Put Your Brave Pants On

I've been thinking about bravery and heroism lately. As I've struggled to crawl out of the hole I fell into, I've had to learn a few things about what bravery really means to me.

I've struggled a lot with the fear of abandonment. I've never had an explanation that makes sense in my mind because this is something I feared long before divorce.

Because of this, I'm often paranoid that the people in my life will leave me.

So for me, making friends is really brave. Even just meeting new people is really brave.

Being authentic and vulnerable is extremely brave.

But every day, I try. I go out into the world, most of the time with a big smile, and I try to make sure I'm making the world brighter. And when I can't make the world brighter, I at least try not to make it any darker.

Bravery is about trying. It is about getting up each day and deciding to do things that aren't always comfortable. It is breaking out of the square box we would normally live in.

Bravery is showing the world it can't break you. It is waking up with a smile when everyone expects you to fall apart. It is trusting your heart and believing in yourself.

Because as much as we want to believe others will pick us up, sometimes the best thing for them is walking away. And I'm not here to determine whether that choice is right or wrong because it's different for everyone.

So you have to learn to save yourself.

Be your own hero. 

Believe in who you are.

This is one of my greatest parenting goals. Teaching bravery to children is an every day, every minute task. Most of the things my kids experience are new to them and often times, they look to me for reassurance. Each day, I try to emphasize the importance of putting our "brave pants" on and trying our best.

This ranges from trying new foods to attending school to giving a talk in primary and sometimes it even means dancing in front of hundreds of people.

My kids do brave things every day. 

Princess struggles with this the most. She isn't as outgoing as Ninja and she often clings to my leg in new situations.

I remember the day she started kindergarten. I remember walking away as she cried and tried to run after me. I remember feeling like the worst mom in the world, even though I knew that brave moment would help shape her into the girl she is today.

That moment taught me a lot about my own life. Because more than once in my life I've watched people walk away and I've cried and wanted to run after them---but in my heart, I knew the best decision would be to stay put and put my faith in myself.

And the first few times, I was lost for a long time and couldn't find my way back. But the more I choose bravery, the stronger I become. The more I fight for myself, the happier I am. The more I trust myself, the healthier my self-confidence becomes.

I think God knew this. I think He needed to push me over the edge so I would find myself. I told Him over and over and OVER that He was giving me too much to handle but the thing is, He didn't. I found my way. In fact, I pushed further ahead than I've ever gone.

I've started reading my scriptures and praying and spending more quality time with my kids. I've started reciting positive affirmations in front of my mirror to remind myself every day that I DO HARD THINGS. 

Whether I wanted to or not, God gave me this particular life because I am supposed to be this particular person. And as the Suzanne that I currently am, I can sit here and tell you that I am just as worthy as anyone else. I am worthy of life and love and happiness.

And happiness doesn't need to include a husband or more children or a million friends or a ton of money---happiness is an inside job. It is something I get to create within myself. It is something I get to share with the people around me.

I am extremely lucky to be Suzanne. Often times, I've wished to be someone else but this person that I am is pretty cool. The empathy and patience and optimism that God blessed me with is something I wouldn't trade for a million dollars.

I am not breakable because I am a daughter of God and I know He will always pull me through---whether that means dragging me by my toes or walking with a hand on my shoulder, He won't ever leave me.

I am brave. You are brave.

Life is brave. 

Bravery: 2014

At the beginning of 2014, I wrote this post where I chose my word for the year.

It's a funny thing, the words I choose. Every year, I pick them and every year, they end up applying to my life even more than I anticipate.

I can count numerous times this year when the word bravery was directly applied to a decision or action in my life.
There was this post where I shared my views on divorce and how it hasn't changed my belief in marriage. Getting used to openly talking about divorce wasn't an easy thing. I was fearful of the judgement. But I did it anyway because I needed my voice to be heard.
This year, I made hundreds of new friends---some I've met and some I hope to meet in person someday. I might have forced myself into some of their lives and trusted my brave heart to lead me in the path I needed to go and my goodness, it turned out so incredibly sweet in the end.
I have learned to fight this year---I went from slowly killing myself daily to putting myself in recovery from my eating disorder, I have learned to openly talk about pornography and share my views on the effects of it's entrapment, and I have slept in my bed alone for over a year with only minor middle-of-the-night freak outs.

I have dated. Oh what a fun and seriously stupid world the dating world is... I really don't have much to say about it but for me, dating has been extremely brave.

School. I have completed two semesters of full time school this year and gotten through one of the most triggering classes I've ever had to endure---and I raised my hand and spoke my mind about why I don't agree with mainstreaming pornography.

I was chosen to be a recipient of the Bright Effects day and I completed a photoshoot of just me...no kids...just my beautiful insecurities, all wrapped up into one mold of a warrior.

I started working again---and it was all sorts of messy for a while. Juggling work, school, and motherhood was not very fun for a while. Ninja would say the same thing if you asked him. It was hard. I was constantly getting anxious and running from one place to the next, trying to devote my attention to whomever needed it the most in that minute. Luckily, we have fallen into a groove and things have gotten so much better!

My bravery took us on two trips, one to California and one to Utah. I also took a trip to Las Vegas with friends, where I bravely wore my "Porn Kills Love" shirt on the LV Strip.

There have been so many moments this year where I've questioned myself. I doubt my abilities a lot. I worry about whether this blog is the right thing, whether my parenting is good enough, and whether I'm acting with authenticity. I want to be real and allow you to see the messy mixed in with the beautiful.

I struggle to find who I really am. I have changed so much this year and although so many aspects of that are beautiful, some of them aren't as great. Sometimes I surprise myself with how much anxiety can take over within seconds or how my fears cause me to believe really ugly things about myself.
Other days I surprise myself with how confident I am.
But mostly, it's just been hard trying to figure out who this new Suzanne is. I battle that one out in my mind often---way too often.

There have been so many reasons to celebrate my bravery this year. I've done a lot of things I didn't believe I'd be capable of doing.

Which brings me to 2015:
I have thought about what word I should pick to represent this next year of my life.
Most of the words I wanted to pick were synonyms with bravery: courage, strength, etc. They all seemed like decent words but I knew none of them were the word I was looking for.

I was looking at this new family picture yesterday and the word seemed to be staring me in the face...

Healing.

With all of my pain and struggle between divorce and my eating disorder, I have tried to focus on my own healing but it has never received enough attention.

This year, I am putting more focus on my own personal recovery. I'm going to figure out who I am and who I truly want to be.
I am going to fight for myself so that I am able to fight for those two beautiful children of mine.

The past 3 years, I've tried to make it a goal to go to the temple 12 times (which would equal out to once a month) and each year, I get somewhere between 6-9. Not this year. This year I surpassed my goal and although I am not going to put a specific number on my temple attendance this next year, I have seen what going to the temple does for my life and I am going to continue making it a priority.

Healing.

I have so much faith that healing my heart is possible. I have faith in my ability to figure this new life out.

To end my year of bravery, and to start another year of bravery, I recorded a song that I heard for the first time tonight---because I'm really good at winging things around here. This is my last post of 2014 and I really wanted to share something special with all of you, my warrior friends.
I want to leave you with a thousand disclaimers but I think the bravest part of posting this is just leaving this video for you to listen to and judge for yourself. No disclaimers. Just me.

Authenticity

I am not going to sit here and tell you that it is always going to be ok.

 

Because some days will be really crappy.

 

I don't care who you are or what your life is like, you will have bad days.

 

So it isn't necessarily a matter of making every day amazing---it seems like the heart of the matter is making sure we are strong enough to handle the days where we are punched in the stomach over and over.

 

We can choose our safe places. 

But sometimes our safe places are compromised.

We build them. They seem like they're strong. And then someone finds a way to destroy a piece.

 

We have to learn to rebuild them over and over again.

Because we are going to have to.

 

This is life.

 

Although we can find safety in outside sources, I think safety needs to generate from within.

Because "What can I change about this situation?" seems like a much stronger question than "Will you protect me from this change?"

It shouldn't be about what life gives or takes away--it should be about what we put into life and what we take away from the experiences we are given.

 

I am not going to sit here and tell you that everyone will love you.

 

They won't.

 

You will find that even on your most genuine of days, people will judge you frontward and backward. They might do it behind your back or they might do it to your face but it will happen.

 

Your job is to love you.

Your job is not to judge them.

 

Two wrongs don't make a right. But if you take one wrong and one right, you can feel peace knowing that you made the right decision.

 

People will call you ugly, horrible things. They will think you are someone you are not.

Life will knock you down.

 

Get back up.

You need to get back up.

 

I am not going to sit here and tell you that this rollercoaster ever ends.

I really don't think it does.

What I do think is that when we face the bad days, we get braver. And when we bask in the goodness of the good days, we have more gratitude.

 

Be your authentic you.

Love the you that you already are.

 

People might tell you it isn't good enough. But you're here. You're breathing. You're trying. You are good enough.

"As I began to love myself, I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth. Today I know this is "AUTHENTICITY". -Charlie Chaplin-

Today this is my favorite quote.

Today I believe that authenticity is what keeps me going.

Sometimes I fight the feelings in my heart that tell me I don't hate people. Sometimes I want to hate people that treat me wrong. But I cannot and will not become a person that I am not because of the actions of someone else. I will not hate others because that is not who I am.

I fight to be authentic. I fight because I do not want to forfeit who I am for who someone believes I am.

We cannot rely on the actions of others to determine our lives.

I am going to get up tomorrow---and the next day, and the next day...---with genuine intentions to be me.
Although this looks different every single day, being authentic to myself is what keeps me able to empathize more openly and sort my feelings more efficiently.

I will not believe the negative things said about me because for every negative lie, there are a thousand positive truths.

Today I believe the truths.

Fearfully, Faithfully, Beautifully

Once upon a time, there was a scared young woman who didn't like not knowing the future. She knew that the future could bring happiness but it was also full of uncertainty.

She was afraid to look in the mirror because she didn't know if she liked the person staring back at her.
She was afraid to be alone because the horrible stories in the news made her feel vulnerable to the world.
She was afraid to date because she knew what rejection felt like and it didn't feel good.
She was afraid to be herself because what if people didn't accept the real her?

Amidst her fears, friends would randomly say things like, "You are such a strong woman.", "My husband and I were talking about how any man would be lucky to have you as their wife.", "Thank you for helping me through that." and she wondered..."Do they see who I really am? Do they notice my flaws?"

The answer is yes, they do.

And they loved her anyway.

Because somewhere among the loudness and the lack of a filter and the short temper, they saw who she really was. They saw the good.

It was because of them that she continued to fight. It was because of what they saw in her that she began to notice some of the goodness too. She began to realize she isn't worthless or stupid or ugly.

She is loveable and funny and compassionate.

She couldn't have done this by herself. Even brave people need help. Two years of therapy, anti-anxiety medication, prayer, and love have helped her to be as brave as she could be. I don't believe God gave her this life because she was strong enough to live it. I believe He gave her this life because He knew He would help her live it. She isn't stronger than the average person. She is stronger than the girl she used to be.

And it's ok to not do it alone. It's ok to rely on professional help or need medication or some homeopathic remedy or friends and family. It's ok. It doesn't mean we aren't strong. Asking for help is a sign of strength. It takes bravery to know you cannot do this alone.

Some days, she wakes up and just feels so much compassion for herself and other days, she has to rely on the things people tell her. She has a list of compliments people have given her this past year to read on the days she has lost all faith in herself.

Today she is ready to fly.
Today she doesn't fear the future.
Today she trusts God's plan and knows that whatever happens, she is a fighter.
Also, she sees beauty today. In herself. In the world. In her future.

Fearfully Brave

I shared this picture on my Facebook last Sunday because I was struggling to figure out how I was going to make it another day.
Last Sunday, I was so defeated. I had been parenting alone for over a week with only one 4 hour break. I hadn't had an overnight break from my kids in a month. My house had been hit by a tornado of messy, sticky children and I just didn't feel like I could keep up. And that Sunday night, I had found out that I was most likely going to be parenting alone for another 7 days.
It doesn't seem like a lot. It's just 7 days, right? But between work and school and meetings and homework and cleaning and parenting...I could barely stand the anxiety I was feeling.
I layed down on my bed and cried.

But after some sleep and snuggles from the children who make my life full of ups and downs, I took life one day at a time.
{And I do have to say that the kids' dad ended up taking off two days of work to help out}

The thing is, I will always be a work in progress. Divorce didn't come with some handbook on how to do everything correctly. I've gotten so darn angry sometimes, I've felt so defeated sometimes, and other times, I've felt immense amounts of relief and happiness. This isn't something I worked into my life and thought, "Well, that looks like it might be fun to try out!" I didn't birth two children with the intentions of raising them 75% of the time on my own.

So there are days I fall so far down that I'm not sure I can crawl my way to the top. There are days I get anxiety about really simple things because I'm afraid that my life could be ripped out from under me once again.

This life I live wasn't some dare. It wasn't about two stubborn people who weren't willing to work on their marriage so they just decided divorce would be easier. On August 23rd, 2013, divorce wasn't something I would've thought we would be facing and yet, a day later I was staring the possibility of divorce right in the face.

I deal with the backlash of divorce every day. My daughter still cries a lot that her dad isn't there to tuck her into bed most nights. Yesterday she told me that she will never be ok from all of this.

I got through this week because my friends and family carried me. I got through this week because I prayed and my Heavenly Father sent me miracles. I don't need these things every week but this week, I did. I needed extra help and it was there for me.

Life is just one challenge after another, mixed with a lot of beauty to make each challenge worth it. This week didn't disappoint. Along with the anger and the anxiety, I was filled with joy throughout each busy day. I was able to smile and laugh and be a mom and work and go to school and be successful. I was able to buy a new pair of shoes and take my kids out for a birthday dinner at Red Robin (Did I mention my little guy turns FIVE this week?!!). I was able to read scriptures with my kids before bed two nights and listen to General Conference with them this weekend.

It isn't all bad even though sometimes the bad tries to consume me and convince me that my life sucks.

Although I'm exhausted and I often feel unable to take another step, I've kept going so far and I plan to keep going from here on out.

I'm going to make it. You're going to make it.

The future I had hoped for has burned to the ground but in it's place, I can choose to rebuild a new future.

I'm going to make it.

It doesn't matter what I face. I have faith that with the help of my family and friends and my God, I will be able to wake up to a new tomorrow each and every day.

When I am consumed with fear, someone always seems to be there to remind me that I am worth it. I am worth every ounce of love another person is capable of giving. Although I was abandoned and heartbroken last year, I am still worthy of love. I am worthy of someone's eternity.

I am worthy because I am a daughter of God and I believe He has a plan for me.

I am brave because I chose to wake up and live today.

I am breathing through my fears and that is brave.

Being brave does not mean never being afraid.

Bright Effects

 In the past year, I have been through a hell I didn't think I'd ever have to go through. I just didn't. But really, who plans their divorce before it happens?

Anyway, I realize how much I've been focusing on the hard lately---mostly because lately it has been hard---but there have been some pretty incredible things that have happened in the past year.

In January, the word I picked for 2014 was brave. I knew I would need to be brave as I pushed forward through a divorce and school and motherhood. I knew I would need to find myself this year and battle my eating disorder more than I've ever had to before. I knew I woud need to face my fears and make grown up decisions by myself.

It has been a year of hard and it has been a year of brave.

A month or so ago, my friend, Jacy, posted something on her blog that caught my eye. It was a special day her and her friend, Shay, had been planning for a while that they were giving away to two lucky women. All I had to do was send in an email stating why I could benefit from this day.

I clicked off of Jacy's blog and was so excited to see who would be announced the winner. I never intended to email her. I just couldn't see myself spending a whole day with two people who intimidate me because of their awesomeness and then have a photoshoot of MYSELF at the end of the day.

Nope. It wasn't happening. Not even a little bit.

I would think about that giveaway a few times a day and would see Jacy and Shay post about it to get entries but I just kept pushing it to the back of my mind. I probably wouldn't be picked anyway so there really was no point in writing an email.

But on the very last day of the giveaway, I saw Jacy post a link to it and I decided I should just send a quick email. What could it hurt, right? I realized the day of Bright Effects was just days after my one year anniversary of being on my own so I chose to write about that.

Here is the email I sent:

"On August 24th, it will be exactly one year since the day my husband left me. This year has been full of pain and heartache and feelings I DID NOT want to feel. There have been beautiful days and some of the ugliest days I've ever experienced. I have struggled to find my own self-worth and figure out who I am as a person, and not as the other half of a marriage. I am struggling to believe I am good enough and that the people around me truly do like me as a person. It's hard when the one person who should've loved you decided you weren't worth their eternity.

But because I am hopeful and trying and brave, I am going to write down what I have learned about myself this year.

My name is Suzanne and I have learned that I can do hard things. I can sleep in a bed by myself, in a house where I am the only adult and still feel safe. I can pay my bills and budget and work as hard as possible to still be able to stay home with my kids most of the time. I can be in school full time and juggle a half day kindergarten schedule, a preschool schedule, and a crazy dance schedule. I can hold church callings and maintain friendships with women who don't exactly understand what I'm going through but love me anyway. I can help other women who are struggling and in need of a friend. I can love people that I don't quite understand.

I can be a brave warrior.

I am a brave warrior.

In the past year, I have learned more about doing hard things than ever before and although I wish my painful journey was over and that the light was shining brightly ahead, I have hope that someday I'll find that light and that I can share that light with those around me who need it as much as I do."

 

Days later, I received an email telling me I had been picked as one of the lucky recipients.

 

Panic. Happiness. More panic. A lot of smiling. A little more anxiety. A photoshoot? No way. I couldn't do it. Someone else should do it. Someone skinnier. Someone more beautiful. Someone who has been through harder things and deserves it more.

 

But Shay talked me through a little bit of my panic and I was set.

As the day approached, I was stressed out about finding a babysitter since my ex-husband AND my parents were out of town that day. I kept thinking maybe that was a sign that I should forego the day and stay with my kids but because I have some pretty amazing friends, a few of them took my kids that day so I could enjoy myself.

It was finally noon and as I pulled up to Jacy's house, the front door opened and Jacy and Shay were both hugging me and voicing their excitement for the day they had planned out.

We started the day with a group therapy session with Angie Whitman. I wasn't sure what to expect because it's taken me TWO YEARS to really open up to my current counselor {true story} but it went really well. Angie is very relatable and friendly and I loved the things we were able to talk about.

After group therapy, we headed over to a pilates studio...what?!! The funny thing is I wasn't as nervous about this part since I go to the gym a lot and feel like I'm in better shape than I have been in years. But oh my goodness gracious, when we walked in the machines were super INTIMIDATING. I have never seen contraptions like those before! But wow. Wow. WOW! Melissa Olsen of Core Body Pilates is seriously incredible. I am still sore.

We finished our afternoon at Kneaders for a delicious lunch before heading back to Jacy's house for the next part of our day.

I hopped in the shower and when I got out, the hair stylist, Thom, and make up artist, Nella Brenner, were ready for me.

Breathe...you can do this, Suzanne.

I was so nervous!

But as you can see from the bottom left picture, I did it. The hair stylists took off an inch or so of damaged hair and then styled it and the make up artist gave me a new look.

I think the funniest part is when she said, "Suzanne, you're probably going to freak out when you look in the mirror because you aren't used to filling in your eyebrows." Umm, yeah, she was dead on. It was something I had to get used to. But she did an AMAZING job and I felt incredible when it was over.

And then it was time for the photoshoot.

EEEEEK!

I want to sit here and tell you that I was excited for this part or that I was overjoyed when I got the pictures back. I wasn't. I'm pretty hard on myself and I wasn't a fan of the pictures when I first looked at them.

The talent I was a HUGE fan of...Shannon was absolutely incredible and her work is amazing. But me IN the pictures? Not. So. Much.

But I have since embraced my pictures and I posted my favorite one on Facebook.

I know my Heavenly Father loves me. I also don't doubt that my friends and family love me. The tricky part is loving myself. I'm not there today. But I hope I get there soon.

I picked a few pictures to share with you today.

^^^favorite^^^

Sylvia was the other winner of this special day and I am so glad I met her. It was nice to be doing this with someone else.
The photographer snapped a few pictures of us together at the end and we had a bit of fun with that.

Sylvia is TALL...and when I leaned in to her, my head was on her boob. So we reenacted that moment but switched it around below...

...because I just can't be serious all of the time! :D

Sylvia is gorgeous inside and out. I loved being with her most of the day and getting to know about her life and all of the bravery she has faced.

We ended the evening with a gift from Jacy and Shay which was a picture frame with an amazing quote in it.

I am blessed.

Today I know I am blessed.

I was so lucky to be picked for such an incredible gift from Jacy and Shay. They are some really incredible women and I am so glad I know them.

With this new beginning and this new year of being on my own, I know I can do hard things. I know I can be brave, even when it feels so dark and lonely around me. I know I can fight for myself and give my kids a good life.

I can do this.

No One is Youer than You

 

I've always loved that Dr. Seuss quote, "Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you."

Truth be told, no one is better at being you than you are. Even on the worst of days and especially on the best of days.

I have to admit, there have been many times in my life I've wished to be someone else---someone skinnier, someone richer, someone smarter, etc. When I let my insecurities run my life, I become unhappy with the woman God intended me to be.

Although I don't believe God intended me to be a divorced mother of two when He created me, I know that He intended for me to be brave and strong. I know that He intended for me to fight my battles and love who I am. He knew I was going to go through these things and He placed building blocks along the way to teach me how to deal with them.

I firmly believed in that through my teenage years, miscarriage, marriage trials, infertility, and divorce.
But recently, I lost it. I lost some of my faith in allowing God to be in charge. I lost some of my faith in seeing the plan He has and knowing He can help me feel better. Because it just kept getting harder instead of better.

And hello? Not fair!

Amiright?

I needed a change.

Anger has been the first phase I allowed. When I first started to feel all of my anger, I fought it off because I just don't want to be that person. I want to be happy all of the time. But I have realized that I need to allow my feelings to come OUT so they don't stay in.

So I have been writing my anger out and working on the things that cause me to feel hurt.

Booyah, right?

And vomiting my feelings onto paper really did help me to see a glimpse of the hope I used to have. It also helped me to realize that I cannot do this on my own right now. And that's ok.

It's ok to need help. Ugh. Even writing that sentence kinda made me feel yucky. I still don't like needing help but my heart does tell me that it's ok. If I was giving advice to someone else, I'd tell them it was ok to need help.

So it must be ok for me too.

And thankfully, when I start to really doubt and lose my hope, God sends me little reminders that He loves me and has my back...always and forever. Last week, it was in the form of a song a friend sent me.

That song has become this week's theme song.


I hope you know you're not alone. I hope you know that there is a God and that He loves you for you, not for the choices you've made or the way you look.

Even though that's hard for me to believe all of the time, I'm grateful I can hold onto the things I write in my journal and on this blog of the good days, the days where I can fully see how much better it is that God is in control and not me.

I Am Here

I am here.This is exactly where I am.
Right here.

I've been thinking a lot the past few days. I do that sometimes---think. I am nearing my year mark of living on my own.
A whole year.
I kind of can't believe it but at the same time, it feels like it's been longer. It depends on the day.

In this year I have slept in my bed alone, not had help with baths/bedtime 75% of the time, made grown up decisions on my own, finished two semesters of school, juggled friend time and kid time and now 'single people' time, been the "room mom" at Petey's school, taken my kids to extracurriculars, taken trips by myself with the kids, and I've even gone on a few dates.
Divorce life is weird. It just is. It's hard and weird and messy and I'm still figuring out how I should navigate this new life between kids and being single and my many, many married friends. It's tricky a lot of the time.

I've gotten more babysitters in the past year than all of the previous six years combined. I'm so grateful for all of the help and the prayers and the late night talks. A whole year has gone by and I still feel surrounded and supported by the people who love and my children.

I felt a strong impression to start writing this blog back in 2009, right after my son was born. At the time, my post-partum depression was pretty rough and I needed an outlet. But most of my posts were crap. Most of them weren't real.

I wanted so badly to write about real things the first 2.5 years my blog existed. But I wasn't brave enough to share my life.
Then infertility happened. I needed this outlet. I needed to write my feelings about what was happening and I wondered if others needed to hear it as well.
Judging from the comments and the emails, they did. People related to my words. I learned a lot of stories from a lot of people that came from all different walks of life.

Since then, I've decided to keep my blog as real as I can. Although not everything is blog appropriate, a lot of the things I'm passionate about are. Everytime I write, I put effort into my words.

But along with being so real, I take some risks.
Any person can come here and see that:
I am divorced. I am passionately against pornography. I have two kids. I have an eating disorder. I'm kind of crazy.
{Although that last one isn't proven...}
One of the hardest parts of having a blog is that everyone gets to know about you before you get to know anything about them. It's something I choose everytime I push publish.
I know it's a risk. I know a lot of the people that read my blog don't personally know me. I can't force you to trust me or believe in what I am saying. Many of you won't and that's ok with me. But this is my side of the story. It is a story I get to share whenever I want because it is mine. I do hope that when you read, you see a little piece of my heart. I hope you see that I am a genuine person.

Because I haven't quite decided if you knowing so much about me without me trusting/knowing you is a good thing. I still feel like it's right to be doing this and putting my words out there for everyone to read but that doesn't always make it easy. It is still scary a lot of the time. I still think long and hard before submitting my posts and sharing them on Facebook.

Because this is my real life, people. These are my ups and downs, my good and my bad, my faith and my fear. These stories aren't made up. They happen in my life. The emotions I write about are real emotions.

I am scared every time I come on here but I am also brave. I feel like this is one of my callings in life. I don't see a point in trials if I don't turn around and help someone overcome their trial through my empathy and understanding. I come here to help sort out my thoughts but also to help you, maybe just one of you. It's ok with me if it's just one of you. I am here to show you that you are not alone.

That is a truth that I know without a doubt.

You are not alone.

You Would Never Know

I'm going to try really hard to be more open with you today because for some reason, I get the feeling that someone needs it. Maybe that someone is me, maybe that someone is you...

Everyone has a story. Everyone has a background and a childhood and unique experiences.
No two stories are exactly alike.

It is so easy to judge. It is so easy to look a person up and down and think we know everything we need to know about them to make perfect assumptions about their life.

Have you ever seen the kid at the restaurant that is so extremely obnoxious that you wonder why the heck their parents brought them out in public? Did you find yourself judging this child's parents? Did you find yourself judging the child? If you knew this child's story, would you feel differently about this situation? What if this child was autistic? What if this child was being bullied at school and was insecure? What if this child's parents were going through a divorce?

You would never know, would you? And yet, a lot of times, we still judge.

When I was first faced with the prospect of divorce, one of my main worries was judgment. I felt like I had this neon sign flashing on me at all times that said, "I am divorced" or "I am proving the statistic".

I failed. I failed so badly at something that I should've succeeded at.
I blamed myself for marrying way too young. I blamed myself for ignoring red flags. And I was extremely scared for how I would be perceived as a divorced mother of 2.

A month or so ago, I found out some pretty devastating news about my marriage---news that would rock anyone's world. It was during this time that I started struggling even more and wondering how in the hell I was going to get past this. I worried about what other's would think if they knew the truth. Would this create a paradigm shift for my story? Because certainly this caused me to feel like the victim all over again. He lied. He made horrible decisions. He left because he chose other things over me. I was really angry.

A huge part of me wanted to shout from the rooftops what was going on because I have already been faced with ridicule from others for my divorce. I have already experienced the judgment and I have had people place the blame solely on me for my failed marriage. I thought, "If only they knew..." and I wanted them to. I wanted them to see my side. I wanted them to understand.

But I was worried they would judge---not necessarily judge me but maybe judge him? Or maybe judge the situation unfairly? I was just so worried about judgment.

And I'm really freaking sick of worrying about judgment.

I am so sick of  giving "judgment" so much credibility in my life.

So today, I am going to level with you a little bit. I am here to tell you that although I am not perfect, I know I couldn't have saved my marriage on my own. I am here to tell you that if you are feeling alone right now, I have two perfectly good ears to hear your story. I want you to know that the world cannot determine how we perceive our story---we are the only ones who get to decide.

I look at my story and a lot of the time, I get discouraged and think, "Well my story sucks." but so many beautiful things are a part of my story. My story has forced me to utilize my New Years resolution of bravery. My story has given me the strength to fight so many evils in our world. My story has granted me opportunities to meet some of the most amazing people I've ever been privileged to be around.

Although so many parts of my story come with heartbreak and betrayal, my story is worth it.



*I've thought a lot about switching over to a new blog for our family because there are a lot of posts on here that are really painful for me and I feel like I need a fresh start. I haven't quite decided what I'm going to do or how I'm going to do this but if it happens, you will be the first---or second---to know.

The Togetherness Project

A month or so after my husband moved out, one of my friends from high school messaged me on Facebook with some supportive words and a link to a blog post that she thought might help me.

Pioneer Woman was a post that changed my perspective and helped me feel like there could be support in the decisions I was making. I was feeling backed into a corner and I wasn't sure whether to fight or flight.

I felt an instant connection to the words on Jacy's blog and I spent some time reading posts upon posts upon posts to learn more about this Brave Warrior Woman who I had never met.

Gathering from her blog posts, I assumed Jacy lived in Utah so when I emailed her to tell her how much her blog had helped me in my journey, I was surprised when she emailed back to tell me she lived literally 20 minutes away from me. What?!?

I kept on reading Jacy's blog and she would sometimes refer to The Togetherness Project and I was a bit intrigued by what seemed like a community of women who had been in similiar situations as myself. But I was nervous. Oh so nervous. I knew NO ONE besides my friend and at the time, I wasn't sure if she was going to attend the conference.

But through Jacy's blog, I came across an incredible post written by Tc and from there, I reached out to her and met her in person...kind of by force. :)

What I'm trying to say from all of this blog tagging and name dropping (because in my world, these people are famous) is that I feel like my connection to The Togetherness Project was a bunch of tiny little pieces that created a completed puzzle.

So I finally signed up. I did it. It was a step of bravery for me and this is my year of BRAVE so I did it.

Weeks upon weeks before TTP (The Togetherness Project) and I started to look forward to this band of amazing women who were very supportive of me. Countdown had begun. I had hope that I would find new friendships and a healthy amount of support and also that I would be able to support other women and love them.

My vision of TTP was almost spot on. Support, love, friendships---it was all there.

Mark Bell started the day off with a bang, teaching us about empathy vs. sympathy. "Sympathy drives disconnection. Empathy is feeling with people. When does an emphatic sentence start with, "At least."?" I connected to this message because having gone through a few crappy things in my life (infertility, divorce, etc.), I've heard a lot of these messages. At least you have two kids. At least your husband didn't die. At least you get breaks from your kids every other weekend. For the most part, I could understand that when people would say these "At least's", they were trying to help me feel better but once in a while, those sentences just plain hurt. The phrase "at least" seems to minimize the pain I'm feeling because at least I don't have it worse.

The other message I wanted to touch on was a class taught by Marilyn Tenney. If you've known me a long time, you might know her as well. Marilyn was a youth leader in my church growing up. I was so excited to attend her class just to see her and her class ended up being my favorite! I really related to the things she spoke about regarding "Codependency as a Trauma Response". I have had a hard time in my outside world (my world outside of TTP and the women who get this trauma) explaining how traumatic this has been for me. I feel like I get a lot of weird looks when I refer to my divorce as betrayal trauma because it's not like he did anything to me. I wasn't abused.Abuse is outwardly traumatic and everyone agrees but it's hard to recognize trauma that is all emotional. There is no proof and it's harder to understand. I felt shame for even feeling like I had suffered trauma because I felt like maybe I'm just overreacting. One of the first things Marilyn taught was, "If it affects how I see my world, that's trauma." Then she went on to explain that I need to, "Identify the truths and lies of my shame." Why am I feeling this shame? What are deep-rooted feelings behind all of this?

I could go on and on about codependency and what I have learned from those feelings. I had a late night/early morning talk with a great friend (you know, the night before the conference when we pulled an ALL NIGHTER) about how I hate myself when I start feeling codependent. I can hardly stand it! When I start feeling lonely, I get angry at myself because I WANT TO BE INDEPENDENT!
My friend taught me that there is a difference between being codependent and lonely. They are not the same thing. When I'm lonely, it isn't because I'm weak, it is because we, as human beings, want to feel connection with other people.

Honestly, I'd pull an all nighter all over again, despite the effects on my body from 2 days post-all-night, to learn what I learned that night---and that was BEFORE the conference had even started!

There were so many other amazing speakers and classes that I attended. I learned so much about myself, about my situation, and about the strength I CAN have in any situation!

Not only can we do hard things, we can do AMAZING things! As human beings, we have the power in any situation to come out on top.

Together, we can rise above.

Fragile

Good days can be the best and the worst. Good days show me what I want in life.

Happiness. Freedom. Laughter.

Free from the chains that seem to bind my fragile mind.

Yesterday, I was free. I really felt it. The things that usually bind me down were almost non-existent and when they did exist, honesty talked them out of my mind.

Yesterday was real.

And I went to bed listening to a song on repeat and crying and yelling---and it was so good---because I don't cry often enough and crying can be liberating.

I woke up at 11am feeling the lowest I've felt in a while. It took me a while to figure out why but I know it now. Yesterday wasn't my every day reality and it can't be. I can have days like yesterday but I can't rely on everyone else to make those days possible because I still wake up alone the next morning and have to face this as my reality. Pieces are missing and pieces are broken and I'm trying my damndest to put them all back together but it hasn't worked out yet.

This is my fight.
I hate that.
It's a hard fight, sometimes seemingly impossible.

I don't like feeling fragile. My "I am woman, hear me roar" fights with my "co-dependent".

I don't know what the point to all of this is, other than feeling like I'm whining because yesterday was a good day---as if that makes any sense---but I'm trying to learn from my feelings and not have everything feel so hard. It shouldn't have to be extremely happy or extremely sad. I shouldn't need others surrounding me. I feel like I should be fine by now. Hello, it's been 8 months or 4 months or 2 months, depending on what fragile, broken piece we are talking about. I should feel better.

Or maybe I shouldn't. I wish there was a timeline to this sort of thing.

All I feel like doing is going back to bed and pretending yesterday was my everyday and today hasn't happened yet but it's 1pm and that just might make me feel crazier than I already feel.

So instead, I'll try to be brave. I want to be brave enough to be alone. I want to be brave enough to fight. I want to be brave enough to cry and feel and learn and be real.



Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

[CHORUS:]
Set me free,
Leave me be.
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

Oh, you loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone.

[CHORUS]

I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need here on the ground.

But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.

You're keeping me down, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
You're on to me, on to me, and all over...

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.

What Today Taught Me

I'm tired, I so badly need a shower, and my inner beast is surfacing so yes, it's time to start getting ready for bed.
But I couldn't NOT post tonight.
I just couldn't!
There is no excuse that is good enough right now for me to not tell you how I feel.

I feel grateful. Today was an amazing day. Shall we just relive it a little bit? Yes, let's do that!

This morning, after dropping P off at school, Spidey and I headed to my mom's because she was going to watch him while I went to math tutoring---bleh. Math and I have been enemies this semester. A few weeks ago, I was ready to call it quits. I couldn't handle the pressure and I couldn't handle seeing my grade (63.7%) get lower and lower. I emailed my teacher and told her I'd be dropping the online class and that I'd take it this summer at the school.
Her response caught me off guard. It went something like this: "Suzanne, I'm happy to withdraw you if that's what you really want but I would love to work with you to bring that grade back up. Don't give up yet! I'm going to open chapter 3 quiz for you and I want you to try it again. Don't hesitate to ask questions if you need to and utilize the math tutoring center."
I was very hesitant. I didn't think I could do it but that email gave me hope. I knew I needed to try.
I re-took the quiz and brought my quiz grade from an F to a B. I re-did some homework and brought those grades from D's to B's. Today I went to math tutoring and got 100% on all of my homework assignments! This is huge, people! My grade is still a D but there is now a cute little + in front of it.

So I was feeling good when I went to pick up my Lil Mr from grandma's house. We came home, I signed on to Facebook before we were going to head out to the gym and I saw that my cyber-friend was having a crazy morning.
Let's back up a bit with the story of my new friend. I'd like to start by pointing out that I have 100% utilized this year's word, brave, when it comes to making this new friend. I read a blog post last month that TC had written about National Eating Disorder Awareness, which inspired me to write this post on my blog. I wanted so badly to write her a message on Facebook but hesitated because that isn't just a thing you do to people you don't know. Anyway, a few weeks later, I saw TC post on my daughter's school Facebook page and realized our kids go to school together! For some reason that made it seem less creepy so I messaged TC and gave her my life story. Just kidding---kind of.
So we became cyber bff's and planned to meet someday soon.
Flashforward to "someday soon".
Last night, TC and I were texting because I realized we are in the same stake! Is the world seeming smaller yet? I thought it was so funny that we were a teeny bit more connected than we were before.
So...today. Today TC was having a crazy day and I knew exactly what I was going to do. I FB messaged her and asked for her address and favorite snack.
She didn't respond.
I texted her and asked her for her address and favorite snack.
She didn't respond.
I threatened to look up her address if she didn't respond.
She didn't respond.
I texted her to tell her I was on my way.
She didn't respond.
(Would it be important to tell you she was painting her house so the lack of response wasn't because she thinks I'm as crazy as I actually am?)
So I got brave and showed up at her house with a bag full of different snacks.
You guys, I was so afraid she'd think I was crazy but since I felt insta-connected to TC, I hoped she wouldn't call the cops.
Don't worry, she didn't. And my bravery won me a new friend today. A real new friend.

So I left, feeling happier than happy. And it wasn't even the "service" kind of happy, it felt like a real happy. I felt like this day could be the first day of the rest of my life. Cheesy, right?
I digress...I went to the gym and kicked the crap outta my mile run. I shaved 30 whole seconds off of my run. Booyah.

This afternoon, we needed to clean the house. Really badly, we did. But the kids were oh so whiney and cranky so we started with a bike ride. I even mustered up a little bit of patience and jogged next to Spidey so I could help him with the two-wheeler he's known how to ride for 6 months but thinks is scary. He mastered it beautifully and by the end, was riding almost as well as his pro-bike-riding sister. Another booyah.
We got a little bit of cleaning done before the whining and crankiness started up again so we stopped for a dance party, including but not limited to shaking our booties, jumping on my bed, wrestling, and a crud-load of laughing. It was perfect for a minute---a minute is accurate.

So today was great and the cherry on top was posting on our neighborhood page to see if someone could grab me some conditioner if they were at the store tonight {because this girl is in serious need of a shower right now} and having a wonderful friend send her daughters to the store just to get me conditioner.

People are so freaking amazing.

Tonight I decided something that was probably already decided but was reiterated a thousand times over today.

 

This girl is going to be just fine.

Why Divorce Hasn't Changed My Views on Marriage

 Thoughts of this post have been stewing in my head for months but I knew I wanted some time to really think about how to explain myself and also, how to help others going through something similiar.

When I woke up today, it seemed like the right day to start writing this.

As a little girl, I wanted life to be a fairytale. I dreamed of that man who would sweep me off my feet and who would always be there to love and care for me. 
I just knew that someday, I would be married in the temple and life would give me that stability I had always craved. I had such a firm belief in marriage and hoped that decision would get to be a part of my life someday.
We grow up watching fairytales and wishing those same things for our life but what we aren't always taught is the good is usually intertwined with some very hard. I use the word hard as a noun here because it doesn't have one simple meaning. Hard can mean debt or loss of trust or infidelity or little arguments or death or loss of motivation or impatience, among many, many other things. No one gets to have a perfect marriage because no one is perfect. Marriage isn't always fun and it takes work, a lot of work, to figure life out together but marriage is worth it.
And why do I believe marriage is worth it?
Marriage, when both parties are committed, is beautiful. It goes beyond a serious relationship because you have vowed to stick it out, through thick and thin. Marriage is loving someone at their best and continuing to love them at their worst. Marriage is trust, a whole lot of trust. It is teachable, humbling, and can be so much fun! Most importantly, I believe marriage is ordained of God. It is a sacred bond between two people who love and respect one another. I believe God is not only forgiving, He understands when marriages fall apart. He understands why and He knows that because of certain situations, it's ok to let go. But out of all the failed marriages, that isn't the case for even half of them. God wants us to give our heart to our spouse but to also love them enough to give them our time, our respect, and our trust. It's really hard work and some days, it seems like it would be easier to be single and have more freedom but I have been in a marriage where I wanted to succeed and I have been in a marriage where I wanted to give up {If you're confused, I'm referring to the same marriage since I've only been married once}, and I will say that when two people are working hard together, marriage a beautiful experience, far outweighing the pro's of being single.
As a wife who had just celebrated her one year anniversary, I was listening to some crap radio on the way to work when they were talking about infidelity and how it is very normal to cheat on your spouse around year 7. They justified infidelity on so many levels and I was floored. I knew I couldn't just sit there and listen to a discussion on such a sacred subject without adding my own thoughts. Something inside of me told me to call the radio station and I did. I was put on the air and started explaining what I believed and why I believed it. I was in the middle of saying something when the radio host asked how long I had been married. I gave them the honest answer and they started laughing. And not only did they laugh, they remained talking about me for at least a few minutes before I turned off the station, red with embarrassment.
I had only been married a year. I had no idea what that 7 year itch was like! I had no credibility.
That day, I was saddened by the loss of faith in marriage these days. I couldn't believe that some people thought marriage wasn't all that important and that committing to someone forever was truly unrealistic.
I knew my life would be different. We would get past whatever 7 year itch they were referring to because we were strong and committed.

And then one day, about 6.5 years into our marriage, one half of our marriage decided he wanted out and let me tell you, one of the first things that flashed through my mind was that radio conversation from 6 years ago. I was angry. Actually, angry is an understatement. I couldn't believe this was going to be my life. I tried to place blame everywhere, including on myself---and I still do at times.
We had become part of that norm. Our marriage that was supposed to last forever was dissolved in a matter of days. I knew when he moved out that he wouldn't be coming back, not because him or I had made any decisions but because I had prayed for days about it.
I tried to accept it. I tried to understand that I was now part of a social norm when I didn't want to be. It was my fairytale's nightmare.

But three days after it happened, three days after sinking so low and not wanting to leave my house and crying until there were no tears left, I picked myself up and decided this wasn't some norm. This wasn't the end of my fairytale. I had decisions in this!

So I decided not to lose my faith in marriage. I decided to trust that it would be possible to be with someone for eternity.
Although it is going to take a lot to trust and a lot of work, I have faith in marriage.

 I know marriage is hard. I know it is work. And I know it is scary.

But so is letting my children leave my sight and going to school full time and planning on being brave enough to own my own practice someday.

Life is scary because we don't get to decide what choices everyone else makes. We don't get to control the world and decide who stays in our lives and who leaves.

But we do get to decide how we handle life. We get to decide what attitude we have with the situations we are given. We get to decide if we are going to take the left path or the right path.

Yes, marriage takes two people but we really only get to decide if we are all in. We can't force anyone else. We can't make them stay or make them appreciate us. All we can do is try to show them we want them to stay and show them we appreciate them. How we treat others is 100% our choice and it is imperative that we take that choice seriously. We affect others on a daily basis.

Marriage taught me so much more than I ever could have imagined. As a young 19 year old girl, I was blissfully in love and felt like the heartache from my growing up years was over. But marriage taught me to look outside myself and live for someone else. Marriage taught me things I never planned on learning.
And divorce has taught me even more.
I think what I'm realizing is that it isn't about whether you've survived a divorce. are happily in a marriage, have gone through the death of a loved one, or are living another story, every day is teachable. Every experience I go through, good and bad, has it's moments where I can choose to learn or ignore.

My marriage didn't ruin me and my divorce won't ruin me. It may take more work than I wanted to get back to where I was but nothing gets to ruin me without my say!

That pain and heartache will someday be a thing of the past and I'll look back and see how much I've grown. I'm so grateful for an eternal perspective on life. I'm grateful to know that God loves me and never abandons me. I feel Him. I know He is there when I need Him most.

I believe in marriage. I believe marriage can work. I believe any two individuals working together will make a marriage work.

It Isn't My Fault

I get really self-involved sometimes. It gets hard to see past my tunnel vision of "life". Sometimes, life seems really long and other times, it seems like I've blinked and am where I am today.

When I'm self-involved, I can feel myself spiraling downward. There is a lot of self-pity, self-doubt, and a non-existence of self-worth during this time. I doubt every move I've made and wonder what I could've done differently. I did this a lot when I was first diagnosed with infertility. I doubted my food choices, my exercise choices, my every-day-small-and-simple choices because I just knew that this was happening because of something I did. I told myself it was my fault.  

I'm not going to sit here and advocate for you to doubt yourself or tear yourself down but I will say this. Everytime I do this, I end up learning so much about myself and I usually end up with more admiration for myself in the end. It still isn't good. I still wish I could figure out how to heal without blaming myself for everything that goes wrong in my life. I wonder why I do this because when my head is on straight, I can clearly see that my trials aren't happening because I'm living life wrong. It isn't all my fault.

I can honestly say that I'm grateful for my infertility. I'm grateful for most of my trials. I learn a lot from them. I wouldn't be this certain Suzanne who is typing this without the trials that I've gone through.

Does that mean I am happy about my trials and the heartache they've cause? Nope. I think there is a big difference between loving your trials and being grateful for them. I'd do it over again to learn what I have but I wouldn't love the process. The process is hard. It's hard work trying to weed through the hard times we face in life. It's hard to have faith at all times and not to let our minds wander to the 'why's'.

But the thing is, life just isn't fair.

We look at others and envy what they have but the silliest part is that we have no idea how their journey has been to get there. And it may even seem as though their journey has been easy but who flipping cares?! God gives us what we need to learn and grow in life. He doesn't make everything equal for everyone so feeling sorry for ourselves when we're envious of others does no one any good. Actually, it just makes things worse.

I'm often self-conscious and try to tip toe around others because I don't want to come across as the loud, annoying, and sometimes crazy girl. But guess what? I am loud. I am crazy. And gosh darnit, sometimes I'm annoying. But I'm me. I know I'm also sensitive and caring and compassionate. I love laughing and making others laugh.

So my goal is to let go of my fears and really embrace my New Year's resolution for this year. There were reasons I chose the word "brave" and I want to accomplish that this year. I want to be brave enough to be myself and not worry about what other people think of me.

What matters is what I think of me and what God thinks of me.

And all of this goes for you as well. Love you. Be the real you. I can bet you'll find you're happier in doing so.

2014: Day 1

Happy New Year! It is officially January 1st, 2014.

2014 has a lot of meaning to me. It is a year of new beginnings. It is my first year being single in almost 8 years. There are a lot of fears that come with this new year.

So many words have been swirling through my head this past month. I chose faith as my word for 2013 and it ended up being the perfect word. I was almost tempted to choose it again but I decided to start with something new.

2013 was one of the most challenging and blessed years I have ever experienced.
It was the year I chose faith over fear and made some really hard decisions.
It was the year I overcame some of my biggest obstacles.
It was the year I saw a counselor probably 42 out of 52 weeks---and I couldn't be more grateful for that.
It was the year I learned how to really serve.
It was the year I was strong enough to handle 5 family pregnancy announcements and learn how to be happy for others, even when I was silently aching.
It was the year my firstborn started kindergarten!
It was also the year she started dance team.
It was the year both of my children learned how to ride two wheeler bikes.
It was the year I completed my first semester back to school---successfully!

And yes, it was the year we filed for divorce. But that's ok because I have faith. We are both respectful people and I'm lucky to be in the current situation that I'm in. I know that's hard for people who aren't me to understand but just know that we know we are blessed no matter what.

My goal for January of 2014 is to follow a 30-day writing challenge. Today's challenge was just to introduce myself. So if you are a new reader or if you just want to learn some new things about me I'll try to put some unique stats in here for you all to enjoy.

You probably know the first and foremost thing I would do when introducing myself---

---I am a mother of two. In 2014, my kids will be 6 and 5 and that just scares the living daylights outta me!

I was a dancer in my growing up years. I also played basketball as a kid---you know, until they realized I was too short. {Just kidding}
In high school, I did many different things including color guard, winterguard, dance team, concert choir, jazz choir, and I even took ice skating lessons for a little while.

I played the flute in elementary school and junior high and I took piano and voice lessons for years.

I graduated in 2006, got married in 2007, had Petey in 2008, had Spidey in 2009, was diagnosed with infertility in 2011, and we separated in 2013. Seriously. It has been a whirlwind of years since my graduation from high school. But at least it looks like we're moving on to big changes every two years instead of every year, right?

I am LDS. You'll hear more about that on one of my other writing days.

I am currently in school to become a marriage and family therapist and I am fearful and excited for the years ahead of me.

I've lived in 3 different places my entire life---all within 15 minutes of each other. The first was my house growing up, the second was the apartment we lived in for 10 months after getting married, and the third is the house I currently live in and we've now lived here for 6 years {minus two months}. Can you see how much I'm not a fan of change? Maybe someday I'll be more adventurous and move 30 minutes away. ;)

I have ten thousand sarcastic bones in my body.

And I also love to make others laugh---with me, not at me.


Ok, so have you heard enough? I think that's about all I have for today.

Wait, what? You are wondering what my 2014 word is? Oh yeah---I forgot.


2014 is definitely a year of new beginnings. It is a year I find myself again and reclaim a separate identity from married life, from mommy life, etc. It is the year I learn to be brave.

Bravery might seem like one of my strengths because it's easier to be brave when I'm surrounded by people that buoy me up. But I want to learn bravery on a whole new level this year.

I want to be brave enough to push forward in school.
I want to be brave enough to be alone.
I want to be brave enough to push past my comfort zone.
I want to be brave enough to share my testimony.
I want to be brave enough to serve in any situation.

So this year, I will focus on being brave.

Here's to 2014. I pray this year is full of miracles, happiness, and strength for all of you.