Saturday, May 31, 2014

The Gray Area of Heartache

I come here tonight as a broken piece of a puzzle. I come here to let you know that trials don't just magically disappear. They just don't.

I used to look around at a room full of people and peg which trials should be dealt with progressively and which ones would just be easy to get over. I used to judge based on the trials I had been through---eating disorder, rocky relationship with my family, fake friendships, bad decisions, loneliness, judgment from church members---and feel like I knew so much about the world. Because I had been through so much. (Ha!)

I used to think that I was so very mature for my age. I believed in my capabilities. I believed in my uniqueness. I loved it when people would compliment me on my choices. I thrived on praise.

But I never fully felt like I was enough. Praise would keep me going for weeks, sometimes months, but it wasn't something that stuck. Because I didn't believe in myself as a whole person. I believed in bits and pieces but I didn't fully trust myself to make decisions that were smart and worthy.

I married a man who didn't recognize all of the potential inside of me. Although that isn't my battle, it felt like my battle. It felt like a lifetime of disappointments all leading up to that particular day on August 24th, 2013. I felt like that was my grand failure moment. His choices caused me to second guess decisions I had made for the past seven years of my life.

My brain sometimes reels with the things I could've done differently. But that does nothing for me.

I guess tonight, I just come here to tell you that I am no longer a judge. I can look at a room full of people and I can understand why their trials are still causing them pain. Just getting over it isn't as easy as it seems to be from the outside looking in. Life will throw you on the ground and stomp on you and it's ok to lay there for a while. It's ok to stare into the sky and cry out and yell or scream. It's ok to punch your pillow and to not be ok with the things that are happening. It's scary to feel like you are not in control of the things happening in your life. It is just downright scary.

You aren't alone in this world. I have felt so many moments of loneliness in my life. One of my most reoccuring trials has been loneliness for one reason or another. It's something I've dealt with a lot. I thrive on the company and support from others. And when it isn't present, I don't always deal with it well. Satan tries to prove to me how lonely I am right now and it's hard to shut him out. I haven't been a very good friend to some of the most important people in my life because I've been struggling all month. I'm sure I've coined this before but this has seemed to be the hardest month so far. It has been a grueling path full of ups and downs. I need to just stop convincing myself it can't get harder---because apparently, it can!

Nine months later, I'm not better. Actually, there are still things I'm learning to recognize as triggers and painful heartaches. There are still things that surprise me throughout this journey that bring me back to square one. I am in the process of learning how to be a single me and quite frankly, I'm exhausted.

When you've been through a traumatic event, you almost instantly realize how uncertain life can be. You can see why controlling people are on the fritz when their lives make sudden changes. It makes you feel crazy and scared and you do everything you can to control the things in your life that are actually in your control.
You kinda just go crazy---minus the "kinda".

I've learned a lot on this journey but so many things, I have yet to learn. I know there are reasons but I also know these things happened because of the decisions of imperfect human beings. This isn't something God placed in my lap. This happened because we have free agency.

I pray for those of you who feel alone tonight. I pray for those of you who feel heartache and pain and are feeling hopeless. I have faith that life gets better. I have faith that God doesn't ever abandon us.

You can do this because you are strong.

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