Tuesday, December 10, 2013

The Loss of Tradition

 How is it that every time I'm struggling---every dang time---I always seem to hear/read/feel what I need to hear/read/feel?
Tonight was no exception.
I was feeling sorry for myself. Feeling sorry that for five days this month, my children won't be in my home. And I'm not talking five days total---I'm talking five days in a row.
And do you know what two of those days are? Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.
I'm going to miss these happy faces and squeals of excitement as they open gifts from Santa.
 I'm going to miss seeing them in their new Christmas pajamas.
I'm going to miss too much. And then in 2 years, I'm going to miss it all again.

It's realizations like this that seem unfair. How? Why? When? I ask myself how I got here, why I got here, when I got here.

My children are my life. I'm serious. You can ask anybody. And I don't care one bit if you think that is healthy or not. I wouldn't trade them for anything. I eat, sleep, and breathe motherhood. I take short breaks from it when I'm in school but the whole time, I'm thinking about my kids. I stare at pictures of them when they're not here. I think about their past, their present, and their future and I'm constantly worried about whether I'm doing this parenting thing right.

So tonight, I was struggling. There is so much to be learned with this new life and most of it, I just don't like.
I was perusing one of my new favorite blogs when I came across this post. It couldn't have been more perfect.
Breaking tradition. Not having the traditional family. I have to get used to living with these things. I need to find ways to be happy and have a life of my own.
But I don't want to. I want my children to engulf my life. I want to hide behind their greatness. I want them to be my one and only life.
Unfortunately I have no choice anymore. I am breaking traditions and I'm going to successfully pick myself back up and walk once again.
I'm strong. I know it. I feel it. I may not want to be strong but I am.
I can do hard things.

Christmas is going to be extremely hard. I have to decide where to go, what to do, NOT to sign in to Facebook, etc. I have to decide whether I want to be happy or miserable on my own this Christmas.
But I can do this.

I can do hard things.

1 comment:

Jamie said...

you are amazing! I can't imagine how difficult this is, but I can tell you will make it through just fine! If there is anything you need this holiday season let me know! I'm sure this year will be the hardest . . I've heard holidays always are and you've already made it through 1/2 the holidays :)