I want to be real. I want to sit here and profess all of my feelings and concerns and thoughts into this blog to help you and to help me.
My mother is a writer; an extremely talented write. She has written each of her grandchildren their own personal childrens book, she has written other childrens books, and she is currently writing her first biography. I feel like writing is in my blood. I've kept journals since I was a little girl. I've always gotten excited when assigned an essay in my English classes.
And now I blog. And on top of that, I still write in my journal and I still write essays for school.
The day after d-day (the day he moved out), I sat on my bed sobbing and ferociously scribbling words into my journal. My journal became my safe place. It contains so many of my emotions from the past ten months and I'll cherish that forever because in a few years, I doubt I'll remember all of these feelings. I'm pretty good at forgetting really painful things and I hope that my journal will be a reminder of how strong and brave I can be in the midst of some pretty painful trials.
Divorce has been pretty hard lately. It has been one hard lesson after another after another. I feel like I'm often being taught these new principles, some of which I doubt I'll ever fully grasp.
How do you just get used to the knowledge that people you loved so dearly now view you as crazy or manipulative? How do you get through the day without shouting the real reasons for divorce at everyone who has ever doubted your decisions?
Months ago, a friend had approached me and asked me about my divorce. We were talking and she said, "So did you just leave him because he stopped going to church and it got too hard?"
I was kind of shocked.
She only knew the story from my blog.
Did I make it sound like I left him?
Because the thing is, I didn't leave him. And oh my heck, I wish the only thing I was dealing with was an ex-husband who didn't go to church. Can we go back to the time where that was my biggest struggle? Because as hard as it was, it wasn't as hard as the divorce.
The thing is, I'm a good person. I'm finding my confidence---the confidence that left the day he did. I'm getting to a point where I can say with a certainty that I am worth something to my God and to other people on this earth. I know my intentions are good. I know my heart tries to love everyone.
I don't have hate for the man I am now divorced from. I don't have hate for his family or the friends he associates with. I don't carry hate around with me when I go about my daily routine.
I'm not as crazy or emotional as people think. I might be crazy at times and I am not denying my emotional capabilities but they aren't abnormal or psychotic.
I don't know if I'll ever get used to the fact that people believe really horrible lies about me. I know it's something I can't change but that doesn't make it any less painful. I promise I'm trying to act like a daughter of God. I promise I'm trying to serve and smile and love others.
I'm not perfect but I'm trying and I hope that the people I continue to trust believe in me also.
Because trust surely has been a hard thing to re-learn and re-gain. That was one of my flaws before divorce. I don't trust very easily. I often would make assumptions about my marriage and would act crazy because I truly felt crazy. And the worst part is, almost every thing I doubted in my marriage turned out to be full of lies---and the crazy feelings I felt have answers.
And this isn't me saying, "Neener, neener, I was right!". I didn't want to be right this time. I just hope you'll understand why I don't trust and why I'm afraid of the future a lot of the time.
A year ago, I was only a month away from one of the biggest changes and heartbreaks I've ever experienced...
Because it isn't always pretty. It isn't full of sarcasm and laughing and smiles like I wish it was.
But through it all, she will learn. She will learn how to trust herself when she feels she can't trust anyone else. She will learn that God is aware of everything. She will learn that motherhood and sisterhood and just being a human being isn't perfection and it gets messy sometimes.
She will learn a lot of good things that will someday overpower the bad.
And with that knowledge, she will teach and serve and love the people around her so much better than before.
And that will make this all worth it.