Sunday, September 22, 2013

Trials and Attaining Happiness

 I deal with trials in many different ways. There is usually a numbing point where I don't want to feel what is happening to my heart. The first time I really noticed this was when I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. The thought of infertility was so scary to me and I had a hard time processing all of the things I was feeling. I wish I would've gone to see a counselor back then. I imagine it would've helped me cope with my feelings.

There were trials before infertility. I had even suffered a miscarriage in the beginning of my marriage. And yet, no other trial before infertility stood out in my life the way that one did. I grieved. I was angry. I was depressed. I was confused. It was the hardest thing I had delt with in my life at the time.

Last month when things in my life got insecure again, I looked toward Heaven and just cried. I cried for 3 days straight. People would ask how I was and that would make me cry. I'd be listening to the radio and that would make me cry. But after 3 days, I stopped. Cold turkey. I started telling people that I must've just not had any more tears left but in reality, the numbness was starting to set in. I knew it was going to take years to get back what I had lost and I couldn't fathom that and so I went numb to protect my heart.
There have been times of anger and confusion. There have been days where I still cry. There have been countless days that I've felt alone even when I'm surrounded by wonderful people. It was as if the doubts I'd had during my 'infertility grief' were all coming back. I started to think that NO ONE could completely understand what I'm going through. Even though people were being nice and so so so helpful, they hadn't experienced what I experienced. Sometimes, talking helped. Other times, I just felt worse afterward. Everyone had advice. Everyone's advice was different. Some people told me I'd done enough while others told me to work harder to save things. I was so confused.
And then I remembered a huge lesson I'd learned during my infertility. There is one person who understands exactly what I am going through. Jesus Christ suffered for me personally. He knows exactly what I am feeling. I remembered that trusting in Him would help me through this. I know it will. It still sucks right now, plain and simple. I'm extremely worried about my children. I'm worried for their present and I'm worried for their future.
But trusting in God will help me to keep going. Attaining happiness is absolutely possible no matter what. It is not something we are just given or something that only happens when everything in our lives are good. Happiness can be found amidst some of the darkest times. For me, that happiness comes through knowing I am a child of God. I always have been. I always will be. The comfort that eternal purpose gives me is greater than anything in the entire world. Nothing compares to knowing that no matter what trials I'm faced with, I can always rely on my Heavenly Father. He always listens and He understands what I'm dealing with. He knows the time frame of my trial and why I need the strength I'm being taught to have.

Last month, I was so angry that my trials seem to have just gotten worse after my infertility 2.5 years ago. There haven't been very many breathers in there. And yet, I can see God's hand in my life everywhere these past few years. I have never been deserted by Him and I'm so glad that I can recognize that.
I can promise you that in your darkest hours, God is still with you. Let Him in. Let Him comfort you. Open your heart to his love.
You are a child of God.

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