My Perfect Life

 Summer is an incredibly disgusting and beautiful time.

I hate the heat. I can hardly stand it most days. I always feel sweaty and dirty. I can't allow the kids outside as much. It's just annoying and gross.
But then there's the element of fun. School is out. The kids are home with me and we spend a lot more time together. We take vacations and learn new things and fill our nights with sleepovers and late bedtimes.

The way I feel about summer is the way I feel about life.

It's hard and stupid and amazing, sometimes all at the same time.
I can go from irrational fear to giggling in minutes. {This does not make me crazy...or maybe it does.}

Sometimes the days are extremely, painfully long while other times, they seem to pass by too quickly.

 I think that's why I've always loved Glennon from Momastery's description of life as my "messy beautiful".

Because it is both.

The sun can be shining and the birds can be singing but sometimes, everything around me feels so dark.

There are afternoons where a storm will sweep in and instead of allowing the clouds to hover over me and dim the light, I go out and dance in the rain.

 It's been amazing to be able to mix the things I'm learning in school with my every day life.

Because I used to feel so ashamed when I would have meltdowns. I used to think adults didn't do that. I used to think hard days made me weaker.

They don't.

The ability to talk about the hard stuff and allow my emotions to go to those dark places sometimes is actually a strength.
I don't often stay in the dark but it's ok to visit. In fact, visiting the dark places helps me to brighten the light places.
And if I do end up staying there for a while, that's ok too. It's ok to feel weighed down by life. Life is hard. It's ok to feel anger and sadness and fear. All of those things are valid.

 I just try and make sure that whatever emotions I'm feeling, I allow them to stay for however long it feels productive. Once those emotions become unproductive and even destructive, then I reach out to others to help me reset.

 The beauty of life is that we CAN reset. We don't have to be stuck. We have the opportunity to change if we really want to.

Among the sadness that I feel, I also feel so much joy. I feel so grateful to be alive, to be living out many of my dreams right now.

On my hard days, I try to remember the good stuff too. I try to remember that even though there seems to be a lot of bad, there is even more good.

Life won't ever be perfect, although that'd be super nice. It won't always be rainbows and sunshine and butterflies. But maybe that wouldn't be "the perfect life".

Maybe life is perfect. Because life is doing exactly what it was intended to do. Life is teaching me and pushing me to grow and allowing me the ability to feel compassion for others. Life is giving me hard days and easy days, happy memories and messy ones, and even though it doesn't always feel perfect---maybe it is. Maybe this is a perfect life.

 I guess until now, I've never really thought of it that way.

When I look back on the events in my life, the hardest ones have taught me the most. I hate saying that because my goodness, I do NOT want hard things to come my way, but I can recognize the growth within myself.

I can look back on the little girl that I was and how much love and compassion I had for other people. I know I talk about how hard I was as a kid but the truth is, I was an amazing little girl. And I'm not being sarcastic. I was often worried about other people and trying to help others. But I didn't have the knowledge or patience that I have now. I wasn't mature enough to hold my tongue when angry words were ready to spill over.

And although I'm not perfect at it now, I try really hard to be the type of person that loves others, even those who hurt my heart.

My kids and I got to have a short conversation about this today. As we were leaving church, I saw a lady whom I truly admire and I called out to her and told her she was gorgeous. As soon as we got in the car, my little girl asked why I had said that and I told her it was because this lady is one of my heroes. She may not know that I look up to her but I do. Princess asked why I like her so much and I said, "Because she is so kind to everyone around her and that is the type of person I want to be."

And it's the truth. I want to be kind and loving, patient and slow to anger. I want to see others how Heavenly Father sees them.

And maybe it sounds easy on paper but it isn't. I still find myself getting frustrated when I'm feeling misunderstood by someone. It isn't easy to hold my tongue when others are saying hurtful things.

But it's a process. In this perfectly messy life that I live, I am slowly becoming the person that I want to be.

Fearfully, Faithfully, Beautifully

Once upon a time, there was a scared young woman who didn't like not knowing the future. She knew that the future could bring happiness but it was also full of uncertainty.

She was afraid to look in the mirror because she didn't know if she liked the person staring back at her.
She was afraid to be alone because the horrible stories in the news made her feel vulnerable to the world.
She was afraid to date because she knew what rejection felt like and it didn't feel good.
She was afraid to be herself because what if people didn't accept the real her?

Amidst her fears, friends would randomly say things like, "You are such a strong woman.", "My husband and I were talking about how any man would be lucky to have you as their wife.", "Thank you for helping me through that." and she wondered..."Do they see who I really am? Do they notice my flaws?"

The answer is yes, they do.

And they loved her anyway.

Because somewhere among the loudness and the lack of a filter and the short temper, they saw who she really was. They saw the good.

It was because of them that she continued to fight. It was because of what they saw in her that she began to notice some of the goodness too. She began to realize she isn't worthless or stupid or ugly.

She is loveable and funny and compassionate.

She couldn't have done this by herself. Even brave people need help. Two years of therapy, anti-anxiety medication, prayer, and love have helped her to be as brave as she could be. I don't believe God gave her this life because she was strong enough to live it. I believe He gave her this life because He knew He would help her live it. She isn't stronger than the average person. She is stronger than the girl she used to be.

And it's ok to not do it alone. It's ok to rely on professional help or need medication or some homeopathic remedy or friends and family. It's ok. It doesn't mean we aren't strong. Asking for help is a sign of strength. It takes bravery to know you cannot do this alone.

Some days, she wakes up and just feels so much compassion for herself and other days, she has to rely on the things people tell her. She has a list of compliments people have given her this past year to read on the days she has lost all faith in herself.

Today she is ready to fly.
Today she doesn't fear the future.
Today she trusts God's plan and knows that whatever happens, she is a fighter.
Also, she sees beauty today. In herself. In the world. In her future.

Breathing, Living, Learning, Growing

I am a huge fan of music. Music helps me cope with a lot of things in my life, especially this past year.
Lately, I've been going back to the same two songs most days.

Colbie Callait's 'Try': I have been listening to this on repeat as I sit in the carpool pick up lane at my daughter's school and start to feel anxious because that 20 minutes in the carpool lane is often my only quiet time to think about life. I turn it on when I look in the mirror and realize I was brave enough to fight my eating disorder and get myself in recovery months ago and now I'm here---and it seems like just yesterday I was there. And then I start to worry because am I good enough? Am I pretty enough? Am I smart enough? Am I a good mother? Am I worthy of someone marrying me and taking on the responsibility of my children? Will I be wonderful enough that a man would choose to do that when he could marry someone who doesn't have kids and an ex husband?

These are real thoughts and they run through my head a lot. A lot.

"You don't have to try so hard. You don't have to give it all away. You just have to get up. You don't have to change a single thing."

I feel so unworthy of dating. I feel so unworthy of love. But Colbie helps me remember how hard I'm trying and how I don't have to do that. The right guy and the right friends will love me not for how hard I try but for who I am---for who I am right this very moment.

Christina Perri's I Believe is also at the top of the list. Everytime I hear the last line of the chorus, I can feel in my heart the exact words being sung.

"I have died so many times but I am still alive."

Because I have died. I have felt loss and abandonment and insecurity times a thousand this year.

But I am still alive. I am still fighting. I am still moving on with my life.

I'm trying to be the mom my kids need and the provider they need and still be me and do things for myself.

If you're wondering how well that's working for me, refer to my mention of anxiety above...

But this is life and I'm fighting through it. I'm still breathing. I'm still waking up every morning.

These past few weeks have had a lot of hard moments intertwined with the normal busy chaos. I was planning a trip to Las Vegas with some friends and in that same week, Spidey started having meltdowns that I was leaving him so much.

I tried to spend quality time with both kids before leaving but as I drove away that night, I felt so much guilt. Because although I knew I needed some time to myself, I felt like the worst mother for walking away at the worst possible time.

I was having an incredible time. The days were some of the best I've had in a long time. But each time Spidey would call and cry, I would feel so torn between relaxing and just getting back to him and holding him.

Each day, I was laughing and relaxing and having some of the best conversations with some of my favorite people and each night, I prayed so hard that Spidey would feel comfort and that he could just enjoy his time with his dad.

Just leaving on this trip was brave for me. I have never been on a girls trip that didn't involve family members. I knew that when we started planning this, it would be tricky. Because although I have a few friends I tell everything to, I have so very many friends who mean so much to me and I've never been a fan of "clicks".

But it ended up being totally fine and I'm grateful for that because I worried about it. And I'm not the only one who worried about it.

These girls have been through a lot with me. Three of them spent the evening at the temple with me the night my husband left me. The other two have been equally incredible this year. I know this trip wasn't just planned by me and it definitely wasn't for me alone but it certainly was a perfect way to remember where I was a year ago and look at where I am today.

These friends were some of the first to know what was happening as my separation turned into divorce and they have checked in on me, even when I just wanted to stay in bed all day and cry.

Visiting the Las Vegas temple was high on my list and I'm so glad we fit it into our weekend because it was one of the highlights. I had the opportunity to really feel peace and relax and I stopped worrying about the kids for a while and think about what I needed in those moments.

Did I mention I was brave enough to wear my Porn Kills Love tshirt as we walked down the strip of Las Vegas?

The second we decided to go to Vegas, I knew I wanted to wear this shirt because this subject is something I believe so strongly in.

This is something I will never back down from. Ever.

As fearful and intimidated as I get around people, I just cannot take a back seat when the subject of pornography is brought up.

This week, in my Philosophy of Sexuality class, we watched an amazing video by the XXX Church about how porn kills. It was powerful and yet, I already knew what most of my class would think about it. As the video started, so did the snickers. The girl in front of me kept whispering to her neighbor, "That's so dumb. Porn kills what?!" and I wanted to shout, "PORN KILLS LOVE! IT KILLS MARRIAGES AND FAMILIES AND CAREERS!"

I could feel my heart beating all the way from my forehead to the tips of my toes. I felt like the video was going on forever and I wanted it to end because I knew what would happen next.

When it finally ended three hours eight minutes later, my teacher asked what our thoughts were and without another second, my hand shot up in the air. I took a deep breath and said something very similiar to this:

I know that my opinion won't be very popular among this class. I could hear the snickering and the confusion of what porn kills. I could see the eye rolls and the shaking heads. And I get it. Before last year, I didn't quite understand what pornography was capable of either. But my marriage was ruined because of pornography. My husband left me last year and my kids have had to endure our divorce and all of the pain that comes with their feelings of abandonment. Porn kills love and even if you think that statement is dramatic, I am living proof that it can be a true statement.

Pornography addiction has caused enough trauma in my life that I no longer am willing to sit in a room and not share my opinion if the subject is brought up. I knew I would not have an audience of people who understood what I have lived through but I will never regret that opportunity I had to share a part of my story with a room full of young college students.

I used to view pornography as bad mainly because of my religious beliefs but I never really knew what an addiction to pornography is capable of doing to an individual, to a marriage, and to a family.

There were some hard moments, walking around Vegas and seeing pornography and a lot of other things that made my heart so sad. This really is the world we live in.

I guess if I could just have one wish come true from all of the things I've learned it would be that each and every one of you who decides to click on my posts and read my words will do whatever you can to protect your families from pornography. And also that you'll love the people around you and have compassion. We can't understand everyone's situation but we can make a goal to try and remember that everyone has a story and everyone has trials. Try not to be hard on the people around you.


I am still alive tonight, friends. Although I've been so broken for so long, I see healing and the possibilities that come with moving on. When I look back on everything I've done this past year, I am hopeful that this next year will be full of even more growth.

God stretches me and teaches me and I am trying my hardest to learn what He wants me to learn.

Will you fight with me?

Life lessons before, during, and after trials can be really hard. Often while learning these lessons, I go through periods of isolation, regret, anxiety, and depression. I question myself over and over and over again. I choose things I know aren't right and I feel like I'm drowning.

When this happens, I often wonder how I'm ever going to be the same. I ache for the old Suzanne and the bubble she lived in. I wonder if my heart will ever love the way it did.

And I've learned that I'm never the same after these lessons. My bubble is broken. My heart will never love the way that it used to.

Because I've grown so much from my life lessons.

I've learned that my bubble of "safety" isn't reality. I've learned that reality can be beautiful. And I love deeper than ever before. I love unconditionally. I don't judge the way I used to. I see worth in the people I meet.

Life lessons are hard---beautifully hard.

This has been a rollercoaster of learning. I have felt lower than ever before. I have felt higher than ever before. I have felt abandoned and I have abandoned others. I have ruined relationships and fixed relationships.

I've mentioned "things getting real" a few months ago. I've mentioned the pain and the questions.
A few months ago, I was in a bad place. Not only was I questioning my worth and struggling to even stay afloat, I had lost my faith. It was scary, questioning something I've never really questioned before. I didn't want to go back to church. I felt alone. I felt abandoned by God. I couldn't feel Him the way I usually feel Him and I was afraid.

I had a rally of support as I went into survival mode for a while. Friends were calling and visiting and sending messages of hope every day. When talking to one of these friends on the phone and telling her my faith struggles, she told me, "Suzanne, hold on to what you know." and immediately, my memory triggered a conversation where I had been helping someone during their own faith crisis months ago. I was bearing my testimony to them and explaining that sometimes survival mode makes it hard to physically feel the Spirit. Because our bodies are working overtime to just stay afloat, it is possible to not feel God even when He has His arms wrapped around us. But once we are out of survival mode, it can be easy to look back and point out all of the times He was right by our side.

I have learned that and wholeheartedly believe it. My faith crisis, although very short lived, brought me to a better understanding of how much my Heavenly Father loves me. He sent others to get through to me when I could not feel Him on my own. He made sure that even though I questioned Him, I was taken care of. He didn't get offended and abandon me. He loved me unconditionally.

Life can be so scary. I have felt afraid of the future more in the last 9 months than ever before. I didn't believe I was worthy of love. But I have trudged forward, knowing that faith in myself is possible. I've had it before and I could have it again.

This week is the first time I have felt it in a long time. I have felt worthy of love. I have been able to analyze who I am and believe the good instead of focusing on my weaknesses. I have been ready to make changes I wasn't ready to make before.

My drowning has turned into choppy butterfly strokes---they aren't perfect but today I am not drowning.

I have been hoping for the day that I could feel strong enough to fight for myself and my children and my beliefs. I have been hoping for the day that I could stand on my own two feet and declare without a doubt that I am going to do everything I can to stand against the harmful things so present in our world today.
I can no longer fight for my marriage but I sure as heck plan on fighting pornography and body image portrayals because those things are NOT reality---and I'm all about doses of reality these days.

Spunky Suzanne is back and I've missed her. I've been lacking the confidence that it takes for me to fight and believe in my ability to make a difference. I've always been a "world changer" at heart but I've never had the confidence and the ability to actually be a world changer but since growing up---because I am such a grown up these days--- I have learned that changing the world hardly ever starts with something big and drastic. It starts within your heart.

Our world is full of so much evil right now and it is going to take an army to fight against the evils that are constantly parading around as fun or exciting or healthy. These are lies. Evil always lies. We need to stand together and fight the newest drug that is such an issue in our society---the drug that is affecting children at an average age of 11.

Will you fight with me?

 

2014: Day 18

Day 18: My favorite birthday.

This post will also be short because I feel like I just posted about this! Oh yeah, two months ago I did.

Who would've thought that this past year, the number 26 would be celebrated with the most selfless, caring friends of mine?

I feel like it was better than a surprise party. It was a day filled with little surprises and wonderful friends.

Some friends took me out to lunch and secretly unlocked my back door before we left so another friend could come clean my entire house.

It was big. It may not sound big but it was big.

The incredible amount of love I felt on my birthday this past year was an indescribable feeling. It should've been my worst birthday. In fact, I was gearing up for it to be my worst birthday. I was alone so naturally, I expected to feel alone on my birthday.

But that day and so many others these past 5 months, I've felt anything but alone.

26 was my favorite birthday because of the people who love me. I hope I'm making a difference in someone's life like they constantly are in mine.

2014: Day 7

 Today is all about my friends.

And since I feel so blessed that I have a lot of friends, I did have to narrow it down to 5 friends who have taught me a lot.

I remember years ago, after first getting married, when I wondered if I would ever fit in anywhere. I was really young and all of my friends were single. Then we moved into our current house and all of the people who had children my childrens' same ages were at least 5 years older than me. It took a while to learn that friendships can be found anywhere and age or children's ages aren't always a deciding factor in who you are friends with.

So here they are---the 5 women {who aren't in my family} who have taught me the most:

Emily:

My favorite things about Emily:
Emily is honest. The advice she gives me is honest with a capital H.
She seems to have my 'faith over fear' motto down. She is confident and happy.
She is friendly to everyone and won't exclude others.

What I've learned from Emily:
So...how long do we have? Ok, I'm kidding but only a little bit. Emily has taught me so much, especially these past 5 months. I've learned that I need to be confident in myself and not rely on what anyone else thinks of me. She's taught me to put a smile on my face and remember that bad things happen for a reason and usually, good things come because of it. Emily's strength is ridiculously amazing to me. She is someone I want to grow up to be just like. :)

Lacey:

My favorite things about Lacey:
Her sarcasm that matches up with mine perfectly.
Her ability to make everyone feel included.
Her openness of her testimony.

What I've learned from Lacey:
Lacey has taught me so much about serving others. She is always doing something for someone else. I can feel that she cares about me even though sometimes I probably annoy her. :) She watches my kids often, wanting nothing in return {They are actually at her house right now}. Lacey is the epitome of a true Christian to me.

Cassie:

 My favorite things about Cassie:
She is real. Like down to earth, tell you what she's thinking real.
She is really funny.
She lets me pretend her baby is also mine. Kind of. Not in a creepy way. He's just soooo adorable!

What I've learned from Cassie:
Cassie has taught me how to have a positive attitude in any situation.
She is brave and has taught me how to take risks and have faith.
Patience. Cassie is one of the most patient moms I've ever met. I don't know if I've ever heard her yell.

Heather:

 My favorite things about Heather:
Her ability to do hair and how all of her children are so adorable!
Her honesty---sometimes brutal honesty.
How motivated she is in life.

What I've learned from Heather:
I've learned how to accept others as they are. This may not be something she thinks she's taught me but Heather and I weren't always super close. Actually, because of Heather's blunt honesty, I used to be intimidated by her. Now that makes me laugh because we are such good friends but it was once true. Heather really taught me a lot about trusting others because once I trusted her, I knew she was an amazing friend.
It also amazes me how motivated she is to do things in life. I have learned a lot about being brave and putting myself out there because of Heather.

Leyla:

 My favorite things about Leyla:
How loving she is to everyone
Her attitude and strength
Her ability to create amazing pictures

What Leyla has taught me:
Leyla and I go way back---ok, four years back. There was a time in our lives where we weren't friends---more the opposite. Without Leyla's decision to put herself out there and come talk to me, we still wouldn't be friends. I owe our friendship to her and her amazing strength. I wasn't a great friend and she taught me how to love more and worry less. She taught me bravery and how to be kind. The funny thing is, when we talk, she'd explain things the opposite. But for me, I know it is because of her amazing ability to love others that we are now close again.
Leyla has also taught me how to have fun and not worry what other people think. She is the type of person that would give you the shirt off her back if she thought you needed it. She is extremely selfless.

Stacey:

My favorite things about Stacey:
Her ability to ask for help when she needs it
Her devotion to her family
Her positive attitude and kind-hearted personality

What I've learned from Stacey:
Going back to the first thing I said about her, I've always loved that if Stacey needs my help, she will ask. If she needs help with kids, she asks. If she needs me to run to the store, she asks. And if I can't do it, I never feel worried telling her that. She just simply asks and if I can help, I do. I wish more of us were able to speak up when we need help, even with little things.
Stacey is such a kind-hearted person. She has taught me to speak kinder to others. She has taught me to have faith in any situation. She has taught me to love more and act on things when I get the feeling I need to do something for someone else. She smiles a lot, even though her life isn't perfect. She just seems so grateful for everything she has and it makes me want to be more grateful for everything I have.

My friends are amazing. They are in my life for specific reasons and I can see that. God knows what He is doing. And He has surrounded me with people who build me up.

2013 Review Extravaganza: The Last 6 Months

Well, I crapped out on last week's review extravaganza because it was an extremely hard week for me {more on that in another post} so I decided to make this week's review of the last 6 months. Is that even allowed? Apparently it is since I'm doing it.

July:

July was one of the easiest months this year. Ironically, I wouldn't name it our best month but I sure as heck had no idea what would become of the months after.

I wrote one of my favorite blog posts of the year on self worth and how my perspective had started to change.

 Petey was working so hard in dance and was becoming quite flexible, especially for a little girl who was not born with a flexible bone in her body.

My business was in it's starting stages.

 We were even crazy enough to paint Petey's room "Pepto Bismol Pink" to match her beloved Hello Kitty bedding. She still loves it just as much as she did the day we started.

August:

 My princess had her first day of Kindergarten and looking at the above picture still tugs at my heart strings.

 Petey's flexibility improved even more in August when she mastered her "tummy roll" she had been learning in acro/tumbling class. That girl is determined. If she sets her mind on something, she will do it.

Unfortunately, I didn't blog the entire rest of August. I couldn't bring myself to lie and say that everything was fine but it wasn't yet appropriate to talk about our separation and possible divorce. August was an extremely lonely month for me. I was surrounded by some of the most incredible people but there were so many hardships I was beginning to face.

September:

 I took my boy camping while his sister had her first overnight with her dad. It was an extremely, wonderfullly hard weekend without her but I'm learning how to deal with them being gone more often. Kind of. It's still really hard. Maybe next year I'll get used to it?

I wrote another one of my favorite posts of the year about attaining happiness amidst trials. Going back and reading that was extremely powerful. The timeline of that post was about a month after my husband and I separated. It was also around the time that I knew where that separation was leading us. I find happiness in knowing I am a child of God. No matter my trials, I know I have a divine purpose.

Another post that stuck out to me in September was my feelings through music. I don't think I realized back then that anger was starting to settle in. I see it now and understand it is a normal part of the grief process.

October:

 In October, my baby turned 4. I still can hardly believe he isn't a baby anymore. Four is just way too old. :)

I wrote about the story of Suzanne.

 And we celebrated Halloween by taking my friends FOUR children for 3 days. That was an adventure I'll never forget. :)

November:

 Petey had her first dance team performance at the Arizona State Fair. Even though she looks way too old with all that make up, she was a rockstar and did absolutely amazing.

 My friends and I did the ROC (Ridiculous Obstacle Course) Race. Oh my goodness, was it fun! I am so lucky to have the best friends ever who make life so very interesting. :)

One of my favorite posts in November was this one on judging others. "Good choices don't always equal good consequences right away. Sometimes it takes a little bit of pain before we get to feel the good."

I blogged about our annual tradition of attending Time Out for Women with my sisters and mom.

I talked about how I'm freaking awesome.

I talked about how amazing my friends are.

I even mentioned One Direction in a roundabout way.

November ended with a post on why I'm thankful for my life.

Wow, apparently I had a lot of blogging on my mind in November. :)

November was also the month my amazing friend took some pictures of my kids and I. They are absolutely gorgeous and I will forever be grateful to her for these pictures.

December:

December started with a post about believing in myself. Oh wait, did I not mention I also started school in August? Literally the same week of our separation? And did I not mention I finished all 4 of my classes with good grades and am ready to rock another semester in January? Oh I didn't? Well, I can't believe I skipped over that. Starting school was a big deal for me. I have a long ways to go but I'll get there.

In December, you'll find another good post on surviving trials. This isn't something I've done---it's something I'm currently doing.

You will also find one of my "most read" blog posts on the loss of tradition. It was hard to wrap my mind around not having my kids on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning but I'm here to tell you that we survived and it was a really great Christmas.

If there's anything I've learned this year, it is to have faith. Faith was actually my "word" for the year and it couldn't be more fitting. I know God has a divine purpose for me. I know I am His daughter. I also know He doesn't keep us from feeling heartache and pain. We have free agency and we get to choose whether we are going to be happy or angry or sad with our lives. My goal is to choose happiness.

Thanks for another great year, Emmy Mom. I love recapping with you year after year. :)

Thanksfuls 2013

 I'm thankful for my Lil Man. Spidey is the best son in the world. I'm thankful for his smiles and the thousands of times he cuddles with me. I'm thankful for the {patience} he teaches me. I'm thankful that he has red hair because it is freaking adorable. I love this wonderful 'man of the house' we get to have.

 I'm thankful for my princess. Petey is such a vibrant, smart little girl. I'm thankful for the lessons she teaches me. I'm thankful for her kind heart and her example to me. She is constantly teaching me how to love others more. She isn't 100% selfless but she is more selfless than any other 5 year old I've ever met. I am so glad this special, sweet, blue-eyed princess is mine forever.

 I'm thankful that my kids have a good dad. I'm thankful to know that they love and look up to him so much. He is a wonderful dad and I don't regret bringing those two perfect babies into this world with him. He has taught me a lot these past 7 years and through the sadness I now face, I still don't doubt that he is a good father to those precious kiddos.

 I am thankful for each and every one of the people in the above picture. My family is wonderful. My sisters and brother are wonderful. My parents are extremely supportive and are always willing to do whatever I need. They give me so much love and have raised me to be the person I am today.

For this last one, I had to put a silly picture up to keep my crying to a minimum. I'm extremely thankful for this girl. She is the best friend I could've asked for during this time in my life and I plan on being her friend forever and ever. She watches my kids ridiculously often, she is always there when I need to talk, and she tells me to truth. Sometimes I don't like to hear it but I always know she's right---did you catch that, Lacey? That's the only time I'm going to admit it.
Heavenly Father placed Lacey in my life for a reason. I don't know if she realizes the importance of her being where she is today. They moved in last year and months later, we became almost instant friends. I had been lonely for a long time before that and hadn't felt a strong friendship and she just barged right in my life and showed me what friendship should mean. I am forever thankful to Lacey.

I'll stop there so I don't sound too uber obsessed with my friend but just trust me---she's the best.

Thanksgiving was so special this year and I'm so incredibly grateful to my Heavenly Father for making it a year to remember.

When asked what I was thankful for this year before we sat down to eat, the first thing that came to my mind was this:
I'm thankful for the ability to be happy, no matter the situation.

And that is so true. I am thankful to know that I control my happiness. I'm thankful to be a mom. I'm thankful for food to eat and for the people that surround me daily.

I am so blessed and I love it.

Becoming a Friend Like my Friends

Yesterday, in our women's meeting at church, my friend gave a lesson that has been on my mind for days, week, and these past few months. Her proposition when she started the lesson: Be thinking of things you've done for others or things others have done for you.

The very first sentence that came to my mind was this: Which of the 3,000 stories should I pick from?

This is the truth, friends. I have thousands of stories. 2,999 of them are stories of what people have done for me.

Since I was holding her sleeping baby who then woke up and started to fuss {ie: screamed because I wouldn't let him run to his momma}, I didn't ever get a chance to raise my hand and contribute the beautiful blessings that replay in my mind daily.

These are all personal stories of how others have helped me so I promise, they are true.

 

Let's start with the main feature on this post: my new family pictures.

 I was elated when my friend decided to squeeze me in to her busy holiday schedule. I wanted updates of my kid and it was equally incredible just to be able to spend time with someone I love so much. She captured what I wanted perfectly and even added a couple of pictures of me in there---not so much what I wanted but something I think I've been needing. :)

 Of course, the very first thing I did when I saw this picture was start to tear myself down. Why do I do that?! But it only took a minute to understand how priceless of a picture this is.
There is so much love here. I'm forever grateful to have these and I'm having a hard time being patient for the rest of the pictures.

#2: The day everything in my life seemed to fall apart. I couldn't face my kids yet and let them see me broken so I drove to my best friend's house. She happened to be pulling out of the driveway and when she saw me, she got out and I noticed she was in a dress. It was a Saturday night so I assumed I had just interrupted date night---I had---but that was ok with her. She was on her way to the temple and I tagged along. I was a 7th wheel on their three-couple date. Seriously, you'd think it would be extremely awkward. It wasn't. They all knew I needed that time. They all knew I needed them. Their husbands seemed to take a step back and let my friends rally around me. I knew they were worried. I felt their love. Somehow, it ended up being an incredible night, not 'the night I ruined their date'. In the end, they paid for my dinner and her husband gave me a Priesthood blessing when we got back. What should always be indented in my brain as a horrible, horrible day will now end with a good memory whenever I think about it.

 #3: Days after that horrible-no-good-day, a friend insisted on coming over to clean my house. Seriously. I was embarrassed and tried to tell her no but she gave me a date and time and she just showed up. Not only did she deep clean my whole house, she wanted me to be able to get out of the house so she organized a group of friends to go with us to Yogurtland that night and she even found me a babysitter.

#4: Same friend, for my birthday, convinced other friends to take me out to lunch. She also convinced these friends to somehow unlock my back door without me noticing when we left. She then cleaned my whole house, top to bottom, and I came home to balloons, a present, and a clean house. It was just what I needed.

#4: How are we only on #4? I feel like I just described what are worth thousands of good deeds. Seriously, these are big, people! Friend finds out about hard things in my life. Next thing I know, it's 11pm and she is on my doorstep with chocolate ice cream and a listening ear.

#5: I text a friend who's gone through similar trials and tell her I just need to talk because I'm having a hard night. I ask if she would be willing to come over at 9am the next morning. It's 10:30pm and the whole thing is a complete scam because I'm texting her this to try and get her to my house at 9am the next morning for her surprise baby shower. I figure it's late enough that her 39-week-pregnant self will not come over and the next thing I know, she texts me saying she is in the driveway. Of course, I had to lie and say we weren't home because I didn't actually need her but it got me all emotional, thinking what she was willing to do for me no matter the time. She chose to give up her last Saturday morning as a mom of 2 with her family to spend the time talking about my problems---even though in the end, we were all in the surprise and she wasn't coming over to help me. :) If you're wondering, the surprise party worked out---barely. Next time, I'll have to come up with a better excuse.

#6, 7, 8, etc: Obviously the same friend as mentioned above has been an incredible listening ear on many other occasions. She comes over, she lets me come over, we meet at the park, etc. It doesn't seem to matter. If I need her, she is somehow always there.

I have tons more stories. I always will. And because my friends are so inspiring to me, I hope to be able to create those same blessings in someone else's life. It is why I've tried to stop judging. It is why I've made it a point to listen to the Spirit when I'm told I need to do something. If you're wondering, I'm not perfect. Just the other day, I hurt someone's feelings by speaking before thinking it through. I make mistakes often. But I want to be the kind of friend my friends are to me so when I make mistakes, I pick myself back up and try again the next day.

If you're in need of a listening ear, contact me. I've got two perfectly good ones and sometimes they even give out decent bits of advice. Just remember how important you are and how much worth you have and remind your friends of their own worth and potential.

How incredible would this world be if we all understood our worth and could see ourselves with the potential God sees in us?

Friends Without Judgment

 Dear Mahala,

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I like to replay the memories I have of growing up with you. I remember playing on the treadmill at your house for hours on end because we thought it was a toy. I remember the dark turquoise slide in your backyard. I remember helping out in your class at school. Most of all, I remember how much you loved everyone.

Those memories became more vivid this week when my son met a new friend at Petey's dance class. You see, Spidey is drawn to anyone playing on an electronic device. He quickly saw that Jordan had an iPad and he ran over to him. At first, Jordan wasn't happy. His sensory issues make it so he gets agitated when people touch him. Spidey snuggled up close to him and Jordan tried to make him go away. When Jordan's mom told him that Spidey looked up to him {Jordan is going into 9th grade this year and Spidey likes playing with big kids}, he looked up with a huge smile and said, "Mom, now I have two best friends!" He seemed so delighted that Spidey was his friend. For 2 hours, they played games together on the iPad. Since Spidey is overly touchy, Jordan decided it was ok for Spidey to touch his shirt, just not his skin. I could see Spidey trying to refrain from touching Jordan too much. They laughed together, talked about their likes, and played Memory over and over and over. Any time Spidey would cheat and take 2 turns in Memory, Jordan would start a new game because you can't cheat!

I watched them sit side by side, playing and laughing together and I realized how soft Spidey's heart is. He has no idea that Jordan is any different than other kids. He has no idea that Jordan might have a hard time making friends. All he knows is that Jordan is his new best friend.

He left the dance studio with a huge smile on his face. Spidey loves making new friends. I don't think he could ever have too many friends. I hope to see more of him and Jordan together because it made me happy to see him with a role model like Jordan. I want my son to grow up loving others without judgment. I want him to know what it's like to be friends with someone like you. I wouldn't trade the 12 years we were friends for anything. I think about the day I'll get to see you up in Heaven and I know it will be a happy reunion.

Thank you for everything you taught me.