Trials and Attaining Happiness

 I deal with trials in many different ways. There is usually a numbing point where I don't want to feel what is happening to my heart. The first time I really noticed this was when I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. The thought of infertility was so scary to me and I had a hard time processing all of the things I was feeling. I wish I would've gone to see a counselor back then. I imagine it would've helped me cope with my feelings.

There were trials before infertility. I had even suffered a miscarriage in the beginning of my marriage. And yet, no other trial before infertility stood out in my life the way that one did. I grieved. I was angry. I was depressed. I was confused. It was the hardest thing I had delt with in my life at the time.

Last month when things in my life got insecure again, I looked toward Heaven and just cried. I cried for 3 days straight. People would ask how I was and that would make me cry. I'd be listening to the radio and that would make me cry. But after 3 days, I stopped. Cold turkey. I started telling people that I must've just not had any more tears left but in reality, the numbness was starting to set in. I knew it was going to take years to get back what I had lost and I couldn't fathom that and so I went numb to protect my heart.
There have been times of anger and confusion. There have been days where I still cry. There have been countless days that I've felt alone even when I'm surrounded by wonderful people. It was as if the doubts I'd had during my 'infertility grief' were all coming back. I started to think that NO ONE could completely understand what I'm going through. Even though people were being nice and so so so helpful, they hadn't experienced what I experienced. Sometimes, talking helped. Other times, I just felt worse afterward. Everyone had advice. Everyone's advice was different. Some people told me I'd done enough while others told me to work harder to save things. I was so confused.

And then I remembered a huge lesson I'd learned during my infertility. There is one person who understands exactly what I am going through. Jesus Christ suffered for me personally. He knows exactly what I am feeling. I remembered that trusting in Him would help me through this. I know it will. It still sucks right now, plain and simple. I'm extremely worried about my children. I'm worried for their present and I'm worried for their future.

But trusting in God will help me to keep going. Attaining happiness is absolutely possible no matter what. It is not something we are just given or something that only happens when everything in our lives are good. Happiness can be found amidst some of the darkest times. For me, that happiness comes through knowing I am a child of God. I always have been. I always will be. The comfort that eternal purpose gives me is greater than anything in the entire world. Nothing compares to knowing that no matter what trials I'm faced with, I can always rely on my Heavenly Father. He always listens and He understands what I'm dealing with. He knows the time frame of my trial and why I need the strength I'm being taught to have.

Last month, I was so angry that my trials seem to have just gotten worse after my infertility 2.5 years ago. There haven't been very many breathers in there. And yet, I can see God's hand in my life everywhere these past few years. I have never been deserted by Him and I'm so glad that I can recognize that.
I can promise you that in your darkest hours, God is still with you. Let Him in. Let Him comfort you. Open your heart to his love.
You are a child of God.

The Princess and her Queen

My Petey is strong willed. It has been a long time since I've experienced what I experienced as her mother last night...like at least a year, maybe even two.

Ever since she was a baby, that girl has had a mind of her own. The five year old phase has been my least favorite and most favorite so far. Confused? I am too. My little girl is testing that five year old brain of hers and seeing how much she can get away with. Her attitude is feisty, her tone is often disrespectful, and she has a newfound love of the word no. On the other hand, when she is sweet, she is the sweetest and most helpful little girl I've ever met.

So back to last night. I don't quite remember what she had said or done but it was enough to earn her an early bedtime. As she was crying, screaming, wailing, and throwing toys at her door {which all seemed vaguely like my own childhood tantrums}, I prayed to know what to do. Her dad had had enough, her brother was now trying to sleep, and I couldn't figure out the best way to approach the situation. In my earlier parenting years, I would've ignored all of her actions no. matter. what. but for some reason, my heart tugged because of the things she was saying.

When I decided to go into the room of the tantrum-throwing little girl, she was full of tears and said to me, "I just feel like no one is being nice to me and I feel so empty inside." We layed down for quite some time together and I had the opportunity to pour my motherly heart out to that sweet child of mine. I tried my best to explain why we do what we do and how her actions have consequences. After a long talk and lots of hugs and kisses, she fell asleep almost instantly when I left the room.

As soon as I left the room, my mind turned to my blog post from last week. I thought about my wishy washy parenting and how it could affect my children for better or for worse. I believe, at least in this phase of life, that what I'm doing is the best thing I can be doing. I feel such a strong bond to the little girl that reminds me so much of me. Most of you who knew me growing up might be worried for my sanity and wonder why I'd feel blessed to be raising a child like myself but I am. I feel like her and I will have some of the hardest and best times in this life together. She is my little princess and I am her queen {her words, not mine}.

The good, the bad, and the 13 lbs I'll never see again...

I have very good days and I have days that take all the energy I can muster just to get through.

On the days that aren't good, I feel alone and I see only the tunnel vision of my trials.

On the good days, I can see my blessings and my vision is opened up to all of the good things in my life.

It's hard not to feel alone when you're closest friends don't quite understand what you're going through but I know they try. I'm so very grateful that they try.

Last night, I had a dream that I had a little baby girl and I got to be a stay at home mom with her being a newborn and it was heavenly. In my dream, I kept looking at her and saying, "This isn't a dream I'm going to wake up from, right? It feels real so it isn't a dream." Then I woke up. Sometimes I wish I could just keep on dreaming. But then I remember that if I choose to keep on dreaming, I would miss out on reality with Petey and Spidey.

The reality is that we're quite happy as a family of 4. Other people's lives seem to shake my ground and make me think I need another baby today but I don't.

I am so thankful for motherhood. My mom told me yesterday that maybe Heavenly Father isn't sending me another baby yet because I've already created 2 perfect ones and she is right about that. I know she was kidding but they really are perfect.

On a side note, I have lost 13 pounds in the last 2 weeks. I'm headed on a 50 lb weightloss journey {I know you've heard that before but I'm hoping to stick with it this time}. Petey told my sister the other day that I'm eating healthy to make my belly smaller so we can have more babies. I can't remember telling her that but it's slightly true. I do think that weightloss will help with pregnancy, if God intends for us to be 3rd time parents. But if He doesn't, I'd really like to be able to keep up with my kids all the time and be there for my grandkids and maybe great grandkids.

So...on that note, have a great day! I plan on making today a good one.

The worst and best days

Some days are just hard. Once in a while, I'll just have a day where everything seems to go wrong. It's beginning to happen more and more and I've been a bit confused as to why. I think subconciously, I know the anniversary of my infertility mark is creeping up on me. I get sad when I think about it but I also just have to laugh at myself.

I remember when I was sad about not conceiving after 6 months. I remember how devastated I was when we didn't conceive after a whole year. I remember when that 18 month mark hit and I was getting more used to the fact that we may not have any more children. But 2 years? Two years feels like a slap in the face.
Almost everyone that I've related with through this 2 year journey has had a baby or is at least pregnant right now. Almost all of my friends with 2 children my children's ages has a 3rd baby or a 3rd one on the way. Some even have a 4th.
 I've been infertile more than I've been pregnant in our marriage.

Yay me {sarcasm}.

My negativity is really a downer, isn't it? I apologize. I don't like feeling this way. I don't like feeling ungrateful for my blessed life. But I also don't like infertility.
I hate the big decisions I feel like I'm always having to make. Do we use fertility drugs? Do we see a fertility specialist and spend thousands of dollars? Will we get a baby if we do that or will we have wasted money for no end result? Should we save up and adopt? Should I just stop trying at all?
My mind has been racing lately with all of these questions and I wish someone else could make the decisions for me. I've found that the hardest part about being an adult is the decision making. I wish I could hire someone to make the best decisions possible for our family.

So it's been hard. What else is new? Infertility seems to get easier and harder with each passing day. I'm grateful for the dynamic change in my life. I'm thankful that even though things are sometimes hard, infertility doesn't control every second of my life anymore. I'm too busy being a mom to two little people and babysitting two extra little people most days. My house sure doesn't feel empty which I'm extremely grateful for.
I know God has placed specific people in my life to make things a little bit easier on me right now. I know He is a part of my every day. I also know there are times I forget He is there for me. Sometimes when things are the hardest, I have to remind myself why things feel hard in that moment. Usually, it helps me to realize that I haven't talked to my Heavenly Father enough or thought of Him and how He blesses me enough that day.

My favorite thing about being a mother is seeing how much tiny, silly, little things can change my childrens' moods. The tiniest of things can make their day into "The Best Day Everrrrr!". When I watch the video below, I can't help but smile. My children claimed Monday to be the best day ever because I let them ride with the windows rolled down in the car. It amazes me how grateful they are for the little things.
 I could learn a lesson or two from them.

I'm too happy to be this sad

It's been a hard weekend. Harder than many of the other 'hard' months I've had this past year. I felt like this was it, this was our month. Everything felt so different and I was excited. I found out Saturday morning that this wasn't our month. Thankfully, I found out 15 minutes before women's conference so I was surrounded by loving friends as the feelings started to sink in.

Often times, I feel like I'm too happy to be this sad. I feel overcome by a huge wave that is making my happiness harder to find. It isn't nonexistent, just harder sometimes.

I'm super happy with my life and the kids I've been given. No amount of infertility could make me forget how much they mean to me. It's just that every month I find out I'm not pregnant, I get closer and closer to the reality that I probably won't ever be pregnant again. I'm learning to grasp this reality and make it a happy one since I wholeheartedly believe that my life would be wonderful with our family of 4 but there are still hard days.

So today, I'm going to hug them tighter, play with them longer, and take a bubble bath.

What's on your agenda?

Isn't this enough?

Sometimes I wonder why I still get sad about infertility. Isnt this enough? There is so much I already have. I hate getting upset about wanting more.

But today has been hard. Some days are and most days aren't. I get angry that my body isn't able to do something that it used to do so easily. I dream about the pregnancy tests being positive instead of all of the negatives I've received in the past 21 months.

I'm sick of thinking about the ways we are going to tell our families or the adorable baby names we may never get to use. I'm sick of everyone around me being pregnant and not even understanding that it isn't always that easy. I'm also sick of being angry at all that others are pregnant. It is so selfish of me. I'm sick of feeling like none of my personal friends or family understand what I'm going through. I'm sick of feeling like everyone around me thinks that with more time, I'll just stop feeling this way. I'm sick of dreaming about having a baby that I'll get to stay home with full time and not have someone else raise them. I'm sick of posts like these. They may not be as often but I'm just so sick of feeling this way. I do not want to hit the 2 year mark! I didn't expect it to take this long and I'm honestly just surprised that we are almost to that milestone. How can it be 2 years?

Mostly, I'm just sick of not feeling like that above picture is enough. I know it's enough. I know it's a great blessing. Why can't I feel like that every day? Why are there days that I get angry or sad or frustrated? I want this to be over. I want to always remember my blessings instead of feeling weighed down by infertility.

I have so much. It needs to be enough. I just don't know if time heals that or if I need to work harder to make that my reality. Two kids are a blessings. Especially two well-behaved, mostly polite, ridiculously cute, loving kids.

The Itch I can't Scratch

I've been getting that itch again. It's actually been a couple of months since the last one {thankfully} but it's back and strong.

I'm happy that for now, it's just called an itch. I can remember a year ago when it was the biggest trial of my life. I can still feel that same heartache like it was yesterday. I can still remember trying to explain to you last December how it felt those first few weeks.

I am scared about that itch. It scares me to get my hopes up really high because I know all too well how it feels to have them crushed.

I've been trying to lose weight and get my body as healthy as possible. So far, I've done good these past TWO days. I know, you're laughing. But 2 days is better than no days. The gym calls my name most mornings and I've been trying to get back in a routine of having a nice, hearty smoothie to start my day off right. That actually helps me make better food choices throughout each day so it works for me.

I've been having almost constant headaches for 2.5 weeks and a PCOS friend told me it is probably due to hormones from my "condition" {Is that a thing? Do people call PCOS a condition? I don't even know.} They haven't been horrible but I wish I could take it all away.

Honestly, what I wish more than anything, is that I could keep this past year the way it was but have a baby in my arms. I know those two things aren't possible but it's how I feel. I wish I could keep the parts where I've learned from this, met so many wonderful people, found out who my true supporters are, etc. But you see, the only way to learn all of those things was to NOT have a baby. I had to feel infertility because I needed to learn. And learn, I have.

It's hard to think that I'm getting closer and closer to the end of year 2. How can it be that long since I've wanted baby #3? At the same time, it seems like it's been much longer. It seems like I've been infertile my whole life. It's hard to remember what a positive pregnancy test would even look like. It's hard to remember the feeling of a baby kicking me from the inside. So many things seem so distant.

And yet, I can clearly see one of the biggest reasons I've gone through this. These past few months have been a testament as to why we just can't have 3 children right now. I know I'm ranting but I'm just so darn grateful to my Heavenly Father who clearly knows what we can handle and how our lives are supposed to turn out. He knows the plan for me. I realize I've been saying that this whole time but now, more than ever, I can truly see that.

When things started to get really hard 3 months ago, I got angry and didn't put enough faith in God. I thought, how the heck can You be giving me another trial just one year after I was diagnosed with PCOS/infertility?
And then I realized the two things probably go hand in hand. My eyes were opened a little more to see how much my Heavenly Father loves and knows me. I hope this is something I can always teach my children. I hope they always know to trust in God and realize that everything in life happens for a reason. I am grateful that one day, when they're older, I will get to share my stories with them and help strengthen their testimonies of faith and patience.

I am so grateful. I am so blessed.

And that's how Suze sees it.

One year down, many more to come!

A year ago, I was doing a lot of this...

 And very little of this...

A year ago, I was trying so hard to count my blessings while feeling like my whole was crashing down around me.
I hardly ever noticed the positives.
I focused a lot on the negatives.
The only optimistic thing that kept coming to my mind was thinking that I was going to get pregnant right away with fertility drugs...and when that didn't happen, I was a sad, depressed mess at the end of every month.

So it's been a year since I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. While I'm glad I don't feel that same depressed way I did a year ago, I still have sad days.

When pregnancies are announced, it is still hard. It has gotten a bit easier but it is still hard.

I just really believed that we would be pregnant before we hit the year mark. I figured I'd be different than other infertile women and that fertility drugs would just fix me but that just isn't the case. I'm not sure why I expected to be different but it must have something to do with the 2 miracles in the above pictures.

This month has already started out hard. I guess I can look back and say it is ten times better than last August but it has still been harder than some of the other months this year. With every pregnancy announcement or baby update, I am reminded that I am not pregnant and that I may never be pregnant again.

Along with the infertility blues, PCOS is just plain crappy sometimes. I am not the healthiest of eaters and I know it would help to lose some weight but losing weight has never been a forte of mine. I have a lot of mood swings and there are days my body feels like crap for no apparent reason at all.

If you could have told me at the age of 14 when I was diagnosed with my first ovarian cyst that this would be my life 10 years later, I probably wouldn't have believed you...or I just would've been really scared and sad. I don't know all of the details of why women get PCOS or how many of them had ovarian cysts long before being diagnosed with PCOS (because for me, it was 9 years later) but I do know how hard it is to have a diagnosis that affects your every day life, good or bad. Even on my good days, PCOS might give me a little stab in the ovary (Seriously, though...) and it seems to just be reminding me, "Hey, I'm here! Don't forget that you're stuck with me!"

I know that last paragraph was sort of pessimistic but PCOS just isn't easy. A year seems like a long time until something like this happens and now that I'm a year past my diagnosis, I still feel like there are way too many things I don't know.

I have been pleasesantly surprised at the amount of support I've been given throughout this year. Through the miracle of Twitter (which I once wasn't so fond of), I joined a support group where I am able to talk about the unfamiliar and sometimes familiar things my body is going through. I can even talk about how it just plain sucks that I'm not pregnant.

Even though some of those women have not become mothers {yet}, they still welcomed me in and let me share my feelings as well. I often feel like I have no right to talk about the fact that I'm not pregnant because I am not childless but secondary infertility is a very real and hard thing. I wish more people could try to understand that. I wish it was an easy thing to explain but it really isn't. You kind of have to live through it to know what it feels like.

But even though most of the people I love have not lived through it, I appreciate that they try to understand as best they can what I'm going through. I appreciate their gestures and their listening ears. What I wish for the most is another baby but what I've gotten over the past year is still a ton of blessings, some disguised as heartache.

God has taught me so much and I remember kneeling down those first few months last year and telling him I could not handle what I've been given but He really showed me that I can.

My favorite scripture since I was about 14 has always been 1st Corinthians 10:13.
"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that which ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."

I used to read that scripture with reassurance that God would not give me more than I can handle.
It got me through many hard years as a teenager. I dealt with depression. I had body images issues and didn't treat my body right. I broke the Word of Wisdom. I was bullied and had a lot of fake friends. I really relied on that scripture when I was a teen and it always got me through the things I was dealing with.

But it didn't get me through infertility. It taught me about myself through my infertility. It taught me more about that promise from God.

Instead of focusing on God not giving me anything I can't handle, I now know that I can handle anything God gives me because He will never abandon me.

He is the constant in my chaotic life. He isn't just a strange belief I hold on to because I want something to make me feel better about my life. I know He is there. I've never really doubted it but there were times I wondered why the heck He was giving me the trials I've been given.

But I hope to face God one day when my life is over and be able to show him that I am the rock he was slowly polishing. I want Him to see me shine. I want Him to know that I listened and accepted my trials, even though they weren't always easy.

So a year with PCOS is gone and because I know life is precious, I hope to have many more years of PCOS to come.

And that's how Suze sees it.

One of my greatest teachers

I'm doing great and I'm doing horrible.

Is that even possible?

It must be because it's how I'm doing.

I think about being pregnant and have a lot of anxiety when thinking about starting to try again next month. I don't know whether to try on our own or add fertility drugs in right away. I am so worried that it still won't work and if it doesn't work, that's the end. There's nothing else we can do for years and years...unless we win the lottery tomorrow. That'd be nice (even though we don't play...).

I don't want to live my life wishing for another baby every month if it isn't going to happen. I wish Heavenly Father could just tell me a snippet of what is going to happen in the future so I could know what to do.

Because if these are the only two kids we are going to have, how blessed we are to have two great little ones.

But if this is not the end of our family, I want to be doing what I can to get our other children to earth.

I have such a strong feeling that this isn't the end but that's what makes this all hard.

I know life isn't about what I think is best.

God really does know best.

But it would be nice if Him and I agreed on this timing. 

If we were pregnant right now, Spidey would be 3.5 when the baby would be born.

I know these thoughts don't help and so many parts of me are so grateful for this infertility. Infertility has helped me be a better mother to my children. It has helped me empathize with a large community of women who are struggling through many different forms of infertility.  I may struggle with secondary infertility but I know what it feels like to want a baby and feel heartbroken every month. I also know how to get out of that rut and stop being so depressed when there is so much to look forward to in life (though I do fall back into it every so often).

The bitterness of infertility makes me sad. I've experienced it before but I know women who let it define who they are.

Don't get me wrong, I cry when others announce they are pregnant. For some reason, it's harder when women announce they are pregnant with their 3rd. It makes me sad for me but I can also take my sad thoughts and turn them into happy thoughts because I know I would want that for someone else if I were the pregnant one.

I just feel so bad for living my life so cluelessly to the issues of infertility. I always hated infertility and never wanted it to be a part of my life but I never stopped and thought about those who were possibly sad when I announced pregnancies or when I said I was a bit sad about finding out my son was a son.

How grateful I am for a son and how grateful I am to have my children.

But seriously, how selfish I was to complain for a second that I wasn't getting two girls in a row.

Now I know better.

Now I can act better and try and teach those around me how to better act around someone with infertility.

So yes, I am grateful. It's a very sad trial in my life but I wouldn't trade it if given the chance. Infertility has been a great teacher in my life and it is something that is helping to polish off all of those jagged edges that I am still holding onto.

There is so much more to this than just wanting a baby. I have been so hopeful lately and anxious to try again but I know whatever happens is God's will. Whatever happens will be the best possible thing for our family.

And that's how Suze sees it.

Sentimental With Emphasis on the Mental

Sometimes it is really hard having all of your older sisters pregnant when you can't get pregnant.

I mean, really? All of them? None of us really planned to be trying around the same time and yet, we must've been on the same wave link because we all tried...and 3 of us got pregnant, with me being the only one that hasn't.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

For the past few months, I've sometimes even forgotten that I'm infertile but not these past few weeks.

Lately, it's just been one hard "infertile" day after another.

On a side note:

Other than infertility, my life is great! Not perfect but I don't really have complaints.

Boss is deciding to switch his major and though I was frustrated at first, I'm actually happy and feeling really good about that. We had just hit the halfway mark in school and this may add on a semester or two but I don't really mind it. He has a job. I have a job. The kids are healthy and adorable and I have no complaints!

But back to the point:

I know we will have a baby when it's right but as I watch my kids grow and see so many people around me having babies, I just get a little sad and wish I was right there with them.

It's a hard thing to explain because it seems that the more time that passes, the easier and harder it gets to have infertility.

The easier being that I'm much more used to it and have accepted it as part of my life.

The harder being that the longer it takes to get pregnant, the less hope I have of getting pregnant again.

It is hard to watch my sisters with their growing bellies (and one of them already with her baby out of her tummy) and I know it won't really get easier to see people close to me announce pregnancies but life can't stop for everyone just because I'm going through a trial. And I would want others to be happy for me if I were pregnant so I do the same for those I love.

What makes it a tiny bit easier is the love that I have for my sisters. I'm so lucky to have the 4 of them and they can always make me smile (they're also pretty good at making me angry...). :)

I know this will seem like such a short time once it is all over. I am already so blessed and I'm quite happy with my life...I just wish there were more of those cute babies running around my house. I blame my baby hunger on my children. If they weren't so adorable and good, I wouldn't want anymore! :)

It just seems like it's been so long since I've carried a baby in my tummy.

Today we were watching old family videos and I missed them being young. It will be 3 years in October since I had a baby in my tummy. How is that even possible? Spidey's still a baby!

I feel so lucky to be able to witness all of the wonderful things my "babies" are accomplishing.

Petey starts dance again in August (to replace preschool since we're not putting her in it) and is just growing up into such a polite little lady. She is the exact personality of her mother and is super shy until she trusts somebody to not run away when she becomes crazy and funny. And once she becomes crazy and funny, the party begins. She is so entertaining and silly! I really can't believe it's only a year before she starts kindergarden! How am I old enough for this?

Spidey is not a baby in any way...though I'll still call him that probably until he's 87. He is learning letters, shapes, and he still doesn't recognize all of his colors. It's kind of weird since we work on it often but those colors just confuse him! And yet, he knows most of his ABC's if I write them down. haha. He's sillier than silly and loves to make people laugh. He talks like a big kid now and although it's cute, it makes me sad that he is growing up so fast.

I know I'm past the point of rambling.

I'm obviously feeling sentimental today.

I'm also obviously a little bit more emotional than normal...or is this normal? Who knows!

But if you seriously read all of that and still want to be my friend, thank you!

And if you read all of that and no longer want to be my friend...oops! Your loss. :)

And that's how Suze rambles.

"Me da baby!"

I'm having a hard morning...really, a hard couple of days. My hormones are all over the place. I've figured out it's because I've been lazy taking my birth control and the past week, it's more common that I skip a night and take two the next night. Not good.

I know I say everything's better and that infertility doesn't run my life and it's true. But just because it just doesn't run my life does not mean I won't be faced with hard days; days where I dream about being pregnant or holding my own tiny baby in my arms. It seems so unreachable at this point but I try to not give up hope.

There are many days I love just having my two kids. Their independence is exciting and depressing all at the same time. It is a lot easier not having to do everything for my kids, having them both using the bathroom, being able to entertain themselves when I need a break, etc. But on the other hand, I dont want them to grow up! They're getting too big.

I know I'm crazy and it's probably messing up my child but when Spidey comes up to me and says, "Me da baby." and curls up in my arms, I always agree with him. And when he wants the binky he never took as a baby for 2 minutes, I let him. And when he needs me for just about anything, I'm right there. I understand he wont need me forever and that makes me sad. I know I'm spoiling him but he's my baby! He may be 4.5 months away from turning 3 but he is my baby!

Often times, even when it's my big girly wanting to snuggle or have some "baby time", I just let her. I let her because the past 4 years have gone by way too fast and I know someday I'll look back and think age 4 was a baby age, whereas right now it seems old!

Over the weekend, I didn't turn on the computer a single time. I was with my family, not just in the same home as them. I've tried so hard to stay off the computer more often because I really have better days when I'm focusing more on my children and playing with them. They are actually way more entertaining than the computer anyway. :)

I know my unbalanced hormones are playing a part in this sad realization of my not-so-little children but at least it helps me realize their importance and appreciate this time I have with them. They are only going to be little for so long and I don't want to miss out on that.

And on that note, it's time to sign off of the computer. :)

Health and juicing (kind of)

 My morning started out looking a little bit like this. Fresh fruits, some milk, and a blender make a seriously delicious breakfast.

 Lunch looked about the same. I decided since I didn't have a slew of healthy foods laying around that I'd make another fresh fruit smoothie to eat. I also loaded up on some good ol' H2O.

It was a couple of days ago that a friend sparked something in me that made me want to be a better me! I realized that I am not trying to have a baby right now and NOW is definitely the most opportune time to be getting my body back to better health which will hopefully in turn help us to have a baby in the future. Hence the "diet" (which isn't really a set diet).
With my PCOS, I have a hormonal imbalance and am also at risk for diabetes. I've heard many a person tell me that I need to be on a low carb, super low sugar diet. I've tried a couple of times and miserably failed but this week, I got back in the saddle.
In case you are wondering, I am NOT doing the juicing diet. I am modifying the diet to my specific lifestyle and have decided that two fruit/veggie meals are ok but that dinner is all mine. And by "all mine", I mean I get to chew food before swallowing it. It doesn't mean I will be eating unhealthy foods.

(proof that I actually CAN cook a decent meal!)

If you'd like proof, here was my dinner tonight. I was SO proud!!! Creamy mushroom chicken, baked asparagus with a sprinkle of parmesan cheese, salad, and a hefty load of corn. The main reason my plate is filled with so many vegetables is because neither of my drinks this morning contained any veggies. I plan on changing that and venturing out a little bit tomorrow.

Also, if you were wondering, I joined my nearest rec center today because exercise is also super important when you're trying to lose weight. I convinced my husband to give it to me as an early birthday present (it's only 6 months early...ha!) since the heat is rising in Arizona already. We've had a couple of triple digit days this past week and between that and Boss' new work schedule, I just knew I wouldn't have easy access to exercise. So I started the gym this afternoon (complete with kids club for my littles...which they LOVED) and since I am paying for it, I am obviously going to make sure I get good use out of it!

I am hoping to have success with this new diet/exercise lifestyle. Obviously, I haven't quite stuck to my diets before but at least I'm trying again! Here's to a new me!

And that's how Suze sees it.

"But you've already got a kid"

I was expecting to find a wonderfully written blog post of someone who had secondary infertility, just like myself, this morning when I clicked on the link my sister gave me.
What I found was a wonderfully written blog post of someone who had secondary infertility AND many cruel comments to follow of bitter women who have not been able to have children yet (or ever).
You may read the blog post HERE.
I'd like to talk about/to these women today. While I don't diminish the feelings they have of wanting to be mothers, I cannot sit here and say that I think it is appropriate to diminish the feelings of those of us who have children but want more.
There is still heartache, there is still grief, and there is still pain.
I remember last August, when I was diagnosed with PCOS, I saw a status of a friend on Facebook, complaining that she was miserable and overdue and wanted that darn baby out of her! I remember the anger and hurt I initially felt, as I would've given anything to be pregnant at that time. But it only took me a minute to remember what it felt like to be 13-30 weeks pregnant and vomiting, or sitting on a couch most of the day due to bedrest for 6 weeks, or being 39 weeks pregnant with my son and feeling so huge and uncomfortable and sometimes crying because I could no longer sleep.
Now I know this isn't the same for those of you who have not become mothers yet. But I feel like just because you havent experienced something does not mean you should become offended when someone complains. Their complaint is real. It IS uncomfortable to be pregnant sometimes. It IS hard to be sick or to be on bedrest. And though it is worth it, in those moments of pain or sickness, it is hard to look at the bigger picture. Sometimes you just need to complain a little and then you can get on with your life and feel a little bit happier.
One thing I learned through reading those comments on her blog post is how grateful I am for my wonderful readers. I have never had someone tell me, "You should stop being selfish and be grateful for the two children you already have!" You all know me well enough to know that I am grateful. I love my children so very, very much. I know I am blessed. But that doesnt make infertility any easier. It is still a very real feeling of pain and heartache.
Now, these past few months have been wonderful. My infertility no longer runs my life. My only hope is that those rude commenters could feel the same way. I feel sad for the way they made that blogger feel but I feel even more sad with how they are letting their infertility and their anger run their lives.
Children or no children, there are reasons to be happy for everyone.

This all makes me think of Elder Holland's talk in our most recent LDS General Conference.
"May I plead with us not to be hurt—and certainly not to feel envious—when good fortune comes to another person? We are not diminished when someone else is added upon. We are not in a race against each other to see who is the wealthiest or the most talented or the most beautiful or even the most blessed. The race we are really in is the race against sin, and surely envy is one of the most universal of those." Talk can be found here.

Certainly this can be taken to heart by those of us who are envious of others for the blessings they have received. My hope is that we can someday have the heart and the strength to be happy for others, even when we are going through major trials in our own lives.

And that's how Suze sees it.

What is Normal?

I needed another infertility post tonight. I'm slowly realizing that this is just our normal. Maybe not forever but for right now. I'm slowly forgetting what it feels like to take a pregnancy test and see a positive sign staring back at me.

It has been good and bad that we've stopped trying to have a baby. The good is that I don't wonder about being pregnant. I don't get my hopes up. I know it isn't going to happen. The bad is that my heart still aches for a baby. It just does. Sometimes I feel like that'll still be happening when I'm old and gray. I just love babies!

Have I ever blogged about the night before my son was born? Probably not, since this blog was started when he was a week or two old. I am grateful for that special night. I am grateful for every event that led up to my son being brought into this world 2.5 years ago. I look back and realize Heavenly Father was preparing me for what we are going through right now. He knew I would miss that feeling.
Spidey was going to be a VBAC. I had my heart set on it. I did NOT want to be a c-section mama. But when we went in to my doctors appointment on October 6th, 2009, we came out accepting my surgery births. We came out accepting that, due to unpreventable circumstances with the way my beautiful body was built, I needed to forever be a c-section mama. We also came out, getting used to the idea that we were going to be the parents of a little boy the next morning.
Many things about those first years with my kids are things I cannot remember but I remember that night so vividly. I remember having a strong impression that I would not be pregnant for a long time after and that no matter how uncomfortable I was, I needed to cherish those feelings of being pregnant. And that is just what I did.
I remember staying up most of that night, trying to memorize his kicks and memorize the way my body felt with a huge belly to carry around. I remember thanking God that I had carried this healthy baby to term and that we would meet him in a few short hours. I remember not taking that night for granted and I will forever be grateful for that.
And look at me now. Life is so different in those 2.5 years and I am smack dab in the middle of my battle to have more children. But I knew this was going to happen. I know that seems like a rough thing to admit but something just told me it was going to be hard this time around. After Spidey was born, I remember stumbling across a couple of different blogs of familis who had two children before enduring any type of infertility and it always seemed odd that their stories were similiar. I wondered why the heck I kept coming across these types of blogs. I now believe it was Heavenly Father's way of saying, "Prepare yourself for this and know that I will bless you, just as I have blessed them." Those families lives looked blessed. I could see it just in the words I was reading on their blogs. It touches me to see the tiny preparations God has put in place for me so that I didn't fall down the mountain last August (the month I was officially diagnosed with PCOS). I may have stumbled off of a rock but I did not lose my footing on the mountain. I am stronger because my Heavenly Father wants me to be. I know I've said it before but I am an unpolished rock, waiting to become shiny and bright. Every trial I face, a little part of me becomes polished and eventually, I will be what He has wanted for me all along. This is just part of the process.
Don't get me wrong, this is not an easy process. But it is a worth it process.

And that's how Suze sees it.

Making the right decision.

Today, I was sitting on the couch and I said, "Petey, do you think I'm a good mommy?"
After thinking it over for a minute, she gave me an honest answer. "I think you're a good mommy when you're not being rude at me."
And that, my friends, is the true answer. Because for the past 8 months, my daughter has been dealing with a crabby mom. On occasion, my infertility has helped me to be a better mom and relish in the moments that I used to miss out on but one thing is certain---I've taken the title of crabby and claimed it for myself. But this claim was unwanted. I never wanted to be "crabby mom". I want my kids to remember me being happy and teaching them how to control their emotions. And how can I do that if I can't even control my own emotions?
So crabby mom is taking a hike and patient mom is trying to ease her way into our lives. Because this momma is NOT a fertility momma anymore. More importantly, this momma is going to try harder and do better.
So what does it mean that I've left the ranks of "fertility momma's"? In short, it means I'm done...for now. I am going back on birth control because my heart and even my brain need a break from this whole ordeal. In time, I know we will decide to try again but I am perfectly content with my life right now. I am happy and I know my decision is what is best for me and for my family. My husband practically squealed with excitement when I told him what I'd decided. Hmm, maybe he's sick of "crabby wife" too. :)
We all just need time and my heart feels so at peace with my decision. There is a tiny inkling of me that is sad because I really, really, really want a baby in our home but I really do believe that will happen for us again...when the time is right.
Everything about this decision just fell into place and I know it's the right thing for us. The hardest thing about infertility, or life for that matter, is that everybody's situation is different and you may think my decision is nuts, or maybe you thought my decision to try and have my 2nd and 3rd child 2 yrs apart was nuts (or have my first two children 16 months apart) but I try and make my decisions prayerfully and based on how my husband and I feel at the moment. And today, even we feel differently than we did 1 year ago when we decided to start trying.
It's just right! There is no other explanation.

And that is how Suze sees it.

PS: Picture, anyone? :) I added a cute picture of Petey from the other day but forgot to talk about it or put it anywhere in my post and since I cant figure out how to delete it, here ya go! :) Isn't she a cutie? Sassy, but a cutie? :)

Why do bad things happen to good people?

I've often asked myself this question.
Why do bad things happen to good people?
I know I pondered this questions 6 months ago, in my blog post from last conference, but somewhere along the way, I got a bit off track and recently, I started wondering what the heck I did to deserve my infertility...again. This wondering is a slippery slope, filled with only disappointment at the bottom, for it is not the correct question to be asking.
Does anyone remember the movie iRobot? With Will Smith in it? Remember how he will only get answers if he asks "the right questions"? I believe this can also be true in life.
Instead of asking, "Why has this happened to me?" I need to be asking, "What does God have in store and expect me to learn from this?"
Thankfully, Elder Eyring spoke of trials at this April General Conference and helped me to remember that trials do not happen to bad people. Trials happen so that we can grow. Here are some of the notes I took on Elder Eyring's talk:

Adversity can bring my greatest blessings or it can break me. It’s my choice.
How can we lay that unshakeable foundation? Some may feel their foundation is crumbling.
We need to endure to the end. Getting older does not do it alone. It is serving
God and others persistently that turns testimony of truth into unbreakable
spiritual strength. Acting on even a twig of faith allows God to grow it. When
our trials come, the faith to endure it well will be with us. Build a strong
foundation so you will be ready to conquer anything. God wants us to be
polished, hence the trials we are given.

I feel like a rock that has many rough edges still. God is slowly polishing me and teaching me how to be a true disciple of Christ.

Many of those rough edges are being polished through my trials but some of them need to be polished through my own daily actions. They may not be as prominent and they may be harder to recognize but these rough edges still affect the polished person I am trying to become. One of th greatest challenges I deal with, aside from infertility, is being happy with the things that are right in front of me. I am often envious of others and compare what I have to what they have. In most cases, I am comparing my weaknesses to their strengths. I compare my children, my wealth, my testimony, and my body image to those around me; not all the time but often enough for it to affect me. Elder Holland is one of my favorite speakers and as soon as he started speaking, I knew he was speaking for me. Here are some notes from his talk:

Don’t feel hurt or be envious when good fortune comes to another person. We are not
diminished when someone else is added upon. We are not in a race against each
other to see…who is most blessed. The race we are in is the race against sin
and surely envy is one of the most universal of those. Envy is a mistake that
just keeps on giving. Demeaning others does not improve your self image. The
formula of faith is to hold on, work on, and see it through and let the
distress of earlier hours fall away in the abundance of the final reward. Don’t
dwell on old issues or grievances. Mortals will always struggle, even inside
our church history. Even if one of those grievances did not originate with you,
it can end with you! Don't hold something that happened 20 years ago over your
spouses’ head, or plan on holding it over their head for another 20 years.
There is nothing you have done that cannot be undone.

How grateful I am for apostles and prophets who speak to me and for me every 6 months (and occasionally in between). They really are chosen by our Heavenly Father and receive revelation. Time and time again, I am reminded of this when their words answer many of my prayers.
My mind is clear.
My heart is full.
My life is blessed.

And that's how Suze sees it.

Open Book Time

Sometimes, I wonder about those doctor people I go to...
But then I remember that my dad is a doctor and works hard to give information to help his patients and I realize that my doctors are probably just trying to do the same. At least, I hope they are.
That doesn't mean they are always going to be right, though.
Remember the saying, "Mother knows best"? We make decisions for our children based on their best interest and I think we do a darn good job of it. Two things I'd like to point out regarding this saying.
#1: If mothers know best, isn't it also true that we as adults should know what's best for ourselves and be capable of making decisions that will help our bodies? I had a dilemma at the doctor's office today where the obgyn I was seeing gave me almost opposite information than my other obgyn (Yes, I've been cheating and seeing two of them.). I was a bit confused. "What's that you say, doctor? Clomid has a chance of giving me ovarian cancer but I shouldn't worry about that and should take it for more than 6 months?" Hmm... I know my doctors are doing their best to help me get pregnant. I know they want to be able to tell me, "That urine sample this time came back positive for pregnancy!". I absolutely know that they both care about me as their patient. But what I don't know is which doctor is right. And what I've decided is that neither of them is right or wrong and that I am going to prayerfully decide what happens next for us. I'm almost positive I've made my decision already but that prayer aspect hasn't been attempted yet and I need some time to decide.
So that brings me to #2: If mothers know best and I think I know best for myself, wouldn't it be true that my Heavenly Father REALLY knows what's best for me? I think so! Even though it's hard not being pregnant and it's hard to not be done with school and it's hard to have some of the other trials that we've face, my Heavenly Father gives me those trials to make me stronger and as far as a baby goes, maybe it isn't what's best for me right now. And as far as living with that answer, I'm still alive, aren't I? And I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm also lucky that none of us have to do this alone. I have my husband, I have my two kids, my kids have each other, and my husband has all of us! Oh how glad I am that my kids have each other.

And that's how Suze sees it.

PS: I may or may not let you know what I decide, when I decide it. I know I'm pretty much an open book and I honestly don't mind that. Hope I'm not weirding anybody out with my "open-book-ness" (Yes, that is now a word.).

:)

Infertility

I'm not sure if you've noticed but I've tried to keep my infertility posts to a minimum these past couple of months. But once in a while, I need a break from that break because I need my blog for these things.
For some reason, I knew in my mind that this would be the month we would get pregnant. I wanted so badly to make it so that all of my sisters and I would have babies in 2012. I know I shouldn't compare and I actually feel like I do pretty well with that but for some reason, I was really set on this month.
So when the results from my ob came back negative, I was crushed. Worse than ever before. I cried a lot that afternoon and night and have been kind of a mess since then. The 'Why's" came rushing through my brain and I had periods of anger. It felt like the Month 1 fail all over again.
As I reread through that first months blog post of our failed attempt at fertility, I realized we are nearing the end of a road. I remember Boss telling me that if the fertility didn't work, we would need to make some hard decisions. And here it is, not working.
March was our 12th month. A whole year. A WHOLE YEAR. It's hard to grasp the fact that we have been trying to have a baby that long. I honestly just never thought we would get to this point. Because I was told by someone that it wasn't "infertility" until we hit the year mark. And here we are, big sign hanging over us that reads "INFERTILITY"!
I'm not sure how much longer we will decide to keep trying for Baby # 3. Honestly, I'm not sure how much more my heart can take right now. I have too many decisions to make and sometimes, I wish I could not be the adult for a day.
I want to rush to my daddy and snuggle up in his arms, knowing that everything is going to be ok. I want someone else to decide what road we take next. I want the peace I had 3 weeks ago.
I know I'll find it again but it hurts right now.
I told Boss the day we found out we were not expecting that I just have tunnel vision for a few days. Pretty soon, I'll be over it and be able to accept my challenge again but for a few days after hearing this sad news, my outlook is not as positive.
I promise I'll bounce back. I promise I am thankful. And I promise we will make the best decision that we know how for our family. I just wish I knew what that decision was right now.

Then again, I also wish I was cuddling a newborn baby right now.

PCOS is hard. Infertility is hard. But I can BEAT this. And someday, I'll see the bigger picture, smile, and realize that this really was all for the best.

But today...tunnel vision.

And that's how Suze sees it.

Life is Good

My heart is full. My life is good. There is nothing that feels adequate to complain about right now.
There is just something about realizing how good your life is that can turn any person's bad attitude into a good one.
This is not me bragging. I still continue to deal with the trials that I've been given (still no baby...). But I'm ok with my trials. And I realize how much I have. The good definitely outweighs the bad.
I really wish I could tell you what changed in my life. Maybe I should credit it to the fact that I've stayed true to my 2012 goal and have gone to the temple once a month so far. And today, Boss was able to go with me! Actually, I know it is that.
I remember when the doctor called to tell me I had PCOS and may not have children for a while. ALL I wanted was a baby and I kept telling myself I'd be happy again---once I had another baby. But I now realize that is no way for a person to live their life.
In the midst of what I believed to be my biggest trial, I had forgotten about everything God has already blessed me with. A great family (extended and in laws included). A husband who loves and understands me and wants to build a forever family with me. Two beautiful children that are perfect for our family. Life is about what we have, not what we don't have. And life would be much happier if we could all learn to focus on that.

I don't claim to have a perfect life and don't want my blog to seem as though I'm saying, "Hey, look at how great my life is! Dont you wish yours was this great?!" I just want to share experiences I've had and things I've learned throughout my life, my infertility, my motherhood, and my marriage. Because I believe even in the middle of some of our biggest trials, if we choose to see the good in our lives, we will be so much happier.

And that's how Suze sees it.

Cancer walks and temple trips

What a week.
I had two favorite days this week that both involved a very special place we like to visit.
My first favorite day started when I realized I didn't have enough favorite pictures of my son to put up on my picture collage wall.
So with this adorable face in tow, we headed to the Mesa Temple grounds to get some good pictures. Sister came along too. Yes, she sits in the very back of the van. It's just easier that way since I feel like we're always carting around cousins or siblings that have a hard time climbing into the backseat. And a temple trip is not a temple trip without my kids listening to Jesus speak to them. They LOVE that part. (Petey was begging to go back today so she could hear Jesus talk again.)Then, a quick bathroom break and an adorable smile from my Petey.And then it began. This boy is always full of cheese and he is always SO busy. Can you see why it's hard to get pictures of him? :)Sibling love. I love, love, love this picture! Another sibling picture. I'm not quite sure what they were looking at, though. :)Isn't he adorable? Yesterday I said, "You're my sweet baby boy." And he said, "I not a baby! I big boy!" And I got emotional and sad thinking that my little boy is already in his "big boy" stage. He is supposed to stay my baby!!!!!!! But really, I can't deny that he's a big boy. He is a little smarty pants.

This brings me to my second favorite day. On Thursday, my aunt (Well, Boss' aunt) watched my kids so I could make a trip to the temple for February (Remember my New Year's goal of going every month?). The temple is such a special place and brought me so much peace this week. I realized how great my life is and how blessed I am. And I also learned that happiness is attained, not given. We each choose whether we are happy or not. Life is hard at times for everyone but life can also be filled with happiness for everyone.
Another thing I realized this week happened as I climbed South Mountain for the Climb to Conquer Cancer 11 mile hike. (Yes, 11 miles. My legs are dying right now!) It brought back memories of 3 years ago when I couldn't attend the cancer walk due to being in the hospital at 9 weeks pregnant with Spidey. I had completely forgotten the feelings of that awful day (that obviously turned out good). I had been having stomach pains only on one side of my stomach and when I called my ob, he told me to get to the hospital right away because the most common thing when only have one sided abdominal pain in pregnancy is a tubal pregnancy. The whole way to the hospital, I remember crying and talking to my husband about what could happen. With a tubal pregnancy, they often abort the baby to save the momma or in certain cases you keep the baby but it ruins your tubes and prevents any more pregnancies. I remember grieving and thinking that I was going to lose this child and that I may never be able to give Petey a sibling.
Obviously, it wasn't a tubal pregnancy. It was actually nothing but an overreaction (Embarrassing!) but I'll never forget the feelings of sadness as I thought about my daughter not having a sibling. Even just imagining that made me so sad so it breaks my heart when I see people actually going through it.
So today as I walked, I chose to focus on the fact that she DOES have a sibling and that we are SO blessed. I cannot reiterate enough how special I feel to be the mother of these two precious people. And I also cannot express enough gratitude to my Heavenly Father who gave us these children and who made everything ok with my second pregnancy (It was the easiest pregnancy ever!).

And that's how Suze rambles on and on and on. :)