When this happens, I often wonder how I'm ever going to be the same. I ache for the old Suzanne and the bubble she lived in. I wonder if my heart will ever love the way it did.
And I've learned that I'm never the same after these lessons. My bubble is broken. My heart will never love the way that it used to.
Because I've grown so much from my life lessons.
I've learned that my bubble of "safety" isn't reality. I've learned that reality can be beautiful. And I love deeper than ever before. I love unconditionally. I don't judge the way I used to. I see worth in the people I meet.
Life lessons are hard---beautifully hard.
This has been a rollercoaster of learning. I have felt lower than ever before. I have felt higher than ever before. I have felt abandoned and I have abandoned others. I have ruined relationships and fixed relationships.
I've mentioned "things getting real" a few months ago. I've mentioned the pain and the questions.
A few months ago, I was in a bad place. Not only was I questioning my worth and struggling to even stay afloat, I had lost my faith. It was scary, questioning something I've never really questioned before. I didn't want to go back to church. I felt alone. I felt abandoned by God. I couldn't feel Him the way I usually feel Him and I was afraid.
I had a rally of support as I went into survival mode for a while. Friends were calling and visiting and sending messages of hope every day. When talking to one of these friends on the phone and telling her my faith struggles, she told me, "Suzanne, hold on to what you know." and immediately, my memory triggered a conversation where I had been helping someone during their own faith crisis months ago. I was bearing my testimony to them and explaining that sometimes survival mode makes it hard to physically feel the Spirit. Because our bodies are working overtime to just stay afloat, it is possible to not feel God even when He has His arms wrapped around us. But once we are out of survival mode, it can be easy to look back and point out all of the times He was right by our side.
I have learned that and wholeheartedly believe it. My faith crisis, although very short lived, brought me to a better understanding of how much my Heavenly Father loves me. He sent others to get through to me when I could not feel Him on my own. He made sure that even though I questioned Him, I was taken care of. He didn't get offended and abandon me. He loved me unconditionally.
Life can be so scary. I have felt afraid of the future more in the last 9 months than ever before. I didn't believe I was worthy of love. But I have trudged forward, knowing that faith in myself is possible. I've had it before and I could have it again.
This week is the first time I have felt it in a long time. I have felt worthy of love. I have been able to analyze who I am and believe the good instead of focusing on my weaknesses. I have been ready to make changes I wasn't ready to make before.
My drowning has turned into choppy butterfly strokes---they aren't perfect but today I am not drowning.
I have been hoping for the day that I could feel strong enough to fight for myself and my children and my beliefs. I have been hoping for the day that I could stand on my own two feet and declare without a doubt that I am going to do everything I can to stand against the harmful things so present in our world today.
I can no longer fight for my marriage but I sure as heck plan on fighting pornography and body image portrayals because those things are NOT reality---and I'm all about doses of reality these days.
Spunky Suzanne is back and I've missed her. I've been lacking the confidence that it takes for me to fight and believe in my ability to make a difference. I've always been a "world changer" at heart but I've never had the confidence and the ability to actually be a world changer but since growing up---because I am such a grown up these days--- I have learned that changing the world hardly ever starts with something big and drastic. It starts within your heart.
Our world is full of so much evil right now and it is going to take an army to fight against the evils that are constantly parading around as fun or exciting or healthy. These are lies. Evil always lies. We need to stand together and fight the newest drug that is such an issue in our society---the drug that is affecting children at an average age of 11.
Will you fight with me?