Friday, September 27, 2013

My Feelings Through Music

Music is a huge part of my life.

Whenever I'm in the car alone, I turn my music up really loud and pray that a song comes on the radio that I need to hear. That may sound funny but so far, it's worked. Sara Bareilles' song 'Brave' literally came on 5 times in a 15 minute drive I was on last week and it was exactly what I needed. I cried every time I'd change the station and it'd be playing on a different station.
I have had a lot of time to myself to reflect on life this past month. Whether it is heading to my counselor's office {who keeps me sane these days}, driving to and from school late at night, or dropping my kids off to their dad, music has helped me through some tough things I've been feeling. Sometimes music interprets my feelings better than I can.
These are a couple of my favorite songs right now that I crank the volume up on.

If you're wondering how these relate to my life or if they even do, you're going to have to continue to speculate. Sorry. :)

I'm so incredibly thankful for music.

Going back to that first song, I've learned much more about bravery this month than ever before. The biggest lesson I've learned this week is that bravery doesn't mean holding your feelings in so it looks like you're always doing fine. Sometimes, I'm not fine. Sometimes, I want to scream or cry or just be numb and it helps to let my friends or family know how I'm feeling. It's ok to not always be fine. It's ok for this to take a while to heal my heart. I thought bravery was getting through my trial as fast as possible and bottling up any excess of hurt feelings I had but that isn't going to help me be whole again.
You'd think I'd be an expert on 'how to get through trials' by now, huh? That's what I figured anyway. I thought since life has been up and down hard for 2.5 years, I should be able to get over this faster. And since I found that to be the biggest lie I've been telling myself, I am starting over and letting myself hurt for a while.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Trials and Attaining Happiness

 I deal with trials in many different ways. There is usually a numbing point where I don't want to feel what is happening to my heart. The first time I really noticed this was when I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. The thought of infertility was so scary to me and I had a hard time processing all of the things I was feeling. I wish I would've gone to see a counselor back then. I imagine it would've helped me cope with my feelings.

There were trials before infertility. I had even suffered a miscarriage in the beginning of my marriage. And yet, no other trial before infertility stood out in my life the way that one did. I grieved. I was angry. I was depressed. I was confused. It was the hardest thing I had delt with in my life at the time.

Last month when things in my life got insecure again, I looked toward Heaven and just cried. I cried for 3 days straight. People would ask how I was and that would make me cry. I'd be listening to the radio and that would make me cry. But after 3 days, I stopped. Cold turkey. I started telling people that I must've just not had any more tears left but in reality, the numbness was starting to set in. I knew it was going to take years to get back what I had lost and I couldn't fathom that and so I went numb to protect my heart.
There have been times of anger and confusion. There have been days where I still cry. There have been countless days that I've felt alone even when I'm surrounded by wonderful people. It was as if the doubts I'd had during my 'infertility grief' were all coming back. I started to think that NO ONE could completely understand what I'm going through. Even though people were being nice and so so so helpful, they hadn't experienced what I experienced. Sometimes, talking helped. Other times, I just felt worse afterward. Everyone had advice. Everyone's advice was different. Some people told me I'd done enough while others told me to work harder to save things. I was so confused.
And then I remembered a huge lesson I'd learned during my infertility. There is one person who understands exactly what I am going through. Jesus Christ suffered for me personally. He knows exactly what I am feeling. I remembered that trusting in Him would help me through this. I know it will. It still sucks right now, plain and simple. I'm extremely worried about my children. I'm worried for their present and I'm worried for their future.
But trusting in God will help me to keep going. Attaining happiness is absolutely possible no matter what. It is not something we are just given or something that only happens when everything in our lives are good. Happiness can be found amidst some of the darkest times. For me, that happiness comes through knowing I am a child of God. I always have been. I always will be. The comfort that eternal purpose gives me is greater than anything in the entire world. Nothing compares to knowing that no matter what trials I'm faced with, I can always rely on my Heavenly Father. He always listens and He understands what I'm dealing with. He knows the time frame of my trial and why I need the strength I'm being taught to have.

Last month, I was so angry that my trials seem to have just gotten worse after my infertility 2.5 years ago. There haven't been very many breathers in there. And yet, I can see God's hand in my life everywhere these past few years. I have never been deserted by Him and I'm so glad that I can recognize that.
I can promise you that in your darkest hours, God is still with you. Let Him in. Let Him comfort you. Open your heart to his love.
You are a child of God.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Camping with my Boy

 A few weeks ago, Petey went to Tucson with her dad so I took Spidey camping. Yes, it's true. I was brave. :) Luckily, we were invited by some super awesome friends of ours so I had a lot of help with my crazy little guy.
It was kind of weird to be camping with Petey's best friend and not having her there. I missed her a lot that weekend but I also enjoyed my one on one time with Spidey.
 Of course the minute we got there, Lacey's little guy had to get as muddy as he could. I don't have a picture of Spidey but trust me, he managed to get dirty that night as well. It had been raining on our drive up so there were puddles everywhere and Spidey had a hard time resisting the temptation to step in them.
 The only other pictures I took were of the next afternoon, right before we left. Spidey had so much fun running around with all of the kids and he REQUESTED to go sit in his carseat for a little while before we left. He ended up falling asleep. That must prove what a great time he had. :)
This wasn't our campsite from the night before since the Neff's were staying longer and wanted a better site but I had to get a picture of their awesome trailer. It was so fun being up there with everyone and spending time with my little dude. We actually plan to go camping with the Neff's again next month since Petey was jealous. :) I'll get to take both kids that time so that should be an adventure!

Saturday, September 14, 2013

The Best Parents Ever

Tonight, I need to write down some recent events to remind myself that I have the world's best parents. 
Last night, my kids were with their dad and I knew I'd be feeling lonely so I invited some friends over for dinner and a movie. We went to the Cheesecake Factory and it was wonderful. Thanks for the suggestion, Heather! Anyway, when we got home from the restaurant, we sat down to watch a movie when my doorbell rang. 
Side note: Earlier that day, my mom had called to ask if I had any plans for the night. I told her what I was doing and that was that.
Back to the story. When I opened the front door, my mom was standing there with bags of cleaning supplies and my dad was in the front yard spraying weeds. She was surprised I was home since she thought I was watching a movie at someone else's house, not my own. My dad finished with the weeds and fixed my broken toilet. My mom replaced the toilet paper she had seen almost run out a few days before and cleaned a few things in the bathroom and then they left. Their plan had been to come clean my house while I was out with friends so I'd be surprised when I came home. 

I've learned this past month just how much God loves me. Even though He has given me a fair share of tests and trials, He surrounds me with wonderful people who support and bless my life in numerous ways. I am a child of God and He has sent me here for specific purposes. 

I have the best parents in the world. I am so lucky to have them supporting me. 

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

iPad Collages

 Well, here I am again! Since I kicked my math homework's butt and the baby is sleeping and Spidey earned games on the Kindle, I think I'll do another blog post. It has been a great week. I cannot imagine what life would be like without my children and some of the greatest friends and family in the entire world. I am seriously lucky and blessed. God knew what he was doing when he sent me to my family. He also knew what He was doing when He paved the pathway for my friend, Lacey's, family to move into our ward.

The collages I am posting are my favorites that I've taken in the past week on my iPad. Enjoy!

Last Friday, we were supposed to have a movie night in our neighborhood park. The kids had been excited all day and I was excited too until I saw a storm coming in. I looked on Facebook and sure enough, the movie night had been cancelled. The kids were so bummed so I asked if they wanted to order pizza and have our own movie night at home. They reluctantly obliged but it ended up being so much fun!
They layed blankets and pillows in the wagon and made it a fun movie night. Petey actually fell asleep around 8pm and I fell asleep around 9pm. I woke up at MIDNIGHT to a happy, wide awake little boy who had been watching shows on Netflix for 3 hours while I slept next to him on the couch. Weirdo! Petey was asleep on the family room floor so I just took Spidey into my bed.

The next morning, I signed on to Facebook and the first thing I saw was that Bashas was having some free bounce houses and rock climbing things in their parking lot. I called Lacey and we took the kiddos to have a fun Saturday morning.
 My kids loved this huge blow up slip'n'slide. I didn't pack any towels but luckily, they dry pretty fast under the Arizona sun. We had invited the kids' cousin, George, to come with us too and I'm so glad we did. He plays so well with my kids and is a great helper.
 All of the kids tried out the rock climbing wall. Lacey's older girls got the highest, George got pretty high, Petey was about 1/3 up, Spidey and Lacey's youngest barely weighed enough so they weren't allowed to climb up high, just in case they couldn't slide back down. :) It was a super fun morning.

The last of the iPad collage pictures is a collage from yesterday morning. Petey had school picture day and she wasn't required to wear her uniform. We got up early and curled her hair and she looked so adorable!!!
I'm hoping her pictures turned out well. She is such a gorgeous little girl and I'm so very proud to call her mine.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Loud and Proud

 Not only has it been a month since I've blogged, am I really going to post two blog posts within 15 minutes of each other? Well, since my online math homework is on the fritz, I think I'll just get a blog post out of the way before bed. As I said in the last post, sleep really is overrated, right?
I'm proud of my Petey. Can you tell? She is working soooo hard on her dance moves and continues to amaze me with her achievements. She loves dance and is a completely different kid in there this year. She focuses and remembers what she learns and she's always excited to practice for me at home. She can't wait to get her pom poms and do her first parade in October. Honestly, I can't wait either. :)

Also, she is loving school. She has learned so much in her first 6 weeks and even though she doesn't necessarily love homework, she does it with a good attitude {usually} and can do most of it on her own now. I took a picture of her every day for her first 2 weeks of school...
 Also, I wanted to show off some of my hair skillz. I have been trying to get creative and practicing my french braiding because Petey loves her hair braided.
 I've done two braids back a couple of times.
 I love the dutch braid around into a side pony tail.
And sometimes, I just do a french twist when we don't have enough time but she requests a braid. She is happy either way.

School has been amazing for Petey. She had to get up in front of the class this week and recite an entire poem, which wasn't actually a poem but the school's mission statement, and even though she normally wouldn't do something like that, she was brave and said every single word and got 100%! Here is the mission statement if you're wondering what she recited:
"Legacy Traditional Schools' mission is to provide motivated students with the opportunity to achieve academic excellence in an accelerated, back to basics, safe learning environment, taught by caring, knowledgable, and highly effective educators in cooperation with supportive, involved parents."

I was beaming when she recited the whole thing perfectly. There were some pretty big words in there and she did it all by herself without skipping a beat! I'm not allowed to put the video online since other kids in her class are pictured sitting at their desks but take my word for it...she was amazing!

Hopefully, I can find a balance of school work, mommy life, and blogging but if I can't, I guess I'll see ya next month! ;)

I'm Still Here!

 Wait, I still have a blog? I didn't think I'd ever be one of those people who would just drop off the face of the blog-earth after years of blogging but here I am, over a month since my last post.

In a nutshell, I started full time school the end of August and it's kicking my butt. Ok, that's not totally true. I'm actually kicking it's butt but in the meantime, my blog suffers because of it. And I'm happy I've balanced it out that way. As much as I miss blogging {and I really do}, school is the most important thing I can do for my kids right now.

Also, these past few weeks, I've been trying to organize my home, as if that's something I'll ever stop doing. I came across cd's of pictures from our old laptop that crashed and it was so fun looking through baby pictures of my kiddos. So tonight, since I still have hours of homework ahead of me {sleep is overrated, right?}, I'll leave you with two pictures that left me baffled from past years.
First up, when the heck was I ever this blonde? I was a little weirded out when I saw this picture because it hardly looked like me.
Second of all, was Spidey really this fat as a baby? I bet he weighs the same as this picture right now. :) My kids just do not keep fat on their bodies! I wish I could reach into that picture and squeeze those thighs. I miss him at that age. He was the best baby everrrr and now he's all cray cray and hyper and super adorable but seriously hyper.

Quick update: Petey still loves school. I have some super adorable stuff to post about that. Maybe next month?
I love school too. It feels weird having a life outside home and church.
Spidey loves Petey being in school. I thought he'd miss her but some days, he asks if she can have a play date just so he can have time to himself. As much as my kids are best friends, he really does love alone time.