I attended the sealing of one of my favorite friends and her husband on Friday and it was absolutely beautiful.
A question that I pondered that night and have been thinking about ever since then is, "Who am I?"
Yes, I'm Suzanne and I'm a mother and a student and a divorcee and a daughter and I'm wild and crazy and sarcastic but who am I?
I'm a princess. I'm a daughter of God. I'm learning how to be a queen.
It's so easy to write those things down or to say them when someone asks but do I really believe that? Do I treat myself like a daughter of God?
No. I don't. I'm trying to be completely honest here. I don't live my daily life as a queen, as the mother of God's prince and princess. I count all of my flaws and multiple them by one thousand and at the end of the day, I feel defeated. I feel like there is nothing I can give to these two special beings I've been entrusted to raise. I feel like there is nothing I can do to make myself believe I am good enough or smart enough or pretty enough.
God knows I'm trying. He sees it. And that is something I wholeheartedly believe. I believe He loves me and sees me as a princess. I believe He gets sad when I look in the mirror and tear myself down. I believe He is overjoyed when I help others or believe in myself.
A goal I've set for myself is to try and see myself as God sees me. I pray specifically for that every day and night. I try and keep that goal in my mind so that when I lose my temper or break myself down in a mirror or think mean thoughts about people, I know I can change and I know He still loves me.
At first, it wasn't good. I not only started to think I was worthless, I started to think hateful thoughts about myself. I started to wonder why I was my childrens' mother because someone out there could probably do a better job. I started to wonder if anyone would ever love me again or if the love people have for me is real. I started to convince myself people are probably only my friends because they pity me, not because I'm nice or fun or a good friend.
But gradually, it's getting better. It's still a struggle. I still find Satan tip-toeing up next to me and whispering things in my ear that I choose to believe. I still find myself struggling to wonder if I'm really all that loveable. I still struggle to see myself as a great mother.
But I don't hate myself today. I see a glimpse of my worth today. I feel like I was meant to be their mother today.
I'm having a hard time seeing myself through His eyes but I have faith and I pray.
I am a child of God and He has sent me here
Has given me an earthly home with parents kind and dear
Lead me, guide me, walk beside me
Help me find the way
Teach me all that I must do
To live with him someday.