You Are Not An Object

***Dear Mom, Don't read this one. It talks about sex. You have been warned. 

At the splash pad yesterday, some friends and I were talking about this article that has been popping up all over Facebook called, "Five Reasons to Have Sex with your Husband Every Night".
Immediately, I wanted to barf and send swear words through the air in the biggest megaphone I could find.

But I hadn't read the article so yesterday, my opinion was invalid.

And today my opinion is no longer invalid.

I even read the article with the best possible scenario of an open mind. I tried to understand the writer's thoughts and feelings but as soon as I got to reason #2, my mind was mostly made up.

This article is not only unrealistic, it borders on possible objectification of women. And yes, it was written by a woman. I will say that a few of her suggestions were fine. I just cannot get on board with this idea as a whole. Are you seriously telling women what they should or shouldn't do with their own body? Because I have a major problem with that.

My least favorite line stated, "Men are far simpler. They need to be fed, they need to be appreciated, and they need to have sex." (I guess since I used a direct quote, I have to add the source as well) Correct me if I am wrong, did she just say they need sex? As in, if a wife doesn't "give it up", her husband might possibly die or search high and low for a female WHO WILL KEEP HIM ALIVE.

Let's try to keep the word need out of a sentence when also using the word sex, mmmmmmk?

Sex is great but it is not a necessity.

The thing is, when most of us imagine marriage, we imagine a lot of perfection. We imagine a lot of bliss and laughter and romance. And some of us get that for a while or maybe even for the long haul.

But most of our marriages don't end up the way we thought them in our heads.

The images we created become foggy. The day we said our vows becomes a distant reality, far from the reality we currently face.
We have financial instability, marital strife, late nights with puking children, etc.

 Our perfect family life becomes mixed with arguments and stress and LIFE.

Life isn't perfect. Marriage isn't perfect. And I am so sick of these articles that depict SEX as a way to make your marriage more perfect. In so many relationships, that can be an extremely damaging subject to talk about.

Because we are not objects and we do not owe anybody anything, not even our spouses. Wait, especially our spouses. Because marriage is an EQUAL relationship and is about intimacy on a level much deeper than anything phsyical. Marriage is about two equal people who feel safe with each other.

And the very second you start telling someone what they should or shouldn't do, regardless of how safe they feel doing so, you walk a dangerous line of inadvertantly showing that person they are failing. They are failing because they've said no when they are so worn out, all they want is to hold hands as they fall asleep. They are failing because after a full day of raising children they cannot please the one person who should love them regardless of their physical intimacy.

Marriage isn't all about sex.

And the second we learn that, the better off we will all be.

The second we stop telling each other what we should and shouldn't do for our marriage or relationship to be better, we will be better off!

Because you have never been in my shoes and I have never been in yours...so why in the heck are we giving each other advice on subjects that are so intimate and sacred between two people?

What happens when the abusive husband reads that article? Or the addict spouse?

Pieces of advice as blunt as the one I am currently discussing are dangerous and can give people a narcissistic power. They can also cause the submissive spouse to give in more than they feel comfortable.

My brain reads articles like this and says Danger! Danger! Danger!

So I guess I'll end with this. I don't fault the author. I don't fault those of you who agree with the article. In a normal, healthy relationship, that article might have pieces of advice that could help the healthiest of healthy marriages.

But as it is with most of our cases, we have ALL gone through or will go through patterns in our marriage that are lower than low, where we may feel like we need to make changes.

So if it comes to that point for you, please remember that you will always have the right to safety in your marriage. You will always have the right to make decisions and not feel pressured to change things you don't want to change.

You have choices at every turn of your life.

Make your life what YOU want it to be.

Because you are not somebody's object.

You are God's child.

The end.

The Body Image Issue

Disclaimer---kind of: I feel a teensy bit like a hypocrite for writing this because I struggle every day but I'm going to write it anyway. This isn't meant to say that I'm super awesome and love myself always and never struggle. It's actually because I struggle that I'm super passionate about issues like this.

The Body Image Issue

I wrote an essay this week on body image and how the media affects this issue and a lot of what drove me to choose that topic is based on my own personal experiences mixed with my anger toward some of the things I've seen in the media lately.

Let's get real, friends. The media does, absolutely does, affect our world! Everywhere we look, we see images of flawless, stick-thin women and toned, athletic men. What are our children going to grow up thinking about themselves if we don't take a stand and teach them of their worth from a young age?
I know it gets hard. I know most of the things parents say are out of love but please promise me or yourself or your children something today. Never ever ever ever EVER comment on your child's body size to them. Never. Because they already get that from the media. They will already struggle with whether they are perfect enough or worthy enough for their dream guy/girl to run with them into the sunset and live happily ever after. I can assure you they will worry about it. What they need from us is to teach them that the media is WRONG. What they need are people to fight against the model-like body type that probably 2% of women can actually attain and celebrate who they are for who they are.

In an article I recently read, it stated that "body dissatisfaction manifests throughout the lifespan with girls as young as nine years of age desiring to lose weight." source NINE YEARS OLD, friends. I was 9 years old in the 3rd grade and actually, I mentioned weeks ago in my Eating Disorder Awareness post that I was dissatisfied with my body at age 6. I distinctly remember it and it wasn't fun...and it still isn't fun.

''For the modern woman, being thin is the ultimate form of perfection, the kind of personal control required to become the new Superwoman parallels the single-mindedness that characterizes the anorectic" source

I’ve witnessed some pretty appalling commercials and advertisements in my adulthood; advertisements for shoes that sexualize women, advertisements for hair products that sexualize women, advertisements for jewelry that sexualize women, etc. In each of these commercials, I have recognized a similar trend of a half-naked woman with a flawless body. I grew up watching these things on television and having this idea in my mind that thin would make me wanted and beautiful and worth something. For teen girls and women, this is a dangerous cycle and for teen boys and men, this is a detrimental view of what women should be. Men are being raised to see images in the media of perfection and not very many women are able to attain that perfection men might desire. For women, this creates a serious eating disorder problem. For men, this creates a serious pornography problem. The life we all want to obtain is demoralized by the things we have become insensitive to on our televisions and through the internet.

One of the key factors in body image is the depression so many adolescents face because of the stigma that being thin is the best thing you can be. This creates a pressure on our youth that many of them will carry well into adulthood. “A young woman between the ages of eighteen and thirty-four years has a 7 percent chance of being as thin as a catwalk model and a 1 percent chance of being as thin as a supermodel. Models and many actresses are abnormally thin, but teenage girls who are not thin may view these images and believe that something is wrong with them.” source How do we change this ideological behavior? When will enough be enough? Most of us would agree that we want our children, our peers, and ourselves to love who we are for what we are but how do we change the world’s stigma of “thin is in”? We can start by advocating for real women in magazines and teaching our children and friends about these distorted images. We can also start by accepting the people around us, no matter their looks. We need to throw away the ideas in our minds about body image and start accepting who we are for what we are. This comes easier for some than it does for others. A lot of women already struggle with eating disorders because of the massive amounts of pressure they get from the media about being thin. We are bombarded daily with commercials, advertisements, billboards, and many other types of media influences that we are having to fight constantly.  

There is one commercial in particular that I've had the unfortunate opportunity to watch and ponder. You all know what Reebok is, right? You know, that shoe company...the shoe company that sells shoes...that shoe company that sells shoes and apparently sex, all in the same commercial! Friends, if you'd like to look up the Miranda Kerr Reebok commercial on your own, feel free. I can almost assure you that you won't be happy with it. And if you find yourself unhappy with it, I'd be really happy to help you stand against this type of thing with me! I have already emailed them, tweeted them, and Facebooked them and since I put links on each of those phrases, feel free to send them your own opinions as well. We need Reebok to know that their shoes can sell without sexualizing women. They are shoes! What in the heck do shoes have to do with sex?!

It's a sad world we live in when advertisers of all types are using sex to sell their products. Hmm, shouldn't your product be good enough as is?

 The effect the media has on body image is scary and sad but we can fight! We can fight against commercials that are distasteful. We can fight against the very thoughts in our heads that tell us we aren't good enough. We can fight for our children and future generations!

Let's not allow the media to define who we should be.

Let's try so so so SO hard to be good enough as is.

We are enough. We have always been enough.