Sunday, February 16, 2014

Who Am I?

 I attended the sealing of one of my favorite friends and her husband on Friday and it was absolutely beautiful.
A question that I pondered that night and have been thinking about ever since then is, "Who am I?"
Yes, I'm Suzanne and I'm a mother and a student and a divorcee and a daughter and I'm wild and crazy and sarcastic but who am I?

I'm a princess. I'm a daughter of God. I'm learning how to be a queen.

It's so easy to write those things down or to say them when someone asks but do I really believe that? Do I treat myself like a daughter of God?

No. I don't. I'm trying to be completely honest here. I don't live my daily life as a queen, as the mother of God's prince and princess. I count all of my flaws and multiple them by one thousand and at the end of the day, I feel defeated. I feel like there is nothing I can give to these two special beings I've been entrusted to raise. I feel like there is nothing I can do to make myself believe I am good enough or smart enough or pretty enough.
I hardly ever give myself credit for the good things I do. I look at the good and compare it to my flaws and wonder if I'll ever measure up. But the truth is, my flaws don't negate my good choices. They don't even out the playing field. They are separate. God loves me when I fail and He is proud of me when I succeed.

God knows I'm trying. He sees it. And that is something I wholeheartedly believe. I believe He loves me and sees me as a princess. I believe He gets sad when I look in the mirror and tear myself down. I believe He is overjoyed when I help others or believe in myself.

A goal I've set for myself is to try and see myself as God sees me. I pray specifically for that every day and night. I try and keep that goal in my mind so that when I lose my temper or break myself down in a mirror or think mean thoughts about people, I know I can change and I know He still loves me.
 It's amazing what prayer can do. I know I've mentioned my struggle with self worth lately. I knew this was bound to happen because of everything going on but I also worried about how I would deal with it.
At first, it wasn't good. I not only started to think I was worthless, I started to think hateful thoughts about myself. I started to wonder why I was my childrens' mother because someone out there could probably do a better job. I started to wonder if anyone would ever love me again or if the love people have for me is real. I started to convince myself people are probably only my friends because they pity me, not because I'm nice or fun or a good friend.
But gradually, it's getting better. It's still a struggle. I still find Satan tip-toeing up next to me and whispering things in my ear that I choose to believe. I still find myself struggling to wonder if I'm really all that loveable. I still struggle to see myself as a great mother.

But I don't hate myself today. I see a glimpse of my worth today. I feel like I was meant to be their mother today.

I'm having a hard time seeing myself through His eyes but I have faith and I pray.
It's possible, my friends. If I didn't believe it was possible, I wouldn't be trying to achieve it.

I am a child of God and He has sent me here
Has given me an earthly home with parents kind and dear
Lead me, guide me, walk beside me
Help me find the way
Teach me all that I must do
To live with him someday.


Kelly said...


Satan is a beast. He loves to kick us when we're down. He finds those chinks in our armor and attacks hard. ... But we've already won against him, he has already lost. It's just so hard to remember that it's HIM, not us, necessairly. Does that make sense? He so wants us to hate us but Heavenly Father sees and knows we have immense worth. You have immense worth - and so much to give your children. ... No one can mother them the way you can and they wouldn't want anyone else to anyway. Remember that - how much they love you. They're so forgiving of us, even when we feel our most worthless. You're great, Suz. :)

Jamie said...

Beautiful...I struggle with these type of self destructive thoughts...thanks for sharing!