Achingly, Beautifully Hard

Sometimes even when life seems easy, it still feels hard.

Achingly, beautifully hard. 

And I used to think that during these times, I was supposed to fight the feelings and pretend that it didn't feel hard.

I now know that that is not the case---I am allowed to feel like life is hard, like it is a never-ending case of bad news and failure.
I am allowed to see the darkness and acknowledge that there are some pretty rotten things in our world.

It is ok to recognize the bad and label it as such.

But recognizing the bad doesn't mean we forget about the good. It doesn't mean that hope is nonexistent.

So today feels bad. It feels like a day I am not strong enough to get through. It feels like a day where everyone is laughing at me behind my back and wondering why I'm making such a fool of myself.

It feels hopeless. 

But somewhere inside of me, there is a glimmer of fragile hope, a reminder that this day isn't the only day of my life.

Twenty-six months of being on my own---stressing about dating---realizing I can't change other people---changing a lot of things about myself.
I couldn't have looked back to twenty-six months ago and seen what I am currently seeing. I couldn't have even guessed the questions and the faith changes and the solidifying peace mixed with sheer terror.

Peace and terror. 

Many people have told me these things can't go hand in hand. They've told me that if I'm questioning my faith and feeling anxious or doubtful, I am not following God. I understand why you would think that but if only in my case alone, I know that isn't the truth.

Truth and fear can co-exist. 

Because quite honestly, either way I go, there are fears. Either path I choose, there will be feelings of anxiety.

I am finding myself and today, that sounds heavy and way too hard.
It surely doesn't sound fun.
It most assuredly isn't something I picked.
But it is something I am doing for me.

I got another year older last week and I have a good feeling about this year. I have a feeling that I am capable of enduring the dark days and basking in the glow of the sunny days.

It isn't a bad life---just a bad day.
And today, that is ok with me. I am grateful for days like today because they remind me that I am a warrior. I am a woman who loves deeply and aches deeply. I am a fighter who is capable of seeing the good even on the worst of days.

I can do hard things---and I will.

Happy Birthday to Me

 "There's no one alive who is youer than you."

A month ago, I was trying to come up with ideas for my birthday post. I wanted something different and more vulnerable than the things I normally post---and might I add that I feel like I post a decent amount of vulnerability here.

When I woke up that morning, the only thing that seemed to fit was to thank God that I have been allowed 27 years of learning and growing on this earth. Whether 27 sounds old or young to you, it is such beautiful thing that 27 has brought me to this particular point in my life.

With 27 years of bravery under my belt, I realize just how many incredible things I can do.

A few months ago, I was working hard to get my ariel. I know, weird, right? I used to be able to tumble back and forth but never in my life had I successfully done an ariel. I decided 27 is going to be the year. So there you have it. Sometime this year, I'm going to be able to do an ariel. Impossible is not really a word I believe in.

Twenty-six was a huge testing year for me and I'm ok with that. Without this past year, I wouldn't be the Suzanne that I am.

Although there has been pain, I have gained confidence in my ability to be a single mother, a working mom, a student, and a good person. I am proud of who I am. I am proud of the things I have done.

I've hated myself a lot of this year. I remember days where looking in the mirror and seeing any kind of beauty seemed impossible. I remember thinking I'd never love myself or be loved again. I remember looking at my stretch marks and all of my imperfections from having kids and wondering how anyone would choose to marry someone like me.

But this year, I've learned that whoever ends up with me will be lucky because I have worth. For every negative thing that can be said about me, there are ten positive things to counteract it. I have the ability to love and be loved. I was a good wife. I will be a good wife again someday.

I am doing the very best that I can and that's what matters.

The other day, I was at the doctor's office and I had to be weighed. You guys, I was panicking! I have not weighed myself since I started eating disorder recovery because I'm working so hard to see my worth without a number attached.
Anyway, I saw my weight. Hmm. Ten pounds heavier than a few months ago.
A few months ago, that would've sent me into a spiral. But a few days ago, it didn't. Instead, I was grateful. I was grateful what that ten pounds represented. It represents strength and recovery and health and happiness. It represents becoming whole again.
I was surprised at my own reaction. I was surprised that any amount of compassion was able to be focused from me to me.

I was able to see straight through that number and find beauty. I was able to love the person that I am right now instead of panicking and wanting to change everything about her.

I'm a warrior. I've said that a lot this year. Sometimes I've believed it and sometimes I've said it because I wanted to believe it.
Today I believe it.

Instead of fearing the future, I plan on punching fear in the face and showing life what I'm made of.

So for my birthday post---a month late---I wanted to share a side of me that you may not see very often. I love music. In fact, music is definitely in the Top 5 of things that helped me through divorce. So many times I would be driving and crying and a song would come on the radio that comforted me and reminded me that I am going to make it.

In some of my darkest hours, the place where I turned for peace remained the same.

About A Boy

 I feel kind of bad that I slacked on the birthday posts this year. I'm usually blogging about my kids' bithdays the day after it happens because I'm so darn excited to talk about how special they are.

But work...and school...and being a single mom...and getting sick...you know, life happens!

So my Ninja boy turned FIVE! Have I mentioned he's my BABY?! And he's FIVE?!

It's true...

{Also I never mentioned I changed my kids' names on the blog. But I did. I let them pick because this is a blog about bravery and strength and my kids emulate that every day of their lives. So Spidey's name is now Ninja.}

Ninja is my favorite boy in the whole entire world.

He learned to crawl at 6 months old but refused to walk until he was 14 months old.

 He was born a climber. He could climb on my kitchen table at 9 months old. Hello, heart attacks!

 Ninja was a tiny baby. He was full term but weighed only 6 lbs 6 oz.

 That "small" thing changed quickly. At 2 months, he was over 12 pounds and by 6 months, he was close to 20 pounds. He was the squishiest baby and I loved to squeeze his arms and legs.

Around age 2, his chub turned back into teeny tiny and he's stayed there ever since. At his four year doctor's appointment, he was in the 4% for height and 6% for weight but this year, at his FIVE year check up, he went up to the 8% in height and 20% for weight. A small victory for a small boy. :)

Ninja is "the baby" and I guess I'm realizing I did that to him. He is my snuggly boy and I've let him get away with acting younger than he is. It's a HARD habit to kick but we are working on teaching him he is capable of chores and big boy talking and all that jazz.

 Ninja is a momma's boy. I love it. Lots of people told me I would LOVE having a boy because he would be a momma's boy but I didn't quite get it until he was born...and then I've loved every second of it. He has such a sweet heart and is so good at showing me he loves me.

 This FIVE year old is so quirky. His red hair and freckles are perfect for him because he is so silly and he love to be the center of attention.

He is a firecracker and often says the most random things.

 At FIVE years old, Ninja can write the first letter of his 8-letter name, he loves drawing pictures but usually they're scribbles, and he loves loves loves video games and Netflix.

Ninja is really intelligent and he learns things really well but if he doesn't want to learn it, he just won't do it. He likes to tell people, "I am in charge of me." and that is so true! It's something I've taught him over and over again. But he kinda uses that sentence to his advantage when he doesn't want to do things. {Sneaky boy...}

My ninja boy really thinks he's a ninja. That's why he picked that name. He is often found karate chopping the air or run at "super speed" around the house. Active is kind of an understatement when describing this boy. He is FULL of energy.

We had a great birthday for Ninja this year. It was so much fun going to Castles N Coasters and spending the day doing things he wanted to do. I look back on the past FIVE years with this boy and I can't imagine life without him. He has been such a blessing for me. He has snuggled up to me on my hardest days and made me laugh when I needed to laugh.

I am the luckiest mom in the world to have this little guy in my life.

Her 6th Birthday

 Petey turned 6 yesterday.
Yes, you read that right...SIX! I can hardly believe that my baby girl graduated from kindergarten and just continues to get older. I keep telling her to slow down.

Yesterday, her dad spent most of the day with her so I got to see her for her class party (The most awesome part about having your birthday on the last day of school is that they have a party for you---or at least that what it feels like.) and then we went out to dinner before her dress rehearsal for dance.

 She loved eating at Joe's Farm Grill (free birthday food!). And that face, oh my goodness THAT FACE. She has quite the little personality and I love her so much.

 She really looks so much older already. I know---impossible, right? I am just getting used to the fact that it has been six years since I became a mother. This girl is my life! I love her so much!

I love Petey's attitude. She is such a helper. She is a very selfless 6 year old and loves making other people happy.

Petey is emotional. She is very dramatic and although this gets hard for me to keep my patience sometimes, I wouldn't change it because this girl feels. She feels the good and the bad and I love that she is sensitive.

Since today was Petey's last dance recital for the year, I have been thinking back to this time last year, when she was anxiously awaiting try outs to see if she could make the dance team. I remember those days like they were yesterday and now she has finished a whole year and learned SO much!

 Petey has a gorgeous smile. I love seeing the twinkle in her blue eyes when she is really happy about something. I love seeing her giggle when she plays jokes on her brother or I. She is a pretty funny kid.

Petey is a little princess. She loves to do girly things. She loves getting her nails done, wearing lip gloss, and PINK. She loves Hello Kitty, Minnie Mouse, Tinkerbell, and My Little Pony. Right now, her favorite movie is Teen Beach Movie. We watch it once a day... {don't judge...}

Petey loves to tumble. She is always working on new tricks and every time the tv is on and I walk in the room, she is in some contortionist position. She almost never stops moving.

Petey is still an eater. My goodness, she is always hungry! She eats the most out of anyone in our house and it cracks me up.

Petey is on the verge of reading fluently. She still has to sound things out but it's a lot faster than it used to be. She can figure out almot any word she looks at.

Petey loves chewing gum! Seriously. She asks for gum all of the time! And she will chew it for hours if I don't make her spit it out.

I love my six year old so much. I can't imagine life without Petey in it. She keeps me going when I'm ready to quit. She is my helper and my buddy. I'm so glad she is on summer break because I love having her around.

Happy birthday, baby girl!!!

Happy Half Birthday To ME!

 Exactly seven years ago, I was doing this.

Yes, I got married on my half birthday. I loved it that way. I loved having a reason to celebrate something really special exactly 6 months before my birthday each year.

This year, I decided I needed to focus on my half birthday and what this day can now mean to me. Because really, 26 1/2 is such a big deal.

So I ran in the Blacklight Run on Saturday.

 And my goodness, I'm still finding colored powdered in my hair after 2 showers.

 But it was worth it to be with so many of my amazing friends---and ALL of their husbands. Not awkward at all, right? Ok, it actually wasn't. They must be really amazing. Also, I'm a spaz and it looks like I'm photobombing. I promise this is really my group. :)

Then yesterday, I got an opportunity to spend 1.5 hours alone in my car while driving to Tucson to get my kids and it was perfect. I'm serious. I had so much time to think and sort through some things and pray and belt out really awesome songs.

And I wore two of my favorite pendants yesterday, each representing a very special time in my life.

The weekend was good. Today will be good. I have a good life.

2014: Day 18

Day 18: My favorite birthday.

This post will also be short because I feel like I just posted about this! Oh yeah, two months ago I did.

Who would've thought that this past year, the number 26 would be celebrated with the most selfless, caring friends of mine?

I feel like it was better than a surprise party. It was a day filled with little surprises and wonderful friends.

Some friends took me out to lunch and secretly unlocked my back door before we left so another friend could come clean my entire house.

It was big. It may not sound big but it was big.

The incredible amount of love I felt on my birthday this past year was an indescribable feeling. It should've been my worst birthday. In fact, I was gearing up for it to be my worst birthday. I was alone so naturally, I expected to feel alone on my birthday.

But that day and so many others these past 5 months, I've felt anything but alone.

26 was my favorite birthday because of the people who love me. I hope I'm making a difference in someone's life like they constantly are in mine.

The Babes Turns 4!

 My BABY turned 4 this past Monday. I can't believe it. He is not supposed to grow up so fast.

Lucky for him, he got to have his first 'friend' birthday party this year. He decided he wanted a superhero party but he wanted it at the zoo. Done and done!

My sister was an awesome helper and drove half of the kids in her van and I took the other half.

 Petey was so excited that I found a girl Spiderman costume that I had bought last year after Halloween for $1.

 The kids decided instead of walking around that they wanted to ride the train so they'd have the opportunity to see more animals in the amount of time we had.

 Then we met up with my mom and my nephews for cupcakes and presents.

 Doesn't that blue face look adorable!?

 Present opening time was a favorite for my boy.

 He was spoiled with toys beyond toys.

 After the party, we headed to Famous Dave's because the birthday boy gets a free meal AND free ice cream sundae.

 Then we drove to Toys'R'Us to use his gift card and get his birthday crown.

 Last but certainly not least, we had dinner at my parents' house and we sang happy birthday to Spidey and my little niece.

What a wonderful day for a wonderful little boy! My Spidey lights up my life!!! He is so active and yet so sweet. I love that little boy so incredibly much and am so grateful that he'll always be mine.

Sweety Pie

 If it's even possible, this blog might be all 'Petey-ed' out after the birthday and dance posts but I never posted the cute pictures I took of my girl right before she turned 5.

I love this girl so much. She is a hard worker and my little helper.

 She stretches daily and wants to be super flexible.

 She has successfully learned a bridge between ages 4 and 5.

 I love when I capture real smiles like this one.

 I love how girly she is.

 I also love how much she loves The Avengers and Ben 10 on Netflix.

 I love when she scrunches her nose.

 I love when she remembers to point her toes.

 I love her sass because it shows that she is my daughter.

 I love her little girl voice.

 I love how much she looks like her daddy and her mommy combined.

 I love that she is caring and kind to her friends.

 {Again}, I love her scrunched up nose.

 I honestly cannot believe it's been 5 years since she made me a mother.

She is the most beautiful, talented, loving, and silly little girl that I have ever met.

Papa named her 'Petey Swy' because he switched up the letters in 'Sweety Pie'. She truly is a sweety pie and anyone who is lucky enough to meet her knows it.