Beautiful Heartbreak

When I was diagnosed with infertility in August of 2011, my world seemed to come crashing down. It was on that day, August 17th, that I found fear knocking on my front door.
I spent those first two months crying most of the time and shutting myself off from my friends and family. I didn't know how to be around anyone without feeling so incredibly awkward.

My mom, sisters and I headed off to Time Out for Women after one of my really hard weeks. {I blogged about that here.} I wasn't sure what I would get out of it. I wasn't sure I wanted to be there and have to see people and fake a smile.

It was at that conference, in November of 2011, that I heard Hilary Week's new song, Beautiful Heartbreak. I remember watching the video and sobbing uncontrollably next to my sister. I had already learned about the beauty of infertility. The friendships I made, the empathy and compassion I learned---in only two months, although I was struggling so much and prayed daily for another child, I knew deep down in my heart that my trial was filled with so much beauty.

Beautiful heartbreak.

Those words would genuinely become my mantra for the next 3+ years.

As each trial would hit {oddly enough it was every August for three years straight}, I would go through a period of grieving and pain but almost immediately, I could also pick out the beauty involved.

I would listen to that Hilary Weeks song on repeat, laying in bed, feeling so heartbroken and alone. I would pray that God would show me a glimpse of the beauty ahead and each time, He would. Sometimes there was so much beauty that it confused me.

I thought going through a divorce couldn't involve so much beauty mixed in with the heartache. But it could and it did.

For the past few years, my sisters and I have been trying to find a feasible way to record a cd for my parents. My mom had asked for one in the past but between finances and time, we couldn't make it happen.

This year, we decided to push forward and make it happen. At times, it didn't seem like we would get it done. It took a while to find a studio within our budget and since we have a sister who lives in Virginia, scheduling was a little tricky.

But we did it. We each recorded a solo, a duet with a sister, and 2 songs with all four of us---and a bonus track of a song we sang with my brother.

The day I went in to record all of my songs, I wasn't really that nervous. I felt good about the song I had picked and was excited to sing the other songs I'd be recording.

The first song went well. The second, third, and fourth songs I recorded went well. And then it was time for my solo. I had practiced for weeks and knew I could do it well but the second I got in the booth, my heart started pounding. I don't think it was really nerves---just emotions. I knew this song was perfect for me. I had known that for years. I wanted it to be perfectly sung but instead, it was perfectly felt.

Every time I listen to it, I remember what it felt like to sing it that day. It means so much to me to have this recording forever. It means so much to me to have the entire cd of recordings. They are all beautiful.

But this one contains more than beauty. It represents a huge part of my journey.

And although my journey is far from over, I am grateful for the beauty I have been able to witness in my life up to this point.


Some of my favorite posts about my beautiful heartbreaks:
The Tornado
My Messy Beautiful
No One is Youer than You
Bravery
Fearfully, Faithfully, Beautifully

The Tornado

She shakes, anticipating the outcome. It is here. The tornado has arrived. Her legs quiver with each sign of lightning. The earth beneath her cracks and the sky is full of grey.

Life as she knows it is over. Everything she has trusted to keep her grounded is now uprooted. The steps she will take will determine parts of her outcome but it is not all up to her. Forces cause her to tremble, to fall, to move in directions she never planned on going.

She runs. She walks. She crawls if she has to. Determined not to let this hell engulf every part of her, she continues on her journey. She will make it. She has to make it.

The only other choice is to give up but she is a warrior.

Her army rallies around her. They can see that she is struggling to find a path around the tornado and she needs their help. And help, they will. They have been there before. They know what this tornado feels like and they know how to find a way. They provide her with flashlights, food, a first-aid kit, and water so she is prepared to make her journey.

She is never alone. Some days, she stands tall. Other days, she lays down on the ground. The tornado lasts longer than anything she has ever experienced. She wonders when it will end. She wonders how it will end.

Can her marriage survive? Will her children survive? Does her soul survive?

She braces for the storm and she prays. With everything she has, she prays that she is strong enough to handle the outcome.

Suddenly, the tornado has wrapped around her. She couldn't get past it, no matter how hard she tried. In the middle of the tornado, she remembers all of the hurtful things her husband has done and said, all of the insecurities she has about herself, and all of the ways she has failed as a mother. She falls to the ground and tries to come to grips with her ending. This must be how it ends. Nothing this painful can possibly be endured by one person.

But when she looks up, she finds her warrior sisters fighting to make their way to the middle of the tornado. They have come to be with her. They realize they cannot rescue her. They cannot pull her from the middle of the tornado. But they can wait with her until it is all over. They can make sure she isn't alone.

The storm finally ends. She is bleeding but not completely broken. Her arms are filled with cuts and bruises and her heart is still aching. Her sisters gather her in their arms and help to heal her. The process is slow. She doesn't fully believe she can ever be healed from the trauma of her tornado. But she lets them in anyway.

She trusts her warrior sisters, for they have been there when no one else would come. They have taken on her heartache and empathized with her pain. They have given her tools she couldn't find on her own.

She used to look at tornados and wonder how anyone was able to survive them but now she knows. She has done it. She has survived the very thing she thought was unsurvivable.

She will make it. There may be other storms that come her way but she will make it.

She is a warrior.

The Gray Area of Heartache

I come here tonight as a broken piece of a puzzle. I come here to let you know that trials don't just magically disappear. They just don't.

I used to look around at a room full of people and peg which trials should be dealt with progressively and which ones would just be easy to get over. I used to judge based on the trials I had been through---eating disorder, rocky relationship with my family, fake friendships, bad decisions, loneliness, judgment from church members---and feel like I knew so much about the world. Because I had been through so much. (Ha!)

I used to think that I was so very mature for my age. I believed in my capabilities. I believed in my uniqueness. I loved it when people would compliment me on my choices. I thrived on praise.

But I never fully felt like I was enough. Praise would keep me going for weeks, sometimes months, but it wasn't something that stuck. Because I didn't believe in myself as a whole person. I believed in bits and pieces but I didn't fully trust myself to make decisions that were smart and worthy.

I married a man who didn't recognize all of the potential inside of me. Although that isn't my battle, it felt like my battle. It felt like a lifetime of disappointments all leading up to that particular day on August 24th, 2013. I felt like that was my grand failure moment. His choices caused me to second guess decisions I had made for the past seven years of my life.

My brain sometimes reels with the things I could've done differently. But that does nothing for me.

I guess tonight, I just come here to tell you that I am no longer a judge. I can look at a room full of people and I can understand why their trials are still causing them pain. Just getting over it isn't as easy as it seems to be from the outside looking in. Life will throw you on the ground and stomp on you and it's ok to lay there for a while. It's ok to stare into the sky and cry out and yell or scream. It's ok to punch your pillow and to not be ok with the things that are happening. It's scary to feel like you are not in control of the things happening in your life. It is just downright scary.

You aren't alone in this world. I have felt so many moments of loneliness in my life. One of my most reoccuring trials has been loneliness for one reason or another. It's something I've dealt with a lot. I thrive on the company and support from others. And when it isn't present, I don't always deal with it well. Satan tries to prove to me how lonely I am right now and it's hard to shut him out. I haven't been a very good friend to some of the most important people in my life because I've been struggling all month. I'm sure I've coined this before but this has seemed to be the hardest month so far. It has been a grueling path full of ups and downs. I need to just stop convincing myself it can't get harder---because apparently, it can!

Nine months later, I'm not better. Actually, there are still things I'm learning to recognize as triggers and painful heartaches. There are still things that surprise me throughout this journey that bring me back to square one. I am in the process of learning how to be a single me and quite frankly, I'm exhausted.

When you've been through a traumatic event, you almost instantly realize how uncertain life can be. You can see why controlling people are on the fritz when their lives make sudden changes. It makes you feel crazy and scared and you do everything you can to control the things in your life that are actually in your control.
You kinda just go crazy---minus the "kinda".

I've learned a lot on this journey but so many things, I have yet to learn. I know there are reasons but I also know these things happened because of the decisions of imperfect human beings. This isn't something God placed in my lap. This happened because we have free agency.

I pray for those of you who feel alone tonight. I pray for those of you who feel heartache and pain and are feeling hopeless. I have faith that life gets better. I have faith that God doesn't ever abandon us.

You can do this because you are strong.

A Fearful, Fighting Warrior: My Messy Beautiful

One of the reasons I blog is because I like free therapy. Really, who doesn't?
So today is all about the real in my life right this very minute on this very day.

My name is Suzanne and I fight fear.

Seven years ago, I entered into a commitment that was supposed to last forever. In my mind, it really was going to last forever. That seven year anniversary is coming up next week and yet, six weeks ago, that commitment was dissolved. I thought I would never have to search for love again but here I am, feeling empty handed of the love I once had. I fear being loved.

I was once a little girl who felt judged. I am now an adult who feels judged every day. It doesn't matter if people are actually judging me, I over-analyze every move I make because I'm just certain someone is going to be unhappy with what I say or do. I fear judgment from others and the judgment I receive from myself.


I had have an eating disorder. I always will. Truthfully, it's something I've struggled with since I was 14 but eating disorders don't just up and walk away from your life {I wish they did}. I fear telling you all that because I'm overweight and that just seems ironic. I fear telling you that because I am scared you'll think I'm unstable. I'm not. Well, sometimes I am but it has nothing to do with my eating disorder. Eating disorders are something I want to fight against. Being so personally affected is one of the main reasons I keep choosing to write my English essays on body image or eating disorders. I fear my own body image.

The reason I said I fight fear is because every day, every dang day, I fight these fears. I don't always succeed but I fight.

Throughout my life, dealing with loss, infertility, divorce, shame, etc., I've learned that there are always two roads I can take. Always. I always end up with a choice.

Isn't that a brutiful thing? Sure, it's scary. Sure, I'd like someone to make choices for me once in a while. I ask my therapist to make my choices for me all of the time! Just ask her. Oh wait, I'm kidding. Don't ask her. You don't know her...do you?

Because I was born feisty, I was born with an innate sense to FIGHT for myself. As a teenager, I thought fighting for myself meant defying anything anyone told me because they had no clue. I've heard this referred to as the "eff you teenager" phase. That statement is truer than true for me and reflects a lot of the feelings I've been stuck with. You know, those hard feelings that aren't always surfaced without a lot of work.

So here's what I've learned:

The hard feelings are the ones worth surfacing. The hard feelings make me who I am. They explain my fear and they explain my fight.

I have been betrayed before and I will feel betrayed again before my life is over but I am a single mom with a fighting chance. I choose to fight and fight and fight because life is worth a fight. Life is worth the relief I feel for 5 minutes before the next fight tries to knock me down.

My life is messy. My life is beautiful. My life is beautifully messy.

I like to refer to my life as "icky sticky". I often feel like I'm trudging through honey or peanut butter or maybe even Nutella {who doesn't love a little Nutella?} and I pick those particular foods because they're
sticky and yummy. I pick those foods to explain my feelings on "icky sticky-ness" because everytime life gets "icky stick" {Am I over-using that phrase?}, I learn. I grow. I get stronger. And it ends up feeling a little sweeter and a little better than before it started. Heartbreak becomes beautiful when you choose to learn and grow and have empathy and compassion.

I've learned that life isn't about perfection. Ok, fine, maybe I'm still pretty obsessed with being perfect and maybe I still struggle to find a balance between my fears and my faith but I'm fighting!

This girl is a fighter. This girl has found strength in the BRUTIFUL life she's been given. This girl is WEIRD for posting that picture twice on her blog but she's trying to accept the weird because there are a lot of cool things about this girl.
This girl is grateful for life and love and trials and hard days and wonderful days because they all intertwine to create a beautifully messy life.

This post was inspiringly written for the Beautiful Messy series on Momastery.

It Isn't My Fault

I get really self-involved sometimes. It gets hard to see past my tunnel vision of "life". Sometimes, life seems really long and other times, it seems like I've blinked and am where I am today.

When I'm self-involved, I can feel myself spiraling downward. There is a lot of self-pity, self-doubt, and a non-existence of self-worth during this time. I doubt every move I've made and wonder what I could've done differently. I did this a lot when I was first diagnosed with infertility. I doubted my food choices, my exercise choices, my every-day-small-and-simple choices because I just knew that this was happening because of something I did. I told myself it was my fault.  

I'm not going to sit here and advocate for you to doubt yourself or tear yourself down but I will say this. Everytime I do this, I end up learning so much about myself and I usually end up with more admiration for myself in the end. It still isn't good. I still wish I could figure out how to heal without blaming myself for everything that goes wrong in my life. I wonder why I do this because when my head is on straight, I can clearly see that my trials aren't happening because I'm living life wrong. It isn't all my fault.

I can honestly say that I'm grateful for my infertility. I'm grateful for most of my trials. I learn a lot from them. I wouldn't be this certain Suzanne who is typing this without the trials that I've gone through.

Does that mean I am happy about my trials and the heartache they've cause? Nope. I think there is a big difference between loving your trials and being grateful for them. I'd do it over again to learn what I have but I wouldn't love the process. The process is hard. It's hard work trying to weed through the hard times we face in life. It's hard to have faith at all times and not to let our minds wander to the 'why's'.

But the thing is, life just isn't fair.

We look at others and envy what they have but the silliest part is that we have no idea how their journey has been to get there. And it may even seem as though their journey has been easy but who flipping cares?! God gives us what we need to learn and grow in life. He doesn't make everything equal for everyone so feeling sorry for ourselves when we're envious of others does no one any good. Actually, it just makes things worse.

I'm often self-conscious and try to tip toe around others because I don't want to come across as the loud, annoying, and sometimes crazy girl. But guess what? I am loud. I am crazy. And gosh darnit, sometimes I'm annoying. But I'm me. I know I'm also sensitive and caring and compassionate. I love laughing and making others laugh.

So my goal is to let go of my fears and really embrace my New Year's resolution for this year. There were reasons I chose the word "brave" and I want to accomplish that this year. I want to be brave enough to be myself and not worry about what other people think of me.

What matters is what I think of me and what God thinks of me.

And all of this goes for you as well. Love you. Be the real you. I can bet you'll find you're happier in doing so.

Helping with Heartache

 I've been learning a lot about myself lately---things I never would've thought of without the help of another person. I'm incredibly grateful to be able to receive help in so many different forms from so many different people.

I know I've mentioned that I still get lonely, even when I know I'm surrounded by some of the most loving people. The thing is, I recognize how much people love me but it's hard to understand that until I learn to love me like they love me.

I struggle---a lot---with beauty and what defines beauty. I find myself looking at the world's definition of beauty and thinking I need to fit that mold but ironically, I've never been one who liked fitting into molds.

I've been marching to the beat of my own drum since I was a kid so I hate that I let myself believe I'm not good enough as is. I grew up very proud of who I was and what I was becoming and yet, I like the girl I am now better than the girl I was then. So why do I struggle?

Why do any of us struggle? Why are we so much harder on ourselves than we are on others?

Blogging is so therapeutic and yet, so weird at the same time. I often get asked by people what they can do for me and how they can help me. The answer is simple: you can't fix this. I know it sounds harsh but there are no magical potions or puzzle pieces you can place that will fix how I feel. That's the truth with all people that struggle.

But if you want to help someone you love, I'd be hapy to give you my two cents on what helps and what doesn't help.

*You can pray. Prayer is real and it works. Praying for someone you love and know is struggling will help them.
*Be available when you can but don't be there when you can't. Your friend may need you but they don't need to be taking you away from your own needs and families. I like to rotate friends when I feel I need someone because I don't want to burn anyone out. It's hard to hear negative things or have to help someone who is emotional and that's ok to not be able to do it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It doesn't mean you don't love your friends. When you can't be with them, pray for them. :)
*Listen. When you have a friend who needs to talk, they know you can't fix their problems but it is always helpful to have someone who will listen. Often times, advice doesn't help because advice is very opinionated and ends up making the person feel worse. One of my least favorite things to hear when going through infertility was "Just relax and it'll happen" as if relaxing could magically cure the diagnosis my doctor had given me. I knew those people were trying to help but it always made me feel like if there was something I could be doing that I wasn't doing, I must be pretty dumb. It never helped me feel better and trust me, relaxing didn't get me pregnant so...
*Pray some more for them.
*Don't judge them. It's hard enough being the friend who wants to trust someone with their heartache but it's even harder when you're worried that you'll be judged for your feelings. People need love, a lot of love, and judging them for their struggles does no good for either one of you.

I'm trying to be more real so I'm not going to sit here and tell you I love myself today and am done aching and worrying and crying. I'm not. And though I wish someone would just tell me the time frame I'm looking at with this, that just isn't going to happen.

But I will say this---I have faith that it is going to get better. Maybe not today, tomorrow, or even this month but I have faith that in time, everything is going to be just fine. And I hold onto that faith with a very strong grip because it's the only thing getting me through right now.

I may not want to talk and I may want to. That's the reality of heartache. Some days, I'm open and other days, it's all inside because I need a moment to pretend I don't feel this way. So I'm sorry if I'm confusing. I'm just trying to figure this all out.

In the meantime, goofing off with some of my favorite children {neither pictured are my own} keeps me sane. I'm so thankful for the people God has place in my life, including the littles He has placed in my life. Have I mentioned that lately?

Beautiful Heartbreak

I had an amazing weekend with my sisters and mom.

(The closest photo I was willing to take with Brad Wilcox(He's in the blue shirt, yellow tie). I felt bad bugging him just for a picture and when my mom took this picture, I was laughing too hard.)

But the week before was really hard. Most nights, I felt depressed and alone...besides my wonderful husband, that is. I can feel myself growing further apart from close friends and working full time is not helping that. I would come home to a dirty house, exhausted husband, and kids that still needed my love and attention. Of course, I was also exhausted, having just worked for 8 hours. I am not sure why this experience is so much harder than my experience of coming back to work in July. Everything just seems harder.

I really feel like I've been trying. I want to be positive and happy but I can't seem to find either of those feelings for very long each day. I want to blog and tell you about how I've been working hard to become a nurturer (since I still haven't posted an update about my 'Mothers Who Know Are Nuturers' post) but really, I think I've been getting worse than my normal, homemaking self. At least before, I cooked a couple times a week and kept the house clean almost every day.


I know they need me. And what I learned this weekend was that family matters most. My children matter most. To dwell on the best friends that come and go or the things we cannot purchase all becomes unimportant when thinking about eternity. I realized this weekend that my husband is my best friend. I may not have a girl best friend but he tries harder tI o love and care for me than anybody else in the world. Why do I not give him enough credit? Why am I constantly feeling like I need more from him when, after taking a step back, I realize he is doing everything that he can?
I am so loved.

If you have some time, please watch thise video from Hilary Weeks. She showed us the music video this weekend during Time Out for Women and I cried through the whole thing.

I may have heartbreak but I can already see the effects of it changing my life and I am grateful for it's beauty. I pray for others going through fertility, not just myself. I often hope that my friends dealing with infertility can get pregnant, and I often hope that it's before I do. As weird as this sounds, I am grateful that my journey so far is teaching me to love others and to think about them, before thinking of myself. I am already grateful for my PCOS...I just wish that since I've learned from it, Heavenly Father would take it back away from me. :) But you know, that isn't how it works and I know He will always be there to lift me up when I am weak.

And that's how Suze sees it.