Sunday, May 3, 2015

Life Goes On

It's incredible how you can go from feeling loved to discarded in seconds. 
This has been on my mind for weeks. In fact, it's tried to consume me and make me fear every relationship I've ever had. 

If I'm being honest, I have feared life more. I have feared the validity of my relationships. I have been extremely hurt in ways that I never could've expected possible. 

I should be used to this, right? I mean, I've done the divorce thing, the infertility thing, and I've lost a lot of friendships that were out of my control. But I'm not used to it. I'll never be used to it. 

I used to love the quote that said something similar to this: "Be the kind if person that if others were to talk bad about you, no one would believe them.". I used to read that and think that my true relationships would never dissipate because I was showing my genuine self. 

I don't like that quote anymore. In fact, I think that quote just gives us a false sense of security. 
People will leave if they want to leave. People will choose sides and believe things and there will be times in your life that you won't ever be given the chance to explain yourself. You will trust and you will fall. You will make judgment calls that in hindsight really sucked. 

And you will ache. Your heart will feel like it's being ripped out. You will question your purpose in life and possibly lose your sense of worth and the days will seem long and dark.

And the anger. Oh the anger. You will probably find yourself angry at the world for a while. You will probably find yourself a little more impatient for a while as you try to understand why and how this could've happened. 

But fortunately, that doesn't have to be the end. Because although you will still hurt, it will slowly start to get better. Every day, you will think about the lost relationships a little less until they become a distant memory. 

I hope this doesn't end up being the case for you but since I've endured it twice now in completely different situations(not counting divorce), I can tell you it is possible. 
It is possible to be a good person and be hated by a lot of people. It is possible to be called a liar when you're telling the truth. It is possible that your closest friends will believe the things they hear instead of believing in you. 

I want to tell you that you are strong enough to handle this, that life goes on---it certainly does---but for a while, it'll probably move slower and you'll probably struggle to look at any of your relationships the same way. You might struggle to stay positive. You might cry a lot or your heart might harden. You might find yourself adding new swear words to your vocabulary or questioning your faith in God. 

But life does go on. Eventually, you will build a new relationship groove and find yourself not getting anxiety when you have to trust your friends. You will ache and there will be sporadic reminders but they will get easier to deal with. 

You might become the needy friend for a while but that's ok because your real friends will be there to assure you that they aren't leaving. 

I can try and prepare you or empathize with you but the hardest part of all of this is that if/when it happens, you will feel alone for a while. You will feel like no one understands. You will feel abandoned. 

But the more you fight for yourself, the better you will feel. The more you trust yourself, the stronger you will get. 

We are warriors. And when our hearts break, we have the capability to fight for ourselves. 

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