Wednesday, October 21, 2015
Achingly, Beautifully Hard
Achingly, beautifully hard.
And I used to think that during these times, I was supposed to fight the feelings and pretend that it didn't feel hard.
I now know that that is not the case---I am allowed to feel like life is hard, like it is a never-ending case of bad news and failure.
I am allowed to see the darkness and acknowledge that there are some pretty rotten things in our world.
It is ok to recognize the bad and label it as such.
But recognizing the bad doesn't mean we forget about the good. It doesn't mean that hope is nonexistent.
So today feels bad. It feels like a day I am not strong enough to get through. It feels like a day where everyone is laughing at me behind my back and wondering why I'm making such a fool of myself.
It feels hopeless.
But somewhere inside of me, there is a glimmer of fragile hope, a reminder that this day isn't the only day of my life.
Twenty-six months of being on my own---stressing about dating---realizing I can't change other people---changing a lot of things about myself.
I couldn't have looked back to twenty-six months ago and seen what I am currently seeing. I couldn't have even guessed the questions and the faith changes and the solidifying peace mixed with sheer terror.
Peace and terror.
Many people have told me these things can't go hand in hand. They've told me that if I'm questioning my faith and feeling anxious or doubtful, I am not following God. I understand why you would think that but if only in my case alone, I know that isn't the truth.
Truth and fear can co-exist.
Because quite honestly, either way I go, there are fears. Either path I choose, there will be feelings of anxiety.
I am finding myself and today, that sounds heavy and way too hard.
It surely doesn't sound fun.
It most assuredly isn't something I picked.
But it is something I am doing for me.
I got another year older last week and I have a good feeling about this year. I have a feeling that I am capable of enduring the dark days and basking in the glow of the sunny days.
It isn't a bad life---just a bad day.
And today, that is ok with me. I am grateful for days like today because they remind me that I am a warrior. I am a woman who loves deeply and aches deeply. I am a fighter who is capable of seeing the good even on the worst of days.
I can do hard things---and I will.