Tonight was no exception.
I was feeling sorry for myself. Feeling sorry that for five days this month, my children won't be in my home. And I'm not talking five days total---I'm talking five days in a row.
And do you know what two of those days are? Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.
It's realizations like this that seem unfair. How? Why? When? I ask myself how I got here, why I got here, when I got here.
My children are my life. I'm serious. You can ask anybody. And I don't care one bit if you think that is healthy or not. I wouldn't trade them for anything. I eat, sleep, and breathe motherhood. I take short breaks from it when I'm in school but the whole time, I'm thinking about my kids. I stare at pictures of them when they're not here. I think about their past, their present, and their future and I'm constantly worried about whether I'm doing this parenting thing right.
So tonight, I was struggling. There is so much to be learned with this new life and most of it, I just don't like.
I was perusing one of my new favorite blogs when I came across this post. It couldn't have been more perfect.
Breaking tradition. Not having the traditional family. I have to get used to living with these things. I need to find ways to be happy and have a life of my own.
But I don't want to. I want my children to engulf my life. I want to hide behind their greatness. I want them to be my one and only life.
Unfortunately I have no choice anymore. I am breaking traditions and I'm going to successfully pick myself back up and walk once again.
I'm strong. I know it. I feel it. I may not want to be strong but I am.
I can do hard things.
Christmas is going to be extremely hard. I have to decide where to go, what to do, NOT to sign in to Facebook, etc. I have to decide whether I want to be happy or miserable on my own this Christmas.
But I can do this.
I can do hard things.
1 comment:
you are amazing! I can't imagine how difficult this is, but I can tell you will make it through just fine! If there is anything you need this holiday season let me know! I'm sure this year will be the hardest . . I've heard holidays always are and you've already made it through 1/2 the holidays :)
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