I'm too happy to be this sad

It's been a hard weekend. Harder than many of the other 'hard' months I've had this past year. I felt like this was it, this was our month. Everything felt so different and I was excited. I found out Saturday morning that this wasn't our month. Thankfully, I found out 15 minutes before women's conference so I was surrounded by loving friends as the feelings started to sink in.

Often times, I feel like I'm too happy to be this sad. I feel overcome by a huge wave that is making my happiness harder to find. It isn't nonexistent, just harder sometimes.

I'm super happy with my life and the kids I've been given. No amount of infertility could make me forget how much they mean to me. It's just that every month I find out I'm not pregnant, I get closer and closer to the reality that I probably won't ever be pregnant again. I'm learning to grasp this reality and make it a happy one since I wholeheartedly believe that my life would be wonderful with our family of 4 but there are still hard days.

So today, I'm going to hug them tighter, play with them longer, and take a bubble bath.

What's on your agenda?