms me but it's ok! It's ok to grieve the life I once had as long as I pick myself up and try to find happiness again the next day.

Happiness is found everywhere around me. I just have to choose whether I'm going to seek it out.

It Isn't My Fault

I get really self-involved sometimes. It gets hard to see past my tunnel vision of "life". Sometimes, life seems really long and other times, it seems like I've blinked and am where I am today.

When I'm self-involved, I can feel myself spiraling downward. There is a lot of self-pity, self-doubt, and a non-existence of self-worth during this time. I doubt every move I've made and wonder what I could've done differently. I did this a lot when I was first diagnosed with infertility. I doubted my food choices, my exercise choices, my every-day-small-and-simple choices because I just knew that this was happening because of something I did. I told myself it was my fault.  

I'm not going to sit here and advocate for you to doubt yourself or tear yourself down but I will say this. Everytime I do this, I end up learning so much about myself and I usually end up with more admiration for myself in the end. It still isn't good. I still wish I could figure out how to heal without blaming myself for everything that goes wrong in my life. I wonder why I do this because when my head is on straight, I can clearly see that my trials aren't happening because I'm living life wrong. It isn't all my fault.

I can honestly say that I'm grateful for my infertility. I'm grateful for most of my trials. I learn a lot from them. I wouldn't be this certain Suzanne who is typing this without the trials that I've gone through.

Does that mean I am happy about my trials and the heartache they've cause? Nope. I think there is a big difference between loving your trials and being grateful for them. I'd do it over again to learn what I have but I wouldn't love the process. The process is hard. It's hard work trying to weed through the hard times we face in life. It's hard to have faith at all times and not to let our minds wander to the 'why's'.

But the thing is, life just isn't fair.

We look at others and envy what they have but the silliest part is that we have no idea how their journey has been to get there. And it may even seem as though their journey has been easy but who flipping cares?! God gives us what we need to learn and grow in life. He doesn't make everything equal for everyone so feeling sorry for ourselves when we're envious of others does no one any good. Actually, it just makes things worse.

I'm often self-conscious and try to tip toe around others because I don't want to come across as the loud, annoying, and sometimes crazy girl. But guess what? I am loud. I am crazy. And gosh darnit, sometimes I'm annoying. But I'm me. I know I'm also sensitive and caring and compassionate. I love laughing and making others laugh.

So my goal is to let go of my fears and really embrace my New Year's resolution for this year. There were reasons I chose the word "brave" and I want to accomplish that this year. I want to be brave enough to be myself and not worry about what other people think of me.

What matters is what I think of me and what God thinks of me.

And all of this goes for you as well. Love you. Be the real you. I can bet you'll find you're happier in doing so.

2014: Day 8

Day 8: A moment.

This is probably the most vague challenge but the second I read it, I knew what I wanted to talk about.

I wanted to talk about April 2012.

April 2012 was a great month.
I was getting used to my infertility and the fact that I might not have any more children.
My kids were at super fun ages---3 and 2 years old.
But the most significant event of April 2012 was getting called to be the second counselor in our ward's Relief Society.
At the time, I was struggling to decide whether I was a good person or not. Infertility had rocked me and taken a chunk of my self esteem with it.
I had never voiced those fears to anyone, not even my husband but the minute I was asked to be that second counselor, I had an overhwleming feeling that my Heavenly Father knew me, loved me, and trusted me. He knew I was a good person and He wanted me to know it.
That calling changed my life.
Sadly, I was only in the presidency for 4 months but during that time, I learned more about service than I ever had before. I learned how to love and not judge more than I ever had before.
The month after I was released was the second hardest trial I've experienced in my life (and it had nothing to do with being released) and I honestly believe I would've handled it so differently, so much worse, had I not been given that chance to learn and grow so much the 4 months prior.
April 2012 through August 2012 gave me such a great testimony that things happen for a reason. The events that have transpired in my life have come in a specific order because I needed them in that order. I don't believe that Heavenly Father inflicted me with infertility or made us get divorced because "that's just part of the plan". I believe those things happened because of free agency and unfortunate circumstances.
But let me tell you, I whole-heartedly believe that Heavenly Father knew what I was going to go through and so He placed other experiences in my life to help me learn and grow before, during, and after each trial. He knew I needed extra strength and so He helped me gain that.
So do I believe everything happens for a reason? Well, that question is loaded but my main answer would be no. But I do believe that when people utilize their free agency, God gives us tools to deal with that.
And when I think I've been given too much to handle, God won't leave my side until I figure out how to be a little stronger, deal a little better, and smile a little more. He is always there.

Push Past the Hard and Find the Good

The truth seems plain. I can do hard things. But sometimes, it just isn't as simple as that sentence.

Yes, I know I can do hard things. I know I am brave and strong and able to take on anything life throws my way. But I'm not always able to do it right away.

Numerous times this week, I've had people call me an inspiration, brave, strong, and positive. I appreciate every single one of those comments, even though they sometimes feel out of place because I don't always feel brave and strong and positive and I especially don't feel like an inspiration. But if my words have inspired you, I am immensely grateful for that.

Part of my purpose of blogging is selfish. I love to write and writing is like therapy for me. But there is another purpose that is near to my heart and that is helping you. If I could help one person through the words on my blog, this is all worth it. Well, either way it's worth it {Remember? Lover of writing?} but helping you is the cherry on top.

When I look in the past, present, and future, it is easy to feel overwhelmed with life because sometimes, life is really hard. It is easy to feel like it will never get better, or ask why did this happen to me? but it is possible to push past the hard and find the good.

So how do we get there? How do we even begin to find the good when we are so overwhelmed with the bad?

I believe it's different for everyone. Everyone handles the good and the bad differently. Everyone feels differently.

For me, it started with service. I've already mentioned how something as simple as taking cookies to a neighbor helped me out of my funk. One thing that helped me through infertility and continues to help me is holding babies. My friends are all having babies right now {That's water I won't be drinking for a long time} and often times, I'd describe it as service when I help them with their babies. Sometimes, it's purely selfish but most of the time, I do it because I know they need it. I remember what it was like to have a 16 month old and a newborn. Wow, talk about doing hard things. It was extremely hard for a while and I had tons of family around to help ease that anxiety for me.

So is that it? Does service make our pain completely disappear? No, it doesn't. Service eased my pain and helped me to grieve in a way that was conducive to my life. It didn't make everything better.

Another thing I'm learning right now is that some grief just takes time. There is no magical button or healing power that takes it away in an hour, a day, or a week. Healing is a process.

Often times, I've been surprised by my reaction to things. When infertility hit, I was a freakin' mess. Seriously. I was a mess for about a year and around the time that I started to figure out my emotions, my marriage was having issues. Ha. So funny, right? Then, I dealt with that and learned how to figure those emotions out. And gosh golly, by the time I figured those emotions out and thought my marriage was fixed, I was left single. And yes, I cried. I still cry. But part of me just wanted to laugh. The twisted sense of humor in me thought this was all really funny. So...what's it gonna be next year, huh? Is this really happening all over again? How do I overcome this?

That last question is so important. A part of me wondered that for a while. How do I overcome this? I'm not strong enough to handle this! But I already knew the truth. I knew I was strong enough. You see, after the infertility and everything else that's happened in my life, I knew I could handle this. I had already done hard things. I could do them again. I certainly didn't want to and I still don't---but I can.

And I will.

Overcoming these obstacles is sometimes an icky, sticky mess because we feel lost or trapped. It's hard to find your way out with the tunnel vision we were all born with. It's hard to see the bigger picture and have faith that you'll get to your final destination someday. It sure is easy to doubt and to fear.

For me, fear is what I struggle with. Fear of inadequacy, fear of failure, fear of being alone forever, etc. These are things I deal with daily. I struggle to picture the end result of school because I don't think I'll ever be smart enough to get into a masters program or be brave enough to start my own practice someday. I fear divorce because I don't want to ruin my childrens' lives. I fear losing my friendships. I fear that one day, they'll all be gone---because I'm crazy---and I will feel even more alone.

Laurel Christensen at Time Out for Women talked a lot about our fears and not letting them run our lives. God wants us to have faith. Satan wants us to have fears. This is sometimes hard for me to decipher because I have so many fears in my life. I try so hard to trust the plan that God has for me but sometimes, I lose it.
Sometimes, it's easier to focus on today and what I want today. Sometimes, my selfish desires make it hard to focus on the future and what is best for my life as a whole. So to put my faith before my fear, I pray a whole lot. I trust a lot. I remember who I am and my divine purpose. These are things I know will help keep me on the path I want to be on. I don't always succeed. Actually, so many times in my life, I've insisted on doing things the hard way and learning from my mistakes. The good is still possible to find but it's a lot harder that way.

When we feel lost or angry, it is easy to feel like we should give up. These are the times we need God the most. Giving up is not the answer. There is always good to be found. I promise, there just is. Fight for that good. It is worth it!

My hope for this week is that you find that good I know is in your life. Find it and focus on it. Remember it. Be thankful for it.
I always feel so much better about my life when I focus on that good God has given me.

It is always there. Sometimes you just have to search harder than other times.

Time Out for Women 2013

 It's been a long time. I had forgotten what I'm missing out on.

As an 8 year old girl, I chose to be baptized and have the opportunity to have the Holy Ghost with me at all times.  Ever since that special day in my life, I've known that I had the power to keep the Spirit close to me. There have been times where I've kept it and could feel the Holy Ghost near me and other times where it seemed almost non-existent because of my stubborn will. But I always knew it was a part of me.

It really has been a while. I have received answers to prayers and felt peace in my life but it has been a while since I have felt the physical touch of angels surrounding me. There is no other way to explain it. It was real. It was powerful.

At Time Out for Women this weekend, I had overwhelming feelings of joy and sadness...yes, at the same time sometimes. It's confusing to be going through a hard time but also realizing how incredibly blessed your life is. Last night, my tears turned into sobs as I listened to Hilary Weeks sing "Beautiful Heartbreak"; one of my absolute favorite songs. I needed my mom and she was right there for me. I felt like a child again, laying my head on her shoulder and crying, and it felt so safe. I'm so lucky she's there for me.

Some of my favorite quotes from the weekend {most of them aren't word for word, just my fast note taking}:

Brad Wilcox:
Growth is optional which is why the atonement is a gift, not forced upon us.
Change is difficult.
We have to stop relying on willpower and rely on His power.
God requires eventual perfection, not immediate perfection.

Sheri Dew:
God will heal us of our weaknesses if we plead with Him.
The Lord will not force us to learn.

Mary Ellen Edmunds:
If we let something stay in our hearts, good or bad, it will grow.

S. Michael Wilcox:
Unless you pour out the grief and bitterness {in prayer}, God cannot pour back in the things that you need.
Never take counsel from your fears.
When I knock, they will open immediately if they know My voice.

Richie Norton:
Sometimes bad things happen so we can become more authentic.
Know yourself by knowing Him.

Laurel Christensen Day:
Fear of failure will plague us.
Be careful that you're not afraid of your own success.
If I want to change, I need to believe in myself.
Fight fear with love.
Don't stop petitioning the Lord for the righteous desires of your heart.
Peace is not always the thing you feel before you face your fears but it comes right after.

Can you tell I loved the speakers? Did any of those quotes speak to you in some way? Those were definitely ones that had stuck out to me last night and today. I have a few thoughts I wanted to add.

I often fear the outcomes in my life before anything happens. I fear the worst because naturally, the worst is just going to happen, right? I'm paranoid about bad things happening because I feel like I've been tested so much these past 3 years. Some days, I have a "Why not me" attitude but other days, I just can't help but feel sorry for myself and wish I had made better choices or tried harder or been better in some way. I could have fixed everything that's happened right? I could've fixed the infertility and the marriage hardships, right? It's my fault, right?
Wrong.
Plain and simple, that is so sincerely wrong.
Every day, I learn something new. Some of the best lessons I've learned recently have been in regards to my faith AND my suffering. I used to think there just must be something wrong with me because God was testing me too much. Did it mean I was oh so very weak and that he needed me to 'buck up'? Or maybe it meant that the good things I was doing in life weren't good enough to earn the title of "righteous". Some days, I listen intently to my Heavenly Father but other days, his words seem almost mixed with Satans and it's a hard job to figure out who is talking and whether I should believe their words.

An important lesson I've learned is that God does not make us feel worried or fearful or worthless. If I'm having those thoughts, I try so hard to recognize that they are from Satan so I can replace them with truth.
The truth is, I'm awesome. Ok, just kidding, but really... ;)
We all are. I'm brave and I'm strong and I know I am important to my Heavenly Father. I know He trusts me, sometimes too much, and I know He is aware of my needs. He creates miracles out of the trials in my life. Some are easy to see, others seem to take days, months, or years to recognize; but He is there.

Time Out for Women this year was my favorite so far because I've been feeling like I was done; like maybe God had made a mistake and accidentally given me too much to handle this time.
Truth? He doesn't make mistakes.
I'm constantly learning and growing and being stretched beyond what I believed to be my capacity. But here I am, alive and actually feeling joyful most of the time. That in and of itself is a true miracle.

The tradition of Time Out for Women is something I'll always be grateful for [Thanks, Karin]. To be surrounded by my sisters and mother for a weekend is something I need every year. I'm so blessed.

The very first video they showed yesterday was almost my exact story but with different people involved; or so it seemed from my view. I know God knew what I needed to hear this weekend.

 How I love these awesome friends of mine. I didn't think I could have more respect and love for them but after this weekend, I sincerely do. Everyone has trials. Everyone has heartache. It's real for everyone and comparing doesn't make your problem any less or more than you currently believe it is. It is what you personally feel, not what someone else thinks or feels.

The hardest part about this weekend was missing my kids. I'm not really the type of mom who loves a weekend away from her kids. Maybe that's because I feel I've been getting too many weekends away from my kids; the biggest downfall that comes with sharing them.

 But tonight was real and the Spirit in our home was strong. It stayed with me from Time Out for Women and it carried through our bedtime prayers and stories. It was the first time in weeks that I had specifically and individually prayed for my children and their needs during this difficult time. I often pray for me and think that will keep them going and that is partly true but this is a family trial. No one is exempt and I don't like knowing that! Why should my kids have to go through hard times? It just isn't fair.

But I know through the power of love from me and their Father in Heaven, they can become whole again and live successful, loving, happy lives. It isn't impossible. It is actually quite possible.

So tonight, I layed down with each child for a few minutes, something that proves difficult when you put them to bed at the same time and it's just you doing so. But I knew it needed to be done and I was determined to remind them of their worth and potential tonight. After saying prayers with Petey, she looked up and me and said, "Mommy, that was the best prayer I have ever heard in my life." And as I cried and held her while she drifted off to dreamland, I was so grateful for the Spirit and the opportunity we have to feel it in our own home.

We are so blessed.
I am so blessed.

Trials and Attaining Happiness

 I deal with trials in many different ways. There is usually a numbing point where I don't want to feel what is happening to my heart. The first time I really noticed this was when I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. The thought of infertility was so scary to me and I had a hard time processing all of the things I was feeling. I wish I would've gone to see a counselor back then. I imagine it would've helped me cope with my feelings.

There were trials before infertility. I had even suffered a miscarriage in the beginning of my marriage. And yet, no other trial before infertility stood out in my life the way that one did. I grieved. I was angry. I was depressed. I was confused. It was the hardest thing I had delt with in my life at the time.

Last month when things in my life got insecure again, I looked toward Heaven and just cried. I cried for 3 days straight. People would ask how I was and that would make me cry. I'd be listening to the radio and that would make me cry. But after 3 days, I stopped. Cold turkey. I started telling people that I must've just not had any more tears left but in reality, the numbness was starting to set in. I knew it was going to take years to get back what I had lost and I couldn't fathom that and so I went numb to protect my heart.
There have been times of anger and confusion. There have been days where I still cry. There have been countless days that I've felt alone even when I'm surrounded by wonderful people. It was as if the doubts I'd had during my 'infertility grief' were all coming back. I started to think that NO ONE could completely understand what I'm going through. Even though people were being nice and so so so helpful, they hadn't experienced what I experienced. Sometimes, talking helped. Other times, I just felt worse afterward. Everyone had advice. Everyone's advice was different. Some people told me I'd done enough while others told me to work harder to save things. I was so confused.

And then I remembered a huge lesson I'd learned during my infertility. There is one person who understands exactly what I am going through. Jesus Christ suffered for me personally. He knows exactly what I am feeling. I remembered that trusting in Him would help me through this. I know it will. It still sucks right now, plain and simple. I'm extremely worried about my children. I'm worried for their present and I'm worried for their future.

But trusting in God will help me to keep going. Attaining happiness is absolutely possible no matter what. It is not something we are just given or something that only happens when everything in our lives are good. Happiness can be found amidst some of the darkest times. For me, that happiness comes through knowing I am a child of God. I always have been. I always will be. The comfort that eternal purpose gives me is greater than anything in the entire world. Nothing compares to knowing that no matter what trials I'm faced with, I can always rely on my Heavenly Father. He always listens and He understands what I'm dealing with. He knows the time frame of my trial and why I need the strength I'm being taught to have.

Last month, I was so angry that my trials seem to have just gotten worse after my infertility 2.5 years ago. There haven't been very many breathers in there. And yet, I can see God's hand in my life everywhere these past few years. I have never been deserted by Him and I'm so glad that I can recognize that.
I can promise you that in your darkest hours, God is still with you. Let Him in. Let Him comfort you. Open your heart to his love.
You are a child of God.

The Princess and her Queen

My Petey is strong willed. It has been a long time since I've experienced what I experienced as her mother last night...like at least a year, maybe even two.

Ever since she was a baby, that girl has had a mind of her own. The five year old phase has been my least favorite and most favorite so far. Confused? I am too. My little girl is testing that five year old brain of hers and seeing how much she can get away with. Her attitude is feisty, her tone is often disrespectful, and she has a newfound love of the word no. On the other hand, when she is sweet, she is the sweetest and most helpful little girl I've ever met.

So back to last night. I don't quite remember what she had said or done but it was enough to earn her an early bedtime. As she was crying, screaming, wailing, and throwing toys at her door {which all seemed vaguely like my own childhood tantrums}, I prayed to know what to do. Her dad had had enough, her brother was now trying to sleep, and I couldn't figure out the best way to approach the situation. In my earlier parenting years, I would've ignored all of her actions no. matter. what. but for some reason, my heart tugged because of the things she was saying.

When I decided to go into the room of the tantrum-throwing little girl, she was full of tears and said to me, "I just feel like no one is being nice to me and I feel so empty inside." We layed down for quite some time together and I had the opportunity to pour my motherly heart out to that sweet child of mine. I tried my best to explain why we do what we do and how her actions have consequences. After a long talk and lots of hugs and kisses, she fell asleep almost instantly when I left the room.

As soon as I left the room, my mind turned to my blog post from last week. I thought about my wishy washy parenting and how it could affect my children for better or for worse. I believe, at least in this phase of life, that what I'm doing is the best thing I can be doing. I feel such a strong bond to the little girl that reminds me so much of me. Most of you who knew me growing up might be worried for my sanity and wonder why I'd feel blessed to be raising a child like myself but I am. I feel like her and I will have some of the hardest and best times in this life together. She is my little princess and I am her queen {her words, not mine}.

The good, the bad, and the 13 lbs I'll never see again...

I have very good days and I have days that take all the energy I can muster just to get through.

On the days that aren't good, I feel alone and I see only the tunnel vision of my trials.

On the good days, I can see my blessings and my vision is opened up to all of the good things in my life.

It's hard not to feel alone when you're closest friends don't quite understand what you're going through but I know they try. I'm so very grateful that they try.

Last night, I had a dream that I had a little baby girl and I got to be a stay at home mom with her being a newborn and it was heavenly. In my dream, I kept looking at her and saying, "This isn't a dream I'm going to wake up from, right? It feels real so it isn't a dream." Then I woke up. Sometimes I wish I could just keep on dreaming. But then I remember that if I choose to keep on dreaming, I would miss out on reality with Petey and Spidey.

The reality is that we're quite happy as a family of 4. Other people's lives seem to shake my ground and make me think I need another baby today but I don't.

I am so thankful for motherhood. My mom told me yesterday that maybe Heavenly Father isn't sending me another baby yet because I've already created 2 perfect ones and she is right about that. I know she was kidding but they really are perfect.

On a side note, I have lost 13 pounds in the last 2 weeks. I'm headed on a 50 lb weightloss journey {I know you've heard that before but I'm hoping to stick with it this time}. Petey told my sister the other day that I'm eating healthy to make my belly smaller so we can have more babies. I can't remember telling her that but it's slightly true. I do think that weightloss will help with pregnancy, if God intends for us to be 3rd time parents. But if He doesn't, I'd really like to be able to keep up with my kids all the time and be there for my grandkids and maybe great grandkids.

So...on that note, have a great day! I plan on making today a good one.

The worst and best days

Some days are just hard. Once in a while, I'll just have a day where everything seems to go wrong. It's beginning to happen more and more and I've been a bit confused as to why. I think subconciously, I know the anniversary of my infertility mark is creeping up on me. I get sad when I think about it but I also just have to laugh at myself.

I remember when I was sad about not conceiving after 6 months. I remember how devastated I was when we didn't conceive after a whole year. I remember when that 18 month mark hit and I was getting more used to the fact that we may not have any more children. But 2 years? Two years feels like a slap in the face.
Almost everyone that I've related with through this 2 year journey has had a baby or is at least pregnant right now. Almost all of my friends with 2 children my children's ages has a 3rd baby or a 3rd one on the way. Some even have a 4th.
 I've been infertile more than I've been pregnant in our marriage.

Yay me {sarcasm}.

My negativity is really a downer, isn't it? I apologize. I don't like feeling this way. I don't like feeling ungrateful for my blessed life. But I also don't like infertility.
I hate the big decisions I feel like I'm always having to make. Do we use fertility drugs? Do we see a fertility specialist and spend thousands of dollars? Will we get a baby if we do that or will we have wasted money for no end result? Should we save up and adopt? Should I just stop trying at all?
My mind has been racing lately with all of these questions and I wish someone else could make the decisions for me. I've found that the hardest part about being an adult is the decision making. I wish I could hire someone to make the best decisions possible for our family.

So it's been hard. What else is new? Infertility seems to get easier and harder with each passing day. I'm grateful for the dynamic change in my life. I'm thankful that even though things are sometimes hard, infertility doesn't control every second of my life anymore. I'm too busy being a mom to two little people and babysitting two extra little people most days. My house sure doesn't feel empty which I'm extremely grateful for.
I know God has placed specific people in my life to make things a little bit easier on me right now. I know He is a part of my every day. I also know there are times I forget He is there for me. Sometimes when things are the hardest, I have to remind myself why things feel hard in that moment. Usually, it helps me to realize that I haven't talked to my Heavenly Father enough or thought of Him and how He blesses me enough that day.

My favorite thing about being a mother is seeing how much tiny, silly, little things can change my childrens' moods. The tiniest of things can make their day into "The Best Day Everrrrr!". When I watch the video below, I can't help but smile. My children claimed Monday to be the best day ever because I let them ride with the windows rolled down in the car. It amazes me how grateful they are for the little things.
 I could learn a lesson or two from them.

I'm too happy to be this sad

It's been a hard weekend. Harder than many of the other 'hard' months I've had this past year. I felt like this was it, this was our month. Everything felt so different and I was excited. I found out Saturday morning that this wasn't our month. Thankfully, I found out 15 minutes before women's conference so I was surrounded by loving friends as the feelings started to sink in.

Often times, I feel like I'm too happy to be this sad. I feel overcome by a huge wave that is making my happiness harder to find. It isn't nonexistent, just harder sometimes.

I'm super happy with my life and the kids I've been given. No amount of infertility could make me forget how much they mean to me. It's just that every month I find out I'm not pregnant, I get closer and closer to the reality that I probably won't ever be pregnant again. I'm learning to grasp this reality and make it a happy one since I wholeheartedly believe that my life would be wonderful with our family of 4 but there are still hard days.

So today, I'm going to hug them tighter, play with them longer, and take a bubble bath.

What's on your agenda?

In the Moment

Sometimes as a mother I have a hard time being in the moment with my kids.
Often times, I get caught up in my "stay at home mom duties" and forget that the whole reason I am a stay at home mom is because of my kids. Without them, I'd be working right now. I'm trying to remember that a clean house isn't as important as happy children. I want my kids to want to be home with me. I want them to remember me being with them.
I'm coming to the point in my situation where I'm thinking we may always be a family of 4. There are days that I don't feel ok with that but most days, I just feel so content and happy with the life I already have. I'm excited for my kids to learn and grow. I'm excited that Petey is learning to read and that she wants to try out for dance team. I'm excited to see what sport Spidey likes best when we decide what we are doing for him in August. I'm even a little bit excited that Petey is starting kindergarten this year...but mostly that just stresses me out. I can't imagine a more fulfilling life than the one we are living right now and yet, if we are blessed with more children, I'll be ecstatic.
I'm learning that my life isn't going to be what I always dreamed it would be...it's going to be better. Only God knows what is best for us and no matter what my dreams are, my realities are my blessings from Him. He makes my true dreams come true; sometimes, dreams I didn't even know I had.

People often say that God works in mysterious ways and I agree. Two years ago, I hated infertility. I may never say that I love it but at this point, I can honestly say that I'm grateful for the things that God has taught me through my infertility and I wouldn't change it if given the option. The lessons I've learned are far too valuable for my spiritual well being and I am thankful that God is patient while I try and learn all that He is teaching me. Slowly, I'm getting there.

Isn't this enough?

Sometimes I wonder why I still get sad about infertility. Isnt this enough? There is so much I already have. I hate getting upset about wanting more.

But today has been hard. Some days are and most days aren't. I get angry that my body isn't able to do something that it used to do so easily. I dream about the pregnancy tests being positive instead of all of the negatives I've received in the past 21 months.

I'm sick of thinking about the ways we are going to tell our families or the adorable baby names we may never get to use. I'm sick of everyone around me being pregnant and not even understanding that it isn't always that easy. I'm also sick of being angry at all that others are pregnant. It is so selfish of me. I'm sick of feeling like none of my personal friends or family understand what I'm going through. I'm sick of feeling like everyone around me thinks that with more time, I'll just stop feeling this way. I'm sick of dreaming about having a baby that I'll get to stay home with full time and not have someone else raise them. I'm sick of posts like these. They may not be as often but I'm just so sick of feeling this way. I do not want to hit the 2 year mark! I didn't expect it to take this long and I'm honestly just surprised that we are almost to that milestone. How can it be 2 years?

Mostly, I'm just sick of not feeling like that above picture is enough. I know it's enough. I know it's a great blessing. Why can't I feel like that every day? Why are there days that I get angry or sad or frustrated? I want this to be over. I want to always remember my blessings instead of feeling weighed down by infertility.

I have so much. It needs to be enough. I just don't know if time heals that or if I need to work harder to make that my reality. Two kids are a blessings. Especially two well-behaved, mostly polite, ridiculously cute, loving kids.

The Itch I can't Scratch

I've been getting that itch again. It's actually been a couple of months since the last one {thankfully} but it's back and strong.

I'm happy that for now, it's just called an itch. I can remember a year ago when it was the biggest trial of my life. I can still feel that same heartache like it was yesterday. I can still remember trying to explain to you last December how it felt those first few weeks.

I am scared about that itch. It scares me to get my hopes up really high because I know all too well how it feels to have them crushed.

I've been trying to lose weight and get my body as healthy as possible. So far, I've done good these past TWO days. I know, you're laughing. But 2 days is better than no days. The gym calls my name most mornings and I've been trying to get back in a routine of having a nice, hearty smoothie to start my day off right. That actually helps me make better food choices throughout each day so it works for me.

I've been having almost constant headaches for 2.5 weeks and a PCOS friend told me it is probably due to hormones from my "condition" {Is that a thing? Do people call PCOS a condition? I don't even know.} They haven't been horrible but I wish I could take it all away.

Honestly, what I wish more than anything, is that I could keep this past year the way it was but have a baby in my arms. I know those two things aren't possible but it's how I feel. I wish I could keep the parts where I've learned from this, met so many wonderful people, found out who my true supporters are, etc. But you see, the only way to learn all of those things was to NOT have a baby. I had to feel infertility because I needed to learn. And learn, I have.

It's hard to think that I'm getting closer and closer to the end of year 2. How can it be that long since I've wanted baby #3? At the same time, it seems like it's been much longer. It seems like I've been infertile my whole life. It's hard to remember what a positive pregnancy test would even look like. It's hard to remember the feeling of a baby kicking me from the inside. So many things seem so distant.

And yet, I can clearly see one of the biggest reasons I've gone through this. These past few months have been a testament as to why we just can't have 3 children right now. I know I'm ranting but I'm just so darn grateful to my Heavenly Father who clearly knows what we can handle and how our lives are supposed to turn out. He knows the plan for me. I realize I've been saying that this whole time but now, more than ever, I can truly see that.

When things started to get really hard 3 months ago, I got angry and didn't put enough faith in God. I thought, how the heck can You be giving me another trial just one year after I was diagnosed with PCOS/infertility?
And then I realized the two things probably go hand in hand. My eyes were opened a little more to see how much my Heavenly Father loves and knows me. I hope this is something I can always teach my children. I hope they always know to trust in God and realize that everything in life happens for a reason. I am grateful that one day, when they're older, I will get to share my stories with them and help strengthen their testimonies of faith and patience.

I am so grateful. I am so blessed.

And that's how Suze sees it.

One year down, many more to come!

A year ago, I was doing a lot of this...

 And very little of this...

A year ago, I was trying so hard to count my blessings while feeling like my whole was crashing down around me.
I hardly ever noticed the positives.
I focused a lot on the negatives.
The only optimistic thing that kept coming to my mind was thinking that I was going to get pregnant right away with fertility drugs...and when that didn't happen, I was a sad, depressed mess at the end of every month.

So it's been a year since I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. While I'm glad I don't feel that same depressed way I did a year ago, I still have sad days.

When pregnancies are announced, it is still hard. It has gotten a bit easier but it is still hard.

I just really believed that we would be pregnant before we hit the year mark. I figured I'd be different than other infertile women and that fertility drugs would just fix me but that just isn't the case. I'm not sure why I expected to be different but it must have something to do with the 2 miracles in the above pictures.

This month has already started out hard. I guess I can look back and say it is ten times better than last August but it has still been harder than some of the other months this year. With every pregnancy announcement or baby update, I am reminded that I am not pregnant and that I may never be pregnant again.

Along with the infertility blues, PCOS is just plain crappy sometimes. I am not the healthiest of eaters and I know it would help to lose some weight but losing weight has never been a forte of mine. I have a lot of mood swings and there are days my body feels like crap for no apparent reason at all.

If you could have told me at the age of 14 when I was diagnosed with my first ovarian cyst that this would be my life 10 years later, I probably wouldn't have believed you...or I just would've been really scared and sad. I don't know all of the details of why women get PCOS or how many of them had ovarian cysts long before being diagnosed with PCOS (because for me, it was 9 years later) but I do know how hard it is to have a diagnosis that affects your every day life, good or bad. Even on my good days, PCOS might give me a little stab in the ovary (Seriously, though...) and it seems to just be reminding me, "Hey, I'm here! Don't forget that you're stuck with me!"

I know that last paragraph was sort of pessimistic but PCOS just isn't easy. A year seems like a long time until something like this happens and now that I'm a year past my diagnosis, I still feel like there are way too many things I don't know.

I have been pleasesantly surprised at the amount of support I've been given throughout this year. Through the miracle of Twitter (which I once wasn't so fond of), I joined a support group where I am able to talk about the unfamiliar and sometimes familiar things my body is going through. I can even talk about how it just plain sucks that I'm not pregnant.

Even though some of those women have not become mothers {yet}, they still welcomed me in and let me share my feelings as well. I often feel like I have no right to talk about the fact that I'm not pregnant because I am not childless but secondary infertility is a very real and hard thing. I wish more people could try to understand that. I wish it was an easy thing to explain but it really isn't. You kind of have to live through it to know what it feels like.

But even though most of the people I love have not lived through it, I appreciate that they try to understand as best they can what I'm going through. I appreciate their gestures and their listening ears. What I wish for the most is another baby but what I've gotten over the past year is still a ton of blessings, some disguised as heartache.

God has taught me so much and I remember kneeling down those first few months last year and telling him I could not handle what I've been given but He really showed me that I can.

My favorite scripture since I was about 14 has always been 1st Corinthians 10:13.
"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that which ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."

I used to read that scripture with reassurance that God would not give me more than I can handle.
It got me through many hard years as a teenager. I dealt with depression. I had body images issues and didn't treat my body right. I broke the Word of Wisdom. I was bullied and had a lot of fake friends. I really relied on that scripture when I was a teen and it always got me through the things I was dealing with.

But it didn't get me through infertility. It taught me about myself through my infertility. It taught me more about that promise from God.

Instead of focusing on God not giving me anything I can't handle, I now know that I can handle anything God gives me because He will never abandon me.

He is the constant in my chaotic life. He isn't just a strange belief I hold on to because I want something to make me feel better about my life. I know He is there. I've never really doubted it but there were times I wondered why the heck He was giving me the trials I've been given.

But I hope to face God one day when my life is over and be able to show him that I am the rock he was slowly polishing. I want Him to see me shine. I want Him to know that I listened and accepted my trials, even though they weren't always easy.

So a year with PCOS is gone and because I know life is precious, I hope to have many more years of PCOS to come.

And that's how Suze sees it.

One of my greatest teachers

I'm doing great and I'm doing horrible.

Is that even possible?

It must be because it's how I'm doing.

I think about being pregnant and have a lot of anxiety when thinking about starting to try again next month. I don't know whether to try on our own or add fertility drugs in right away. I am so worried that it still won't work and if it doesn't work, that's the end. There's nothing else we can do for years and years...unless we win the lottery tomorrow. That'd be nice (even though we don't play...).

I don't want to live my life wishing for another baby every month if it isn't going to happen. I wish Heavenly Father could just tell me a snippet of what is going to happen in the future so I could know what to do.

Because if these are the only two kids we are going to have, how blessed we are to have two great little ones.

But if this is not the end of our family, I want to be doing what I can to get our other children to earth.

I have such a strong feeling that this isn't the end but that's what makes this all hard.

I know life isn't about what I think is best.

God really does know best.

But it would be nice if Him and I agreed on this timing. 

If we were pregnant right now, Spidey would be 3.5 when the baby would be born.

I know these thoughts don't help and so many parts of me are so grateful for this infertility. Infertility has helped me be a better mother to my children. It has helped me empathize with a large community of women who are struggling through many different forms of infertility.  I may struggle with secondary infertility but I know what it feels like to want a baby and feel heartbroken every month. I also know how to get out of that rut and stop being so depressed when there is so much to look forward to in life (though I do fall back into it every so often).

The bitterness of infertility makes me sad. I've experienced it before but I know women who let it define who they are.

Don't get me wrong, I cry when others announce they are pregnant. For some reason, it's harder when women announce they are pregnant with their 3rd. It makes me sad for me but I can also take my sad thoughts and turn them into happy thoughts because I know I would want that for someone else if I were the pregnant one.

I just feel so bad for living my life so cluelessly to the issues of infertility. I always hated infertility and never wanted it to be a part of my life but I never stopped and thought about those who were possibly sad when I announced pregnancies or when I said I was a bit sad about finding out my son was a son.

How grateful I am for a son and how grateful I am to have my children.

But seriously, how selfish I was to complain for a second that I wasn't getting two girls in a row.

Now I know better.

Now I can act better and try and teach those around me how to better act around someone with infertility.

So yes, I am grateful. It's a very sad trial in my life but I wouldn't trade it if given the chance. Infertility has been a great teacher in my life and it is something that is helping to polish off all of those jagged edges that I am still holding onto.

There is so much more to this than just wanting a baby. I have been so hopeful lately and anxious to try again but I know whatever happens is God's will. Whatever happens will be the best possible thing for our family.

And that's how Suze sees it.

Sentimental With Emphasis on the Mental

Sometimes it is really hard having all of your older sisters pregnant when you can't get pregnant.

I mean, really? All of them? None of us really planned to be trying around the same time and yet, we must've been on the same wave link because we all tried...and 3 of us got pregnant, with me being the only one that hasn't.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

For the past few months, I've sometimes even forgotten that I'm infertile but not these past few weeks.

Lately, it's just been one hard "infertile" day after another.

On a side note:

Other than infertility, my life is great! Not perfect but I don't really have complaints.

Boss is deciding to switch his major and though I was frustrated at first, I'm actually happy and feeling really good about that. We had just hit the halfway mark in school and this may add on a semester or two but I don't really mind it. He has a job. I have a job. The kids are healthy and adorable and I have no complaints!

But back to the point:

I know we will have a baby when it's right but as I watch my kids grow and see so many people around me having babies, I just get a little sad and wish I was right there with them.

It's a hard thing to explain because it seems that the more time that passes, the easier and harder it gets to have infertility.

The easier being that I'm much more used to it and have accepted it as part of my life.

The harder being that the longer it takes to get pregnant, the less hope I have of getting pregnant again.

It is hard to watch my sisters with their growing bellies (and one of them already with her baby out of her tummy) and I know it won't really get easier to see people close to me announce pregnancies but life can't stop for everyone just because I'm going through a trial. And I would want others to be happy for me if I were pregnant so I do the same for those I love.

What makes it a tiny bit easier is the love that I have for my sisters. I'm so lucky to have the 4 of them and they can always make me smile (they're also pretty good at making me angry...). :)

I know this will seem like such a short time once it is all over. I am already so blessed and I'm quite happy with my life...I just wish there were more of those cute babies running around my house. I blame my baby hunger on my children. If they weren't so adorable and good, I wouldn't want anymore! :)

It just seems like it's been so long since I've carried a baby in my tummy.

Today we were watching old family videos and I missed them being young. It will be 3 years in October since I had a baby in my tummy. How is that even possible? Spidey's still a baby!

I feel so lucky to be able to witness all of the wonderful things my "babies" are accomplishing.

Petey starts dance again in August (to replace preschool since we're not putting her in it) and is just growing up into such a polite little lady. She is the exact personality of her mother and is super shy until she trusts somebody to not run away when she becomes crazy and funny. And once she becomes crazy and funny, the party begins. She is so entertaining and silly! I really can't believe it's only a year before she starts kindergarden! How am I old enough for this?

Spidey is not a baby in any way...though I'll still call him that probably until he's 87. He is learning letters, shapes, and he still doesn't recognize all of his colors. It's kind of weird since we work on it often but those colors just confuse him! And yet, he knows most of his ABC's if I write them down. haha. He's sillier than silly and loves to make people laugh. He talks like a big kid now and although it's cute, it makes me sad that he is growing up so fast.

I know I'm past the point of rambling.

I'm obviously feeling sentimental today.

I'm also obviously a little bit more emotional than normal...or is this normal? Who knows!

But if you seriously read all of that and still want to be my friend, thank you!

And if you read all of that and no longer want to be my friend...oops! Your loss. :)

And that's how Suze rambles.

"Me da baby!"

I'm having a hard morning...really, a hard couple of days. My hormones are all over the place. I've figured out it's because I've been lazy taking my birth control and the past week, it's more common that I skip a night and take two the next night. Not good.

I know I say everything's better and that infertility doesn't run my life and it's true. But just because it just doesn't run my life does not mean I won't be faced with hard days; days where I dream about being pregnant or holding my own tiny baby in my arms. It seems so unreachable at this point but I try to not give up hope.

There are many days I love just having my two kids. Their independence is exciting and depressing all at the same time. It is a lot easier not having to do everything for my kids, having them both using the bathroom, being able to entertain themselves when I need a break, etc. But on the other hand, I dont want them to grow up! They're getting too big.

I know I'm crazy and it's probably messing up my child but when Spidey comes up to me and says, "Me da baby." and curls up in my arms, I always agree with him. And when he wants the binky he never took as a baby for 2 minutes, I let him. And when he needs me for just about anything, I'm right there. I understand he wont need me forever and that makes me sad. I know I'm spoiling him but he's my baby! He may be 4.5 months away from turning 3 but he is my baby!

Often times, even when it's my big girly wanting to snuggle or have some "baby time", I just let her. I let her because the past 4 years have gone by way too fast and I know someday I'll look back and think age 4 was a baby age, whereas right now it seems old!

Over the weekend, I didn't turn on the computer a single time. I was with my family, not just in the same home as them. I've tried so hard to stay off the computer more often because I really have better days when I'm focusing more on my children and playing with them. They are actually way more entertaining than the computer anyway. :)

I know my unbalanced hormones are playing a part in this sad realization of my not-so-little children but at least it helps me realize their importance and appreciate this time I have with them. They are only going to be little for so long and I don't want to miss out on that.

And on that note, it's time to sign off of the computer. :)