You Just Never Know

If you've been awaiting the end of the 30-day challenge, you can stop waiting now; not because I'm finishing them up but because I'm done with them. I'm ok with getting 20-ish days for the month of January and feeling like that was a success. I didn't anticipate school to take up so much time but I also didn't anticipate life to get harder than last semester.

I thought I was on the downhill slope of healing but apparently, I came to a cliff and I'm going to have to take some time to build a bridge before I can cross and keep going.

It's hard to have a blog where you get to express your feelings but not being able to express every feeling. Does that make sense? There's a fine line between sharing enough to help others and sharing too much. I know I cross that line sometimes but I try not to. I try to help and be honest without being overly sad or descriptive.

Going through a divorce is very lonely. It doesn't matter how many people rally around me, I still get lonely sometimes. There are things only God understands. Nobody has gone through exactly what I'm going through. So it gets lonely and I hate feeling lonely.

I'm doing a lot of growing up. Learning how to live on my own is becoming more of a second nature than it was at first. I'm learning routine and how to take care of the kids for 24 hours a day except for my every other weekend and a weekday night break. It's hard. I often feel this pressure to be better for my kids, to be more for them. I keep thinking they need perfection from me and there's just no way I can live up to that. There are nights we don't do a bedtime routine because I'm so worn out and I always feel so incredibly guilty.

I put these own pressures on myself. I try and control every single little thing in my life that I can because my life feels very out of control. I'm way too hard on myself and have developed a severe case of self doubt and have lost my ability to believe I have a lot of self worth.

I often think of that little girl I used to be and how clueless she was, as we all are, to how her life would turn out. I wish I could warn her so she could get some armor on. It's taken a lot to learn how to prepare myself for trial because you just never know! I've learned that the hard way. You can prepare all you want and expect that certain things in your life are going to be constant but you just never know!

I felt like the hardest part was over but I think it's just beginning.



Why is it so hard to find that natural happiness I can usually find easily?

Lots of questions to ponder on my part.

The thing is, it's going to be ok---I'm going to be ok. This hasn't killed me. It hasn't ruined me forever. I just need to deal with it so eventually, I'm able to move on and be that healthy, happy mom my kids need.

And don't you worry --- I'll get there.

Surviving Trials

Sometimes, it just boggles my mind how many things I've "survived" that I swore I could never survive.
Where is my life? You know, that one I had planned from when I was a little girl?
It's completely non-existent and in it's place is the beautiful {but completely opposite} life I currently live.
There are days where I'm smiling for no apparent reason and I think, "But why?! Why are you smiling? You shouldn't be able to smile right now."
But the truth is, I should be smiling right now. I should've been smiling a year ago. And I also should've been smiling two years ago. Etc. Etc. Etc...
Happiness doesn't come from what my life looks like on the outside; happiness is something that has evolved within my heart and soul. Nobody gets to take it away from me. Ever.

"Happiness is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ." And yes, that is a link.
That quote has always been one of my favorites. In my darkest hours, I can wade through the thick, uninviting fog and find my way to sunshine. It is always there. The sunshine I refer to is a never-changing commitment that Christ made when he suffered for our sins. Not just yours, not just mine---ours. Everyones'. He is the only person who knows "to the T" what I am feeling so who better to turn to?

And let me tell you, this isn't some gimmick where I tell you my life is perfect because I am a Mormon and we're all just happy and perfect and the best homemakers everrr.
That is a sincere lie.
First of all, I'm a crappy homemaker. I know that. I hate cooking. I have to force myself to clean.
Second of all, trust me when I tell you I'm not always happy. It doesn't work that way. Every day, I work hard to achieve my happiness. And some days, it doesn't come. Some days are just crap. Some days I scream into my pillow and then punch it 50 times.
But I don't let days like that determine how I feel about my life as a whole.
That is my point.
I'm not here to tell you that it's bad to be angry or sad or depressed. "Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are." I'm also not here to tell you that happiness is something I'm great at! It's hard work for me right now.
But if you're struggling like I'm struggling or have ever felt lonely, I'm here to change your mind. I'm here to tell you that you're never alone and you can find happiness in any situation. I promise. It's hard and you're still going to be sad sometimes but counteract those days of sadness with days of joy.

This isn't to boast or tell you how super awesome I am but let me tell you a short story.
On a Saturday in August, my husband and I separated. Sunday, I was a mess. I couldn't be anywhere with anyone without breaking down. I knew I couldn't live my life this way so I decided to write down some goals for Monday. I wanted to be there for my kids and show them that I can be ok! The very first goal I wrote down was, "Find someone else to serve today.". I don't tell you that because I'm the best servant of Christ ever. I tell you that because I wholeheartedly believe that is something that has gotten me through some of the lowest times in my life.
There are so many people who have it worse than me and when I break open my little bubble, I find them and then I realize how blessed I am. And even if those people don't have it "worse than me" {because really, who am I to even compare?}, everyone struggles. Everyone has trials that are huge and hard and scary to them. On that particular Monday, I tried to stop thinking about me for a few hours and focus on someone else who was also struggling.
All we did that day was take cookies to a friend but it was helpful to me. It got my mind thinking of others instead of just pitying myself.
I hadn't truly smiled in days but that day, I remember the feelings of gratitude for friendships, for service, and especially for knowledge of my Savior. I go back to that day often because it was only 48 hours after one of the hardest days in my life and I need to remind myself that only 48 hours later, I was still alive and I even smiled.
It's amazing how healing that is to my soul.

It's a Good Day

 Life.
As you've read, if you've been reading lately, life hasn't been easy. And yet, it has. It's difficult to explain.
There are good days and there are days where I have to force myself to recognize the good---but every day has the potential to possess some type of good in it so I choose to find it.

Most of my heartache is for my children. None of these decisions are fair to them. It isn't fair that they have to take turns with mom or dad. It isn't fair that they don't get bedtime kisses from both of us. I was so angry in the beginning because of the unfairness that this new life will put on my kids.

They are strong and brave but they are still just kids. They didn't make a single one of these choices but they have to live their entire lives being reminded of them. Everyone tells me they'll be fine. Quite honestly, I firmly believe they will be fine. But in the meantime, I can't take away every ounce of pain that they feel or will feel or have felt. This is a learning experience for all of us and it will take time to get used to. And I know there will be times when we think we have learned but we have to re-learn all over again.

I have to give myself daily goals because sometimes, my brain cannot focus on any more than that. One of my daily goals is to find a way to have a good day. It seems simple but sometimes it's extremely hard. I'm a naturally positive person and it has been hard to find happy things to focus on. I struggle every day.

When we went to Time Out for Women last month {you're going to have to scroll down on the blog because I'm too lazy to find the link and post it}, my mom gave us all an early Christmas present. It was the newest Hilary Weeks cd. At first, I wasn't sure. You see, I am a bit obsessed with the last Hilary Weeks cd my mom gave me because of the Beautiful Heartbreak song. It has been a favorite. That song helped me through infertility and many things going on in my marriage. It was a song I listened to daily for a while.
I wasn't sure it would be possible to find another song like that for our current situation.
But Hilary did it{Did you know we're on a first name basis these days?}. She just went ahead and wrote another song that happened to be just what I need right now.
Not only was it what I need, it is what my kids need. And they request it every morning on our drive to take Petey to school.
Sometimes, when I'm having a hard time recognizing the good in my day, the lyrics to the song will pop into my head and remind me that "I'm alive and I'm breathing---so it's a good day!".
If I could speak to Hilary Weeks, there are so many things I'd tell her about how her music has changed my life. On that same note, I wouldn't even have either cd if it wasn't for my mother who loves and supports me so dearly.

I am seriously so blessed.

I know God gives me challenges for a reason.
I also know He makes sure I am surrounded with the people, places, things, AND music I need when I'm going through challenging times.

I'm just going to let my kids go ahead and introduce you to our new favorite song. I have a hard time not crying when I watch this video because I look at my children and their positive, brave attitudes and I am so thankful that they are so strong. We'll get through this ---that I do not doubt.

Becoming a Friend Like my Friends

Yesterday, in our women's meeting at church, my friend gave a lesson that has been on my mind for days, week, and these past few months. Her proposition when she started the lesson: Be thinking of things you've done for others or things others have done for you.

The very first sentence that came to my mind was this: Which of the 3,000 stories should I pick from?

This is the truth, friends. I have thousands of stories. 2,999 of them are stories of what people have done for me.

Since I was holding her sleeping baby who then woke up and started to fuss {ie: screamed because I wouldn't let him run to his momma}, I didn't ever get a chance to raise my hand and contribute the beautiful blessings that replay in my mind daily.

These are all personal stories of how others have helped me so I promise, they are true.

 

Let's start with the main feature on this post: my new family pictures.

 I was elated when my friend decided to squeeze me in to her busy holiday schedule. I wanted updates of my kid and it was equally incredible just to be able to spend time with someone I love so much. She captured what I wanted perfectly and even added a couple of pictures of me in there---not so much what I wanted but something I think I've been needing. :)

 Of course, the very first thing I did when I saw this picture was start to tear myself down. Why do I do that?! But it only took a minute to understand how priceless of a picture this is.
There is so much love here. I'm forever grateful to have these and I'm having a hard time being patient for the rest of the pictures.

#2: The day everything in my life seemed to fall apart. I couldn't face my kids yet and let them see me broken so I drove to my best friend's house. She happened to be pulling out of the driveway and when she saw me, she got out and I noticed she was in a dress. It was a Saturday night so I assumed I had just interrupted date night---I had---but that was ok with her. She was on her way to the temple and I tagged along. I was a 7th wheel on their three-couple date. Seriously, you'd think it would be extremely awkward. It wasn't. They all knew I needed that time. They all knew I needed them. Their husbands seemed to take a step back and let my friends rally around me. I knew they were worried. I felt their love. Somehow, it ended up being an incredible night, not 'the night I ruined their date'. In the end, they paid for my dinner and her husband gave me a Priesthood blessing when we got back. What should always be indented in my brain as a horrible, horrible day will now end with a good memory whenever I think about it.

 #3: Days after that horrible-no-good-day, a friend insisted on coming over to clean my house. Seriously. I was embarrassed and tried to tell her no but she gave me a date and time and she just showed up. Not only did she deep clean my whole house, she wanted me to be able to get out of the house so she organized a group of friends to go with us to Yogurtland that night and she even found me a babysitter.

#4: Same friend, for my birthday, convinced other friends to take me out to lunch. She also convinced these friends to somehow unlock my back door without me noticing when we left. She then cleaned my whole house, top to bottom, and I came home to balloons, a present, and a clean house. It was just what I needed.

#4: How are we only on #4? I feel like I just described what are worth thousands of good deeds. Seriously, these are big, people! Friend finds out about hard things in my life. Next thing I know, it's 11pm and she is on my doorstep with chocolate ice cream and a listening ear.

#5: I text a friend who's gone through similar trials and tell her I just need to talk because I'm having a hard night. I ask if she would be willing to come over at 9am the next morning. It's 10:30pm and the whole thing is a complete scam because I'm texting her this to try and get her to my house at 9am the next morning for her surprise baby shower. I figure it's late enough that her 39-week-pregnant self will not come over and the next thing I know, she texts me saying she is in the driveway. Of course, I had to lie and say we weren't home because I didn't actually need her but it got me all emotional, thinking what she was willing to do for me no matter the time. She chose to give up her last Saturday morning as a mom of 2 with her family to spend the time talking about my problems---even though in the end, we were all in the surprise and she wasn't coming over to help me. :) If you're wondering, the surprise party worked out---barely. Next time, I'll have to come up with a better excuse.

#6, 7, 8, etc: Obviously the same friend as mentioned above has been an incredible listening ear on many other occasions. She comes over, she lets me come over, we meet at the park, etc. It doesn't seem to matter. If I need her, she is somehow always there.

I have tons more stories. I always will. And because my friends are so inspiring to me, I hope to be able to create those same blessings in someone else's life. It is why I've tried to stop judging. It is why I've made it a point to listen to the Spirit when I'm told I need to do something. If you're wondering, I'm not perfect. Just the other day, I hurt someone's feelings by speaking before thinking it through. I make mistakes often. But I want to be the kind of friend my friends are to me so when I make mistakes, I pick myself back up and try again the next day.

If you're in need of a listening ear, contact me. I've got two perfectly good ones and sometimes they even give out decent bits of advice. Just remember how important you are and how much worth you have and remind your friends of their own worth and potential.

How incredible would this world be if we all understood our worth and could see ourselves with the potential God sees in us?

Time Out for Women 2013

 It's been a long time. I had forgotten what I'm missing out on.

As an 8 year old girl, I chose to be baptized and have the opportunity to have the Holy Ghost with me at all times.  Ever since that special day in my life, I've known that I had the power to keep the Spirit close to me. There have been times where I've kept it and could feel the Holy Ghost near me and other times where it seemed almost non-existent because of my stubborn will. But I always knew it was a part of me.

It really has been a while. I have received answers to prayers and felt peace in my life but it has been a while since I have felt the physical touch of angels surrounding me. There is no other way to explain it. It was real. It was powerful.

At Time Out for Women this weekend, I had overwhelming feelings of joy and sadness...yes, at the same time sometimes. It's confusing to be going through a hard time but also realizing how incredibly blessed your life is. Last night, my tears turned into sobs as I listened to Hilary Weeks sing "Beautiful Heartbreak"; one of my absolute favorite songs. I needed my mom and she was right there for me. I felt like a child again, laying my head on her shoulder and crying, and it felt so safe. I'm so lucky she's there for me.

Some of my favorite quotes from the weekend {most of them aren't word for word, just my fast note taking}:

Brad Wilcox:
Growth is optional which is why the atonement is a gift, not forced upon us.
Change is difficult.
We have to stop relying on willpower and rely on His power.
God requires eventual perfection, not immediate perfection.

Sheri Dew:
God will heal us of our weaknesses if we plead with Him.
The Lord will not force us to learn.

Mary Ellen Edmunds:
If we let something stay in our hearts, good or bad, it will grow.

S. Michael Wilcox:
Unless you pour out the grief and bitterness {in prayer}, God cannot pour back in the things that you need.
Never take counsel from your fears.
When I knock, they will open immediately if they know My voice.

Richie Norton:
Sometimes bad things happen so we can become more authentic.
Know yourself by knowing Him.

Laurel Christensen Day:
Fear of failure will plague us.
Be careful that you're not afraid of your own success.
If I want to change, I need to believe in myself.
Fight fear with love.
Don't stop petitioning the Lord for the righteous desires of your heart.
Peace is not always the thing you feel before you face your fears but it comes right after.

Can you tell I loved the speakers? Did any of those quotes speak to you in some way? Those were definitely ones that had stuck out to me last night and today. I have a few thoughts I wanted to add.

I often fear the outcomes in my life before anything happens. I fear the worst because naturally, the worst is just going to happen, right? I'm paranoid about bad things happening because I feel like I've been tested so much these past 3 years. Some days, I have a "Why not me" attitude but other days, I just can't help but feel sorry for myself and wish I had made better choices or tried harder or been better in some way. I could have fixed everything that's happened right? I could've fixed the infertility and the marriage hardships, right? It's my fault, right?
Wrong.
Plain and simple, that is so sincerely wrong.
Every day, I learn something new. Some of the best lessons I've learned recently have been in regards to my faith AND my suffering. I used to think there just must be something wrong with me because God was testing me too much. Did it mean I was oh so very weak and that he needed me to 'buck up'? Or maybe it meant that the good things I was doing in life weren't good enough to earn the title of "righteous". Some days, I listen intently to my Heavenly Father but other days, his words seem almost mixed with Satans and it's a hard job to figure out who is talking and whether I should believe their words.

An important lesson I've learned is that God does not make us feel worried or fearful or worthless. If I'm having those thoughts, I try so hard to recognize that they are from Satan so I can replace them with truth.
The truth is, I'm awesome. Ok, just kidding, but really... ;)
We all are. I'm brave and I'm strong and I know I am important to my Heavenly Father. I know He trusts me, sometimes too much, and I know He is aware of my needs. He creates miracles out of the trials in my life. Some are easy to see, others seem to take days, months, or years to recognize; but He is there.

Time Out for Women this year was my favorite so far because I've been feeling like I was done; like maybe God had made a mistake and accidentally given me too much to handle this time.
Truth? He doesn't make mistakes.
I'm constantly learning and growing and being stretched beyond what I believed to be my capacity. But here I am, alive and actually feeling joyful most of the time. That in and of itself is a true miracle.

The tradition of Time Out for Women is something I'll always be grateful for [Thanks, Karin]. To be surrounded by my sisters and mother for a weekend is something I need every year. I'm so blessed.

The very first video they showed yesterday was almost my exact story but with different people involved; or so it seemed from my view. I know God knew what I needed to hear this weekend.

 How I love these awesome friends of mine. I didn't think I could have more respect and love for them but after this weekend, I sincerely do. Everyone has trials. Everyone has heartache. It's real for everyone and comparing doesn't make your problem any less or more than you currently believe it is. It is what you personally feel, not what someone else thinks or feels.

The hardest part about this weekend was missing my kids. I'm not really the type of mom who loves a weekend away from her kids. Maybe that's because I feel I've been getting too many weekends away from my kids; the biggest downfall that comes with sharing them.

 But tonight was real and the Spirit in our home was strong. It stayed with me from Time Out for Women and it carried through our bedtime prayers and stories. It was the first time in weeks that I had specifically and individually prayed for my children and their needs during this difficult time. I often pray for me and think that will keep them going and that is partly true but this is a family trial. No one is exempt and I don't like knowing that! Why should my kids have to go through hard times? It just isn't fair.

But I know through the power of love from me and their Father in Heaven, they can become whole again and live successful, loving, happy lives. It isn't impossible. It is actually quite possible.

So tonight, I layed down with each child for a few minutes, something that proves difficult when you put them to bed at the same time and it's just you doing so. But I knew it needed to be done and I was determined to remind them of their worth and potential tonight. After saying prayers with Petey, she looked up and me and said, "Mommy, that was the best prayer I have ever heard in my life." And as I cried and held her while she drifted off to dreamland, I was so grateful for the Spirit and the opportunity we have to feel it in our own home.

We are so blessed.
I am so blessed.