Hard, Happy, Selfish, Angry, Faithful, Grumpy, Beautiful

Today is a hard day to explain.

I've had many low days---a lot of them in the past 2 weeks.
I didn't think it would be possible to pull through. Two weeks ago, I looked at my future and it didn't look bright.
I couldn't handle these new truths. I couldn't handle the reality that I'm learning has been the past 6 years of my life. I just couldn't do it.

Too painful. Too hard. Too real.

But three days ago, I hit a breaking point. I realized I am not this girl! I'm not the girl who breaks down in church on Mother's Day because she is so grumpy about her current life. I am not the girl who is inconsiderate of others' feelings because I'm so busy wrapped up in my own sad world. I am not the girl who acts selfishly instead of serving others.
I'm just not.
I'm not saying I'm perfect but I've always found joy in helping others and it's always been something that I love to do.

I had a wake up call that snapped me out of this hatred that has started to fester in my heart. I am not going to give in to Satan! I am not going to abandon my faith and my kind-hearted nature (Are you laughing about that last part? I swear, I try to have a kind heart.).

Monday, I fought. I fought so well that I wondered if this would just be easy.
But Tuesday was harder. Tuesday took a little bit more out of me when I fought---but fight, I did.
And today has been one of the best days I've had in a LONG time. Because today, I don't question my faith in God and I don't question my heart. There are too many explanations that made up today being a great day and I won't go into them.

But I am grateful; grateful for a day of peace, grateful for hope, and grateful for the people in my life. I know I talk about "the people in my life" often. The funny thing is, they aren't always the same people. Heavenly Father knows who I need when I need them and someone always seems to be there who can help me through whatever crap I'm going through.

I cannot deny God's hand in any of this. I just cannot.

After such a wonderful day, I signed onto the computer and was staring at images of my Petey from her recent birthday photoshoot and I just couldn't help but be amazed that I've been a mother for almost six years now.

Through all of the trials and all of the heartbreak, I know I am where I need to be right now. Being a mother is the most important thing in my life and I often am in awe that my Heavenly Father gave me THESE kids---because although they aren't perfect, they are perfect for me.

I love life today. I wasn't sure if I would ever fully feel that way again. I can guarantee you I will still struggle but tonight, I am overwhelmed with how much I love my life---my current life.

Stop being so selfish!

In our world today, we want everything we dont have. We are never satisfied. more More MORE! That seems to be America's motto.

Why?

Why are we never satisfied and content with the way our lives are.

Take me for example.

I want a 2010 navy blue Honda Odyssey.

I want a bigger house, nicer furniture, and every darn cute outfit for my children (and maybe myself).

I want a husband who is never rude, annoying, or equally selfish (so apparently, I dont want a human husband :).

I want to weigh 115lbs with small boobs and nice legs...and NO double chin.

But I cant have everything I want. It just isnt a reality. What spoiled brats we would all be if we could just ask God for something and *BAM*, it appeared right before us.
When would we learn the lessons of hard work and patience?

We wouldn't, that's when.

Sometimes the selflessness comes easy (well, rarely but that still counts as sometimes). Most times it is the hardest thing I do.

I think that is where most (or would it even be safe to say all?) marriages fall apart.

The opposite sex is SO hard to live with because they're dirty, rude, inconsiderate of our hormonal feelings, and completely insensitive! But that is where we are missing the point.

Marriage (and life in general) is not about always feeling happy, always getting what we want or being the center of someone's attention. Hopefully sometimes you have all of your husband's (or wife's) attention but it simply isn't possible to always be their number one thought. HOW RUDE, right?

Wrong.

I get upset with my husband because "he's bugging me!". What am I, 5 years old? Is he my brother or my husband? I think as we live together longer, we start losing that connection of "husband/wife" feeling. We tend to become annoying roommates at times and get annoyed when we have tallied the amount of diaper's we've changed throughout the day and it is more than our spouse's. *gasp!* Or when we asked them to load the dishwasher and 24 hours later, it still wasn't done.

I have one point to make...though I could and wish I could make thousands.

GIVE EACH OTHER A BREAK!

We are human beings and it wasn't supposed to be easy to live with the opposite sex and share things (like how my husband HATES when I don't use the toothpaste correctly or immediately put the wet diaper in the trash can). Take a dose of selflessness and try to remember why you were married in the first place. You share values, some opinions, and can communicate with each other (and he's pretty darn good looking too). Happiness will come much easier if you try and forget his/her faults and focus on the great things your spouse does for you and your family...like in our case, how hard he works at school to someday provide a better life for the rest of us. Take an extra minute today and find things to be grateful for that your spouse does. You'll be happier and more in love, I promise.

And that's how Suze sees it.