Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Because It's A Mess

Wow, you guys.
It's hard.

I'm sure this isn't news to you. It shouldn't be news to me either but apparently I keep finding my pair of rose-colored glasses and putting them back on before they're slapped off again.

My life is all sorts of brutiful (brutal+beautiful) right now.
I am loving my new work/school/co-parenting schedule. I am loving the ages of my children and the tight bond we all have.
I am not loving the messy relationships in my life or the anxiety of dating and being alone---which on most days, I've decided is just going to be my fate because dating = harder than I ever thought.

I feel confused a lot---mostly asking God why life is allowed to be so messy when I'm already a divorced mom of 2 young kids Why, after being left by my husband and left to deal with the trauma and anxiety, life isn't just perfect now.
But when I ask Him that, I almost immediately take it back because I don't want to be the victim. I don't want to make our situation look more dire than it is.
It might be hard but it isn't a life sentence.

I know life isn't just going to be perfect. I know trials don't just disqualify me from ever having hard times again (Although that'd be really awesome...).

But I struggle so much with believing I'm a good person and one of the hardest trials for me is when other people tell me, literally tell me, I'm not a good person. Because then my brain gets all confused and I'm back to second guessing and wondering how two different people can believe two totally opposite things about me.

It's a mess, really. It's a drama-filled mess that I'm trying to rise above.

But goshdarnit, rising above the hard stuff is a lot more difficult than it sounds.

Rising above is what warriors do. It is what the strongest of strong people are able to do. And am I there? Am I one of them?
I try. I try so hard to be strong but am I?

I guess the answer is yes. I guess when I write it all down, being alone and providing for two kids while going to school full time is pretty strong. But some days, it doesn't feel strong. Some days, it just feels like something I do because I've been forced to do it.
Because it's either be a single mom or never get out of bed again---and so far {most days}, I've chosen to be a mom and I've even tried to be a good mom---occasionally a great one.

But although I seem to be unbreakable so far, I feel like the messes are wearing me down a little at a time.

And I hate that.

I hate feeling like others have some sort of control over how I feel about myself. I want to be strong and confident every single day.

Because you know what? I'm just as much a daughter of God as every other woman on this earth.
End. Of. Story.

I want to polish off this blog post with some profound words but seriously, I am not there tonight. I feel like I haven't be there at all lately. Maybe someday...

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