Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Summer Blues

Summer is kicking my butt so far. 
The house is a sticky mess. It already feels hotter than hell outside. And my theory of being more relaxed and letting the kids stay up later has made us all a lot grumpier. 


I've been trying to get into a summer rhythm. 
I have a lot of things I'm trying to recover from---pretty much all of them being emotional messes---but being out of rhythm really throws off my recovery groove. 

So far, my statistics class seems like it's going to be my easiest which is ironic because every time I've considered signing up for statistics, I put it off another semester because I've been told how hard it is. I'm hoping this means statistics is one of my "things" and that I won't end up being a failure this summer with my classes. 
ASU is calling my name in the fall and I want to prove to myself that I can handle this whole online thing even with harder classes. 

This next part is going to make me sound spoiled and for that, I'm sorry. But the truth is that I've had a cleaning lady for the past 8 months. Yup. When I started working again last August, I realized I couldn't keep up with my gym membership because it took too much time and energy to try and go after school/work every night, especially since my kids are normally in bed by 7pm. A few weeks after juggling the school/work/mom circus, my house was disgusting (quite literally) and I found a cleaning lady who could help me out for a close enough price to the price I was paying on a gym. 
Well, now that I'm home more and doing school online, I cancelled the cleaning services because I can handle all of this...right
Well, so far, I kind of suck at it. I mean, online schooling is still schooling and it still takes up time and energy and I'm actually working more hours and my kids aren't gone most of the day at school. 
So our kitchen floor is sticky. Our family room carpet has crumbs on it. The kids room is all sorts of disastrous. 
But we try to clean every day. We try to push forward with whatever messes we get to. 
And when I don't clean up a mess for a few days, I forgive myself---because there is a lot going on and sometimes we choose other activities over cleaning. 

They'll only be little once, right? This is their only summer at these ages and I plan on being there for as much of it as I can be. 

Along with my summer blues, I've been trying to find time for myself. Time that does not include school or work or children. 
And that is NOT easy. 
It usually involves Netflix and ice cream. Or maybe blogging or going on a bike ride or talking to my friends on the phone. 
And once in a while, I make decisions to change my hair color. 
Case in point:
 *above-before, below-after*
As hard as it is to remember "me time", I know that I need it. 
I know that I cannot just function as a mother and a student and a biller and a dance teacher. I need to function as Suzanne. 
Sometimes I forget who she is or what her purpose is because it seems like I do everything for everyone else but when I have chances to remember her alone, I am reminded of her purpose. 
Of my purpose. 
I've questioned it a lot, what my purpose in life is. And maybe it sounds odd that this blog is a part of that purpose but I've always felt like writing was my thing, my way of helping others and reaching people whom I never would've met any other way. 
I don't need a million followers, I just need the right followers. 
I just need those of you who read this to know that people go through hard things and they can come out on top. It is possible. In fact, it is necessary. 
We have a chance to live and learn while we are on this earth. We have a chance to help others, to be teachers and colleagues and friends. We have a chance to be students to the people we come in contact with. We get to learn from them. 

Everyone has these unique experiences and since we can't all experience the same things (and trust me, we probably wouldn't want to), we can learn from the experiences of others.

To me, life is all about love and learning and rising above. It is about making choices that will make a difference in this world to make it a better place for our children to live. 
That is why I talk about uncomfortable things like pornography addiction and eating disorders and failed marriage. You might think I like talking about those things but often times, I struggle with knowing what to say and how to say it. 
But because they are my experiences and I'd rather you learn from me instead of going down that path yourself, I want to talk about them. I want to open up about how hard life can be---but I never want to forget how beautiful life can be too. 

I hope you never forget it either. 

And if you do forget it, I hope you can find that beauty again. 
It will always be there. 

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