Worthy and Good and a lot bit Crazy

Sometimes I go to therapy.

If you think that's a weird thing to admit, then I think you're weird for thinking that it's a weird thing for me to admit...so...booyah.
As an aspiring therapist, I'm pretty comfortable talking about the fact that sometimes I talk about my life with a therapist---actually not just "a therapist", my therapist.

Anyway, shall I move on with the point? Any day now, Suzanne.

I was working through some crap this week that's been bothering me and I've had a few realizations.
I struggle a lot {alot-alot} believing that I am a good person. Like a genuinely, deep-down, rooted firm within myself good person. I believe this is something I've always struggled with partly because of the way I was raised (Hi, mom and dad---love you both forever and ever) and partly because of the uniquely crazy individual that I am. I tend to look at every decision I make and pinpoint the greed within the motive. And when I make mistakes---oh my goodness, they get blown way out of proportion.

I only know this because a particular lady that I pay to counsel with me told me so.
And she's always right. Because if she was wrong, why would I pay her?

It's hard for me to feel like I'm blowing my mistakes out of proportion when I put so much negative focus on them.

So it's not all black and it's not all white. We are all sorts of grays.

When I make mistakes, I categorize myself in the darkest of the grays. I have a hard time seeing my goodness. All of my other mistakes come into clear focus and everything else just looks like a fuzzy mess.

There are blips in my life where I can remember being an intensely confident woman but this doesn't usually last long periods of time. For the most part, I'm questioning myself and trying to counteract all of my imperfections with smiles, a cheerful attitude, and any little acts of service I can get my hands on.

It's weird---making myself crazy to try and prove to myself that I'm a good person. Lately I've wondered what in the heck the point of this is.
I either need to believe it or not believe it.

So I'm choosing this week to believe it. 

Obviously, this can't mean I've been perfect---I haven't---but it means that when I make mistakes, I brush them off and focus on the good. I focus more on what's inside than on my outward choices.

I know who I am. I know who I'm striving to be. That should count for a great deal of "who is Suzanne" and I don't know why I haven't allowed it to play a bigger role than it has.

But this week, I am. This week, I am being brave. I am not over-thinking my friendships or obsessing over what people think of me. I am not putting myself down or thinking the worst.

This is hard for me. Because I have compulsive thoughts a lot and I often feel like they define who I am.

Because good people can't have bad thoughts.

But that just isn't true.

The lady that I pay told me so...and she's always right.

So while I'm soul-searching and trying to gain confidence on my own, I'm choosing to believe her.

In the meantime, you can shake your head at my redundancy. I know I've talked about all of this before and the truth is, I'll probably talk about it again.

We all have our crap---today this is mine.

I can do hard things

 I always thought I was a patient person when Petey was a little girl. She hardly ever got into trouble and when she did, I felt like I could keep my cool easier. I don't know if the hardships we've faced this past year have made a difference but I've found myself with less patience as these two munchkins have grown. I feel like a completely different person than the mother Petey had as a small toddler. So many things have changed since then, some good and some bad.

I've learned that the OCD my mom's side of the family passed on to me isn't always as funny as it used to be. I've learned that I like to be in control...and I prefer that all of the time. I've also learned that I'm hardly ever in control and that I have to get used to that. I've learned that my children need a mom who sits on the floor and plays Candyland and Chutes and Ladders. I've learned that dance parties and "freeze dance" are two of the most fun things to do with young children. I've learned that God's timing is more important than mine.

Most importantly, I've learned that I can do hard things.

A year ago, I wouldn't have imagined being strong enough to handle a year like last year but now that it's over and a new year has begun, I know I can handle anything.

And while I'm out handling this incredible life God has blessed me with, I know there are 3 people that I can always count on to lift me up.

Because pretending to be a horsy and dancing around til we're all out of breath has turned out to be the best medicine for trials. I'm lucky to have people who keep me sane when I'm just plain outta my mind. Or maybe they're just crazy with me...